I'm 8 weeks pregnant and basically in the crap. Can someone help :(

[RedRose405]

Well i'm guessing i'm 8-9 weeks since that's when I last saw him. I had a bit of blood last month so just presumed that was my period.
I've been with boyfriend 8 months.

Problem is.
I'm 24 and live with my parents as does my boyfriend.
My boyfriend is on really good money and works away a lot. Hence why he still lives with parents as we want to buy a house when he's home a bit more. However, currently the coronavirus means he isnt work but once he is again, he will be back to really good money.

Whereas I am a supply teacher and I am currently furloughed by my agency. I have been applying for jobs but now I feel at loss.
I wouldnt be able to bring myself to abortion or adoption but how am I supposed to cope when I'm entitled to no maternity leave? I don't know if i'm financially stable enough for this :( boyfriend is better off with money but i cant just rely on his income and go up to him and say "hey looks like you're paying me to be a housewife"

Boyfriend doesn't know yet, I found out about an hour ago. Been in my room crying.
This is probably rambled but I need advice for people with more life experience or people who have been through similar.

If you need more info let me know.

[ZooKeeper19]

Hi OP @RedRose405, lot of people said you need to think about yourself first, so no need to repeat that. One thing though, you say you dont want to mess up his life - you think about your life please. You will manage, virus or not, so you do what you feel like doing. He may be in shock, but ultimately when two people have sex there is always a chance of a baby. No one should be that much surprised. I also happened to fall pregnant a little unplanned and I lost my job when 8 months pregnant (had to change jobs) so no mat leave other than statutory and we managed. Sending positive vibes, hope you feel better this morning.

[dottiedodah]

You dont need to feel guilty in any way! It always makes me smile when women are seen as "getting pregnant" as if they did it single handedly! Maybe speak to your BF (can you not meet for a socially distanced walk somewhere quiet?) At least then he will be in the picture as it were .I think many people become pregnant unexpectedly ,and 24 while young is not 16 is it .Why will your parents be horrified at the thought of their DD a young woman having sex do you think? There is an old saying "if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans!" Even if you were not pregnant, frequent travel to Europe is not easy ATM with Covid .If you want to have your Baby then dont let anyone talk you out of it ,Abortion should be a "last resort" anyway .Why would you have to leave work and "him pay you to be a housewife" FFS! Most women today work outside the home and even if they dont ,they are responsible for childcare and housekeeping as part of a relationship!

[DontGoJasonWaterfalls]

When you tell him, give him time to get over the shock. Whatever he says at first will be said in fear and shock and panic - his true feelings probably won't be clear until a good 24 hours later. Don't start panicking about what he's going to say until he's actually said it!

If you know in your heart that an abortion isn't the right choice for you, tell him that you are pregnant and you intend on keeping the baby. What he decides to do is up to him but you are making your position on the matter clear at least.

I had a baby at 19, in the middle of uni. It wasnt easy but we coped and supported one another. I married her dad when I was 22 and we're happy. I graduated on time and DD is now 6 and the absolute light of my life.

Whatever decision you make, everything will be OK. You will cope and eventually you'll be unable to imagine life any other way - that's true for however it works out.

[peperethecat]

Also I don't want to scare you, but if it's 8-9 weeks since you last saw your boyfriend then you could be more like 10-11 weeks pregnant, since pregnancy is calculated from the first day of your last period or two weeks before your ovulation date. That means that if a termination is something you want to consider then unfortunately you will need to act quite quickly.

[peperethecat]

Hi OP.

First of all, take a deep breath.

Think about your boyfriend. What kind of person is he? If you weren't pregnant, could you genuinely imagine living with him and the two of you building a life together? Have you ever discussed marriage and kids, or is it too early in your relationship for it to have come up? Is he kind and respectful? Do your parents like him? Does he take responsibility for his own actions? Could you see him sticking around to raise a baby with you, or being a loving and involved parent if you have the baby but your relationship doesn't work out? What is your gut telling you about him?

Secondly, you need to tell him. His reaction will tell you a lot about what kind of person he is in a crisis. It takes two people to make a baby, and so if he is a decent person his response should be to accept responsibility for his part in it and offer to support you whatever decision you make.

Thirdly, you should probably try and get a scan to work out exactly how far along you are and what the timescales are for making a decision. You do not have to have this baby. But if you do want to consider a termination, the earlier you do it the easier it will be for you, both physically and mentally.

