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AIBU?

By not wanting my partner poking me for sex at 4am!

69 replies

Applecrumble79 · 14/03/2019 22:39

My partner regularly wakes me up for sex at stupid hours. We have mis matched sex drives however I meet him half way . I enjoy sex with him but sometimes I’m just so tired. I work in excess of 40 hrs a week and don’t always appreciate being poked in the early hours. I have important meetings and need to be alert. When I’m woken after 4am I often don’t fall back to sleep then I’m exhausted the following day! I allow it sometimes to keep the peace but he thinks it’s ok to do it whenever. We have sex at other times but wonder if I’m being unreasonable not wanting my sleep disturbed. Is this what everyone else is doing?!

OP posts:

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MellowMelly · 15/03/2019 01:01

Here’s how I handled my ex partners probing at 2/3/4/5am...

I’d sleepily say ‘Ouch ow ouch’ and then I’d roll away into the most impenetrable position I could muster. He soon got the message that my vagina wasn’t always ‘ready’ in the early hours of the morning. I’d allow it every now and then but he knew if he heard the first ‘ouch’ to stand down!

He got it plenty enough as it was!

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2019 01:15

No way! Only for house fire or if one of our DDs is ill or has had a bad dream.

But I'm grumpy when woken up anyway, as I'm not a morning person. My DH has learnt that the best way to wake me up is to bring me a cuppa.

You need to be more direct about this. If you go along with being woken up for sex, even if only sometimes, then he'll continue.

Peopleshouldread · 15/03/2019 01:27

No way.

I'd have an involuntary sleep reaction with my knee in his balls" by accident " the next time he does it. When he complains tell him you got a fright as you started dreaming you were being assaulted.

This is absolutely not on.

Shoxfordian · 15/03/2019 05:43

Sulking when you say no is a huge red flag.
You've been way too agreeable op. Tell him not to even think about waking you up again. Is he selfish in other ways too?

pictish · 15/03/2019 06:27

“The sulking is foul, your body is not his wank receptacle.”

This is concise and describes my opinion perfectly. Your body is not his wank receptacle. There are a lot of men who think that’s what a ‘partner’ is for...being available for them sexually whenever they choose and behaving like they’re being denied what is their right when they are told no.

Your body is yours, not his. Unless you enjoy being woken up at 4am to service his cock, he is behaving appallingly! You are too afraid to say no for fear of the repercussions that will follow...sulking and a bad atmosphere. How dare he sexually bully you like that?!
This man has a warped sense of entitlement that needs put straight with a frank talk. If he has any respect for you he will listen and change his approach accordingly. If he’s the sort of arsehole to view women as slaves to male sexual desire, then you’ll soon know and hopefully send the idiot packing.
4am indeed. Fuck right off.

pictish · 15/03/2019 06:30

There are men out there who truly believe that women should be flattered by this sort of hounding. “It’s because I fancy you so much!”
No...it’s because you’re a selfish cunt.

KM99 · 15/03/2019 06:40

OP, have you actually tried to have a conversation with him about this?

The sulking, the complaining, the persistently waking you up at a time you don't want it are big red flags. You know what's sexy? Understanding your partner, asking for consent, being totally fine with rejection.

Stop conceding to "keep the peace" and start telling him he'll be cut down to zero if he doesn't start respecting your needs.

pictish · 15/03/2019 06:44

If you don’t tackle this with him, you’ll soon find yourself shuddering at his very touch, revolted by him...if you’re not already.
It is important that he understands and respects you over this.

megrichardson · 15/03/2019 06:59

Another voice to agree with the others. You will and up hating him over this.

cakecakecheese · 15/03/2019 07:08

Even if this was 'normal in society' if you don't want sex at 4am then you shouldn't have to 'go along with it' to keep the peace. Tell him the more he harasses you at silly times in the morning the less likely he is to get sex at any time of the day.

MancaroniCheese · 15/03/2019 07:08

Another chiming in to say the same, he is beyond out of order and a sexual bully.

SofaSurfer20 · 15/03/2019 07:09

Tell him no. And don't allow it at stupid AM to keep the peace. What are you, a sex doll?

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 15/03/2019 07:12

If you don’t want it, don’t allow it. I love to be woken up for sex at any time and if I can’t sleep sex is the only thing that gets me to sleep after a good session. My DH doesn’t like it in the morning and told me to about 6 months into our marriage, 30 years on I still don’t try in the morning. If your DH doesn’t know you don’t like to be woken how will he know to stop doing it.

PregnantSea · 15/03/2019 07:14

This is personal preference. I'm not working at the moment so I don't mind being woken up for sexy time, but when I was working full-time it would have pissed me off.

The solution is easy though - just say to him "please stop waking me up in the night for sex". If he doesn't accept this then maybe have a chat about more appropriate times. Perhaps you could agree that you have sex in the evening after dinner, but before you're going to sleep?

Applecrumble79 · 15/03/2019 07:17

Thanks guys. I will be having a chat with him tonight. It’s disruptive to me and I’m not remotely aroused at this time!

OP posts:

Moanymoaner123 · 15/03/2019 07:32

I had a high sex drive before the pestering started, like you my ex was never happy even when we had done it several times in one evening and a few more during the week. Totally killed any desire I had for him, and I wasn't willing to stay in a relationship where there was no sex. He never listened to me and couldn't stop the groping for more than 48 hours. I do want to have sex and still have a healthy drive, just not with a pestering, inconsiderate man child.

Happynow001 · 16/03/2019 08:18

Do you have a spare room OP? If so why not sleep there occasionally and tell him you need an undisturbed sleep as you have early start/challenging day coming up. Don't ask - tell him! Make sure you have everything you need, clothes, hairdryer, phone, keys, handbag etc in the spare room with you. You shouldn't need to do this but sounds like he's not listening. And at least you won't have to be in the same bed as a groping mega-sulker causing an atmosphere.

Also sorry if I missed it but, if you don't already have children with him I'd postpone doing so as that is likely to bring more challenging behaviour from him when you are more vulnerable.

Eliza9917 · 16/03/2019 11:41

Is this what everyone else is doing

Not in my fckn house. Fuck that for a laugh.

ponyprincess · 16/03/2019 12:43

This is not on to affect your sleep in this way. And it is soul-destroying to just do it to keep the peace. But I understand how yiu can fall into that kind of pattern, I wish I had stopped it with my ex sooner

With my current partner he can do it anytime, though we only see each other twice a week or so

There is no right or wrong just what is right for you. Stick to that

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