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AIBU?

to find it a strain that PIL want to see us EVERY weekend?

18 replies

MrsMcJnr · 03/09/2007 16:38

My PIL are lovely people and I do care deeply about them but I find them suffocating. They don?t work and have very few interests beyond DH and I and SIL. In the past, we have seen a lot of them and probably had them over every other weekend for a meal and to stay over. Whilst fun, this always involved a lot of work for me and late nights and a lot of booze. Now I am pregnant, and in a high risk pregnancy, I just cannot cope with the exertion and even worse, I feel that they constantly stress me out. MIL calls me nearly every night for an "update" and its always when I've just got in from work and she now expects to see us every weekend and gets huffy if I say we are busy.

It has been like this since DH and I married in June 2006. Every time we saw them after that it was ?why aren?t you pg yet? then we lost a baby in March, told them and still got ?why aren?t you pg again? every week until at 6 weeks we told them this time to end the stress but it hasn?t ended it and it just mounts up. I harbour really negative feelings and worry that it?ll only get worse when out baby arrives. I probably am being unreasonable but if anyone has any tips for keeping things on an even keel and not falling out with them, I?d love to hear them. My own family are all far away so until DH and I got together 6 years ago, I was used to my precious weekends being just that.

OP posts:

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MrsMcJnr · 04/09/2007 15:10

Thank you all so much your views really helped me to express to DH how I constantly feel stressed and guilty about them. He is going to speak to them and says he understands how it has been making me feel. I will try to develop a thicker skin too.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 03/09/2007 20:08

I'd've emigrated by now. How do you manage to put up with it? There's no one apart from DH and DCs that I'd want to see as often as that. Especially not PIL. That's such a lot for you to put up with. We see my PIL every quarter. That's enough! We've got our own lives to lead and I think that's reasonable.

They sound really controlling and insensitive. Does MIL need to be involved in every single aspect of your pregnancy? It would be nice for you to keep some things for yourself, wouldn't it?

I'd establish what is ok for you right now rather than when the baby arrives and they start deciding when it should be weaned, what school it'll go to etc. This happened to me until I told PIL that parenting decisions were none of their business. Get DH on side with a clear plan.

portonovo · 03/09/2007 18:09

You must stop this now, it will get so much worse once they have a grandchild to dote on too.

It's great they want to see so much of you, but it must be on your terms and there must be lots of give and take. Don't take their phone calls all the time, that's what voicemail or answering machines are for. Definitely don't see them every weekend - tell them you have other plans or are just tired and want to rest or even you want to spend some time just the two of you. Your husband has got to support you on this, or your family life will not be your own.

You could set a 'timetable' - perhaps get together every other weekend - but I'd be tempted to try to get things on a much more casual footing. Nothing arranged definitely, but every now and then invite them over for a few hours or for the day, not the weekend. Or ring and ask them if you could pop up to theirs for a few hours on such and such a day - that way you will control how long you stay! If they try to push for every weekend or whatever, you have to be firm and just say, 'I don't think we're around this weekend' or 'I don't know what our plans are yet' or whatever. Make sure they see their grandchild regularly so they don't feel cut out, but don't let them take over your lives.

Anna8888 · 03/09/2007 17:06

They sound incredibly invasive and you are not being unreasonable.

In laws should be seen at the weekend AT MOST once a month IMO, unless you just adore each other.

HuwEdwards · 03/09/2007 17:02

erm...they do sound completely controlling.

For starters, let the phone calls each night go to Voicemail and tell her (all the time smiling) you are shattered, need to rest when you get in and will, now the pregnancy is progressing, update her once a week only.

Tell them at weekends you are looking at baby stuff/visiting friends/visiting your parents etc.

And get your DH to help you!

You really need to get this sorted - god only knows what they'll be like when the baby arrives.

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 03/09/2007 17:01

i cant believe tehy were going to announce your pregnancy, how dare they??? id have a big long chat with dh and get him talking to them, you need boundaries!!

flowerybeanbag · 03/09/2007 16:56

at outing your pg!
DH needs to sort it out, this is unreasonable by anyone's standards surely?

puffylovett · 03/09/2007 16:54

mrsmc, thats really unreasonable ! it's your news to tell people ! your dh definitely needs to take more of a stand

NAB3 · 03/09/2007 16:54

What would you do if it was a friend or aquaintance who was trampling all over your feelings? They need to be told.

