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AIBU?

To let my child cry himself to sleep over his own bad behaviour?

46 replies

theoldmanfromup · 13/10/2019 21:27

DS is 12. He has a history of causing damage to property when he's in the middle of an angry meltdown (ADHD). I have just spotted a hole in his bathroom door, looks like he's kicked it in a temper. It's not been done today, but I noticed it for the first time tonight.

I asked him about it, he denied all knowledge. There is only me and him that live here, it wasn't me. So he is obviously lying.

He's now in his room crying himself to sleep. I'm furious with him and will be docking his pocket money to replace the door. In the meantime, AIBU to let him cry himself to sleep?! I'm actually just as cross about the lie as I am about the door.

OP posts:

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EugenesAxe · 13/10/2019 23:35

FGS I'm sure OP doesn't have a "heart of stone" hmm. She's solely responsible for a pre-teen with ADHD who has violent meltdowns. She's probably exhausted physically and emotionally.

Thank you Pigeon; I totally agree.

DonKeyshot - OP has come on here to check; to me that betrays that she's actually feeling quite upset and unsettled about it all. I think your comment is bloody harsh TBH.

OP I think you should follow the advice of others here. You could say that although you've got cross about his behaviour, you still love him and don't want him to get this upset over it. Tell him to put it behind him and focus on controlling things in the future.

WagtailRobin · 13/10/2019 23:41

Punish him for his behaviour by all means, ie; deducting his pocket money but do not remove your affection.

He's your child, he's 12 and is crying, you should go comfort him. I wouldn't mention the incident, I would simply kiss him goodnight and remind him you love him.

Deal with his behaviour tomorrow!

Ceebs85 · 13/10/2019 23:44

Kiss him goodnight and tell him you love him. He needs to feel secure and loved when he so often feels out of control.

You've had some harsh responses that you don't deserve OP, hope you're both getting the support you need

StoppinBy · 14/10/2019 00:08

I would actually go in there and tell him that you love him, that you are sorry that he feels upset but that he did the wrong thing.

I would then ask him how he thinks that the two of you can fix it together, that you understand he likely didn't mean to do the damage but that his actions resulted in said damage and now it will need to be fixed.

I would steer the conversation towards the two of you getting plaster/filler/joining tape etc from the hardware and fixing it together.

I would offer to pay half of the cost this time but make it clear that should there be a second time he will be solely responsible for the cost.

If you are not up for DIY then I would suggest that he helps you find a tradie to fix the damage and that again he is to pay half.

Your child will struggle to control his impulses at times and it's important for him to learn the consequences but it is just as important that he knows that you are in this with him.

P.S I am betting that you do not have a heart of stone but are at a loss as to how to improve things. If you haven't already maybe look in to some parenting classes for difficult children.

Creepster · 14/10/2019 00:10

Yes you are being unreasonable.
When these things happen you have an opportunity to teach a child that they can trust you with the truth.

StoppinBy · 14/10/2019 00:14

@Grumpyhoomain

Do you have a child with ADHD or know much about them?

Lying is often a very big part of the condition. Children with ADHD live with constant negative feedback, they do things that they don't mean quite often and then lie because they are so ashamed of their behaviour/inability to do school work etc and generally not because they are avoiding the consequences.

Not sure how you think that letting the child feel completely alone will cure him of lying?

SprinkleDash · 14/10/2019 00:18

I would! He’s 12, not 4. He’s old enough to know right from wrong and to own up to his mistakes. I wouldn’t just dock his pocket money I’d stop it completely until the door was paid for and repaired.

summersherewishiwasnt · 14/10/2019 00:20

No don’t do that.
Only issue one punishment, he pays for the door ... extra jobs whatever.
Leaving him to cry himself to sleep is not going to teach him anything but that you ignore him when he needs you. I’m not making excuses, at all, but you say you didn’t notice, he says he didn’t do it. Is it possible he actually can’t remember??

DonKeyshot · 14/10/2019 00:26

I'm cognisant of the fact that incidents such as this can give rise to long lasting regrets, Eugenes.

My great grandmother told me her youngest dd, 6yo at the time, was 'playing up' and being a ''right little madam' before school one morning.

