I hate my boyfriend's friend

[targaryen1]

Hi all, so quick backstory...
My boyfriend has a specific friend I really dislike. Before me and my boyfriend became serious, this friend would always get my boyfriend out, drinking every night and naturally I associate him with that. Yes I understand my boyfriend makes his own choices and wouldn't of done so unless he wanted to. However he's someone that is influenced heavily by those around him. And he cannot ever say no to this friend. This friend has been involved with drugs too (apparently not anymore) and I just think he negatively influences my other half.
Now it's not only that but I see through him. He never bothers with my partner, never makes the effort to come see him but as soon as he needs a bit of company when he's had a drink, he wants to know him. They've fallen out and my boyfriend has even said "he doesn't bother with me unless I have money or he's having a drink". And it upsets me because for some reason my boyfriend looks up to him and it bothers him hugely? Yet as soon as he wants to know my partner again, he goes running back. Which is frustrating for me.

After their fall out, I let my partner invite that friend and a couple of others round for a drink whilst I took care of my son who is 3 months. My partner had been drinking with his friends that day and I'd had baby. At midnight my boyfriend asked if he could go back to one of theirs and I said I'd prefer him to stay as baby was wide awake and I was exhausted after having him all day. He said that's fine and obviously told this friend. (He's never asked this before so obviously the friend I dislike wanted him to go out).
Later I preceded to go downstairs in my own home only to be told by this friend "just give him some space, I don't want to fall out with you but let him come". I snapped back and said "sorry but I've had the baby all day, I'm exhausted and it's half 12 not 8 in the evening. I need some help with baby". He tried to guilt trip me by saying "he loves you just give him some space, I'll just have to spend time with him another day...". Yet he never bothers, hes always welcome here. Why am I defending wanting to father of my child to help me out with our son, in my own home! I've let them drink at my home, I've made an effort with all of them whilst I've also been taking care of my son all day! I'm exhausted and I'm explaining myself? Why should I feel guilty it's almost 1, and you're guilt tripping me into feeling wrong for asking for help with baby.

Please can I have some advice because I am so wound up and I don't know how to approach this friend anymore. Am I wrong or right?

[Sarah24680]

I think you're in the right re this friend. Can the two of you do some more active stuff together?

[krankykittykat]

If my partner had been drinking for a few hours I wouldn't want help until they were sober in the morning.

[HappydaysArehere]

I am full of sympathy for your situation. He has had a good evening with his friends so why on earth should this be extended into an all night episode when his partner needs to settle down with a very young baby. As for the friend’s remarks if anyone is controlling it is him. What the hell! He should keep his batchelor thoughts to himself. It’s not his place to interfere between a mother and father of a young child in their home. Your partner is being used, as he suspects, and is not the friend that others describe.

[ilovesooty]

Where does it say they're doing coke?

[ErickBroch]

It is not controlling to want help with your 3 month old child who has TWO parents, not one. I bet OP doesn't get a night off to go round her mates and do coke. It was extremely rude of him to talk to you like that, none of my DPs friends would ever.

[BeGoodTanya]

I don't think you sound controlling, but your boyfriend sounds like a spineless, immature kid who's unusually susceptible to peer pressure from this particular friend. You're directing your anger at the wrong person -- your boyfriend, who is now a father, needs to grow the fuck up.

[ilovesooty]

It sounds as though you "let" him come round to your house in order to keep an eye on your partner. Let him make his own choices then if they aren't acceptable to you you're free to make yours.

[TatianaLarina]

Controlling? For FUCK'S sake, how ridiculous. OP, ignore the handful of idiots who piled on at the outset

This.

[SandyY2K]

Actually I don't think you're controlling. I think it's your choice of words such as "let him".

His friend had no business talking to you like that and he does sound like a user.

All I'd do is remind my OH that his friend is a user, as he already knows and to not allow himself to be used.

[AuntMarch]

I don't think it's fair to suddenly decide his night with friends has to stop (but would also rather they had cleared off to one of the other houses). A person who has been drinking should not be taking over with baby so you can rest anyway.

But friend was also rude. DP asked, you answered, DP accepted it. He shouldn't have felt entitled to comment.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

PS if I had wanted to go out when DS was a baby, or had someone round, I would have checked DH was OK with it. As he would have with me. Not controlling, just common courtesy as we were both utterly exhausted and supporting each other.

