Asthma, Cat and MIL

[xmasbamechange]

Fuck off Daily Mail
Ok so just looking for abit of advise please.
I have had asthma my entire life and now don’t even realise I have it on a day to day basis, the only time I really need to take my inhalers anymore is when I come into contact with one of my allergies or if I have a cough. I have been with DP for 12years and him and everyone I know is aware I have a serious allergy to cats... Last year his mum decided to buy a kitten, now I’m not angry at this in the slightest, she has every right to buy one but it has now made it very difficult to visit her. She lives around 90mins away and we only ever visited maybe 4 times a year, we see her normally every 2 weeks when she comes to us for dinner or lunch. Ever since she bought the cat last May we haven’t gone to her home, we had just had a baby and I was breastfeeding and I couldn’t risk getting ill and needing to go into hospital and put on a nebuliser which has happened to me in the past. Now though if im being honest I just don’t want to, it’s not her, I really do like her but having to do a 3 hour round trip to then spend the rest of my Sunday sitting at home wheezing all night and probably not getting any sleep really doesn’t seem fair to me, especially as she can come to us. DP I think agrees with me because he hasn’t said any different, we barely see each other all week as he works very long hours and I think we both feel like why should we split up on a Sunday so he can go there with or without the children when she can easily drive to us. My reason for coming on here now and asking opinions is bevauS she’s now constantly trying to make up reasons for us going to her and it’s making me feel really uncomfortable because she knows why we haven’t gone, surely she thought about the repercussions of buying an animal I was so allergic to? AIBU?

[Damntheman]

Holy crap lady no! I say this as a dedicated cat owner, you do NOT have to go to her house! This is your health, not a personal preference. If she got a cat then she must come to you (and presumably change her clothes right before she leaves if your allergy is this bad).

I got cats while very aware that this would mean I would always have to be the one that visited my close friend afterwards. He's so allergic he can't even come into my house, so I change my clothes right before I leave the house and I always visit him. That is the cost of me having my pets. So be it! Your MIL needs to grow the fuck up and stop being a bitch.

[BarbarianMum]

The OP does not have to stuff herself full of antihistamines, "try it for a bit" or suggest MiL does x/y/z to reduce symptoms, she can just say "no". MiL will have to lump it.

There's also the baby to think of allergic parents have a higher than normal instance of allergic children.

[maddening]

Ps she didn't get a dog until ds was a little older (6) so diff issue to you as your dc is so small - ds was bf till he was 3 so if I couldn't have gone it would have been much more awkward

[maddening]

My mil has also done this - got a dog - dh takes ds in school hols for the odd day when I am working, mil doesn't drive and has no intention of learning. When I go we have to meet at a restaurant, but she is only an hour away so it isn't so bad. She loses out ultimately as I am more likely to take ds over than dh and she could come over and stay without a dog (which she can't leave for more than a few hours), her choice.

[reluctantbrit]

Do explain it to her. Could you send your DH and child on their own once in a while?

I think the drive is long with a small child just to meet for lunch so letting them go alone may be easier. Or make day trips, going to zoos, attractions etc together.

I have a cat allergy, no asthma though, and my best friend just got kittens. I am not sure how I will deal with her annual birthday and NYE parties but she knows what I have and already made arrangements to shut them away and cleaned the room when I popped over for 1 hour. Family should be understanding.

[bloodywhitecat]

My daughter is like you OP, she cannot be near cats (or Christmas trees) so no-one in the family has cats (or trees), no amount of medication helps her be less allergic and her attacks have become more and more serious to the point they are now often life threatening. Tell MIL because I bet she is just as hurt by NOT knowing the truth as she might be from hearing how it is, then take things from there.

[CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson]

Yanbu for all the reasons already stated.

However, I think the fact you visit your cousin, who has a cat, might be part of the problem. You're telling her on one hand that your allergies are so bad that you can't risk visiting her, then you go and visit your cousin who has a cat. I don't think she'll see the difference in an outdoor Vs indoor cat tbh, just that you're allergies can't be as much of a problem as you make out because you'll do it for your cousin so why not for her.

[bumtickler]

OP just explain! Tell her you like cats (even if you dont ;) ), BUT you cant be around them. Many people are like that with allergies. I love a certain food.....but I suffer if I eat it lol!

[Purpleartichoke]

My mom developed a cat allergy and had asthma. I already had cats at the time. She lived very far away so visits were rare. When she came to visit us she stayed in a hotel and we stayed out of my house as much as possible. She generally would just come in for a quick tour.

So Basically, we respected her illness. I didn’t get rid of my cat, but we still found a way to visit and neither of us took it personally.

[Aquamarine1029]

I have always had cats, and we had a cat while I was a child. My poor mum became allergic to cats at the age of SIXTY, and I am always very concerned when she visits my home. Luckily, she doesn't have asthma like you do, so the threat to her health isn't even as remotely extreme.

