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AIBU?

FIL visiting unannounced

60 replies

LLOE7 · 16/04/2019 09:47

Hello,
It was my grandads funeral yesterday and a very long day- had to travel two hours each way with a 6m old who hates being in the car so screamed most of the time, and funerals are obviously extremely hard and emotional. I got home at 6pm. 7.30pm my dh was about to take ds 3yrs up to bed when suddenly fil stops his car outside. I was sat in just a tiny nightie and knickers so rushed into the kitchen to put some trousers on, then went back into the lounge to get the baby and change her. My frustration at him turning up without us knowing he was coming and while I was so emotional- the house was also a mess etc, really pissed me off and I didn't say a word to him for a few minutes, just sorted out the baby. I then snapped out of it and chatted, he mentioned the funeral so he had known it was that day. He stayed playing with ds until 9pm so when he left we were all tired and ds was worked up so found it hard to go to sleep. The reason he came over was to bring dh birthday card over- his birthday was last Tuesday but he had forgotten.
I would like to politely ask him not to come round unannounced but dh thinks I'm just over reacting because of the circumstances yesterday. WIBU to ask for some notice?

OP posts:

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Alsohuman · 16/04/2019 17:37

Some over reactions here. Why on earth wouldn’t your Fil pop in? As a pp said if my husband had behaved like this with my parents, he’d be getting cold shoulder and sharp tongue.

Nicknacky · 16/04/2019 17:29

He’s a member of my family. He comes round, makes his own coffee, chats to me when I’m in my jammies and he knows he can chill out and change the channel on the tv.

Hearhere · 16/04/2019 16:53

if your father is not a guest, and not a member of your household then what is he?

Nicknacky · 16/04/2019 16:31

I don’t consider my dad a guest, maybe that’s the difference.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 16/04/2019 15:23

If any of my family want to come over I check with dh that he's not busy, happy to have guests,and vice versa. It's just polite?

NoSauce · 16/04/2019 13:18

MsRabbitRocks Two totally different issues here.

Singlenotsingle · 16/04/2019 13:17

You have to treat both sides of the family the same. If your parents are allowed to visit unexpectedly, then so should the in laws. And as for the "always come down hard" comment, what happens if DH "comes down hard" on OP's df?

GPatz · 16/04/2019 13:03

Family's doing things differently is really nothing to get worked up about

MsRabbitRocks · 16/04/2019 12:59

To those saying the OP is being unreasonable because family should always be welcome, family should also remember birthdays (especially when it is your own son’s birthday) and be mindful of the fact that a funeral has just taken place. The FiL is being unreasonable too.

NoSauce · 16/04/2019 12:21

It’s not a regular thing, the OP has said she’s over thinking it, it’s not a big deal.
Some people must live their lives looking for stuff to get annoyed at going off some of the responses on this thread.

Nicknacky · 16/04/2019 12:21

FFS. Honestly, the rubbish posters come out with.

Hearhere · 16/04/2019 12:17

He knows that you would have had a very difficult stressful upsetting day, it seems a weird and intrusive to turn up at such a private time
it's as if he wants to muscle in on your intimate family unit

Jon65 · 16/04/2019 12:02

It sounds as though he might have been trying to give some support, if he knew the day of the funeral was that day.

Nicknacky · 16/04/2019 12:01

Well, they can’t both get their way! So that’s why there has to be give or take.

Not to mention the op says it is not a regular issue.

GPatz · 16/04/2019 12:00

But it's okay for OP to be overruled by DH's wishes?

Nicknacky · 16/04/2019 11:59

Because like you say, it’s both their houses. Partners need to let and let live if they can’t agree on whether family should text in advance. One doesn’t over rule the other.

GPatz · 16/04/2019 11:58

Same with my DM. If she calls to pop over, I let DH know.

GPatz · 16/04/2019 11:57

Well, what's so wrong with that? My PIL's call my DH to say they are popping over and my DH shouts out to let me know. Pretty basic stuff.

Nicknacky · 16/04/2019 11:51

And I’m in no doubt If the ops’s father in law texts in advance her h will be expected to ask her if it’s convenient ......l

GPatz · 16/04/2019 11:45

DH might be fine with family just popping over, however, he shares the house, it is not his house only and he is not the only occupant. OP is not banning DH's family from visiting, just asking for some small consideration by asking that the visitor first contacts to see if it is convenient to do so. It's not a massive hardship to do such a simple thing.

Nicknacky · 16/04/2019 11:43

The op says it’s not a regular occurrence and is only occasionally

HelenUrth · 16/04/2019 11:42

It seems to be a bit of a habit, and as it is working for him he won't change.

But if a few times when he calls by and you "are not in a position to entertain, such a pity you didn't let us know you were thinking of coming over", then he might start telling you before turning up.

It might be worth saying something along the lines of "FIL, it's always lovely to see you, but with a small baby and stuff in our lives, it's not always convenient, so we'd really appreciate if you could let us know in advance".

I'd similar with my (very difficult) mother, she lives a couple of hours away, and would arrive on my doorstep unannounced. When I tried to explain it didn't always suit, e.g. house not always tidy etc., she would say she didn't mind - it didn't matter that I minded! Hopefully your FIL isn't of this mindset and will change his behaviour if you can describe how it affects you.

Yabbers · 16/04/2019 11:40

It's inconsiderate.

Only if they know it’s inconvenient and do it anyway. Before I had a toddler, it wouldn’t have occurred to me not to do it. FIL will be a long way past having toddlers and maybe when he did, things were different.

Yabbers · 16/04/2019 11:38

What annoys me in situations like this is when people think that because someone has stopped by and that's okay, everything else must stop. I'd have no problem with a family member stopping by under these conditions, but I absolutely would not feel the need to change my routine as a result
I’m confused by it too. If someone pops round and you are busy and can’t stop, then you tell them that. Or if it’s kids bedtime, dinner time etc. FIL’s visit was only a problem because OP dropped everything to entertain. The fact nobody slept because 3 year old was up late isn’t FIL’s fault.

You don’t need to be rude about it, just be matter of fact. Only a CF would be upset by it and that’s their problem.

BlingLoving · 16/04/2019 11:30

What annoys me in situations like this is when people think that because someone has stopped by and that's okay, everything else must stop. I'd have no problem with a family member stopping by under these conditions, but I absolutely would not feel the need to change my routine as a result. So if DS was supposed to be in bed at 7:30, I'd greet FIL with a cheery hello, tell him DS was about to go to bed so say he could have a little cuddle but then you'd leave him and DH to chat. Similarly, if I'd just been to a funeral, I'd be fine saying to FIL that I was feeling a bit raw and taking myself up to bed early. And I'd 100% expect DH to back me up accordingly.

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