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To stay in miserable marriage because I don't want to be a part time parent

13 replies

grabbit · 03/11/2018 16:24

That's the long and short of it. Relationship is awful but I don't want my kids for half the week.


I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/11/2018 16:26

You don’t want your kids to think an unhappy relationship is normal either.

badirene · 03/11/2018 16:38

What is the long term effects of staying in this relationship going to do to your mental health and physical health? Which is better a full time, miserable parent or a part time parent who is energetic, engaged with life and at peace within themselves. Not an easy choice to make, is there any hope of counselling being able to improve the relationship or maybe attend on your own so you can come to a decision that is right for everyone long term.

DanglyBangly · 03/11/2018 16:56

Put the children first. What’s in there best interests? Many people would argue that unhappy parents are worse for the kids than separated ones.

I mean this gently, but not wanting them only half the week is about what YOU, not them.

RebelWitchFace · 03/11/2018 17:09

It depends how miserable and how this manifests in the house and in the relationship with the kids as well.
Most miserable relationships are detrimental to kids because people aren't such good actors and also they are humans and pettiness,passive aggressive comments and a lot of the time the pure loathing comes through no matter how much you think kids have no idea.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 03/11/2018 17:15

My parents have been unhappily married for over 30 years. They should never have gone out for a drink together, let alone married! Neither has the balls to divorce each other and their relationship is very dysfunctional.

I love my parents and get on with them as individuals, but I seriously question their life choices. They stayed together but not for the right reasons.

I grew up in a war zone, mostly like the Cold War.

So from my experience of being the child in this situation, I would say in the long run staying in an unhappy relationship is worse for your children.

I'm not saying being a child of divorced parents is wonderful either by the way, but staying together and putting on an act is not an acceptable alternative

FishesThatFly · 03/11/2018 17:23

Why would you be a PT parent? Would the dad even want the kids half the week? Would that even be feasible?

Ex and l split last year. He has them EOW and sees them for a couple of hours during the week.

However even on my weekend "off" l still have parental stuff to do like ensuring uniforms are washed etc. I get messages from them as l am still their parent.

What it does give me is a little break to recharge and to be a better parent then l was when their Dad was still here as it was a miserable household then

Bestseller · 03/11/2018 17:31

I think it depends what kind of unhappy. If you all rub along OK, but there's a feeling of something missing or that things could or should be better, I'm afraid I don't buy the argument that the dc are better off with happy parents. From my work and personal experience, I know that family break up causes enormous trauma and lasting damage. Children don't know or care that their parents are mildly dissatisfied with life.

If the relationship is so bad that dc are being damaged by staying in it, then yes of course you should go.

lau888 · 03/11/2018 18:19

I agree with Bestseller. Unless there are serious concerns that necessitate divorce, I’d consider whether you all would genuinely be significantly happier apart than together. It’s like eating food with chopsticks; it’s easier when there are two, not one. (Although, I’m paraphrasing a rather trite cultural proverb.)

cabingirl · 03/11/2018 18:23

Depends how old they are - how long do you need to put your personal relationship unhappiness aside?

ems137 · 03/11/2018 18:26

I wish my parents had divorced long before we were grown up. It had a negative effect on all 5 of us kids in some way.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 03/11/2018 18:31

Do you want your kids to look back and think "my parents stayed together for my sake. They would have been happier of it weren't for me". Because that's how it causes many people to think.

TheSpooktacular · 03/11/2018 18:33

Why do you think it would be for half the week?

Staying together and being miserable is a massive burden to place on your children.

1234hello · 03/11/2018 18:55

Not sure about the part time parent a PP says, that’s your needs and wants rather than the DC, which should come first.

That said, though I can never be 100% sure, I would put money on my childhood being happier and my mental health (as an adult) a lot better if my parents had put on an act and stayed together “for the sake of the kids”. I cannot emphasise how much heartache my dad leaving has caused me, over several decades now.

As a parent myself, I also think how hard it would be being a single parent and am prepared to put up with quite a lot in my marriage to avoid both that hard work for myself, and heartache for my children.

Ultimately, it’s a personal choice/opinion and people have different stories to tell, that’s just my tuppence worth.

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