In-laws coming for 6 days after Xmas. Again.

[MaryEli]

Apologies that this is so long. I need to vent.

OH is from another European country and we see his parents, who live in his home country, 5 or 6 times a year, including staying with them for a week or two in the summer. They are in their late 60s/early 70s. We have a 3-year-old DC. We lived with PIL from when DC was 9 to 20 months old, so they got to spend a great deal of time with DC and they developed a special bond which I am pleased about.

Before I met him, OH was actually estranged from his DP for around 15 years. This will be the sixth consecutive year that they have spent time with their son over the Xmas period after he resumed contact with them.

My DP live in the same town as us and we see them once or twice a month, but not normally for very long. Last year we did not see them at all over Christmas. DF has been diagnosed with a long-term illness and this year we have decided to invite my parents for Xmas Day, along with my grandmother, who is 97. They are really touched we have asked them and I want to make it special for them.

OH is very in demand by his employer throughout November and December (working 7-day weeks) and does not currently know which days he can get off over Xmas other than the bank holidays. Because of the nature of OH’s job, I run the home and do pretty much all of the admin and childcare when DC is not at nursery. I also work full time. I do not have a weekend and am always shattered, but particularly so at the end of the year. I have been working from home for the past few months and managing household stuff during breaks but will be starting a new full-time office job at the start of December and will no doubt be more tired than usual.

Last year, OH’s parents came to stay with us from 27 Dec to 2 Jan, leaving on the morning I went back to work. We lived in a very small flat not much bigger than a studio with one main living area /kitchen, where PIL slept. It was very cramped and after 6 days I had more than had enough of us all being piled up like sardines. DP afterwards reassured me that we would put our foot down next time and not have them to stay for so long. Claiming that MIL gets ill every time she flies because she came down with a really nasty cold once, they had insisted on driving to see us (it’s several hundred km so more than a day each way) and taking the ferry.

I am off work for the days between Xmas and New Year because DC’s nursery will be closed. I would relish the chance of a bit of rest (as much as is possible with a 3-year-old in tow) between Xmas and and going back to work, but lo and behold OH has informed me that PIL are once again coming to stay with us from 27 Dec to 2 Jan (i.e. 6 nights and 6 full days), leaving once again on the morning I return to work.

To arrange this, OH and his parents have had discussions on the phone, always when OH is not home so I am not privy to what has been said. Just like last year, it has transpired that they will be driving and taking the ferry. I am totally convinced that they do this in order to stay for longer, because they need time to get over the journey and it would be too much to head back after 3 days. They need help with the internet so OH books their travel for them, which means he does have an element of control, but in spite of this he always ends up agreeing to the dates that suit PIL. They are not retired and return to work on 4 Jan so basically come to us for all of the spare time they have. They would come on Boxing Day if we let them but we have at least managed to convince them that we need our space then.

Last year we were in the same situation, both in full-time jobs. We went to my grandmother’s from Xmas Eve to Boxing Day and returned home on 27 Dec late morning. PIL were due that evening but showed up during the afternoon because they’d managed to get an earlier ferry, even though OH had been quite clear with them that we would not be ready to welcome them (unpacking, doing laundry, getting flat ready etc) before the evening. OH told them they weren’t being reasonable and they told us that they hadn't considered it from our point of view.

What makes me feel guilty at being annoyed is that PIL are lovely to us when we stay with them, feed us lovely home-grown food and let us relax. They have a large house with 2 spare rooms, so we can all spend time together without getting on top of each other, and the weather is always good so we spend a lot of time outdoors. When they come to us, PIL are not difficult guests other than FIL having a few little irritating habits (e.g. leaving toilet seat up) that are easy enough to ignore most of the time.

Last year PIL were so tired from the journey that they just sat on the sofa for 2 days, not interacting with DC not doing anything to help me. I found it hard to keep them entertained. OH was only able to have a couple of days off out of the 6 that his parents were here. This year he says he will try and take more time off, but it is pretty likely that he will have to cancel the days off and go in. I don’t drive, so we cannot go very far afield if OH is not around, and PIL do not speak any English at all, so are completely dependent on me to interpret for them whenever we do go anywhere.

I also currently have to interpret what DC says for PIL as DC does understand their language but does not speak it in full sentences yet. FIL largely ignores my efforts and makes little effort to try and grasp any words at all in English. He also likes to spend a lot of time comparing culture in the UK with his own culture, which starts to grate after a couple of days as he says the same stuff every time they visit.

Although we now live in a larger flat, we do not have a spare room. PIL will be sleeping in the small dining room/playroom on an inflatable bed that will have to be shoved out of the way every morning so we can have breakfast. PIL live in a very rural area with a large garden and have chickens, goats etc. As a result they are constantly in and out of their house. But when they are with us they end up cooped up indoors unless I suggest something and pretty much push them out the door, even though they have visited our town several times now.

