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AIBU?

To not take his money?

34 replies

GirlOnIt · 18/03/2019 15:05

My useless father has been in touch, haven't seen or heard from him in over a year. He's obviously got a wave of guilt or something, but apparently he's sold a business and he wants to give me some money towards my wedding and for the baby (his grandson he's never met).
I know this from him messaging Dp on Facebook because he's blocked on mine.

Dp thinks I'm being silly and he owes me so take it. But I feel he'll think he's somehow forgiven and made up for the past if I do.

He never paid maintenance, contact was sporadic at best. He's a crap dad.

I considered taking it and giving it to my mum, as back pay for ever he owes. But she's says she doesn't want his money.

I don't know, am I silly not to take it and just save it for my Ds?

OP posts:

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SuziQ10 · 19/03/2019 17:41

Not worth it unless it's loads (thousands). And even then, only accept under the condition that he never asks for this back or expects anything from you, ever. Make it clear it does not change your opinion of him.

GirlOnIt · 19/03/2019 16:03

That's the same as me @BitchQueen90. I'm my mums only one so class myself as a only child. I'd see my siblings sometimes at my grandparents, but not regularly. Other than one brother the others are a far bit younger too.

I've never really though to go NC. He's never been bad when I have seen him, he's just not reliable and talks a load of bullshit.
Since my own Ds though I just can't understand it/him. And the bit of patience I always had because he's my dad and I have done fun memories of him, that's completely gone now.

OP posts:

KC225 · 19/03/2019 15:21

God for you OP. Love the give it to the kids who still need maintenance. You cannot be bought or charmed.

OpportunityKnocks · 19/03/2019 15:16

Well done OP. Great message you sent him! Hold your head up high.

BitchQueen90 · 19/03/2019 15:05

@GirlOnIt I chat to one sister on Facebook occasionally but I didn't have a relationship with any of them growing up as going NC with my dad meant I stopped seeing them when I was 11 (only ever saw them once a month before that anyway and I wasn't close with them). I've never met my youngest sister, I only know of her situation through sister who I talk to on Facebook. She stayed in contact with our dad until adulthood but she has also been NC with him now for several years.

I think about them sometimes and feel sad that I never got a chance to have a relationship with them but I don't regret going NC. I have no brothers or sisters on my mum's side and so I think of myself as an only child.

GirlOnIt · 19/03/2019 14:08

Do you see your siblings at all @BitchQueen90? Or think of them as such?

My Dp doesn't really get that I don't think of them as brothers/sisters. Not that I don't care about them, I do. But it's not like it is for Dp with his brother.

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BitchQueen90 · 19/03/2019 08:58

Yep sounds like my dad @GirlOnIt 5 kids by 4 different women none of which have much to do with him. I'm the oldest child and his youngest is in care, poor kid.

The thing is if you accept the money you can bet he will think he's a great dad all of a sudden and go round telling people what a nice thing he's done.

GirlOnIt · 19/03/2019 08:01

Probably isn't even any money @BitchQueen90. Will be like the birthday presents I never got or if there is money it's probably from some dodgy means.

He'll be single and wanting to feel loved so reaches out to one of his kids. His ex's have probably all already told him to 'get fucked'!

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GirlOnIt · 19/03/2019 07:53

Blocked him and told Dp to do the same. Dp falls for him though, he's like maybe he's generally sorry though and he's your dad.
Is parents are lovely and perfect and Dp doesn't fully understand what it's like. He can't grasp that a parent wouldn't do something for there child's benefit without good reason.
He's selfish and no one is more important to him than himself! That's all there is to my father.

OP posts:

BitchQueen90 · 19/03/2019 07:53

I haven't seen my dad since childhood and I would never take money from him as an adult so I understand OP.

GirlOnIt · 19/03/2019 07:48

I gave in and messaged him last night, just to ask if he was going to be as generous with the others. He said it's just for me as I'm his first and most important one (yep, this is the crap he comes out with). Got the he's so sorry things didn't work out with my mum, that he's always wished he'd been there for me (not being with my mum obviously stopped him having any real involvement with his child).