You should consider all your options before making a decision.

[Takingontheworld]

10 years ago I was you, a tiny bit younger.

We did end up going through with an abortion. I was so terribly sad at the time and worried I'd made a mistake, so I put my mind to achieving the things I'd had planned.

My partner and I stayed together, now dh. We got married and I climbed the career ladder for another 7 years, as did he. We enjoyed the holidays etc we'd wanted to take and then felt it was time. We now have twins, which was a massive shock!

Do I ever wonder what my life would be like if we hadn't made that decision, yes, but I also know we made the right one for us as a couple then. We'd have made it work and we would have been fine, but in the end the upset of it all made me realise that I'd forever wish I'd had the chance to do the thing's I'd hoped of before parenthood, because that time was short but parenthood is forever.


I hope you are able to make a decision you feel happy with. But as someone said above, let your bloke have his time to sort his feelings too, just as you are now and don't judge him on his initial reactions.

Best of luck.

[Dragongirl10]

Op please listen to the good advice here, your boyfriend is a pretty poor excuse for a man if he doesn't support you, he is also responsible for the pregnancy. He could have worn a condom if he was that adamant about not wanting children yet. This is not your fault.

Also what your parents think is irrelevant, you are 24 not 15 !

Your posts are all about others, time to be a grown up take a deep breath and quietly decide what you want to happen. Then stick to your guns, this is a huge decision that you will have to live with, it has to be the one that is right for you.

[RandomGirl]

I hope you get the outcome you’re looking for with your partner. From the way you talk about him, it sounds as if he really cares about you. It’ll be a shock for him but you might be really surprised. It’s just not what you both had planned, but life does that sometimes, I have a good feeling for you x

[Yankathebear]

The people around you (dp and parents) May surprise you with their support.
I was in a similar situation and could only imagine the bad outcomes. Once people (including me) were over the shock we made it work.

[2kool4skool]

Don't forget, when you tell him he will be shocked (as were you) and give him time to think and process. Often read on here that women are upset at partner's reaction but they've known for 24hrs plus before telling them. Also, you haven't don't this to him, he took part!! this is an important time to make your own choices, look after yourself flowers

I’m repeating the above post. You’ve been devastated and in tears since you found out. Let the poor lad go through the same emotions without assuming his initial shock is a vote for abortion.

[Pleasenodont]

Discuss with him first before you start panicking, see how he feels about it and have an adult conversation. Be prepared for him freaking out and doing a runner though, you haven’t been together very long and you’re young so it could happen. He might surprise you and be super supportive though, you have no idea until you tell him.

You clearly don’t want an abortion which is absolutely fine but you should make that clear to him from the off, don’t let him back you into a corner. Your parents will be fine, you’re 24 not 14.

[ichifanny]

Discuss it with the babies father , he will likely be in shock first but you need to have a conversation about it and get it all out in the open .

[ichifanny]

Hey OP I was in the exact same position 16 years ago , I had just qualified in my profession also and was 6 months into a relationship , it was a shock but decided to go ahead and he’s 16 now , no regrets at all and we are still together and have 4 kids in total . I got a job while pregnant and went back to it when he was 6 months old . It may work with the father .. it may not but you will be ok .

[TeacherKS1]

Genuine question- how are you furloughed when you're a supply teacher? I did supply for years, not sure how this would work.

[Findingapath]

At 24 I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. It was a massive shock for both of us and initially we didn’t know what to do. I think it was important for us to go through that initial shock together, I told him straight away.
We definitely planned on having kids together at some point but would never have considered ourselves ready. We discussed all options and after a few days he came to me and said he wanted to make it work if I did. I did, and it is the most amazing thing ever. It might not be as you imagined, job wise/house/time wise but you can just make it work.

I really do think it was important for us to process the shock together. If I took time to make my mind up first and tell him what we were doing i think he would have felt pressured and as if he was not part of the decision. Even if you know what you want or don’t want, be open for him to go through the process of shock and the need for him to explore/discuss options. I think if you are to both independently arrive at the same decision then it provides a stronger way to go forwards together, and make it work.

[CherryCreme]

Hey! I was in a pretty similar situation in December, I'd just turned 24, living with my parents/boyfriends parents and had a positive test, it was a huge shock and we didn't think we would get through it. Fast forward to now I'm 28 weeks pregnant, we have just moved into our first home 2 weeks ago and the baby prep is under way!