I think it really bothers me that I have adapted to their culture and that they have not really adapted to mine.

I have just had an argument with OH because once again I wasn’t given a say in the dates that he’s agreed with his DP. He says that I did agree, and that I agreed last year as well. But there is no way I would ever have accepted such a long stay, not when I’m the one that has to do all the entertaining / organising. He just informs me which dates have been chosen, which is definitely not the same as asking me what I think and taking my preferences into consideration. He never normally behaves like this.

OH admitted last night that he hasn’t actually booked the travel yet, so I asked him to consider booking flights instead of a ferry and for a shorter period such as from 29 Dec to 2 Jan, and to just inform his DP that that is what suits us best. It would make more sense because PIL would be much less tired and much less bored, and we might all appreciate the time we have together more. Not to mention we wouldn’t have to find somewhere for them to leave their car (we live in an area with very restricted parking). It would also mean OH was keeping his promise of making things less difficult for me this year.

OH has said that not living in the same country as PIL justifies the length of the visit. I get that Xmas is important to them, but it doesn’t make sense to me that they would come for such a long time when their son is not around to spend time with them (he will have a lot more availability from January onwards) and the days are so short and dark.

I have told him I have nothing against seeing them. I just find 6 days is too much and I am really annoyed that I don’t get a say in it. I have told him I would be happy for PIL to come and stay more often for long weekends during the year.

I am dreading having to entertain PIL, meal plan, prepare food, do extra washing up etc for 6 whole days when I could be taking it a bit more easy. But more importantly than that I am particularly worried about managing PIL’s expectations, as OH has confessed to me that unlike my parents they expect to see us every year at Xmas. It certainly already feels like a pattern has been established.

Thank you if you've read this far.

AIBU to be pissed off that my wishes are being ignored or am I just making a big bah humbug fuss about nothing?

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

I think some people are missing the fact that the OP doesn't dislike the inlaws. The OP dislikes the inlaws deciding that they will visit for 6 days after Christmas and informing OP that this is what is happening. Not opening a discussion to find out if that suits, not checking with the OP's DH before making this announcement. Treating it as a done deal and then if the OP & DH put up any sort of resistance to this, then the inlaws get all snooty and snotty about it.

All would be sorted if the inlaws checked first, asked first along the lines of "We're thinking of visiting you between Christmas and New Year, does that suit you? Would that be ok?" instead they are getting "We're coming to you from X date to Y date!" and there doesn't seem to be any conversation at all.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH and come to an agreement of what is suitable for the pair of you and just as PiL seem to present things to you as a done deal, you do that right back to them. "We can't have you to stay between X date and Y date but we can have you to stay between M date and N date instead. Do you want to book that? The alternative is that we postpone your visit until the middle/end January (or pick a date in 2020 that you can do) and that's all we can do at the moment".
Present it to them as a done deal. You (as in you, your DH and your own family) have a life too.

Good luck!

[runninguphills]

I think it's lovely that they want to see you.

Can you not suggest that as its so difficult for them to fly to see you and that the flat is so tiny - you'll fly to stay with them.

You can then relax at theirs with all that lovely home cooked food and they can entertain dc!

[JoObrien7]

OP I am staying at my daughters for Christmas and her husband is quite happy for us to stay but if I thought he didn't want us there I would not go. You need to put your foot down and tell him how this will ruin your Christmas and you don't want them to stay every year.

[Palaver1]

OP what a good outcome could I say.
That you do not have a chat with them to say they can’t come every year .
If you don’t want them coming.
It should be the son who should do this.
Remember you aren’t against them coming it’s the amount of time they want to spend you need a rest as well.
They might actually enjoy staying at a hotel air band b as a treat if it’s put in the right way maybe a day or two with you and some time away.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I think the problem is that he can't face up to the fact that he's letting his DP manipulate him."
So rather than deal with it, he passes the pain to you? Not nice.

When dealing with them, I think you have to start from the point that they are manipulative. This is established fact, he was estranged from them for 15 years because of it. So don't be manipulated. They do not get to dictate when they come - it has to be at a time that suits the hosts. They donot get to dictate where they stay - if you send them to the Travelodge/AirB&B, that's where they go. Give no inch and they'll take no mile.

[VeryGenuinequestions]

Op that's very key and interesting how you identified that they don't actually ask.

It's this sense of entitlement that is hard to stand up too, it's hard to speak to people when they speak at you and talk like managers talking to in subordinates.

I suspect your poor dh has been spoken to like this, in this way his whole life. It's not a way of speaking that invites an answer.

Unless anyone has experienced it, it's hard to understand. But op, with you putting your foot down, and hopefully starting to stand up to them it will get easier. They may not realise they are doing it.

