to regret giving my son his last name?

[marmana]

Recently ended my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex partner. I mentioned double barreling our son's name or giving him mine until we ever got married, but he shut me down. I gave in and have him his last name because I felt so bullied. I left him when my son was 3 months old and severely regret this.

I know it's only a name but now I am reminded of how awful my ex is and feel sick that my son has his surname. I don't think I can change it now.

AIBU to feel like a fool? I was really weak at the time and now I severely regret not being stronger

[AgentJohnson]

Don’t make your sons name become a thing. You made a decision at a moment in time, that’s all. You got out, you survived, that’s something to celebrate. Invest your energies and money on getting support, the name is an obvious trigger for you that you can overcome.

[IncrediblySadToo]

Things are different now. It really doesn’t cause issues.

[IncrediblySadToo]

He’s very little and you’ve only just split up. Whether he’s still involved in the future remains to be seen. I wouldn’t be encouraging it at all anyway if he’s abusive.

But there’s no reason, right now, that you can’t use the name you want him to be known by.

[DidYeeAye]

I know what you mean. My DS has his dad's name and although his dad is very active in his life (lives 10mins away and we share custody) I hate having to explain it to doctors, dentists and most recently enrolling him in school when they call me Mrs (DS's surname) my sister has a different dad to me and mum called her my surname through school etc which has since caused issues for her so I wouldn't recommend changing it unofficially

[sollyfromsurrey]

CleanAndPaidFor nah, I don't demean myself by calling people names.

[SunburstsOrMarbleHalls]

I had this with my DC

If you can prove that a mother/father who has parental responsibility (ie on the birth certificate) has not been involved in a child's life then you can apply to the courts for a name change and a judge may grant the request without the permission of the other parent.

My DD changed her surname at 16
DS is now 16 and has not made his mind up if he will change his name yet as he doesn't have the negative memories that his sister had with it.

[CleanAndPaidFor]

@sollyfromsurrey meet @raindropsinspring . You're a match made in heaven.

[marmana]

@Babynut1 I think I'm going to speak to a solicitor...

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Sadly Raindrops. We can't All be married to or have children with knitted Mr Perfects

[Babynut1]

Marmana why don’t you just apply to the courts to ask them to double barrel it? I’m sure you can do that but not 100% 🙈

[marmana]

Do how would I go about that? His dad would still be using his surname? I feel that would just be confusing?

[marmana]

@raindropsinspring wow. Aren't you a pleasure. The abuse got a hell of a lot worse when I was pregnant. It was hell. But of course you know better don't you?

[Bookworm4]

@sollyfromsurrey
'Flippantly' seriously? You are a judgemental prat, I explained my circumstances, we don't pretend he doesn't exist, he chose to not acknowledge his kids so I don't call that a father. We don't all live in a middle class fairytale. Wind your snotty neck in.

[FlipperSocks]

@raindropsinspring I think the OPs anguish about the situation is clear. No one sets out to be in abusive relationship- and the abusers don't advertise themselves as such.

OP I'm sorry to hear of how sad this makes you. I'd suggest as others have said, using your name and then your child can change it later legally if they wish.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

As far as I'm aware you are perfectly legal to use both or either parents names providing they're on the BC, which obviously you are. You are actually down as AKA mother's maiden name or other parents name.
You could also add your name to his and make it double barrelled, or He can be known as your name.
Even in school, although you'll have to put his official name. You can state he is known by your surname rather than his dad's

[raindropsinspring]

@FlipperSocks emotionally abusive can mean a lot of things these days....and if he such an abuser than why have children with him

[CleanAndPaidFor]

Wow @raindropsinspring what a perfect life you must lead. OP said her ex is emotionally abusive. Can you not understand how difficult this must be for her? Try on a little empathy for size. You never know it might suit you.
OP I suspect you may have to find a way of living with it until your child is old enough to change it themselves if they want to.

[FlipperSocks]

@raindropsinspring "emotionally abusive expartner", no I would assume he is NOT a good father. He also bullied OP into not including her name, this will be correcting this problem.

[raindropsinspring]

Its selfish to change it now just because you no longer get on with the father - presumably he is a good father?? You just cant airbrush him out of the Childs life because it no longer suits you? If that was the case then you should have seriously thought about having kids with the man first!

[sollyfromsurrey]

Bookworm4 far from misplaced judgment, I did acknowledge that there are cases where the bio father may not be in the picture but this is not the same as pretending he never existed. I am surprised if you were not required to prove he was a non-involved, and absent father. I very much doubt you or anyone else could just flippantly change your DCs names without evidence of some sort. The OP has not mentioned whether the ex is involved with his DC or not. The fact remains, you can't just flippantly change DCs name. It requires a process. Your comment suggests mother's can just do what they please with no issue. They can't

[marmana]

?

[marmana]

@IncrediblySadToo won't that cause issues for him later on? Also his dad still sees him so we would both be using a different surname. Won't that confuse things,

[Bookworm4]

Their 'father' lost his rights when he turned his back on them, their step father is the only Dad they know.

[Bookworm4]

@sollyffromsurrey
Maybe not be so quick to judge, their so called father walked out on them at 14 months old and has not attempted to contact us in 18years, so do keep your misplaced outrage to yourself, you don't know me or my life.

[sollyfromsurrey]

Bookworm4 I think it's appalling that you could change your DCs name without their father's consent. You changed their names to your new DHs name I presume? What if you split up? Will you change them again or will they forever carry the name of some random bloke that is neither their father nor step-father? Their father is still their father. I know in some cases the bio father may not be in the picture etc but surely you haven't got the right to just wipe him from your DCs life just because you want to. He's their father!!!