MrsMcJnr · 03/09/2007 16:53

Thanks I don?t think DH finds them as suffocating or as stressful but I think he does see how they are affecting me. He is really laid back though and does need to take a stand more. He has on occasion. A few weeks back, in spite of us explaining that I didn?t want to tell anyone else about the pregnancy until 20 weeks for medical reasons, they planned a party to ?out? us to all DH?s relatives. I was so upset and scared; it felt like such bad luck. DH finally decided to call all his relatives to tell them so I wouldn?t have the stress of the ?big announcement? being made at the party. So really, they got their way as we were forced to tell them all before we wanted to.

The PIL live about 50 mins away so not that far but far enough for it to take a chunk out of our weekend to get together the way they want to.

OP posts:

puffylovett · 03/09/2007 16:46

maybe you could ask dh to have a word and explain that you'd like some quality time alone with each other before the baby arrives.

tbh if it's like this now, it may well get worse once the baby is born, and you could do with establishing some boundaries. i have made the mistake of getting my PILS into the routine of me and ds going over every week, and they have come to expect it so i've had to pull back for a few weeks. but tbh i have wound up feeling really negative and anti PIL as a result.

it might be worth having an honest talk with them - does your dh understand and back you up ? or does he not realise how you feel ? if he understands then i would nip this in the bud by having a good long talk if you can.

and i don't think yabu, it sounds like an awful lot of work and socialising and pressure at a time when you should be relaxing and enjoying your pregnancy. i think you do very well to talk to her every night ! i would just ignore the phone !

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 16:45

YANBU but I have to see mine most days if I am with my husband. They live close by, on the way to the stables, and until he met me my husband saw them every day (lived there til he was 25!). When he met me he didn't see them so much and they moaned a bit. I really love them but they always want something doing. We don't mind the odd thing as they do it for us, but every time I am there she treats me like IT Tech, and he's their DIY bod. And on the way home from the stables, my husband's guilt will usually kick in 'just got to pop back my parents' house for...'. We keep the horse lorry and trailer there, plus a load of our stuff we don't use, because it is a farm and loads of space, so he always has an excuse to go back there! Sometimes I just want to go straight home and not see them!!! My mum lives 100 miles away...

But your situation sounds a lot worse. They need to understand the risks and so your husband needs to explain it to them.
I think the only way to keep this relationship a happy one, is to see them every other Saturday or Sunday, not every Saturday AND Sunday. Seeing them twice a month should be more bearable. And try to explain you can't do the drinking/late nights now. They should understand.

OrmIrian · 03/09/2007 16:45

Hmm.... I was a bit like your DH TBH. I used to feel guilty if I didn't see my parents every weekend. Stupid really. But as the children arrived it became harder and harder to find the time and the energy and the visits dwindled - although they did have the children once a week which is great. I see my parents once a week for a meal after they've looked after DS#2 but DH doesn't. I think that in the circs your DH should be prepared to visit on his own if he really wants to.

NAB3 · 03/09/2007 16:43

My PIL just expected to come over or us go to them every single weekend once DH and I moved in together and it took quite a while before we decided we would say no. Or else it would be on a Sat to get it over with. Gradually we just said we were busy as you can't say we don't want to see you/we want time on our own.

As it is your ILs I think it is up to your husband to tell them you need more rest at the weekend as this pregnancy is very precious and risky. You can still see them, just doesn't need to be every week or for a long time.

gringottsgoblin · 03/09/2007 16:41

yanbu, i wouldnt want that much contact with anyone! you shouldnt be the one to tell them this, its dh family so his job. how does he feel?

Haylstones · 03/09/2007 16:41

Hi Mrs . I really haven't got any advice but you need to get dh on side and take a BIG step backwards. What is suffocatign now will be ten tiems worse when the baby is born and you really don't need any extra stress on top of having a newborn. Can you ask dh to talk to them?
Are they far away? Could you pop in for a coffee one afternoon at the weekend instead of a meal/stay over?

flowerybeanbag · 03/09/2007 16:41

You are most certainly not BU. You are a saint already.
Do they live really near you or something? My foot would be right down, my inlaws are lovely but every weekend? NOOO!

You need to enlist your DH to sort them out, and comments like 'why aren't you pg' are bang out of order as well.

HappyDaddy · 03/09/2007 16:40

They sound rather suffocating. Does DH feel as suffocated as you? It's not good if you're getting this stressed.

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