But that doesn't mean you have to put up with it or have your lives damaged by it.
Asking questions that you mean, ie your ok hearing no.... Will go a long way in any adult parent adult child relationships.

[Considermesometimes]

Good for you!!

You have a plan now stick to it. When they come back over, he needs to do their beds, and cook and make them welcome. Do not take time off in Jan/Feb just to do this, you need to rest and relax.

I am twenty years down the line from you, save yourself a lot of stress by reducing what you do now, and keep reducing and sharing the load. It is not on that his job somehow becomes more demanding than yours, and therefore he escapes the domestic responsibility. During his quieter periods he should be really stepping up op and more.

His parents need to stop announcing and start asking. Your oh needs to make it clear that you are both working ft with a small child, and as much as you all love them life is hard enough, they will either fit in and come and help or they won't. Either way you are not being pushed to your limit. You will get older, you will get more tired, you may even have more children or health problems. Set up a life that allows you to decide what works, and remember there is nothing wrong with being assertive about your time and energy levels. It is not on them if you have a burn out is it. You have so done the right thing.

[sunflowerfield]

If the situation was other way around, would you feel the same?
My parents came over from my country, and stayed longer than 6 days, for few years every year after I got married, and sometimes I was away for my work, and dh took care of them. But we also visited my country and stayed with my parents, so think it was even.
If the space is too limited, suggesting a hotel or b&b etc might be the good option. And I think if your dh is ok with it, you shouldn't stress about entertaining them, dh should sort out the plans when he's at work. If there is no mutual agreement, you should do what you want to do too. Maybe go stay with your parents while they are at yours some days, so they can spent some time on their own, and you with yours?

[Antigon]

*behaviour is reasonable, that should be

[Antigon]

To those saying he's gaslighting me, I think the problem is that he can't face up to the fact that he's letting his DP manipulate him.

But that doesn’t explain why he is choosing to gaslight you.

There are a lot of threads there the woman has felt like her partner’s behaviour is unreasonable because of childhood neglect or current parental manipulation, but it’s not. He is a grown man who needs to take responsibility for his actions.

[BouquetOfRoses]

Well done OP! Make sure DH follows through when it comes to speaking to PIL & booking the travel

[longtimelurkerhelen]

@MaryEli

[MaryEli]

@longtimelurkerhelen You've cracked it!

[longtimelurkerhelen]

@MaryEli

Is your OH Santa Claus???????

[billy1966]

Good for you OP. This is your life. We teach people how to treat us. It is that simple.

I also love the saying "treat me badly once, shame on you, treat me badly twice, shame on me".

I would repeat this conversation again with your husband.

Telling him that although HE may be working hard, you are infact doing 3 jobs.

1 is working full-time.
2 is organising and caring for ye're child.
3 is keeping house and everything
connected to it going.

You are a busy woman juggling a lot and he needs to get it.

Tell him, you will NOT be manipulated by his parents and you will NOT be dismissed and told you have agreed to something you haven't.

Repeating this tells him you mean business, he is with with you or against you.

Good healthy marriages have boundaries, which both parties respect.

Best of luck💐

[MaryEli]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I appreciate all your opinions. This is my first time posting and I did not expect that anyone would read such a ridiculously long post, let alone make me feel so supported. to you all, and extra to those going through similar or worse.

So OH got home at 1-2 am I think, after dropping his colleague home. I don't want to give too much away but they work in an industry where things are totally crazy at this time of year and he is honestly not avoiding coming home. He misses me and the DC. He gets sent all over the place at all times of the day. He is glad to be able to work extra because we do need the money and that's why I've been putting up with it. Things will hopefully get better as he now has an assistant.

We didn't talk last night although I wasn't asleep as had been up dealing with sick child, but this morning I asked him if he'd booked the travel. He hasn't. I told him that his parents are thinking of themselves, not us. He didn't like that but I reminded him they did precisely the same thing last year and then told us that they hadn't considered our point of view. I asked him to make it clear that things are different now I'll be working outside the home and what with his work commitments 6 days is too much.

So he is going to look into flights again for a 3 day stay over new year, although prices are rising and they don't have a massive budget. He will also suggest to them that they come again for a long weekend in Jan or Feb when OH will no longer be working weekends and I can take a day or 2 off work. I told him not to book anything without running it by me first.

To those saying he's gaslighting me, I think the problem is that he can't face up to the fact that he's letting his DP manipulate him. They arent saying "Is it ok if we arrive/leave on these dates?", they're saying "So we think we'll come from then to then because that's when we're free", and he's not putting up any resistance and is then telling me "So it looks like they're coming from then to then" and not giving me a say.

He did say that they see it as a holiday and I told him that it isn't convenient for us that they take their holiday at that time. When we go and stay with them it's during their 6 week summer break. It's not the same at all.

