To feel anxious about being 34 and delaying TTC?

[undecidedforever2020]

I’m 34 in July. I’m in a relationship of nearly 3 years, we live together (albeit unofficially because of lockdown) and looking for somewhere suitable in our area big enough for the two of us. We both want children and on a daily basis I’m feeling anxious more and more about how old I’m going to be when we are finally ready to TTC. Ideally I’d want to be living together officially, preferably with a mortgage not renting (we are saving for deposit) and be married - I’d be happy with a small cheap wedding. I don’t know if I’m focussing more on this because of everything going on at the moment I don’t have my usual distractions of life but I can hear this biological clock loud and clear. I know women have babies in their late 30s and 40s but I don’t see myself being one of them. I feel like the last year especially last few months have flown by and I don’t have time to waste. How can I calm myself down?!

[peperethecat]

In your situation I would have a discussion with your partner about the timescale and budget for a simple registry office wedding and check you're both on the same page. If you are, aim to do it sooner rather than later (say, within a year?) and then TTC as soon as you're married, or a month or two before if you want to.

Come off hormonal contraception now if you're on it and start tracking your cycles because if you have a problem with ovulation then tracking your cycles can make you aware of it sooner rather than later.

And just keep saving and looking out for a property.

[undecidedforever2020]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

When I say small wedding I literally mean a simple registry office with minimal fuss. Small and intimate, it’s what we both want. No females in my family have had children in their mid 30s or beyond they all had theirs in their 20 so I can’t compare there, I know my grandmother and my mum/aunties were still having regular periods until age 50 but again this could have no bearing on me.

I’m going to have a proper chat with my boyfriend about how far exactly we are away from having enough for a mortgage deposit - I’d love to have the security of a mortgaged property before bringing a baby into the mix but like PPs have said it might be a case of prioritising TTC.

[peperethecat]

No in those circumstances I wouldn't, but the OP isn't in her 20s with a boyfriend of a year. She's in her 30s with a boyfriend of three years. That makes a big difference.

It's all about trying to strike a balance between your reproductive age and your feelings of being "ready" for a baby. The older the woman is, the more I would advise putting all other things to one side, even taking a risk in a shorter term relationship, and prioritising getting pregnant. A woman in her 20s has more time on her side to get the rest of her life in order. But when you're in your 30s and not getting any younger, sometimes it's better to try and have a baby first and get the rest of your life in order afterwards.

I think the OP should live with her boyfriend for a while just to make sure the relationship is still as strong as she thinks and hopes once they are cohabiting. But I wouldn't leave it too long to start TTC.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Again I don’t mean to cause offence. Given your personal experiences peperethecat and Level75 would you advocate a woman in her 20s who knows one day she wants a baby to ttc whilst living at home with a Boyfriend of a year?
I agree there is no perfect time to have a baby, but there are “bad” times to have a baby. If the OP and her partner are a year or 2 from owning a home I still would say they prioritise that. If they are 5 years off then I would say ttc.

[Level75]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers that's what I used to think before infertility happened to me. I didn't feel ready as I was waiting for a particular point in my career/maternity pay but in retrospect it would have been absolutely no issue to get pregnant before everything was 'in place'.
It's hard to make people feel it though as trying for a baby is a big step and you can't imagine you're going to be the one that struggles. Even my little sister, who obviously knows what I've been through, didn't listen. She started trying at 32. She's 34 now and no sign of a pregnancy.

[Darlingyouvegottoletmeknow]

I think waiting until everything is “perfect” can lead to people missing out on what is “good”

I agree with this.

I'd have a discussion with your partner about what is really important to you both.

And work out how long your current plan of 'a small wedding' and buying a house before starting to TTC would take - it could take years.

After a similar discussion, we decided to start TTC straight away, and had a simple Registry office wedding, because for us having a baby sooner was the most important thing.

When I was once waffling about trying for a baby "sometime in the future, not now" an older friend said "what are you waiting for? What do you want to do first? If you want to have children, then figure out what you are waiting to do first, and actually get on and do it". Time can easily slip away from you.

[peperethecat]

You got lucky, @OnlyFoolsnMothers.

The reason why women who have experienced infertility and loss tend to advise other women to prioritise TTC (as you oh so astutely observe) is that we know exactly how heartbreaking it is when you wait for the right time to have a baby and then can't have one, and if we could have our time again we might well have put off the wedding (as fabulous as it was) and the property buying to try and have a baby when we still had more and better quality eggs.

We are speaking from first hand experience of what it feels like to take the risk and have it not pay off.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I really don’t wish to be in anyway offensive or insensitive but women who have experienced fertility issues always say prioritise TTC. If you aren’t happy/ ready to be pregnant tomorrow, don’t start trying.
I was told after an eptopic in my 20s I would have trouble conceiving and to not leave it to 30 to have a baby. I got pregnant ASAP when I was ready at 30 with my first and am 33 now pregnant with number 2.
Marriage may not be everything but honestly I would prioritise home ownership if it is within realistic reach. Having a child, forking out for childcare will set you back years and see the market run away from you.

