Should I forget this friend?

[Cookiemonsterdidit]

I have a been friends with a lovely lady for at least 10 years. She is someone i always considered to be a 'best' friend. I love her and her family and would do anything for her. I have recently started to realise though that it is always me who makes the effort to stay in touch. She never phones or arranges meeting up. I really can't remember if it's always been like this. I think we used to meet up when the dc were little as we'd go to groups etc. and arrange stuff then. Now our dc are older we rarely bump into each other. I still phone and ask her if she wants to do something together but she is often too busy (only works a few hours a week and dc at full time school.) It's not just me though, she makes no effort with our other close friends. I don't know why I feel heartbroken but I do. Don't know quite what to do - should I leave it?

[Lovethetimeyouhave]

You could leave it, or you could accept it for what it is, shes a friend but shes more of a home body maybe?

[Womaningreen]

if she makes no effort generally, then do you feel she's the sort who would help in a crisis?

I prefer having a few friends, but the sort who would help in a crisis! I'm not really a "go out for the sake of it" type.

[Cookiemonsterdidit]

I would have said she was the sort of friend who's be there in a crisis, but it's been so long now since we connected i think I'd feel presumptuous and ask another friend. Feel really sad typing this.

[Merryoldgoat]

I had a friend like this (I posted on another thread recently).

We were very close I thought and I really loved her. However, I started to realise she never initiated contact. Always seemed pleased if I did but never did herself.

I was moving house and starting a new job so I decided that I’d not contact her and see if she’d contact me, as it would be a normal thing to just text a good friend and see how the house move went, or the new job was going.

It’s been 4 years 😔

I still feel sad sometimes but I’d rather not have anyone in my life who doesn’t want me in theirs.

[Womaningreen]

aw, goat, I feel for you.

OP I know what you mean that you wouldn't want to ask. I dumped a friend because of this - I didn't realise I was just part of her social landscape, so to speak, till I was injured and after a few days of her sending texts with reasons she couldn't visit (home, not hospital), I foolishly asked her to. She then came up with more reasons and I realised I was only of interest to her when I was on full form, so to speak.

Should have realised that before.

If you immediately feel you'd not call her in such a situation, then I'd say that you should wait for her to contact you and see what happens.

[BananaBreadHead17]

Hi I’m on the other side of this, I’m the friend who didn’t make an effort to see my best friend and I lost her through it. I was so wrapped up in my own problems and anxiety issues that I lost sight of what was important and now I don’t talk to her. It’s such a shame because I genuinely loved her to death (and still do) but it’s my own fault. Selfishly I guess I wanted her to reach out to me but something was holding me back from actually doing it myself. Maybe there’s something going on that stops her? Either that or she’s just abit selfish? I don’t know. I wish I hadn’t been like that.

[Hellywelly10]

If you have friends in common perhaps invite her to group stuff birthdays etc, but initiate less 1-2-1 contact.

[DisplayPurposesOnly]

she makes no effort with our other close friends

So it's not about you... But it could be about her? Or it could be she's moved on from all of you? It would worth trying to find out.

You could try saying (nicely) "Right, I've got us together this time - and the last 3! Next time it's your turn." I had to do similar with a friend. Surely good friends can say that?

[starzig]

Some people aren't really phone people or organisey people ( I know, i am one). It is how you get on when you are together that is important. If you don't organise she may eventually text you but might take a while so it's up to you how long you wait.

[Cookiemonsterdidit]

It's very tricky. I kind of feel like I should leave it and see if she does contact me. I would then know how important I am to her and if she does want to see me. But then I risk losing her altogether (dramatic, but I really do ;love her.) @BananaBread I appreciate your point and worry there is more going on and I should persevere. But then will she just see me as a pain who she is trying to distance herself from and I'm not getting the message?