Contact with NRP

[Grumpypig]

I want to check I'm not being an unreasonable monster!

Ex husband has thrown his toys out the pram about contact and threatened DD with getting lawyers involved. I've tried to phone him but not answering.

We've never had a formal arrangement but I've NEVER tried to limit contact. In the 6 or so years we've been separated I've said no to contact maybe once or twice and that's usually due to him asking for her the day before he wants her!

DD is nearly 15 so most arrangements he does directly through her.

After we split he moved a 40 minute drive away. I've recently moved but drive is still 40 minutes.

His contact has been sporadic at best, always on his terms and maybe every month at most, sometimes he'll go 3 months with no contact.

Now apparently he's sick of seeing her so little 🤔.

He wants to make it 2 weekends a month which is absolutely fine, however he wants me to do all the pick ups and drop offs as he's sick off "running around".

We'd usually do one each - surely I don't have to do both of them?

His alternative is I stick her on a train- a journey she's never done and it'll be dark by the time she gets there.

AIBU?

[Bennyandthejetsssss]

At 15, your daughter is old enough to use the train.

Mine had no choice but to do 150 miles on the train every other weekend from the age of 12.

He was met at the station etc. Never an issue. He’s now pretty streetwise.

Your daughter’s relationship with her dad is hers to have. You didn’t ‘let him have her’ on a couple of occasions and you’ve weathered the storm.

The fact you both want time with her is great. If he dicks around with times etc then it will be annoying but at 15 - kids have their own opinions on how their parents are.

Do the drive, put her on the train - just let her have her dad and let her see mum encouraging it.

You got this far with no formal agreement which is good going.

Once she’s 16, you’ll have no say in it, so be that cracking, supportive mum that enables a hopefully good relationship with her dad. You’re quite late down the line to squabble over access.

[Butterymuffin]

How does she feel about the train? At that age she gets something of a say too, right?

He can whistle for the idea that he can make you do all drop offs and pick ups though. Tell him fine, instruct solicitors if he wants and see what good it does him. I would bet he's hoping you'll just give in under the threat of legal action.

[londonrach]

Shes old enough to use the train and see her dad. Her decision. What she want to do.

[Grumpypig]

She's got the train twice to be met by a friends mum but not this particular station and never in the dark.

She's a not massively streetwise 14 year old and isn't happy about getting the train on her own.

I'm happy to do one of the pick ups or drop offs. I'm not happy to do both as frankly I don't see why I should have to.

[Bugsymalonemumof2]

At 15 it is unlikely court would make an order as it is very much down to the child by that stage

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Does she want to go there two weekends a month? At her age it’s up to her. A more flexible arrangement might be better but she might like the routine and 40 minutes isn’t that far. Lawyers won’t do anything, he’s being very silly throwing that around.

Splitting the journey is the fairest but if you aren’t both happy with that then her taking the train is perfectly fine. She’s 15. Getting used to public transport is a life skill.

If she won’t get the train and he won’t drive her then they’ll have to work it out between themselves.

My DH ex moved away and he still does all the driving, every journey twice a week and it costs a fortune and he spends hours in the car a week. No public transport option here and my DSC are younger.

He can’t make you drive her more than you want to. Would you be okay with doing one leg and her taking the train on the other?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

X post, sorry.

[Grumpypig]

Just looked online and there isn't a direct train and she's not happy about having to do it on her own.

[Grumpypig]

She is getting used to taking the train and I'm encouraging her independence but in a controlled way.

She's done a couple of direct train journeys during daylight.

I just feel a totally new route in the dark requiring a change is too much.

Also he very much dictates what is going to happen.

Why does he get to do none of the effort? He pays no maintenance and never has and I need to pay her onto the train then pick her up?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He’s a twat for not paying maintenance. If he’s got a job and a salary you can apply through the CSA now and get what you can for the next 4 years.

You absolutely don’t have to pay for her to get the train to him. Least of all if the train leg instead of him driving while you’re doing one of the journeys! Cheeky sod for even asking if that’s what he’s done.

If she’s up for trying the train she could ask him to do it with her the first time.

[Grumpypig]

He's "self employed" so would get out of paying.

[Grumpypig]

Cheeky sod for even asking if that’s what he’s done.

He hasn't even asked, he's just announced that's what's happening.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Tell him to take a hike then. The nerve of some people.

Have you had a chat with DD about how she’d like contact to go from now? Does she want regular weekends or would she prefer the occasional one with calls as and when and a lunch meet up on a Saturday or whatever?

Around this age lots of families move from very regimented contact schedules to a more flexible ad hoc approach so it’s intersting he’s pushing for a firm routine when he’s befb flakey in the past and it’s not coming from DD.

[Grumpypig]

She's not desperate to see him.

He threatens to not allow her to go on holiday with us if she doesn't see him though.

[Maelstrop]

You can get an emergency order for her to go on holiday. The guy’s being a twat. Is she 14 or 15? No court will force her to see him but you will be able to get the paperwork to allow her on holiday. Roll on her being 15, what is wrong with her idiot father?! Does he think that’ll encourage her to see him? Idiot.

[Grumpypig]

She's 14, 15 in a few months.

Unfortunately somewhere we need to go abroad to see family requires him to sign an affidavit until she's 18.

[Bugsymalonemumof2]

Its £220 to apply for a specific issue court order to allow you to go abroad. No court will say no.

[Butterymuffin]

I'd look into the court order option OP and keep that under your hat.

Plus I'd put in a maintenance claim anyway. Even if he can wriggle out of paying anything but a small amount, that's better than zero, and frankly I would want to at least put him to the trouble of completing lying on the paperwork. Others who wouldn't are probably nicer people than me but there you go. I agree with you that he currently gets it all his way and I don't see why he should.

If you ever agree to half and half travel again, make sure it's done so that he isn't doing the second journey, so he can't refuse and then effectively force you to come and get her as well as having dropped off. Same with train arrangements. But for me if your DD says she's not happy to do it, I'd take that line and stick with it.

[Grumpypig]

Would that work for South Africa? They have VERY specific criteria for minors traveling without both parents.

[Grumpypig]

I will look into the court option thank you.

It’s so tedious dealing with someone so unreasonable.

[Godimsounimaginative]

You are not responsible and neither is your daughter for maintaining contact with him. I imagine you do all the other "running around" in her day to day life.

[Grumpypig]

Haha, yes I definitely do all the other running around. Even when we were together.