To think my baby is behind.

[SideEyeing]

Hi there,

I can't decide whether I'm being overly anxious or not. My 6mo baby girl (born at 39w) seems to be lagging behind other babies in terms of development. I'm reluctant to take her to the GP given the whole pandemic situation but it's really eating me up and causing a lot of anxiety. She's just starting solids now but is otherwise EBF.

She started smiling around seven weeks and properly laughing at about 4.5m. She doesnt babble using consonants much but will make occasional ma or ba sounds. She will babble more if her hands are in her mouth but otherwise its still very much "ning" "aaaah" or "wuh" sounds.

Physically she can roll tummy to back and mastered that properly a couple of weeks ago, though she did do it once or twice at around four months. She can't roll back to stomach, which worries me because friends with babies up to six weeks younger all seem to have mastered this. She grabs her feet a lot but can't put them in her mouth (she's pretty chunky though). Recently she's become really clingy so I can't leave her on her mat for any length of time to practise getting stronger or rolling because she just bawls. She can sit with a bit of support but topples after a few seconds without it.

Her grasping at toys is good and she can play quite well with her activity centre, albeit mostly by smashing it with her hands. She will drop stuff on the floor so that I'll retrieve it and bar being very clingy and needy atm (age?) she's pretty happy and smiley.

I feel crap because I'm worrying nearly all the time. I wish I knew what "normal" was but it seems unlikely to me that she is on track when literally every baby I know around her age is significantly ahead of her in two or three areas. I'm not competitive, I just feel there is something wrong and I don't know how I'd get help if there was in the current situation. Every time another mum friend sends a pic of their 5mo doing another thing that seems miles off for dd I cry.

I should probably point out I'm receiving support for PND but I feel like because of that the GP and HV write off my concerns. I adore my daughter and love her more than anything and I don't care about her being "advanced" - I just want to know she's okay and whether I should expect that she will struggle later on when it comes to school.

I'm worried I'll get roasted for being pathetic. I just don't know where else to vent or ask.

[AppleKatie]

Ah what a lovey update OP. Your baby sounds lovely and perfect.

In the midst of the anxiety try to remember that whilst something could go wrong (to any of us) the statistics are overwhelmingly in your favour for things being absolutely fine- do give meds another go though you deserve to feel better.

[SideEyeing]

Just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who took the time to comment here. I don't have the words to articulate how much hearing your experiences helped. In the last week DD has started saying "bah" and "gah", has rolled over back to front a couple of times (though she mostly gets to her side then reaches whatever she was after and goes straight back to her back) and (gasp) chewed her foot once or twice. I feel silly. It has also made me realised that the problem is (in all likeliehood) mostly me. My brain has simply moved on to the next thing. I think it all goes hand in hand with this fear that she seems too good to be true and could be taken from me in a single moment of carelessness or danger. I'm going to give the pills another go.

Thank you again. It really means a lot.

[MyDogPatch]

My baby was born at 32 weeks post CS as a result of complications. She was small, about 2 kilos. As a result she had more detailed follow-up on her development. She was a bit behind, but the doctors assessing her were saying to me, she's a week behind on this, and two weeks behind on that, and it caused me no end of anxiety. The doctors were super focused on stages informed by research and data, but no baby is "normal" or factory-made.

Also, parents at baby group kept asking, is she doing this and that yet? More pressure!

Once a doctor implied I wasn't doing enough to get her to catch up and I told him to jog on. My HV got wind of this and asked me to explain myself. I said, I'm fed-up of being judged and my daughter will catch up in her own sweet time.

My baby is now nearly 14. She's had a tiny sight problem but it doesn't bother her. Once she started nursery she caught up and then some! She has always done very well at school, nearly at the top of the class in most things, and she is shy but confident within her friend group. She has never liked PE and doesn't run too well, but she likes using the fitness gym at school and climbs ropes, walls, anything! She's happy to ramble for ten miles without complaining. She's taller than me now, about 5 foot six, and strong. Her teachers already want her to think about university.

Everyone is different. Everyone is an expert. Your child is unique. Try not to worry.

[oobedobe]

Don't worry too much, but do keep and eye on things and maybe get her seen if it is still worrying you down the line.

My first was a total textbook baby, hit all the milestones on time so I never worried, then with DC2 (who I was already stressed about after 4mc) was late doing everything, didn't even crawl until 12m (where her sister was walking by then).

My advice is don't waste time fretting and worrying but do her her name on waitlist etc so that the support and help is there if you need it.

My DC2 ended up with a small speech delay, but nothing else concerning and she is 7 now a delightful girl!

