Is this the sign of a narcissistic mother?

[ThisNarcLark]

1. Getting drunk when you have a primary school child even if you know said child doesn't like you drinking.

2.When said child is an adult, hating the e.g. daughter's partner and trying to make daughter feel guilty,

1. After daughter has been in relationship with partner for a while - saying to daughter "I'll emigrate - if daughter announces were to announce a pregnancy even though daughter is 25 and lives independently.
2. When daughter lived at home as a young adult, making daughter cry over constant pressure because she hates daughters boyfriend and then in response to her daughter's tears says "I may as well go. I'm just upsetting everybody.

5.Mum, her husband (daughter's dad) and (now adult) daughter live in city. While they live in the same house - mum suddenly announces "I want to go back to the rural area (60 miles away) I come from. I want to be on my own," this is said not within any discernible context

1. Kicks cat - family pet across kitchen floor
2. Hits 4 yr old daughter across face repeatedly.
3. Finds flimsy excuse to throw 17yr old daughter out of house in clothes she's stood up in (with nowhere to go) to 'teach her a lesson'
4. Mum openly says she wanted daughter to be an only child as she didn't want any jealousy between siblings.

These events were not in chronological order, just to clarify.

[RochelleGoyle]

How and when people process abuse/trauma has little to do with maturity @Disquieted1. Clearly the OP is still processing, so what's the point in being so dismissive?

[Samtsirch]

@Disquited1
That’s good to hear but be respectful that not everyone is where you have managed to get to, it doesn’t make them immature or deserving of scorn just because they’ve not yet discarded their baggage or are not yet « in control « of their life. 😊

[Disquieted1]

@samtsirch

Neither of the above. But what I am is mature enough to know that I'm in control of my life. Any baggage has been discarded years ago.

[Samtsirch]

@Disquieted1
Or are you in fact OP’s mother ?

[Samtsirch]

@Disquieted1
Do you perchance have grown up children who are not falling over backwards to congratulate you on your parenting skills ?

[MissMarks]

Sorry- missed the hitting child across face. That isn’t on.

[Disquieted1]

How many threads like this have we seen? A mature adult trawls through every aspect of their childhood and can not recall a single positive aspect.

OP, a diagnosis of narcissism is very complex and requires months of analysis by a trained psychiatrist. I know nothing about your mother and neither does anyone else. I don't know whether she was the monster that you have painted or someone who just muddled through, trying to do mostly right but sometimes doing wrong. But what I do know is that you're an adult who is in charge of her own future. Move on.

[MissMarks]

The cat thing isn’t good- what age were you when you witnessed that??

[MissMarks]

To me it reads like you have failed to leave up to her expectations- a levels and then university away. And that she doesn’t like your boyfriend.
She sounds blunt and tactless. But as someone who has worked with young people who have been in care, I wouldn’t say it was anywhere near on that level.

[draughtycatflap]

For the cat treatment alone I’d buy one of those books on narcissist mothers and beat her to death with it.

[Knoxinbox]

Have a look at the website “daughters of narcissistic mothers” there is a lot of useful information on there!!!

[MissMarks]

I don’t think narcissistic is the right the right word. Over bearing, insensitive, pushy, unpleasant.

[Spodge]

Doesn't sound like textbook narc, but there is something wrong there for sure.

[thatsallineed]

Never mind narcissism - some of that is physically abusive, with cruelty to animals thrown in.

She sounds plain evil, to be honest.

You don't have to put up with this any more. As others say, you are an adult, and if you don't want to see her ever again, you don't have to.

[ThisNarcLark]

Mulhollandandmagoo - to be honest she did a while ago so I don't have to make that decision but I do spend a lot of time thinking about her past behaviour as I think it's given me a skewed perception of right and wrong.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

She sounds absolutely awful!!!! I don't know much about narcissists but there are plenty of people on here whom will be able to help you.

Do you still have a relationship with her? Because if you want to go no contact you can, you don't have to put up with this sort of treatment if you don't want to what do you want the end result of this to be?

[ThisNarcLark]

WonderfullyaMummy - to be honest I can totally see your point with number 9 and I was wary about it before I even posted. I can fully see that as a standalone thing it's not a problem - but in my mum;s case it was part of her obsession to control.

[ThisNarcLark]

Thank you for all your book recommendations

[ThisNarcLark]

WonderfullyaMummy - No - your choice to have one child is great if that's what you want. Being an only child can potentially be a great experience.
However, my parents' motivation for having one child is that one child is easier to control. That imo is the wrong motivation for having one child.
As I say, being an only child is potentially a great thing. The right reason for having 1 child is because you feel they can develop independence, as they don't have someone of their own generation to hand, and this can bring confidence/independence. Another great motivation for having 1 child is they can have a great and well rounded life and don't need a sibling.
Similarly, a great reason to have a sibling family is they can in a similar vein have a good life with siblings, and possibly learn to deal with children at a slightly different level of development from them. I think the wrong reason to have more than 1 is an insurance for loneliness - it isn''t - in adulthood siblings can sometimes go their separate ways

[Watermelon2019]

I grew up with a narcissistic mother, and this all sounds very familiar to me.

I read a book called "healing the daughters of narcissistic mother's" and it genuinely changed my life for the better.

[WonderfullyaMummy]

Do you really think point 9 is bitchy? I've suffered terribly over the years due to my sister's jealousy of me and it's a large factor add to why I'll probably only have one child. I don't want history to repeat itself. Is that so bad?

[ThisNarcLark]

Thanks to everyone who has responded and sorry to anyone else going through anything like this. x

[RochelleGoyle]

@ThisNarcLark

She sounds a lot like my mother, who was also a drinker with narcissistic and anti-social traits. At the end of the day, categorising her doesn't matter really - what matters is that you recognise that she's been horribly abusive and start finding ways to shield yourself. For me, I had to go NC for many years.

[Terralee]

Kicks cat = evil woman