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To not be that social

30 replies

InsideOutandBacktoFront · 14/10/2018 11:21

I am currently on maternity leave with my 4 week old baby. Since leaving work, DM and MIL have both been hassling me to join NCT groups and other social groups to meet other parents. This stems from the fact that i haven't many friends generally and they think it'll be good for me to go out and meet new people.

It is getting on my nerves because i am an introverted person and don't feel the need to socialise that much. I would understand if they were suggesting it because i was depressed or down, but i am not. I am quite happy being at home with the baby all day. I've got a dog so i'm out the house walking him everyday and meeting other dog walkers. Plus i am not exactly sitting around with nothing to do with a newborn!

I've always found that being an introverted person seems to offend other people and that they feel the need to change you. My DM is also an introvert and says she doesn't like socialising that much, but does it anyway to keep up appearances with others and to fit in. This just seems crazy to me. Should i just suck it up and socialise in order to keep everyone else happy?

OP posts:
DeadGood · 14/10/2018 11:22

Nah. Carry on as you are. When they suggest this stuff, look at them and say “but I’m happy as I am”

DastardlyDoris · 14/10/2018 11:24

No. Don't let them push you into it. Enjoy your little baby by spending the time the way that suits you.

Womaningreen · 14/10/2018 11:27

yes a lot of people don't like introverts.

one of my friends also kept telling her mum that she didn't want to go out and meet new mums because she wasn't interested in talking about babies, which I totally get.

she just wanted to stick with her old friends and TED talks (sorry, TED talks became a running joke because she sent me at least 3 new links every day as she had a nice quiet newborn!) But that suited her, if you don't want to go those groups, don't go.

I hate the way there's an obsession with groups being good for everything and everyone at the mo.

BlueJava · 14/10/2018 11:28

Provided you are happy then ignore them. When I was on mat leave I didn't do the usual baby groups, coffe/chat thing or NCT group either. I went to 1 NCT coffee morning (as suggested by MIL) never went back! :) I found other mums quite hard to relate to, I was used to working in IT/finance and not really socialising much but worked long hours - so once I had twins I just swapped IT work for housework and kids for a bit. I completed a module of my MBA on mat leave anyway so would just plead "uni work" but in truth I was 100% happy on my own with my twins.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 14/10/2018 11:36

It is good to have a support network of other mums, even if that means just a quick chat now and again. I have had four kids and never done an nct class in my life, but I've found apps and parent/ toddler groups a good place to meet people.
If you don't want to join anything like thay that's absolutely fine and they shouldn't keep on at you but bear in mind you may feel differently once you're at home with a baby, especially if you chose not to go back to work.

InsideOutandBacktoFront · 14/10/2018 11:37

I am also on maternity leave from a job that i don't particularly like, so i feel quite content not having to get up for that each day. My partner works from home so he is around in the house too. He is quite introverted too and doesn't socialise much (just like me, he is content being this way) but nobody seems to hassle him about it! Maybe as a woman i am expected to be more sociable. I just find socialising draining and i feel like i want to spend the whole time wanting to get back home again.

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 14/10/2018 11:38

Sorry, read that again, you have the baby already. I got bored once they were a few months old of being stuck in and I found it was good for my kids to be around others their own age as older babies/ toddlers.

Tillytrotter123 · 14/10/2018 11:43

My baby is 8 months old and I’m completely the same as you. I can’t think of anything worse actually and I’m more than happy going for walks, seeing other friends and spending time with my baby. I’m sure in the future I’ll have to do things like that but whilst she’s still so little I’ll avoid it whilst I can. As long as you’re happy don’t feel guilty that it’s just not your thing.

InsideOutandBacktoFront · 14/10/2018 11:43

Chocolatecoffeeaddict that's the thing, i am perfectly capable of changing my life if i don't like the way it is. I will join a group if i feel compelled to, i just don't want to at the moment. Just can't see why it's such an issue for other people. I am also planning on joining groups once the baby is older and needs socialising. I don't see the point right now as she's far too young to even be aware of other children.

