I'm married to a workaholic

[adag]

Wondered if anyone had any advice.
My dh is a workaholic. He's wfh at the moment, I'm on maternity leave with our second child (3 months) and also have our dd (4) at home. We've had a rough few months as the birth was a bit traumatic, baby doesn't really sleep and dh was very sick for 3 weeks with corona.
Since getting better he's been working non-stop. He gets up (we're in separate rooms as he need sleep to be able to work) showers, starts work and works until after the kids bedtimes. I drop lunch off outside the study. He's working the whole time, its a demanding job and I'm not doubting the stress and pressure.
But I am becoming resentful at the lack of support... I'm up practically all night (3 hours sleep is a great night) and trying to keep my 4 year old engaged all day. I have all the housework and cooking to fit in too. Basically, I'm exhausted. I've been feeling unwell for the last few days and would just love a few hours support. Or him to get up a few minutes earlier and have the kids so I could shower.... anything really.
We have talked about it, he is sympathetic, promises to help but he just can't fit it in. But I'm on mat leave and so he does see childcare and house stuff as my job for this period.
I'm worried for our marriage - I am resentful at the lack of help, he is under huge pressure at work and still recovering from corona and we just don't seem to be able to find any common ground or sympathy for the other person. Any advice? Anyone been through similar?

[middleager]

Thanks OP, I really feel for you.
I've hit rock bottom today.

I hurt my arm by banging it into a hard wooden sofa table, I grazed it and now it's throbbing. My husband didn't even have a spare minute to help me after it happened due to work. Not one spare minute.

Sorry, I can't offer you advice, but it sucks.

[CurlyEndive]

What time does he finish work? You say it's after the DC's bedtime, but is it 7pm or 9pm? If the latter (and he's definitely working not just surfing the net in his study!) then I think it's reasonable for him not to help with the DC on weekdays. But if it's 7pm, then I think he should take half an hour off to do bath time while you have a break, then return to his study to finish off. And definitely make sure he pulls his weight at weekends! You should be getting a lie in on either Sat or Sun while he gets up with the kids.

[adag]

@middleager sorry your having such a tough time. Lockdown does seem to make it so much worse for sure. I am seriously contemplating separating too... I know lots of people have it far worse - every day on this forum you see domestic abuse, affairs, money trouble etc - but it does feel quite unbearable right now...

[middleager]

Yes. There are no massive financial benefits as he earns an average UK salary.
I earn a bit more than him, in a more senior role with its own stresses, but am still doing the lion's share of house and child work.
His job is oh so important and serious and the house revolves around his 10 hr days, which must bring his salary right down.
I'm resentful. We fall out about it most days. It's a bone if contention IRL...in lockdown it's unbearable and It's making me want to separate.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Hire an agency cleaner until your regular cleaner returns. Order in dinner and make sure you get one night off, he can't work 7 nights you need a long quiet bath the DC need a rested DM.

[UnaCorda]

If he was single he would have to fit in housework and cooking (or, at the very least, organising food for himself).

[adag]

@hopeishere we had the same conversation about bh Monday last night (he had clearly forgotten it was a bank holiday and look horrified at the prospect of not working!)

[adag]

@PrimeroseHillAnnie - yes, I think a lot of people are feeling pressure about their jobs....

It's a perfect storm really of him needing to work, me being knackered with all the childcare, being stuck at home and not being able to get the help you usually would...

[hopeishere]

Mine too. Ive got used to it. To the pp saying 'Monday bank holiday family day' he's already said he will be working all day!

He's downstairs now working. I'm going watch tv in bed.

Ironically I'm paid more than home but do less hours and less stress. I do point to him that even though he thinks he has no choice but to work hard (will get fired / let the team down / will get in trouble) he does have a choice. Deep down he regrets it but it's like Stockholm syndrome unfortunately.

[adag]

@emeraldshamrock @sunshineandmoonlight - you're right - we do usually have a cleaner (her husband is vulnerable so we've decided not to ask her to come back just yet) and dd would normally be in nursery, so that would make a huge difference. And I've just ordered dinner for tomorrow from a nice pub nearby.
He's definitely not slacking... he is genuinely working to tight deadlines and under pressure.

@Curiosity101 - great idea, will def try the shift system at weekends.

@neverender - I think holiday would really help tbh. Will speak to him (when he emerges from his study !)

@ohtheroses @cuppaza - yes, he's the higher earner... there are usually nice holidays etc to compensate. Not quite the nice house as we bought a project last year that we can't do anything with due to lockdown... probably not helping my mood being stuck in it!

[Neverender]

I'd ask him to book some holiday and expect a yes, but a job like that doesn't do itself.

[Sunshineandmoonlight]

I second the outside help if possible. I think it would make the world of difference even temporarily but probably ongoing after this.

