To want to not host Christmas

[Earlgrey19]

So, some months ago I made a kind of self-care promise to myself that I would not be hosting Christmas this year. This is because I’ve had a struggle with weekly migraines and also with low mood which can be worsened by relationship tensions, and DH and I never get on well when we host my family for Christmas. I get tense with the responsibility and DH gets annoyed/upset with me. We have two young DC under 5. My mum lives an hour away from us and my sister further from us both, and sister only has a 1 bed flat. My mum and sister want to come to me, as they do every year. I asked Mum if we could go to her for the day, but she has said no because she has an ongoing bad back, and even if we do all the work she will end up doing more than is good for her back if we go to hers. She made it clear to me that her days of hosting Christmas are over, which I think is fair enough. So what to do now? I want my DC to see their Grandma & Aunty, so I guess I just have to suck it up and host? My dream Xmas is not to host and to get to have a walk in the countryside (I live in the city, though my mum lives in the countryside). I know it’s all about compromise though. But I guess I feel it’s never a compromise, it’s always just assumed I will host...

[MinervaSaidThat]

YANBU. Could you all stay with your mum and go out for the Christmas Day meal, so you can have the walk in the countryside and no one has to cook?

Or just say you’re not hosting Christmas but people are welcome to drop in for mince pies and see the dc?

[InDubiousBattle]

What does hosting them consist of op? Do they stay over on Christmas eve and Christmas day? If it's just for the day then can you just keep it as simple as possible and your dh do the lions share?

[Butterflycookie]

Order a takeaway?

[WelshMammaofaSlovak]

YANBU to not want to host but you then can't have it all - if you want everyone together you will have to host because your DM has clearly said that it's too much for her. It seems to me that your expectations are a bit high and you need to decide what it is that you really want and what your priorities are and then build your day around that. You do need to accept that the day that you want is unlikely to pan out anyway. The country walk is always going to be difficult if you live in a city but why not walk in a local park as a compromise or can you drive to the countryside? I would suggest though to try not to get too focused on an imaginary prefect day which you may well find that in reality would not live up to to your expectations anyway - what if it rains on Christmas Day???

[AnybodyWantAChip]

Can you have Xmas day to yourselves and do a low key lunch on boxing Day?

[EKGEMS]

Meet up at a restaurant

[Earlgrey19]

Thanks. Yeah, good point about not being unrealistic, Welshmama. I think as long as DH doesn’t get into a mood I don’t mind much about the rest. I just can’t bear the thought of him being grumpy and withdrawn all day (which is what happens when we host) because I’m trying to clean the house up etc and he finds me tense. Perhaps I’ve just got to let go of the idea of trying to please everyone/having a tidy house etc (my mum has high standards and can make comments) and then I’ll be less tense... I might prepare Mum in advance - because of the kids etc it’ll be very informal and house may not look great... And try to ask DH to be understanding... His family all live abroad and we alternate years, so this year it’s my family.

[shiningstar2]

I think you do need to let go of trying to please everyone. Your mother doesn't want to host ...fair enough, but it is also fair enough that you don't want to host. It shouldn't be compulsory, especially if it ruins the day with your dh and children. Could you compromise in some way? Maybe have Christmas day for your own small family then invite your mother and sister for a buffet in the afternoon of Boxing day. A buffet is far easier than a whole Christmas dinner with all the timings ext with is bound to be stressful if dh is not on board. A buffet next day is much better. If you decide to go down this route you need to be firm op and make this the only offer on the table. Make it a positive invitation and remind your dm that Christmas is more than one day. Hope it works out for you.