I'm also furloughed with the current situation and I never expected to be pregnant in a pandemic, however it's been confirmed my SMP will be based on my normal wage before furlough, they are doing their best to protect mums to be in this time so I'm sure as long as you have worked there for x amount of time, you will also be protected!

It sounds like you really want this baby, I won't lie it has been challenging at times and my little girl isn't even here yet, I don't regret my decision to continue with my pregnancy and can't imagine I ever will, you've got this!!

[TheGirlWithAPrince]

I understand your predicament.

I was 25 and i was living with my parents and my boyfriend when i became pregnant.. I then moved out and had my son, a month later i got pregnant again and now have a 2 year old boy and a 1 year old girl haha it has had its moments of WTF was i thinking but i can honestly say i wouldn't have changed a thing, my life is looking up... I am on benefits now and in a council house so people may look down on me but i before having a baby i was on a 28k a year job but i gave it up due to anxiety as the work was very dangerous and hard.

I love my kids but i know how hard it is when you arnt prepared but at the same time i did it i managed to habe 2 babys with no money and no home and im doing okay.

Its up to you what you decide but just remember that

1. If you have the child you will love it so much that issues dont quite feel the same
2. If you abort then its okay too, there is always the future to have a child
3. Dont worry about what your parents think, my mum panicked and then a few weeks later i overheard her excitedly telling my grandma in the bathrook -_- she is in love with my 2 babies and your parents will be too when they come around.

Its a shock for everybody but the first thing is to just talk to your boyfriend because that may set in stone how you really feel, my boyfriend ( now husband) said abort and it made me realise how much i wanted my baby so he came round to the idea.

[Moonfacebiggins]

I was in this position 20 years ago when I was 24. I thought my whole world was turned upside down. I knew that I was going to keep the baby no matter what. I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, that I was going to keep the baby and he had to take time to think what he wanted and how much he wanted to be involved.

20 years later we have 3 children, still together and very happy. You can do this. I know it sounds scary and it's not want you planned. I knew an abortion wasn't a choice for me and I knew I would make it work. We moved into our own house when I was 8 months pregnant and it was tough but we both worked hard and we now have a life we are proud of.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way xx

[Stampy84]

Hope you’re feeling ok this morning, I remember the shock when I found out I was pregnant at 19!!

[JudyCoolibar]

I just have a feeling he'll mention 'abortion' which is why i'm scared to bring it up.

It's a reasonable question to ask, particularly given what you say about wanting a permanent job before getting pregnant, and it's one you really ought to talk through with the other person most closely affected.

[DontStandSoClose]

Hey, please don’t stress, I know easier said than done. You say you don’t want to have an abortion so it’s time to do some research and work out the logistics.

Maternity allowance isn’t actually much less than statutory mat pay, you just need to have worked for 26 weeks out of the last 60 weeks (so 5 years) and earned over £130 a week, it doesn’t even have to be consecutive. The only extra you’d get on statutory mat pay is the extra 6 weeks at 90% pay at the beginning. Although it isn’t ideal you do live with your parents therefore your biggest outgoing (accommodation) is effectively taken care of. You could have the baby and then return to work 9 months or so later. Your boyfriend will also need to contribute towards his child so don’t write his contribution off. Whether your relationship survives or not this isn’t about him paying you to be a housewife, you didn’t get yourself pregnant now did you.

You can do this, you just need to work through logistics. I hope you are ok X

[Bleepbloopblarp]

You’re pregnant. It happens - it’s nature - so stop beating yourself up for a start. It takes two to tango and presumably he didn’t wear a condom?

The fact you are living with your parents at 24 sounds like they are quite supportive? They’re not going to chuck you out on the street. They may even, after they’ve got used to the idea, be pleased/excited. 24 isn’t that young to have a baby - I was 21 and have managed just fine!

Firstly decide what YOU want to do. It’s YOUR body and YOUR life that is going to be mostly affected. You will be entitled to benefits if you can’t get back to work for a while. You’re a qualified teacher which seems like a good position to be in work-wise right now (ie you’re not in an industry about to go bust!)

Take a breather. There’s no big rush to decide what you want to do. If your bf decides to dump you for getting pregnant he probably wasn’t a keeper anyway. I know that’s not what you want to hear, you love him, but it’s something to think about.

[peachypetite]

Is this your thread Too? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3919028-Forced-to-get-an-abortion

[Toilenstripes]

In the other thread you started you say you’re 20 and your bf is 26....🙄