to think children are a bigger commitment than marriage?

[FridaysChild90]

I hear so many people say with kids say they're not sure if they're ready to get married yet, despite already having dc with their other half. I see threads on here from women with DC, who say their partner is 'not ready' for marriage or dragging his feet.

Am I the only one who thinks it's bonkers for anyone to think marriage is a bigger commitment than having children?

If you get married and it doesn't work out, worst case scenario is you get divorced. Yes that can be costly, and the wealthier partner could lose money, but after that you never have to see the person again if you don't want to.

If you have children, you are tied to that person FOREVER, even if you split up. You will have to see them every birthday and Christmas, and maintain atleast a civil relationship with them to talk about arrangements with the children.

And then there's the financial aspect of it. Having a child itself is expensive, and then there's the adverse effects on (women's) careers. Both parents will need to pay for childcare and general parenting costs, and if they split up the costs are even more as they would both need to pay for their own housing too. One parent (usually the dad) will have to pay the other maintenance costs if they were married or not, while single mums have to earn enough to support herself and the children. There's no way a divorce costs more than this would in the long run.

And lastly, and most importantly, there's the affect on the child. Having a child means bringing a human being into this world who would will be affected by their parents actions. If a relationship breaks down, surely it's much harder to deal with when there's a child involved than if there's a piece of paper saying you're married?

Just curious as to why anyone would be okay to have a child with someone, but gets cold feet and runs for the hills whenever marriage is mentioned. I'm not saying divorce is a good thing, and of course marriages can break down, but marriage doesn't tie you to another person forever - a child does.

[Karigan195]

My partner and I say the same thing however I don’t WANT to get married. Been there done that before and as far as I can tell it’s just a piece of paper that makes someone think they can take you for granted then when you say you’ve had enough they can take half your pension. No thank you. As the higher earner I’m happier being a partner than a wife thanks

[tripletrouble]

YANBU
I totally agree

[Flyingfish2019]

YANBU, they are.

[cheeseislife8]

I agree totally

[Magicmonster]

Another one here who totally agrees with you.

[Bambamber]

YANBU

[SoftBlocks]

Absolutely. Once you have a child with someone you are in one another’s lives for ever. Without children you can walk away from a marriage.

[BestBeforeYesterday]

I think the men who already have kids but drag their feet regarding marriage are the ones who wouldn't put much effort into maintaining a relationship with their DC if the relationship broke down. In short, they're neither committed to their partner nor their kids.

[freshfoodpeople]

YANBU
I totally agree.

[CmdrIvanova]

You're so wrong. Look how many men walk away from their kids without a backwards glance leaving the child(ren) and their ex partner in the shit. There is nothing to tie an unwilling co parent to you, except perhaps a vague, fairly toothless threat of CSA. In marriage you're both under a legal contract with rights and responsibilities towards one another. And I would hazard a guess that a lot of the time the person who is 'not ready' for marriage knows that full well.

[Oopsusernamealreadytaken]

I never wanted to get married but we did purely for the legal kid stuff. Having kids changed our lives immeasurably, getting married did not. Although we’d been together 13 years when we finally got married so I’d say we were already pretty committed

[Oopsusernamealreadytaken]

I am the woman btw, my husband always wanted to get married. It’s not just men who don’t want to get married :)

[silkpyjamasallday]

YANBU, you can leave a marriage and never have to see the other party again, not an option if you have DC, the other parent will always be on the periphery of your life.

[Yellowbrickhouse]

YANBU at all.

I'm about to petition for a divorce, and I know already that my XH will not want shared custody. I have had to take all responsibility for DC, and I also already know that my loser of a XH and DC's DF will stop paying CM, and is likely to disappear off the beaten track. He's threatened me as much.

BIG commitment. Not that I'm complaining about having sole responsibility for my DC, just that I'm sorely disappointed for them that they don't have a solid male role model/have a knobhead for a father.

[KanielOutis]

Marriage is a commitment to each other. Being a parent is a commitment to the child. Neither is more of a commitment, but a commitment to different people. An unmarried breadwinner must provide for their children. Unless they are married, there is no obligation for them to provide for their partner as no commitment has been made.

[Birdsgottafly]

I agree. If a Man wants children with you, he has no reason to not get married. If he won't, he obviously wants the ease to walk away.

I say Man because rarely do Women walk away from their children. Likewise I can understand a Woman becoming accidentally pregnant, there already being issues and being unsure.

In the case of a Man, marriage will protect his rights from the moment of the baby's delivery.

I agree with legally protecting yourself financially.

Some of the advise about co-habitating is wrong, though. Both my DD and my SIL could show that they'd contributed to the financial upkeep of the home and were awarded a payout, both didn't have dependant children.

I've also had co-habitating friends whose Partner has been told that he cannot just throw her and their children out, or force her to leave without the children. The new laws around emotional abuse help with that, as well.

But, yes, I agree with you.

[codenameduchess]

Yanbu, but not everyone sees children the same and treat it as a fashion accessory rather than considering a 'baby' as a lifelong commitment to another humans beings wellbeing.

some people just don't want to get married and that's fine but it needs to be a discussion early in the relationship so that both are in agreement.

I never quite understand why anyone would agree to become a sahp while the partner earns if they aren't married without some form of legal agreement as the outcome for the sahp is pretty bleak in the event of s split.

[Birdsgottafly]

I think it's time that we pushed for the model of criminalising non payment of child support. The higher the income of the Man, the greater the punishment.

All the "it'll ruin his career" bollocks can do one. We know that being a struggling LP can ruin the life chances of children, now more so than ever.

[catx1606]

Totally agree. In fact I think that if a couple can make the commitment to have children then I don't see why they can't get married. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper, if process legal protection that a cohabiting married couple won't have. I'm traditional and believe in marriage before children.

[Fluffiest]

YANBU but I would perhaps make a distinction. Marriage is a conscious and declared commitment that people choose to make. Deciding to have children is not always a conscious decision, (1 out of 6 pregnancies are unplanned). Whilst I believe that having children is a life long commitment/responsibility, many others don't see it that way, as evidenced by the number of parents who walk away from their children.

Maybe marriage is a commitment and children are an obligation, that can be avoided

[User758172]

YABU. If having the child was such a huge commitment, why would so many men walk away from their kids?

If a relationship breaks down, surely it's much harder to deal with when there's a child involved than if there's a piece of paper saying you're married?

Because you’re legally committed to one another when married, not just emotionally by having joint children. So married parents are less likely to split up than unmarried parents.

[HeyArthur]

And yet dc are still born with barely a thought to the consequences.

I know women who have 5 dc with different dads and none of the fathers see the dc as a commitment because they've pissed off and left them at the first opportunity.

[Fairylightfurore]

Of course they are which is why if you're not prepared to make the commitment to marry then you should seriously consider whether you should run before you can walk.

[mustdrinkwaternotwine]

I disagree. The act of getting pregnant is free, often spontaneous (whether in or outside a relationship) and immediate. Once you have a child, for many, there is no lifetime commitment. Life after marriage doesn't change much but life after children does. Marriage doesn't put any different strains on a relationship but children do.
We had children and I wasn't ready for marriage for the simple reason that I had more assets than DP and didn't see why he should get to have some of them if we divorced.