To retire at 42?

[milkandcrisps]

Obviously not actually retire. Here is my situation. I have no family at all and no partner and few friends.

I am considering having a child. Because of my age I would have to do this with fertility treatment.

I have thought and thought about how I might be able to work with a child and I’m not sure it’s possible. Nursery costs are too high. Plus sometimes I have to do anti social hours.

So - I am considering retiring aged 42. If I took even five years out it’s unlikely I’d get back into my line of work. I don’t think I care as I hate it but am I mad??

[ImNotonLinkedInNo]

''@ImNotonLinkedInNo. People don't 'get' it because it's nonsense.''

She owns a house outright. She is in a better financial situation than three quarters of the people telling her her plan is nonsense.

[ImNotonLinkedInNo]

@ilovesooty and [confused[ that you have two different hats on for something that should be consistent, universal and authentic.

I find my experience at work and the life lessons lived learned shared digested, and knowledge from psychology and philosophy courses does affect the way I post. I used to pride myself on being a chameleon in my 20s and 30s but now I am striving towards one hat.

Luckily, 11 years ago my psychotherapist understood that it was imperative to tune out society's expectations and identify and then listen to my own voice, and as another poster says, live with the outcomes of your own choices. There isn't just one way of living and if the OP has the freedom of stepping out of the race to pay mortgage repayments then she is free to approach life and its usual constraints in a different way. Wealth is not the same as security. The trappings of a high income are not essential. People can if they have the security that the OP has live on a relatively small income especially if they have their eyes wide open going in. The OP does. She also said she's not against getting a job later, but she's planning for the worst case scenario of not beign able to find a job. So far from being cavalier, she's planning for the worst case scenario of NO extra income going forward, which is unlikely really.

[MrsStrowman]

This thread is very confusing. OP how many properties do you own one or two? I get your renting in a more expensive area now. If you do have two could you sell one (I know one of them can't be sold but could the other?) Downsize to a flat or similar and use some of the excess equity as a cushion? If you only own one property and can't sell the one you inherited, you will either lose the £450 income of you move in there, or will have that income but will need to pay your own rent, even if in a cheaper part of the country that's not doable on £500 a month, when you know you wouldn't be entitled to benefits due to your property ownership.
You've said you could get some freelance work etc so might be able to top up, how much can you charge and what's the market like for freelance? My aunt is freelance and earns very well and has to turn work down, so if you're in a similar industry that would ask work out.
Without knowing the figures it's really hard to say if this is doable or not. For me this isn't about having a child alone plenty of people do and the children thrive, it's just about understanding the finances.

[VanGoghsDog]

@ImNotonLinkedInNo. People don't 'get' it because it's nonsense.

[ilovesooty]

There is a big difference between responding on a message board in your free time and interacting with clients in a professional capacity.

I don't "claim to be a counsellor" I am. I also have a full time day job where I have to deal with clients in a different setting and challenge perceptions that seem unrealistic or damaging. People react in different ways in different settings.

[GaraMedouar]

OP - good luck , I think you should try for a baby, do some freelance work and look to working school friendly hours when child is 4. We all adapt to what we have to do. I am a single mother with 3 kids, and you get used to juggling. I didn't choose to be a single mother but just have to get on with it.
I also agree as some posters said that as soon as you go to antenatal classes, postnatal classes, baby groups etc you very quickly make friends and get a little support network. I help out other mothers when i can and vice versa (e.g. I have phoned a mum to pick up DD and keep as I've been stuck in hideous traffic, emergencies happen, or I took another child in when mum had to rush to hospital with her other child).

[Beebopdooowopdo]

Ted, I’m also an adopter, I think OP recognises that she does have choices which is why she is posting. Yes we both know that foster care would be extremely difficult for a child but the OP is alone. Even if she stayed in her job, she would not have family to look after the child if she were hospitalised. Again, it is unlikely to happen. A child minder would not necessarily drop everything to look after a parents child full time for a few days. Not having family is not a reason for her to not have a child though.

For those suggesting she could adopt, I’m sure OP knows that and it is not a helpful thing to suggest. I can tell you now she would not be accepted as an adopter in her current state of mind and circumstances. Not her fault but true.