[SoloMummy]

@SideEyeing
Have a look at this:
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.southernhealth.nhs.uk/EasysiteWeb/getresource.axd%3FAssetID%3D99698%26type%3Dfull%26servicetype%3DInline&ved=2ahUKEwjs_eyozdzpAhWlo3EKHW99C0gQFjAAegQIBBAC&usg=AOvVaw1e0cwVyE8vXrbgHS6uGiy-" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.southernhealth.nhs.uk/EasysiteWeb/getresource.axd%3FAssetID%3D99698%26type%3Dfull%26servicetype%3DInline&ved=2ahUKEwjs_eyozdzpAhWlo3EKHW99C0gQFjAAegQIBBAC&usg=AOvVaw1e0cwVyE8vXrbgHS6uGiy-
Fwiw my lo hated tummy time. Even at school age has poor stomach muscles. Also at 6 months gained weight. But didn't smile until 2years, never babbled. Now my lo doesn't stop talking!
At that age their development isn't linear.

[OooAhhh]

OP - I could have written this! My LB is a week off 6 months and I am feeling the same way as you right now.

All the babies around me seem to be hitting their milestones and we just aren't. In fact, when it comes to tummy time he seems to have regressed rather than improved. I think the problem is, when you start thinking the way we are, it seems almost less likely that they do what we hope for. I've had a stern word with myself and reminded myself that all babies develop differently.

[sestras]

My dd sat up at 4.5 months and then did nothing else until she was 9 months. She rolled over once at 6 months by accident and never did it until she was much older. She was doing other things like picking up tiny specks of things off the carpet, showing me what she had, etc

Don't worry, your baby will do their own thing in their own time.

[LaurieMarlow]

Sounds absolutely fine OP. I honestly can’t see what you’d be worried about there.

[Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark]

My boy (firstborn) didn't want to do anything
I was seriously concerned then all of a sudden at 18 months he was doing everything.
My daughter was opposite. Its OK Op they do everything in their own time x

[Highfivemum]

She seems fine. Some babies don’t go through the rolling stages. All are so different. I remember with my first. I took her to post natal group at 6 months. All babies were sitting and my DS was surrounded by cushions to prop him up. I remember being concerned. Then at 9 1/2 months he stood up and ran. No pottering. No crawling just ran. The other babies in group took months to get to that stage so please don’t worry. My DS by the way is still running. He is training with National Team in the USA ( well locked down at the min but you get my drift. )

[anotherwinkywinkybumbum]

@ScarfLadysBag, thank you so much for sharing the health visitor forms. They have really reassured me as I am worrying quite a bit myself at the moment.

[Ineedcoffee2345]

Sounds exactly the same as my 6 month old

[coronabeer23]

Please don’t worry op. She sounds perfectly normal. My eldest wasn’t sitting until 8.5 months. He didn’t say a word until 18 months and certainly didn’t speak properly until nearly 3. He had no concentration either and was superglued to me.

Fast forward many years and his GCSE’s are all A* and A. He is both club and school football captain, had loads of friends and is a totally normal bright teen.

They all do everything at different stages and normally they’ll turn out just fine

[lyralalala]

Something I was told when I was panicking was that I was guilty of seeing my friends babies' achievements and expecting my DDs to do them all.

So, in my group of friends there were babies who could roll better than mine, could talk better than mine, slept better, ate better etc.

Except when I broke it down after talking to my HV I realised that the good roller didn't have the best speech, the good sleeper didn't roll, the good eater had crap sleep and it helped me see that babies are advanced at some stuff, average at some stuff and slower at some stuff. Expecting my DDs to be at the advanced stage of everything was me being unrealistic.

It might not help you, but it really, really made a difference for me when I looked at it like that.

[Whiskas1Kittens]

Your baby might struggle to turn over if she is a bit chunky of course, that may be why ... but it doesn't matter. Some babies do miss a whole milestone!! My dd never crawled. She sat then one day after lots of standing, walked!! Do you know though my second baby was different and I knew it - none of the things that you are mentioning OP btw!! I'm not hinting just sharing. He ended up with an ASD diagnosis at age 7. I worried myself sick for months when he was a baby. I knew that compared to ds1 - and many years of working with babies - that there was something. Then one day I just thought sod it, I know something's amiss but I am going to enjoy him. He's my baby and I will treat him like one. He might be my last baby so I'm going to enjoy him. I remember it really clearly - it was a hot day and he was cheesed off. I knew that he was only ever happy in a loose all in one but he only had one set. I sensed he needed different clothes. I drove us to Asda and bought him loads of lovely loose all in one outfits. We got home, i put his fresh clothes on and he was happy. I lay down on a rug with him and just played with him. I realised he just wanted me next to him, he wanted to be comfortable and he wanted me to play. Things were so much better after that realisation that I didn't need to worry about the future I just needed to be in the present with him I'm not saying that you don't do all of this (appreciating the moment etc). Now ds is 17 and yes, he does have a condition but it doesn't fill me with anxiety anymore. It's part of ds and I wouldn't want him to change. I'm just explaining all this because things were so much easier when I accepted that yes, there may be problems, but I was going to let it spoil my time.

[Malbecfan]

Please try not to worry OP. Your DD sounds lovely, smiling and laughing. Enjoy her whilst she stays in the same place - crawling is a nightmare!

