He told me to move out of my family home.

[Dinoraw]

I have two under two at the moment. The youngest is all me and the oldest is all her dad. Anyway, he was gaming (as usual) and they were both screaming at me. Now I have a really bad migraine and an auto immune disease that's currently flared up hugely, I'm struggling. I do all the house work. I get no help. Some days he won't change a single nappy. Waste of space, yeah? Its been getting worse. So my children were both crying and their needs are worlds apart entirely. (youngest 10 weeks old) so I have to tend at one at a time. I asked him to read our oldest a story to get her ready for bed and I got "in a min" while he played his games. So I shouted (I shouldn't have. I'm a terrible mother) at my daughter because it was a temper tantrum and she had hit her brother. An anyway, I lost my temper and dp was screaming at me for something and I told him to shut up essentially. My migraine is killing me, I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm struggling. So he told me to move out of my family home I'm renting!
I took ds upstairs as he was being horrible to him, not comforting him while I bathed dd etc and I settled him down for the night and I attempted to take the oldest to put to bed. He wouldn't give her. Since then dp has been in and out telling me I'm in the wrong and I need to apologise for snapping but do I really?
I get no financial support.
Not much support with the kids.
He leaves me to struggle picking up after him. If I ask him to do something, he never does. I have to wait 7 working days.

An to top it off, it's our anniversary today. The plan we had went out of the window because I'm sick of his shit now.

Recently I've discovered some of my worth back and some lust for life. I've applied to do a course with Open University to better myself and my life for my kids. I'm sick of having to sell all my jewellery and keepsakes to pay rent. I don't want this for my kids and I've lost everything. But I've seen the light now and seen who he really is. A leach and a burden.
I can't help but feel sorry for him for his turbulent childhood but I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do as he will be homeless and I don't want that for him. But I can't be with him.

Any advice on how to go about this? It's breaking my heart but for my sanity, I can't go on. For my kids futures I can't go on.

[Eryngium]

Yes, it is abuse. It doesn't have to be the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the world for something to be abusive. Abuse is more complex than saying cruel things or hitting someone. It's about power and control.

"Has your partner ever kept you short of money so you are unable to buy food and other necessary items for yourself and your children or made you take out loans?"

"Does your partner blame his use of alcohol or drugs, mental health condition or family history for his behaviour?"

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

You can call Women's Aid on 0800 2000 247 24.

Once you get past this practical stage, which WA can help with, you may find doing the //www.freedomprogramme.co.uk helpful so you can make sense of what's gone on and avoid it in future.

Good luck and take care.

[Motoko]

OP ring Women's Aid, they can help you with everything. Also, tell your friend, regardless of what she's going through. I'd hate it if my friend thought that I wouldn't want to support her because I was going through a bad time. You can both support each other, that's what friends are for.

As a pp said, getting his name off the tenancy is not as simple as just taking it off, so you need proper advice which Women's Aid can give you.

Did you contact the council today?

[mediumbrownmug]

You could ask him to go to counseling (on his own) and if he refuses, just pack your bags and take your DC to a shelter if you have to. Get into counseling yourself, get your self-worth back. But whatever you do, don't marry him in this current state. Regardless of whether what's happened fits the label of financial abuse or not, it isn't a healthy relationship pattern and it needs breaking one way or another. You should look at some literature for co-dependency. It could really help you break this cycle in either this relationship, or in a new one. Best of luck.

[Hont1986]

To all the people saying "just take his name off the tenancy" etc:

OP has said it is a proper tenancy that he is named on. He can stay there until they are both evicted, since they are almost certainly jointly and severally liable for the rent.

Of course, once OP is evicted her family can turn right back round and rent it back to her alone. But it doesn't sound like she can afford to rent it on her own anyway.

[AcrossthePond55]

So, as I understand it you are renting from your relative. But that it's 100% a 'business-like' arrangement, no special favours can be expected as far as reduced rent. But would they accept housing assistance from you if you could get it from the council? I'm in the US so don't know how it works. If so, would they be able to 'evict' both of you and then rent the house back to you? Or would evicting you both get you a higher priority on the Council list?

[PossiblyPFB]

X post it appears it’s your side you’re renting from. Agree with stopping the internet of at all possible and also contacting Women’s Aid.

[PossiblyPFB]

Are you renting from HIS family?

[Juells]

Yes, I wondered as well just how small your mother's place is if she can't squeeze you in for a few weeks in an emergency.

[AcrossthePond55]

And don't be too sure about your mom's being out of the question. I'd gladly sleep on the living room rug if I had to in order to be sure my child and grandchildren had a roof over their heads.