[Level75]

Another thought, we had all the basic fertility tests the GP does and everything came back fine for us - it didn't pick up the endo at all - so you can't necessarily rely on this.

We got married half way through the various tests and treatments. I know some people think marriage and a mortgage is a big deal but in my experience both are utterly inconsequential in comparison to having a child. I can't advise you strongly enough to prioritise your fertility above anything else at your age.

[Level75]

I waited until I was 30 to start trying thinking I had loads of time - I've always been pretty relaxed and dismissive of people I thought were scare mongering about fertility.

Turns out I have stage 4 endometriosis (otherwise asymptomatic). It took 5 years of trying, surgery and 7 rounds of IVF. We were very lucky to be able to afford all that and that the outcome, for us, was successful, albeit we can never have another.

Now I harp on to anyone who will listen to start sooner rather than later.

Marriage is really not a relevant consideration unless you're ultra traditional.

[lockdownstress]

@StirlingWork those tests are notoriously unreliable in terms of their correlation with future fertility. The main purpose of them is to lighten your wallet.

[Pineapples1980]

Totally agree with what peperethecat said.

[peperethecat]

Alas, I come from a family of super fertile people who conceived first try for each child (on both sides) and as far as I know I'm the first one to experience recurrent loss. So family history isn't necessarily a good indication either.

The OP just won't know whether she's one of the lucky ones or not until she starts trying.

[Ilikeviognier]

OP it is no use at all what anyone else says. It bears no relation on your own situation at all. The only clue you might get is when your mum went through menopause- if you roughly minus ten years off that, it’s allegedly supposed to give you a clue what you’re own deadline might be (this worked in my Own situation as my mum had an earlyish menopause).

Re fertility tests- if you do this, just be aware that all they tell you is how many eggs you have left, and what is important re getting pregnant is egg quality which is completely related to age.

There is no test for egg quality. So even if you do the tests, they might tell you that you have less time for example, which yes is valuable, but the test won’t tell you what happens if you try in the near future- just that you should try sooner. Equally your results might be fine, but That doesn’t mean that you’d have no problem getting pregnant at 40 as egg quality has declined by then.

[peperethecat]

Everyone is different I know, but I conceived first try at 34 and 39.

This is of absolutely no use to the OP though because she doesn't know whether it will be as easy for her as it was for you until she starts trying.

[Jupiter15]

I think if you both want children then you should consider TTC before waiting to get married and buy a house. So many people wait for the perfect time and then it’s too late or it becomes very difficult. You say you can’t imagine waiting until your late thirties but looking at what you want to do before having children it looks like you would be.

[SpecialKakapo]

I think waiting until everything is “perfect” can lead to people missing out on what is “good”

Agree with this.

I remember a friend saying to me "if you wait till you're totally ready you'll never do it". She had a point!

[Merryoldgoat]

Everyone is different I know, but I conceived first try at 34 and 39.

I’m fat and have PCOS and the general consensus from doctors was I’d have difficulty (from young) but I decided that I’d rather wait until I was ready and deal with the fallout.

At my NCT I was one of the younger ones at 34.

As far as I understand is if you have difficulty later there’s no guarantee you’d have conceived earlier in any case.

All the people I know with fertility issues experienced them quite young.

[Pleatherandlace]

A fertility test is only accurate as of the day it is done. The plans you have could potentially take years to achieve. I know many many people who’s families have been limited due to the fact they started trying in their mid thirties and didn’t find it as easy as expected to conceive. I would try to work out what on the to-do list was most important to me and prioritise that. I think waiting until everything is “perfect” can lead to people missing out on what is “good”.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Re: being married comment, firstly OP has made it clear she wants to be married, it will be a hell of a lot harder to get married once a child is around from a justification of the cost perspective if nothing else. Secondly even if a woman isn’t a SAHM, it tends to be women whose careers take a hit, not only with mat leave but flexible working or limiting their potential due to school hours etc.

[pumpkinbump]

Just to be clear, you know this is a 15-20%per cycle, right? Because it sounded like you were saying if you start TTC at 35 you have a 15-20% chance of having a baby.

Sorry yes, I should have stated that.

[Tootletum]

Just crack on with your plans. Plan a small wedding with family next summer. Start trying now. Perfectly possible to get married shortly after baby, and if you're not pregnant in a year at least you can start treatment earlier and have a much higher chance of success. I was 34 when I met my boyfriend. 35 when we had our first baby. We got married 9 weeks later. Conceiving was a bit easier than planned...