Part of the school uniform was a straw hat with elastic under the chin. As her dd set off for school, hat firmly in place, my frustrated dggm 'pinged' the elastic to show how annoyed she was.

That day her little dd was taken ill at school and spent the next four weeks quarantined in hospital as she'd contracted diptheria.

My dggm never forgave herself for allowing her anger to prevent her from giving her dd a customary kiss before she set off for school and it was four very long weeks before dggm could hold her child again.

I could never leave a child to cry itself to sleep, fail to say goodbye in an affectionate manner, or part on less than loving terms. If I was in the OP's shoes the last place I'd be would be on this board as I'd make it my business to calm my child, tell them that the matter has been dealt with, tomorrow's another day and, while I might not always approve of what they do, I'll never stop loving them..

Anything less is, imo, callous indifference if not cruelty and it can leave a long lasting scar on a child's psyche.

Tavannach · 14/10/2019 00:43

Be kind.
He learns from you and it's how you want him to behave. Don't let him feel bad about himself. Explain why you're upset and that you will be taking money from his pocket money, but you don't think he's a bad person and he can do better in future.

GreenyEye · 14/10/2019 00:50

its hard, when you have a child with extra needs and behavioural problems.. but, those are the kids that especially need to know we love them.

I never let my son cry himself to sleep, however angry I am.. I always go in, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him that however upset I am at what he did, I will ALWAYS love him.

He needs to know what he did isn't ok, because it isnt, and there are consequences, but he also needs to know you're there for him when he needs you, and right now, when he's upset and crying, he needs you.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/10/2019 00:59

I wouldn't do that personally. Even if very cross I would still respond to a child's distress by reassuring them they are safe and loved.

INeedToGetHealthy · 14/10/2019 01:08

@theoldmanfromup I hope that things have settled down a bit for you and your DS now. I have sons with ASD and ADHD and I know how frustrating the compulsive lying can get. Expect that it is too late now and that your DS has gone to sleep. Explain to him in the morning that you dislike what he has done and that he couldn't tell you the truth (not say the word lying) but you will always love him and will be there for him if he needs you.
I don't cast any judgement on you as I know how difficult things can get.

NC4Now · 14/10/2019 01:22

What do you think will happen if you go in kindly OP?
One of my boys needs to come to me when he's messed up. If I try and calm it before he's ready it flares up again, but let him sleep on it and he comes round.
He was a door wrecker too at 12/13.

Just check though - it's one thing hitting and kicking a door and breaking it and another opening it too fast and it crashing into a piece of furniture. I had to repair both but one was deliberate violence and the other was accidental.

I guess the question isn't 'did you break the door' but 'how did you break the door?'

You know your boy best. Be there for him when he's ready to make peace.

puppyconfetti · 14/10/2019 01:27

@SprinkleDash

I would! He’s 12, not 4.

Really? I'm over 40 and would hate to be in a situation where I cried myself to sleep.

What's your cut off point? 5? 6? 7?

OneHanded · 14/10/2019 01:31

Is he crying over his own bad behaviour or your reaction? From experience of my own toxic mother it was always the latter, not that she will ever admit being anything but the perfect person. Otherwise go for it.

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 14/10/2019 04:11

He's 12 not 2 leave him to it. I have ADHD and it doesn't mean we get a free pass. Because of the poor impulse control it's more important to enforce appropriate behavior.

DarrellMakepeace · 14/10/2019 05:48

Please never leave a child with ADHD to cry themselves to sleep. At 12 he's about the enter a world of criticism and being made to feel that he's not good enough. Your love and support will be essential to him.

Crying yourself to sleep is laying down habits that lead to depression and anxiety.

HaileySherman · 14/10/2019 07:07

I think you'll feel better (as will he) if you just go give a hug and a reassurance that you love him. If he's awake/wants to talk you can say you're unhappy about it, that actions have consequences, but everything is going to be ok. I know even if I were angry, I'd regret allowing us to go to bed on bad terms.

Absoluteunit · 14/10/2019 07:18

How did you get on OP?

I think I would try to separate your son with the behaviour. You can comfort him to reassure him that you still love him without condoning the behaviour

Grumpymcgrumperson · 14/10/2019 08:17

I wouldn’t be able to do this to my child, especially if they had ADHD. Really sad.

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