DD1 never mastered rolling as a baby. She screamed in her pram. Then I started propping her up in the pram and she was a different child. She was just completely nosy. Before DD2 was born (DD1 was 20.5 months old) she could talk in sentences and it was very clear. But she was tiny. She hardly put any weight on as a baby. The HVs were worried, the GP less so.

Fast forward. DD1 is now 20, 21 in July. Guess what? She still talks well. She is bright & hard-working (Oxbridge) but she is still really petite. Size 6 UK is big on her. She is really strong & has danced competitively but she is tiny. She was never meant to be big. I shed so many tears over being told I was not feeding her properly or whatever when she was a baby, but it was obviously not meant to be.

Don't google or try to diagnose your DD. She is unique. She's your DD. Love her and enjoy her idiosyncrasies. When other mums tell you that their DC is translating ancient Greek, smile & nod then ignore them. Your baby is special because she is yours. Enjoy it all because it goes way too fast.

[YouokHun]

By year 2 he *was doing well (16 now!).

[YouokHun]

I think the Dr and the HV are not concerned because the many babies they’ve seen in their time leads them to the conclusion that all babies are different and develop at different times. I’m going to add to some of the other stories that illustrate just how difficult it is to predict how they will turn out based on their first year or so. My DS was slow to speak and to walk. He was a big baby (11lbs) and just couldn’t get his bulk off the floor. - he’s now extremely sporty and fit. He was late to speak and pretty mute when others were babbling away but by year 2 he’ll doing well and is academically very able and could talk the hind legs off a donkey. My DD, who was quick with all the baby and toddler stuff isn’t academic at all and not particularly sporty. They are both great, with different talents and different faults!

The worrying and focus on development as a indicator of your performance is probably your PND; I know as (like many here) I’ve been in your position and later on as a psychotherapist I ran some PND groups; this was so often the focus. Being a parent is an imperfect job and all you can do is your best. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll get most of it right but you will never really have certainty that you’ve performed well as a parent. Your need for certainty that you’re doing a good job may be what is causing your distress. There isn’t a barometer or scale of perfect parenting, it doesn’t exist, so you can’t put yourself on it and rate others as being higher up; it’s impossible to rate anyone. After all the baby who rolls of her stomach right on cue might be tomorrow’s drug addict or high court judge ... who knows!

One thing is crystal clear - you’re NOT pathetic, you are simply grappling with an enormous change in your life that so so many of us struggled with too.

[altiara]

Hi OP, being a first time mum is a minefield! I remember being asked if DD had a more than average number of colds, How on earth was I supposed to know what was ‘average’!

For what it’s worth, my DD didn’t roll over until 6.5 months and that was only because my DM kept putting her on her tummy. I think I was dressed she hadn’t rolled. She could sit up, but she just stayed still either sitting or on her back. She neither spoke nor moved and my friends baby did everything early!
My DS on the other hand rolled over and span around on his front at 11 weeks and crawled at 5.5 months. I had been expecting another non mobile baby so was pretty freaked out!

Then both talked late but had hearing problems. So it is good to keep an eye on things, but then not to stress too much. Just keep in touch with your HV.
Good luck

[Saturdayrabbit42]

Enjoy her...this time will go so quickly...she sounds just grand to me...congratulations xx

[Raaaa]

It sounds normal to me. We never bothered with tummy time because she hated it and she's fine, she walked late, talked late, was a big baby and now fits in perfectly well with her preschool group and is a happy little thing.
As hard as it is be aware of developmental timeframes but don't focus too much on it as every baby really is different

[BlueJava]

Please try not to worry OP. I had twins and worried a lot, I would constantly compare them because obviously there is always a reference. (I mean in my head, not out loud!!) They developed at different rates and I remember having the same worries.

Here is one of my experiences. One DS tried to grab on to everything, rolled around constantly, tried to pull himself up, knocked things over, got frusted because he couldn't walk, constantly tried. The other twin just sat there contentedly. He didn't try to move much, he seemed happy but he had none of the action of his brother. I was worried he was never going to move, that he hadn't got the strength, that there was something very wrong. The one who struggled eventually mastered toddling, and only a few days later the one who had done nothing suddenly toddled across the floor, several steps. He went from nothing to just toddling around. To me that shows that you can't compare, they do things at their own pace and regularly seem to pause development then race ahead.

[Disabrie22]

I work with babies - she sounds fine to me. Mine was still toppling over at ten months and one of mine only smiled at 4 months! Both absolutely fine and doing well academically

[SideEyeing]

Once again thank you all so much. I'm really going to try and just let her go at her own pace and stop worrying so much. Worst case scenario I'll contact the HV (I have done already but - probably unsurprisingly - she seemed to think the more pressing thing to do after I blubbed a about the size of my child's within-normal-range head might be the Edinburgh test )

[RoLaren]

Each child is an individual and hits different milestones in their own sweet time. My eldest wasn't potty trained until 5 and we were convinced it was our fault until our second potty trained without fuss at 2. Yours sounds absolutely fine. I promise you you would know if there was something seriously wrong. It really sounds like anxiety making you obsess. Relax, breathe and try to enjoy accompanying your child on their own unique journey.