[Lalala89]

OP I am so sorry some people are arseholes on this thread. If you have done all the maths and think it can work for you, then do what makes you happy. You are the one that needs to live with the decisions you make. If I could offer some advice it would be perhaps do some online courses or something whilst the child is young, that was if a career change IS needed, once the child is at school you will be able to get part time work. Life DOES happen and it is important to have a little saving and spoilt yourself/your child once in awhile. They are a lot more expensive than you think.

I am sorry you have had a tough time, I can relate. Good luck

[ImNotonLinkedInNo]

I'm a single parent and I've never been hospitalised either. I did manage to find a job that worked for me, eventually, and before that I lived on what I had. But I had an advantage, in the same way that the OP does.
So many people are wages slaves for the sole purpose of paying off a mortgage anyway and they're not judged or told to seek counselling!

[ImNotonLinkedInNo]

@ilovesooty, yes I did single you out because your posts were more surprising given that you claim to be a counsellor. There are a lot of people out there in the world with no sense of themselves, no understanding that we're here to listen to our own voices and not to strive to please others. The OP came to this thread and she has a reasonable plan, she has to make a decision and at her age she should make it quickly. Naively perhaps I find it surprising that a counsellor wouldn't be supportive to somebody who is managing to tune out society's expectations and tune in to their own needs. That is goal of a lot of people who need counselling or therapy. So if you feel singled out that would be why. I have no high expectation that the majority of people 'get' this, and a lot of people on mn are very conventional and judgemental but it is surprising to see a counsellor approach posts in this manner.

[Shednik]

Couldn't you get a different job? And get help with nursery / childminder from tax credits?

[Ted27]

I'm an adopter, and have many friends who are foster carers so fully aware that most FCs are really rather nice, my point is not about the niceness of the FC but as you say, being separated from the parent, which is traumatising. My son can tell you about the impact of being placed in emergency foster care. Its really not nice, regardless of how wonderful the FC is.

Nor did I suggest a hospital stay is a given.

My point is that her assets and current salary level give her a range of options, some of which are to use those assets more effectively and to change her job to something more child friendly.

[Fairenuff]

OP before you give up your job, why not spend 6 months or so living of £450 per month (after rent and commuting costs). See how it is for you. Like a trial run. Try to put by the money that you would spend on the baby and see how it goes.

The rest of your wages could be added to your savings pot.

Try it, see if you can do it. That's the only way you will really know for sure.

[continuallychargingmyphone]

ted because she can’t pay rent childcare and other expenses thus staying in her current role is not an option.

I am confused as to why people are confused.

I have two children and have never had to stay in hospital. It is not a given. Temporary foster care is indeed frightening for children but what is frightening is being parted from their main caregiver. It is not that foster care in itself is horrific; it isnt, far from it. Most foster carers are really rather nice

I get that sooty but the selfish but don’t care didn’t read in the same way to me as it did to you. It read to me as recognising things weren’t ideal but that want, need for a child overrides that. I can understand that.

[Biologifemini]

I know several really successful women who chose to go it alone.
However I don’t think you are at all reasonable in assuming you can retire at 42. You need to think of the quality of life of the child and not yourself. If you are capable of working then surely you should be setting a good example to your kid.

[ilovesooty]

continually you have expressed that reasonably but I am human and I react in a human way sometimes. The OP had already said she was doing this for her and if it was selfish she didn't care, so in view of this I didn't feel I was unreasonable to feel that the happiness of the potential child wasn't paramount. And I do think the financial planning sounds unsafe and I think it's daft to say counsellors shouldn't think of future planning.
I would never, ever make the comments about friendship and future care giving which are truly horrible. Yet I've been singled out and those posters haven't.
Re namechanging the OP obviously has as is her right but it means that I am responding here to someone who obviously knows who I am but I don't recognise her, if you get my drift? That's disconcerting.

[Ted27]

Gloomymonday, I think maybe what baffles a lot of people on this thread, including me, is that the OP has financial security, assets, a job and skills, but seems to prefer the idea of living the most frugal existence, and subjecting a child to that, when she just doesn't need to.

Her remark about how dreadful would it be if her child had to go into care for a few nights and her insistence that she doesnt need support were the things that concerned me.