When she visits (usually at least a week because of distance), I make sure the guest room is thoroughly cleaned and shut off from the cats for at least 2 weeks prior and for the entire time she visits. It makes me very angry that your MIL is so uncaring of your situation.

[ChicCroissant]

I am allergic to cats and some dogs too - there are relatives we can only spend an hour or two in their house because of this (unfortunately antihistamines make me sleep!) and it is a pain tbh.

[flumpybear]

Just say no!! Tell her you're not risking an asthma attack off the back of cat allergy - if she persists in asking just say well it's that or I end up in hospital ...

[greenelephantscarf]

yanbu
to visit a relative with pets I have to drug up (steroids, antihistamines & inhaler) and even then I can stay one hour max.
it's misreable and I only do it once a year.

[Jasmineallenestate]

You sound lovely. But your h sounds like a wimp. I would speak to her anyway, you clearly are fond of her and the cat issue could cause no end of misunderstandings that are not necessary.

[RandomMess]

I am allergic to cats but do not asthma. First 3 weeks of getting our current cat after a break of a year I wheezed, couldn't lay down etc I thought they would have to go.

YANBU asthma is so serious and no way can you compromise your health just to spend time in MILs home rather than the compromise of meeting out (only) or her coming to you.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I am as allergic to cats like you and I can't visit people with cats. No strong antihistamine or cat washing helps. Despite that I don't blame anyone for getting a cat, people love their pets and need the company.

Be honest with your MIL, so many people just don't believe the impact of allergies. Could you try being proactive and invite her to somewhere she likes near you and make sure you have plans for afterwards that can't be changed so you need to go straight home.

[HarrysOwl]

You have to be honest with her. You have to tell her.

If she doesn't know why you're not visiting, she may feel hurt and upset. That's not fair for her, is it?

You can't predict how she may or may not react; don't be anxious. Just be honest, and go from there. She may be able to help find a solution that suits all of you.

[LL83]

I think you should speak to her explaining the allergy and you will be wheezing and very uncomfortable afterwards if not in hospital. Also explain you are glad she has the cat and enjoys it and are happy to visit at yours or elsewhere.

It is worse not to as then she may be wondering what she has done to offend? Perhaps she is trying to get you to her house ro reassure herself you dont hate her house/think its dirty/dislike the biscuits she gets. Your reasons shouldn't upset/offend her not saying anything is worse. Perhaps she has forgotten allergy or doesn't understand the seriousness.

Yanbu not to go to her house though.

[HermioneWeasley]

Of course you can’t go. She needs to come to you. She realised the implications when she got a pet you’re allergic to.

As a fellow cat allergy sufferer, people don’t know how bad it can be and how long it takes to recover.

[AnnaMagnani]

A friend could visit her mum with cats with the aid of anti-histamines and her mum washing the cat in petalcleanse.

However she wasn't as bad as you.

If you are really keen, and your MIL is understanding and not a guilt-tripper, you could try it on the understanding that the first hint of needing an inhaler you are out of there and staying the night is never on the cards at all.

But given that doesn't seem to be your situation, I think it would be a straight no, you can't go there.

Also, your DH needs to get real - he's seen you in hospital FFS. I have asthma and never been as ill as you and my DH would have my back. There are alternatives - visit out of the home, he goes without you, you stay at a hotel, cat goes to cattery when you go.

[xmasbamechange]

No I’m not compromising my health at all that’s why we haven’t been in nearly a year. DH wouldn’t ask me to do that especially as she is able to come to ours. She 10000% knows how allergic I am, there is no
Question what so ever. She knows for instance that I have a cousin that has an outdoor cat that is hardly ever in their home and I can only go for an hour and a half and even that’s leaves me wheezing so I only do it twice a year. She’s been there and seen it happen. Her cat is very much an indoor one and she has a fully carpeted house, it’s loterally an attack waiting to happen

[xmasbamechange]

See I would love to just be honest but I don’t think it would go down well with DH, he wouldn’t want to upset her and make her feel like she’s done something wrong by buying this cat, I’m also not angry at her in the slightest, she’s very lonely and it’s given her company but surely she has to realise that it would change our ability to go to her home?

[HarrysOwl]

*cat fur. Car fur is fine....

[HarrysOwl]

Have you had a conversation with her and explained how allergic you are to cats and that's why you can't visit her?

I'm asthmatic and car fur triggers an attack for me, too, so I really sympathise.

Can you ask your DH to explain the situation to her? I really don't think you should risk your health (as you know, asthma is serious and it kills 3 people a day) to keep your MIL happy.

If she's aware of your asthma and knows cat fur triggers it, and STILL wants you to visit, then I wouldn't give a shiny shit what she thought.