ExH expecting me to do everything?

[justanotherlemontree]

I’m feeling rubbish today (headache) so be gentle.

ExH and I have two children together. I work, he doesn’t. By law where we live (non UK) I pay all the children’s expenses.

He’s just messaging me wanting to know what presents I’ve got the children for Christmas so he will know in advance and he will “maybe” buy something else. I texted back “I’m at work” and got the immediate reply “So? When then?” (Ie when will I send the list).

AIBU to think he could have raised it completely differently?

I work all hours to support our children and when I’m not working, I’m racing around trying to sort presents/clothes/daily things that need doing.

I feel utterly rubbish today and I have had no time to myself in months.

He does nothing with his life and contributes nothing financially.

AIBU or would it be normal to expect a message more along the lines of, hey, I haven’t got anything for the children yet? Have you?

I feel so inadequate and hopeless.

[iamkahleesi]

Just tell him that now you're separated it not appropriate to do joint presents so your gifts will be from you only. It's a really bad idea to continue doing joint presents for so many reasons

[Embracelife]

Just say no idea I'm busy.
Either he will ask dc and sort ot or he wont
Worst case they get two of everything
Or they get from you only
Let them know the truth
Oh dear nothing from dad oh well you can ask him when you see him

[Annasgirl]

OP if he doesn't work, why does he see them at weekends? Why can he not have them mid week and you have them at weekends if you are not working then?

Also, you need to put boundaries in place right now, forget about the past, this is what you want from now on - all presents are from you, NEVER share time with him and the DC at Christmas (my Sis found this out the hard way) - it complicates your life as time goes on and it becomes a tradition you cannot get out of.

[Gatehouse77]

Depending on how reasonable he is I would take this as an opportunity to redress the issue.

Presents are not an expense (that I’m aware of but don’t know your specific situation) and either he contributes equally with the finances and the choosing/buying of presents or they’re just from you from now on.

[justanotherlemontree]

@MzHz they see him almost every weekend. Basically he does all the fun stuff and I do all the grunt work.

@Gatehouse77 we split up not long before last Christmas, and I suppose we've not changed anything since then. It was always me buying and paying for the presents, and nothing's changed since then.

I really appreciate all these replies. I'm so disappointed for the children, but as @Morporkia said I'm just setting them up for a fall. I need to get some firm boundaries in place.

[Gatehouse77]

Are these gifts from both of you?
If so, out of curiosity, why is that the case rather than buying your own each?

[MzHz]

Does he actually see them? Does he do anything at all?

I’d be inclined to ignore him completely and entirely.

Not even any of the following replies:

I got them a cardboard cutout of a proper dad, he’s more useful and a better parent than you

I’m getting them exactly what you’ve got them all the past Christmasses... nothing, if it’s good for the goose and all that...

Who dis?

Haven’t had a chance to think about it yet, so let me know what you’ve bought and I’ll make sure I don’t double up laughing

Your ex sounds like mine... the kids rumble these twats in the end! My ex hasn’t shown signs of life since May. We’re not even remotely pining, my ds has pretty much forgotten all about him

The ex hasn’t been in contact cos he knows he owes me money...

[DeathStare]

I'd just say "get whatever you like. If you duplicate with anything I've got for them I'll be happy to return mine".

And don't do joint gifts anymore.

[PurpleCrowbar]

Hi OP.

I'm also outside the UK, so no maintenance.

What works for me is to ignore all this!

If he wants to send an indication of what he's getting them, so you don't duplicate, fine. If you want to do this, fine. If you want to draw up a shared list & 'bag' different items, still fine.

If you don't want to do any of this - & I wouldn't -then just tell him he can get whatever he likes, & you'll do the same.

You don't have to do this dance with him!

If anything is duplicated, no problem. Both sides keep receipts & return them - it's actually to your advantage to be the one who does this, as you can then get replacements toys etc for half the price in the January sales...

[CalmdownJanet]

Just say "The presents I bought are from me only, no need for you to know, you sort yourself out, any duplicates we can sort out after Christmas"

[LasthingIlldo]

Stop the joint presents you do enough and this man needs to step up and do something for his kids all by himself.
A simple "nothing decided yet but I'm sure you could always ask the kids seen as we're buying separately now"
Then honestly rinse and repeat don't waste any of your energy arguing with a lazy man.

[averythinline]

Boundaries,boundaries,boundaries.

Do not reply to him in work time.
I would block when you get to work the unblock at the end of the day.

Do presents really account in children expenses??? I would get advice if I was you....

When u want to reply say you have got your presents to them...

Why are u doing joint presents...

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I honestly don't know why you're covering up his shit-ness to the kids. They will soon learn for themselves what he's like (not sure how old they are...)

[Morporkia]

And I would stop the whole presents are from us... if he doesn’t get them a gift they need to know that. You’re setting them up for a fall in later life if they think he’s great! Because he WILL let them down eventually.

[Justanothernameonthepage]

Stop doing them from both of you. Message back 'I wasn't aware we were doing joint presents again. What budget have you put aside for the joint one? Or do you want to keep it simple and just get presents separately. If you're stuck for ideas, talk to the kids, I haven't planned anything so you can have first pick'

[Morporkia]

for you. Tell him to ask the kids what they want.. why does he expect a list from you?

[recycledbottle]

I'd message him back and say "unless you are going to get them, I am at a complete loss to understand why you need to know". My DH does this. Rather than do something, he actually messages me as a form of reminder of things he feels I should be doing. Its bad enough that I am doing it but the asking/querying when it is going to be done sends me over the edge.

[justanotherlemontree]

BTW no digs at anyone were meant by me saying I’m a “kids first” type. I’m a fucking mug is what I am!

[justanotherlemontree]

Well here’s the thing, we’re European nutters so we do presents on Christmas Eve. He wants to know in advance what’s in the wrapping paper. Because he has no plans to fucking wrap them!

I’m a “kids first” type so I always say that presents are from both of us. Then last kid’s birthday, he showed up with a present that was all from him.

Cock.

[HoomanMoomin]

I wouldn’t tell him in case he’ll say to kids “I bought you something from your list, it’ll be under the tree with the rest of the gifts”.

[OrangeZog]

I’d just reply and say you haven’t bought anything yet and will probably end up doing it last minute but he can feel reassured that you will be getting them presents and if he doubles you with anything, it’s fine as they can have a set at each house.

[justanotherlemontree]

stray he’s lazy. No, he doesn’t have to pay maintenance. I’m in despair really.

Our children are so lovely.

[justanotherlemontree]

True haud.

I should have ignored him but I rose to the bait. I’d already written something along the lines of have a think about what you’re asking me and check your attitude.

I’m just so worn down. I can’t do this any more.

[StrayWoman]

Why doesn't he work? Does he not have to pay any maintenance?

[smalalalalalala]

For me presents are not part of the agreement you have from your divorce. It's an extra and what you choose to offer to your children is not his, or his business.

If he wants to buy something to the children that's his business and unrelated to what you're buying.