OP posts:
Gnomesofthegalaxy · 14/10/2018 11:57

I'm exactly the same. On mat leave, baby now 14 weeks and I am absolutely loving not having to deal with people everyday. I find my job so draining, not because of the work but the constant interaction. Partner also at home a lot and not keen on people either. We see a few people from time to time, got a couple of friends with babies, couple without, MIL once a week etc.

It's nonsense that babies this young need to be around others. My son is the happiest, most content baby ever and I'm sure the fact that I'm happy helps that.

MrsTumbletap · 14/10/2018 12:03

I hated toddler groups and things like that, I went to a couple and I felt sooooo uncomfortable.

If you are happy and that is they key thing here -if you are happy- at home with your baby and your dog then that is all you need. Enjoy it!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 14/10/2018 12:26

I agree there's no benefit from her being around other babies at 4 weeks old, I meant older babies and toddlers. My 2 and a half year old has some behaviour problems and delayed speech and was advised to join some groups, since then she's progressed so much. But at 4 weeks old she's perfectly fine to be with just you, as long as you are happy then that's the main thing.

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews · 14/10/2018 12:44

I had PND and on everyone's advice I went to lots of baby groups and events. It made me feel a million times worse. The happiest times from my maternity leave were doing what you're doing, my daily walk around the woods with the dogs. I ended up quite friendly with two separate older ladies with their dogs and would end up walking around with them and it was really enjoyable. It didn't feel forced, it was fresh air and exercise and valuable bonding time talking gibberish about dogs and trees to my baby.

Fatted · 14/10/2018 12:48

If you're happy, out and about generally doing your own thing, then don't bother.

Personally, I don't understand or like this whole thing about having to be friends with other mums. I spend all my time surrounded by my kids, doing kids stuff. I don't then want to spend what free time I have being around other mums talking about their kids!! I want to spend my free time with other people who I actually have shared interests and something in common with! To get a break from being a mum!

InsideOutandBacktoFront · 14/10/2018 13:11

Thanks for the responses. It makes me feel less odd when i know there's others out there like me.

OP posts:
PurpleMac · 14/10/2018 15:13

YANBU. If you don't want to go, then you absolutely do not have to.

That said, being a new mum can be very isolating and it is helpful to have a support network. I never got this from baby groups etc but from my best friends who already had young children.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/10/2018 15:28

It sounds like they’re doing this from a good place - worried you’ll become isolated and depressed if you’re on your own a lot. Just reassure them that you’re fine with your own company and the baby and walking the dog but will stay open minded about groups if you do find yourself feeling in need of company.

Have never found people become “offended” by introverts - unless they just don’t understand what introversion is (i.e. not social anxiety, shyness or low self-confidence.) If anything, many self-professed introverts seem to think their way of being is superior to extraversion, which they decry as loud, annoying and attention seeking.

user1484424013 · 14/10/2018 19:17

My baby was born 10 months ago and I also have 2 daughter's 10 and 7. I hate people not being a bitch but all the fluffy chat annoys me.

Didn't even do antenatal because I just like to get on with life.

I have my husband and my mum and family.

The thing is I have been called a weirdo. For not doing antenatal and told also I am a lazy mother for not attending baby groups. Sorry wtf do I want to do that for.

I don't need or want friends the ones I have had over the years liked me because I was the fat one. No longer fat or bothered and they soon cut me off when I decided to take the no bullshit approach.

Now with this bundle of gooey joy she has had a hard start ( her daddy my hubby has advanced stage cancer) I have been run off my feet carer. Single mother. Learning all about fucking cancer and radiotherapy and chemotherapy and I am knackered and can liteally do a 20 hour day. I begrudge none of it he is my life so if walk scorched earth for him and my girls if it means helping them. But it was suggested by a member of his team I take some me time... (hate that) and wait for it..... ATTEND A BABY GROUP TO GIVE ME A BREAK....WTF WTF WTF.