Its not just 'serious' illness that require hospitalisation that need consideration. I have not needed hospitalisation in years as a single parent, I have had two bouts of bronchitis, where for two weeks I really wasnt capable of looking after a child, fortunately mine was old enough to fend for himself.
I've been where the OP is, I'm a single mum by choice, I have fewer assests than she does, and earnt less than she does. There is no reason why she can't pursue the dream of having a child, but neither does she need to eke out an existence either.

[continuallychargingmyphone]

It’s horrible to be personally singled out sooty

I will be totally honest though and admit that I am disappointed with your posts. I would also expect a counsellor to be a bit more - insightful, sensitive, something? I don’t know. Yes perhaps that is unfair but no more so than posters claiming to be (say) linguistic experts then making glaring grammatical errors everywhere - people notice and challenge that anomaly.

As an aside with regards to name changing no one should ever have to apologise for protecting their privacy and that of their families.

love I want another child. Does that mean I am relying on them for my sole happiness or am I just like millions of other women who also want a child?

[ilovesooty]

Gloomy you have indicated posts which were much more unpleasant than anything I posted - thank you. The OP chose to have a go at me rather than reference those which I agree with you are horrible.
It's ImNot who chose to single me out on the basis of my work, as the OP has.

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

Everyone saying that you will be a wonderful mother because you will love the child. Nah. How do they know? They are just assuming that as they are good, loving (single) mothers (maybe) scraping by that you must be too.

But, that seems a bit of an assumption brought on by transference. There is nothing come through here to me about you being a loving great mother. On the contrary I find this a very depressing thread, as you sound monumentally selfish. All I am getting is that you want to grow your own friend to live with as (to paraphrase your words) your life is shit.

There is so much about what I have interpreted from your posts that seem so, so wrong. But to put it briefly in order not to be typing all morning, you seem to be proposing putting all your eggs in one basket. Gambling everything on the expectation that this child is going to be the answer to all your woes. That poor child, that is too much to put on the shoulders of one person.

[GloomyMonday]

Who's that directed at sooty?

I quoted borntobequiet

[ilovesooty]

I see we have another poster who's chosen to single me out for criticism when there have been more personally unpleasant posts as detailed in the post below hers.

[GloomyMonday]

• carer

[GloomyMonday]

"You really should be aware that your apparent inability to engage with reasonable people asking sensible questions and offering practical advice, as on here, will probably be a hindrance when you are bringing up a child on your own."

I think OP's been civil actually, in the face of some pretty harsh observations.

Did you see the pp asking her if she just wanted a child so that she'd have a friend, or the one asking if she just wanted to raise her future career?

Not hard to imagine that her drive for a child is every bit as powerful as a married middle-class woman living in financial security, with all of the same motives and hopes for the future. Many women in her position would have to shelve those hopes but due to owning property op may just about be able to make it happen and who can honestly blame her for wanting to try.

[ImNotonLinkedInNo]

@milkandcrisps I cannot believe the hard time you got on this thread. So many people are only locked in the being a wage slave because they are also locked in to a mortgage and you have the freedom to think outside the box a bit here.

I also think that you're being LESS naive than an awful lot of women (myself included) who earned a reasonable salary before having a child and thought they could 'get back in' after five years. It couldn't be done in my situation either, but because I hadn't envisage that I wasn't perceived to be naive because...... I hadn't been as aware of the harsh reality!?

Also, let's be very honest, working costs money as well as bringing it in. Smart clothes for work, coffees, tights, collections, drinks after work, sandwiches, ready meals cos you're time starved.

It is a privilege to own a home outright and that offers freedom to think outside of the box. If the OP had a child there is, as she says, no reason to be a prophet of gloom and expect that she NEver BRING in any income again, she probably will but she's realistic enough to know it won't be as much as she's earning now.

I ended up being a single parent (again, nobody judged me BeFORE, they judged me afterwards I guess) so maybe OP you're just getting judgement first rather than later! Get it out of the way so.

Go for it NOW. Don't wait until it's too late. You don't need approval. I'm amazed a counsellor can't see that worrying about the future is pointless. You have a reasonable plan and you need to act NOW.

Thousands of broke single mothers somehow make it work and you have an advantage over most of them with 20 years worth of contributions to a pension and the freedom of owning your own home.