[Juells]

I'm not trying to throw a dampener, but if he's her partner - even if it's her name on the lease - will the police actually help? Would she not be better off giving notice that she's leaving the flat? She may be able to get someplace cheaper elsewhere, it would be easier to shake him off if she's given up the flat and gone to a shelter for a week or so before moving somewhere else. I just don't see how she'll get rid of him from the flat they're in now, he'll feel he has rights there.

I may be completely wrong... hope someone else comes along with better advice.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If your family have turned on you, the simplest way is to stop paying rent tbh. Then if your waste of space partner doesn’t pay, you’ll get get evicted and housed in temporary accommodation by the council and you can ensure it is without this oaf. I’m not saying this lightly and I know it’s not a situation of your choosing. But it is a possibility.

[Mxyzptlk]

Get advice from Women's Aid or Citizens Advice, on your rights for getting him off the rental agreement and out of the house.

[OftenHangry]

Talk to Womens Aid. Abd good luck x

[Barbaro]

Get your family to remove his name. In the meantime, cancel your Internet provider. He can't play many games or download anything without it. While he's out one day too, just delete all the games on there and claim ignorance.

Once his name is removed, call the police and have him forcibly removed as he won't go quietly, or at least they are there to protect you and your kids. Make sure you get your key back. And just throw him out with his stuff.

[Dinoraw]

My mom is, I'd give anything to move back in with her but with two children, there is no room unfortunately. Worked out some finances, I don't have enough to rent anywhere else, especially close to my mom. My family I'm renting off have taken a turn on me since my brother's passing and they aren't nice anymore so I need to get on the council ASAP which I'm doing tomorrow without him. I hope so. I'm finally starting to feel like me again now. I'm seeing my friend that I haven't seen in years on Wednesday (she doesn't know about this, she has enough to deal with) I want to buy myself things but can't afford it at the moment with him here. I finally feel of some worth again now.

[Moominfan]

Op well done on your course. Going to dust a Mumsnet favourite ducks in a row. If your going it alone your going to need a support network, is family within travelling distance? Is moving closer an option. Have you worked out your finances? Once your rid of this drain I think your in for a turbulent but really fun and satisfying time xx

[Dinoraw]

I just want to ask.. Is it really financial abuse that I've had to sell all my things? I've lost everything through this. I made a huge mistake with him and I'm left so so damaged. Not anymore. I've woken up a bit. Just need the support.
But I've noticed to, he's always cared for. Not by me. By his family. New £90 shoes etc. I'm left with the same three pairs of clothes for a year. It's not on anymore. I can't have my kids growing up thinking this is okay. It isnt anymore.

[Dinoraw]

Exactly. They're sick of his mess and cleaning up after him. I'll def try to get the agreement changed. I'll have to chase up my family. They live quite far away so I'm not sure how easy it'll be immediately to do it. It was the red flag. He did nothing but scream at our youngest. He was unplanned, my contraceptive failed and we found out really late (I'd have done something about it if I'd have found out earlier, but now looking at him, he's my entire world aside from our oldest) I think that's probably why. I do really really need the support. I feel like I have no one else. I don't want to tell my family or his right now. I just want to be alone with my dcs.

[rollingonariver]

Placebobebo has hit the nail on the head. They're sick of his shit too.

[rollingonariver]

Can you go to a woman's shelter?

[placebobebo]

You rent from family so it will be easier to change the agreement to in your name only.
The only reason his family are pressuring you not to leave him is because they don't want him pitching up on their doorstep. They want you as a buffer for his shit behaviour.

[Imelda03]

Sorry I may have read wrong but did you say he was being horrible to the youngest (10 weeks old)? That for me aside from everything else would be a red flag and I'd be gone. Please get some help and support ro leave, he sounds abusive and controlling as well as lazy.

[sexnotgender]

As you rent from family can they make him leave? He sounds like an arsehole and you'd be better off on your own.

[ChasedByBees]

Can you take legal steps to remove him? I’m not sure what they are but worth investigating.

[Dinoraw]

Hey all, yes I rent from family but there are no special agreements and it's a proper tenancy agreement. I don't pay my rent, I get evicted that sort of this. Both our names on the agreement. We were engaged. For the past few weeks I feel like there's no point to. On jsa so doesn't really contribute so I'm barely getting by. I'm ready. Just don't know how to go about it. His family pressure me all the damn time about him "oh don't leave him type of thing" which is a hassle I don't need so I need to do it as privately as possible. We spoke last night and I told him it wasn't going anywhere and I was fed up of him and wanted him to leave. He won't leave