I totally agree that they must really be desperate to see us to want to do that journey at their age and DC will be delighted to see them, but if the 6 day visit stands then I will either go into work or make it clear to them that I'll be having a massive lie-in every morning and that they will be in charge of DC whether they can understand what he's saying to them or not. And yes, I will make sure OH will be involved in preparation and organisation as much as possible.

I will also have a chat with them when they're here to explain that we do not intend to have them to stay every Xmas and that they'll just have to get used to the idea.

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

YANBU it made me a bit angry reading this! I am in the same position with in laws from another country and my husband always discussed with me before anything is booked.
In your case, he isn't acknowledging that you do everything at home, need a break and instead of appreciating that you are basically holding everything together so he can have his career, he is adding to your workload and stress...every single bloody year. I think you're being understanding that they are visiting at all at xmas every year rather than every other year.
If he hasn't booked then I think you need to make him understand how much you need a break. What would happen if you got so run down you got ill or stressed? How would he cope doing everything? His parents coming for all that time might be your breaking point. He needs to book for a shorter time and commit to being off work (otherwise rebook for the summer when he can take time off work)

[MulticolourMophead]

Forget the 2 week visit. OP said they see PIL 5 or 6 times a year, including the 2 weeks, so it's not like they only see OP and family at Xmas only.

It's also the case that OH was estranged from them for 15 years, due to their manipulative behaviour.

I think that behaviour is showing up again, if they're likely to kick off about staying in a Travelodge.

This is a very busy time of year for OP's OH, leaving OP run ragged and needing a break. What OH is proposing means OP gets no break at all and effectively dumps everything onto her.

Not acceptable IMO.

OP, I'd put your foot down now. Either 3 days with flights and he takes time off, or no visit at all.

[jazzandh]

I'd get them over for Christmas itself and throw them into the mix with your family. Whilst you are making an effort - go large!! Get it all over and done with. They can stay in a local hotel / Airbnb but would be mainly at yours during the day.

Then they can travel back home just after Christmas and you get time to relax.

[HappySonHappyMum]

You know where your husband has booked time off but will probably end up working - well that might have to happen to you as well...

[Antigon]

@NoNoOk

They know that Nov and Dec are busy months for their son and he is unlikely to be able to spend time with them.

Therefore they should visit between Feb-Oct. It’s as simple as that.

Why don’t you have a heart and look at the fact that OP’s husband is gaslighting her by telling her that she agreed to PIL’s both this year and last year?

And they’re only late sixties, they could live another 20 years at least!!

[NoNoOk]

OP, I hear you but just for a moment put yourself in PIL's shoes. They must be desperate to see you, doing such an arduous journey at their age and being exhausted from it for two days. I'm sure they would much prefer that you visit them in their big house and space but they probably think they are doing the right thing in coming to you with your child.

Your PIL won't be around forever and they will be aware of this now. They will also be aware that they won't be able to make that journey for much longer and that will be the end of xmas with their son and DGC for them so they are fitting it in now. There aren't many people in their 70s can drive for 12 hours straight.

You say they're lovely really and you say they adore your GC. Have a heart, it's xmas and they're just showing their love for their family.

In terms if your DH, he is in charge of all meal planning, all cooking and all food shopping for the entire period, working or not. Be explicit with PIL in how they could help you, have a think in advance.

I know I'm going against the grain here, but I think it's worth pretending you are MIL for a moment. She loves DH and DGC as much as you love your DC. That's what keeps me on track with my in laws!

[billy1966]

OP, that sounds awful as does your husband.

I would go mad if someone told me that I agreed to something that I knew bloody well I hadn't and was going to put me out so much.

Be very careful of this as it's a really nasty thing to do.

As others have said, you either kick up a big fuss and put manners on your husband or you accept this.

If he goes ahead and does this, I would remove myself from the home and let your husband know that he has very seriously damaged your relationship.

Often in relationships when huge boundaries are crossed it's because small things have been ignored.

Don't ignore this OP.

The issue is larger than you think.

Wishing you well.

You appear to be doing it all on your own.
💐

[LannieDuck]

Also, does DH really, honestly, need to word as long hours as he does?

I've rarely known a job where that's actually required, unless he's self-employed? Normally it's men choosing to avoid their responsibilities at home, or wanting to feel in demand and important.

[LannieDuck]

Your DH needs to set more reasonable boundaries with his work. It's not reasonable for work to expect him to be on call 7 days a week (unless he gets paid amazingly for it?), and for his holiday to be effectively 'on call' as well.

I would be saying that you're going to have 28th Dec - 2nd Jan 'off' as your holiday, because you need some time to relax after working FT, doing all the childcare and all the housework. DH needs to take time off then to look after the children, and you won't be entertaining anyone during that time. If guests do arrive, you'll go to stay with your parents for a few days.