Anyway, told him I don't want his money and he should use it to pay maintenance to his kids that still need it.

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 18/03/2019 21:29

Take the money and use it as you wish. Then carry on as normal. He can't make conditions you haven't agreed to.

GirlOnIt · 18/03/2019 17:55

Hadn't

OP posts:

GirlOnIt · 18/03/2019 17:52

We haven't done invites or anything yet @LizzieMacQueen. So hasn't fully decided, probably not though. But I didn't even know where he was if I'd wanted to invite him up until now.

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LizzieMacQueen · 18/03/2019 16:54

So you weren't previously going to invite him to your wedding, or were you?

GirlOnIt · 18/03/2019 16:18

I never officially stopped contact either. Just haven't heard from him in all this time and now think why should I bother.
I blocked his number and on Facebook as his ex had his phone and log in and was constantly messaging me.

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GirlOnIt · 18/03/2019 16:12

Ds has a savings account so I could suggest he pays it into that. I'll find myself being curious though, wanting to know if he's giving money to the others. Most still school age so there mums could use it more than me. And where he's been and what's he's been doing. I don't want to know, but I do if you get me.

My grandparents usually keep me up to date at least to know if I've got a new step mum or sibling, but they haven't heard from him for as long as me either. So then I've got that issue of if I tell them he's been in touch or not.

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GirlOnIt · 18/03/2019 16:07

I'm not sure how much, which I guess is making it more difficult to say no.
What if he's offering loads! I don't want to be that person and I really doubt it but Dp's like what if he's won the lottery or something and he's offering us loads.

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Handsfull13 · 18/03/2019 16:06

Start a saving account for your son and give him details to deposit it in there if he wishes. But tell him this doesn't make up for the past and isn't going to change your non existent relationship with him.

GirlOnIt · 18/03/2019 16:04

I imagine he wants to meet Ds or he thinks he might get invited to the wedding.
I do/did still talk to him occasionally, we didn't exactly fall out. I just figured out very early on he wasn't someone to rely on.
When I was at uni I was seeing him reasonably regular once every 3/4 months but he was settled at the time with a partner and kids, then they spilt up and he went awol completely.

I'm presuming he's giving money to his other children too, although I'm not sure. Don't have a sibling relationship with any of them.

He's very good at being very charming and I do see my paternal grandparents and as much as I love them, they stick up for and make excuses for his behaviour. I'm just not sure I want to get into any of it, messaging, hearing the sorry's, meeting the wife's/girlfriends, meeting the kids. I think I'm completely done and taking money will open up that contact.

OP posts:

followthatducky · 18/03/2019 16:03

I'd take it and put it towards something special to do with your DS. Or just save it for him instead.

It doesn't mean you forgive him for his actions and if he thinks that then let him. You know the truth and that's all that matters.

Jaxhog · 18/03/2019 15:46

If he skipped maintenance, then he owes you. I would take it and save for your DCs. If he tries to impose conditions afterwards, just shrug and say 'you owe me'.

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BigButtonsOnMyPhone · 18/03/2019 15:30

I understand the theory that OP could possibly take it and not be dragged back into contact, but it you'd have to be super tough to be able to do that.
Respect to those who can, but in my case I couldn't. So I never took his money.

Nesssie · 18/03/2019 15:28

Why cut off your nose to spite your face?
Take the money. Doesn't mean you are forgiving/forgetting/excusing his crappy behaviour. It just means you can take your children on days out/help them with driving lesson costs/treat yourself to a haircut.

Ellisandra · 18/03/2019 15:23

He can try to add strings, but unless he’s got OP signing a contract, it’s OP’s choice whether there are strings.

If the money meant he’d expect more contact, and OP knew she could take it but still block him - zero strings. If OP knows emotional manipulation of it would make her feel bad, then there are strings - that OP knows about.

Another of my siblings is also mostly estranged from our parents. They send money all the time. She just pockets it. Doesn’t give a fuck. No strings can be enforced there!

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