As you can imagine I turned the air blue... Yes wait I know I'll go and sit with the perfect mum's with perfect life's. Yeah no thanks...

Nothing better than sitting in the setee with my jelly belly and singing and fake dancing and laughing in between getting ice for my hubby for his radiation burns.

Sorry to rant on your post just can believe the amount of twaty dicks who think us mama's all need a bloody baby group plus after 6 years of doing school runs it's made me more adamant I hate people 🤣🤣🤣🤣

busybarbara · 14/10/2018 19:25

Not to make other people happy but to make your child a healthy member of society perhaps. The research shows a child's ability to socialise and integrate with others is mostly defined by age 4 so if you rarely go out you could be limiting their social life as they won't go to school till then.

yikesanotherbooboo · 14/10/2018 19:35

I am an introvert;;I didn't want or feel drawn to groups at all with my first DC but with DC2 and a tiny toddler I did find they gave the week structure and distracted me and DC1 on wet days. We used to go to the park A LOT. And children naturally mix and watch each other there. Groups are for parents imho , nothing wrong with that at all, but if you are not benefitting there is no need to go. I don't believe your baby will come to any harm.

Polarbearflavour · 14/10/2018 19:35

I’m really not a people person, people annoy me!

candlefloozy · 14/10/2018 19:36

When my dd was four days old (?!) my mil insisted that I went out for a walk. I'd had an episiotomy and forceps delivery so obviously was very sore and struggled walking. My mom lives close so On her insistence I walked to my moms the following night for tea. Should be a ten minute walk. Took half an hour. When I got there my dad took one look at me and said you look like I death! I felt it! So he drove me back and it really took it out of me. I said to husband I should have never left the bloody house. Some weeks later mil said how she had to get out of the house when she had her son because she hated being inside. Which obviously was why she was so insistent on me getting out. I told her that actually I liked spending the days inside and that when I wanted to go out I would. She's never said anything since. Some people just try and inflict things on you because it would make them feel better. If you just explain they might understand. It's not as if you're inside all the time and never leaving the house!!


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tillytrotter1 · 14/10/2018 19:47

*Didn't even do antenatal because I just like to get on with life.

I'm sure you're me! We were abroad, MOD, and when the time came to go to hospital we had to buy a map, it was 80km away and we'd never been.
For No1 I was the first of my group of friends to pod so I managed to avoid all the tedious baby talk, I was actually criticised by older mothers we knew because I made it all look too easy, I was too laid back.
Do your own thing, babies are a boring topic, I worked on the principle that looking at some of the people who did it, how hard could it be?
It seems that in the last 20+ years people make it far harder.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/10/2018 19:56

I've spent the majority of my maternity leave just pottering! I don't think I could do it forever, but knowing it's only a few months I am enjoying not having a structure or routine as it will change when I go back to work. I do a swimming class as it makes me go - I know I could tske the baby swimming every week but somehow it never happens.

I think babies under 5ish months don't get anything at all from groups anyway - they either want to sleep or feed or be held not dressed up and sang to for more than a couple of minutes at a time. For mums of young babies it's more for the mums to get out the house and see people - but if you're not keen on that (or the whole fake friendship thing just based on things you have in common and comparons of sleeping patterns etc) the it's a lot of money just to see other people you don't want to see!

I don't regret not joining more groups with either of mine

RedBlu · 14/10/2018 19:58

I am the same, I just don't like people really!

When DD was first born we did the baby groups and I hated them. I had no interest in involving myself with the cliquey mummies that attended, we had nothing in common other than having babies of roughly the same age.

I do have a small group of "baby group friends" but we meet up very infrequently.

I am the only one if the group who went back to work full time and since then I just don't have time to attend their "meet ups" as if I want to attend I need to take the day off work!

Also DD doesn't attend nursery and not interacting with other children has not caused her any problems.

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