[YourSarcasmIsDripping]

I think it's a mix of both. The friend is a dick and OP is a tad controlling.

However you can't control someone you don't like out of your partner's life. Establishing some boundaries as to what his responsibilities are in chores and baby raising is fine,but he also needs to make choices and decisions for himself. And he needs to learn to put you @d the baby frist when needed, because it's the right thing to do,not because otherwise you won't "let" him.

Most of your post makes him sound like he's 6, and you're his mum trying to protect him from the "bad. Crowd".

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Controlling? For FUCK'S sake, how ridiculous. OP, ignore the handful of idiots who piled on at the outset, unfortunately there are people who lurk on MN for the chance to put the boot into people. My DH wouldn't have dreamed of having a late night piss up when DS was 3mo, largely because we both did equal shares of parenting and were as knackered as each other.

I think 'friend' is here to stay unfortunately, until your partner figures things out for himself. But you do need to make it clear to him what is expected of him as a dad. If he wants to stay out drinking, OK, but he takes DS the day before so you can rest and get some sleep. Similarly, a hangover isn't an excuse for shirking childcare.

[Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername]

I see exactly where the OPs at. My husband had a 'friend' like this. Controlling and manipulative, and yet for some reason, as soon as he said 'jump', my DH asked how high. I have no words of advice, but perhaps speak to your partner, and ask him to see the bigger picture

[EmeraldShamrock]

If it your OP was wrote by a man, about a female friend, I would tell him he is controlling possessive and neither you or friend has exclusive rights to your DP.
This relationship will not last long.

[OddCat]

I also don't think you're controlling, just concerned because you obviously see that this friend isn't good for your OH.

What adult would actually try to persuade someone to go to their house at that time of night? It's what a teenager would do.

Sounds like your partner needs some help with boundaries.

[ZippyBungleandGeorge]

I have a three month old, DH goes out most Sunday evenings, that's his night off. He offers the same for me but I'm bf and can't express so fact hi out for a whole evening, but I get time for baths, naps, read a book for a while or he'll take DS out for an hour or two so I get some down time, or I'll pop into town between feeds. I wouldn't expect him to curtail my time and don't do it to him, the only exception would be if I or DS were poorly and needed extra help. DH also volunteered that if he works overtime on a Sunday he doesn't go out Sunday evening, because he works long days Monday and Tuesday (12 hours) and it's a big chunk of time for me to be without a break as I do all of the night waking because he's working and I'm breastfeeding.
You do sound controlling, why couldn't they just go out in the first place instead of being at your house?

[MaxNormal]

OP has a three month old ffs. How is it controlling for her not to want to do all childcare while her partner swans off to get pished?
And so what if he's known his friend longer? He doesn't have a baby with him!

[FrazzledCareerWoman]

The friend was really out of order hassling you in your own home about "letting" your partner go out when he'd already been told no by your partner.

OP has a 3mo old baby. She doesn't sound controlling! The friend sounds awful and I bet partner is actually glad of an "excuse".

[BollocksToBrexit]

• your partner

[BollocksToBrexit]

I don't think you sound controlling. I think you sound like a new mum frustrated that you're partner is still carrying on as if he's young, free and single. It's not the friend who's the problem, it's your partner.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

You 'let' him have friends round. He 'asked' if he could go out to one of their houses. Jeezo. Does not sound a healthy relationship to me - nothing to do with the apparently evil friend....

[Iooselipssinkships]

I don't understand why at half midnight he wanted him to go back to his house? Drugs?
I don't think you're controlling I think the friend sounds like an arse.

[Maybeitsjustmeor]

Jesus people she has a three month old baby and I bet she can't go out drinking right now like her partner can.

Lack of sleep and being new to being a mother can bring the worst out of people and it can be hard not to be resentful at times when you've had a baby all day and your partner wants to have some drinks and you're probably breastfeeding non stop. My first baby is now 8 months and the first few months are survival haha.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

My DH has a friend like this. We tried to include him when we first got together but he was really jealous and tried to split us up. When he got a girlfriend he would ditch DH and not speak to him for months. Then all of a sudden he was back like it never happened. I don't like him but they were friends long before I arrived so I just keep my distance. I suggest you do the same.