To think I am abusive

[OrAGin]

I already know my behaviour could be better, I'm worried though that I'm verging on being abusive and I'm terrified I'm affecting my DH's mental health/self worth.

DH & I together 10 years. He's a very kind, considerate and generous person. Always supportive.

So I don't drip feed, I have complex PTSD due to a number of traumatic events in my childhood. I've largely just 'got on with it' as best I could, but after 20 years of burying things I'm finally in CBT with the NHS and trying my best to change how I think.

The trouble is, sometimes I'm just mean to my DH. Examples - he buys a cake to cheer me up but I complain it's a flavour I don't like and he feels bad. I know it sounds totally ungrateful.

He was poorly with a cold and I spent three days looking after him, but by the forth day of his (understandable) grumpiness (and coming down with it myself) I snapped at him and caused an argument. I knew he had an awful headache but I couldn't shake myself out of feeling frustrated and negative.

I over-react at criticism or confrontation (like, mammothly) and sometimes a perceived slight criticism can have me really upset and suddenly I threaten either divorce or suicide. At the time it genuinely feels that bad. My emotions feel so out of control. I make it about me, all the time. Am I a narcissist?

I feel like nothing is good enough, and I'm worried that I'm repeating some of the patterns of behaviour with how I was treated as a young child by bringing him down when I'm struggling. I don't call him names or swear and there's no violence but I worry how I am will affect his self esteem, I know he feels drained after any of my PTSD triggered episodes.

Should I leave and spare him the trauma? No need to be kind, I know AIBU here. He deserves so much better.

[disneyspendingmoney]

Tomtontom maybe my position of ignorance comes from being on the receiving end of what was described by the OP particularly the threats of divorce and suicide. The latter was particularly difficult for the children as well.

My own experience if three lots of CBT to cope with what I was undergoing focused on being self aware and understanding how I was feeling and my reactions to it. My suggestion is that if the OP is aware that they are using threats of suicide to manipulate and coerce their partner, then that must stop. I would suggest as well that the OP seeks out a professional to help with their issues abusive and otherwise.

I am sorry you felt that way about what I said and I admit it was a kneejerk reaction based on my own personal experiences.