[DrManhattan]

Is he working or just trying to get away from the fam?

[EmeraldShamrock]

I don't blame you feeling resentful. The 2nd DC makes a massive difference lack of sleep while trying to entertain the older one. You have my sympathy you have his but sympathy is not going to help.
It doesn't sound like he's slacking so can you hire outside help? A CM for a few hours in the morning or a cleaner to take the pressure off even a decent dinner delivery service?
It will get easier it's a tough time.

[Curiosity101]

I feel for you. I have no real advice but my DH is similar (although not putting in quite as many hours as yours). He's meant to work 8 - 4. Normally it's 7.30 - 5 and I reckon he'd go even longer if it wasn't for the fact he knows how annoyed I get. He also works on and off over the weekend quite regularly.

He doesn't need to help me before work because I have loads of time when the baby naps to do things like showering etc. So it's perfectly reasonable for him to just get himself ready in the morning and then work from whatever time he fancies starting work.

He also couldn't possibly finish earlier because people just put meetings in his calendar and it's impossible to refuse or reschedule them.

I swear I almost imploded when he announced the other day that he would be using his lunchtimes to go out cycling from now on. Me: "So you never ever have time to help me at lunch but you can find the time to go out cycling every lunchtime?"

We work in the exact same role at the exact same company, so I know it's complete Bull. Whether he believes what he's saying or not is another matter... but it's still Bull.

Unfortunately, I don't have the answer. I periodically get very very annoyed with him. I've tried to explain that I'm effectively being forced to work 6.30 am - 5 pm every day because of his choices, and yet he's the one who's complaining 'when do I get time off'.

Sorry... I started venting partway through there...

The only thing I have found that does help a little is that I've introduced a 'shifts' system at the weekend. I introduced it under the guise of 'it'll enable you to have some chunks of time to do what you want in', which to be fair I do believe is important. Both parents do need time to do their own thing. Effectively one parent does the night shift (8 pm - 8 am) and then you alternate in 3-hour shifts until 8 pm when the other parent ends up on the night shift. Whenever you're not 'on-call' your time is yours to do whatever you want with. Sometimes I use it for housework, sometimes we do stuff together as a family and sometimes I just do my own thing (bath, walks, watching tv, reading, napping, drinking wine, etc).

I imagine it'd be slightly harder with a 4-year-old but you could probably divert her to her dad with "Mummy would love to but could you go and ask Daddy for me please?" or equivalent. I don't know if it'd be of any use but it might help a little at the weekend so you can at least catch up on a bit of sleep.

[PrimeroseHillAnnie]

He’s probably worried about keeping his job so he’s putting the hours to prove his worth. It’s tough out there and I should think media revenue is well down. Not to mention he’s recovering. That can take months , not just weeks.

[OhTheRoses]

Yes. Have been for nearly 30 years. But it bought a cleaner and the cleaner should be back by now at least.

Was out of the house 7am - 9.30pm most days. DC's were for me to look after as was house and all things practical.

Consolations: beautiful home: 8 years with the DC, private schools, 2nd home in France, worth every minute and none of it woukd have happened if I hadn't supported him 110%.

What are you getting out of this?

[Dishwashersaurous]

Right

Long weekend coming up. Three days off.

Saturday you stay in bed all day and he does everything

Sunday he can a day to do whatever he wants

Monday family day. Long walk in the morning. Family film in the afternoon

Then once kids are in bed you sit down and properly talk about how you are going to both manage until September.

Sit down with the calendar and plan out his annual leave over the next three months.

Then talk about when you get a break in the day. Maybe he does breakfast time so get to stay in bed etc or he does lunch.

Explain very clearly that he is not commuting at the moment therefore as a bare minimum that time should be family time

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Oh and I was told by a medical professional that I was heading for a breakdown of the set up continued as it was.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

My xh was like this. Had to work, couldn't "fit in" the smallest amount of parenting or partnering.

Took frequent cigarette breaks though, and was frequently playing a quick computer game instead of working when I looked.

I left him. He does a lot more parenting now he has to schedule it.

[CuppaZa]

He was ill for 3 weeks with Covid19. Sounds like he might be trying to catch up with work. Is he the higher earner? I’d let him get back into the swing of things with work, then approach the fact that he also needs to parent.

[fuuuuuuck]

And is he working to tight deadlines etc......I'm trying to understand why he's putting in the hours he does.....

I know you feel utterly headfucked by this but you must tell him you need a night off at least.....you need some support or you'll crack x I've been there , totally

[adag]

@adultieradult glad it isn't just me

[adag]

@fuuuuuuck - he works in media planning / advertising

[adag]

@Dishwashersaurous I think I noticed it less last time as he just wasn't in the house. We only had 1 baby and I was out and about a lot at classes etc so it was quite easy to keep her entertained! Plus she slept so I didn't feel so exhausted.