DD allergic to cats, ex won’t put cat out

[AngelL7]

I don’t know where to turn, I was hoping that anyone could offer advice or if anyone encountered similar.

My DD is 6, she has severe asthma & eczema. She has started to come back from ex’s house with swollen eyes, oozing puss and wheezing. The first time she was delivered back to me like this ex pretended he could not see her eyes were swollen and making out I was being over dramatic (literally the size of golf balls & crusting over with green puss)

DD was able to identify herself that it was after coming into contact with said cat and told me that my ex had been giving her antihistamines to try & remedy this (I was never made aware she was given medicine or suffering from allergies when down there, but it comes to light this had been happening for over a year) Had to take her to GP for creams, drops & antihistamines. GP confirmed that it was allergies and advised to avoid contact with cats.

I politely told ex this and gp advised avoid contact with cats. He said he had now put cat outside & completely scrubbed house down. I also pointed out it was his responsibility to inform me of any medication given while in his care to avoid overdoses etc ...he told me he wasn’t obligated to tell me that because he asked a pharmacist and the pharmacist said it would be out of his system in 5 hours so it would be irrelevant because it would be more or less out of DD’s system by the time I got her back 😳🙄

So anyway after the next visit my DD is delivered to me in similar fashion as well as drowsy from antihistamines. Turns out cat was in the whole time so ex lied to me.

Again I asked ex to keep cat away, explaining my fears about asthma. It got heated and he said the pharmacist didn’t think DD is allergic to the cat at all and GP doesn’t know what they are talking about.

This now happens everytime DD come back to me, covered in hives, sore eyes and now today a really bad chest. It’s getting worse and I’m so afraid of a bad asthma attack. Antihistamines obviously aren’t working. I have begged & pleaded with ex but he won’t have it.

Desperate i spoke to my solicitor (we had a very bitter divorce but had been getting on much better of recent) and she advised to try and get a gp letter to confirm she has an allergy to cats which she would pass on to his solicitor if I really couldn’t get through to him. I’ve exhasuted all options I think. I went to GP but got different one - he wouldn’t give me a letter because I should be able to talk to ex husband with out it & he wouldn’t be getting involved. Although he confirmed that DD has an allergy to cat. (If I could get ex to understand I wouldn’t be in asking for a letter in the first place 🙄)

Solicitor said a court would take a dim view that we couldn’t sort out ourselves (and I agree) but if he won’t play ball what Can I do?

I’m at my wits end and exasperated - how can he put a bloody cat over DC’s health? AIBU?

[lunar1]

Take a picture before she goes every time as well, before and after.

[windchimesabotage]

This makes me so angry. I have a severe cat allergy (despite loving cats sadly) and I cant be in the same room as one. Antihistimes work to help me if im in a house which has had a cat in and has cat hair, but the cat is in another room. But they wont help at all if the cat is actually near me.
As a child many family members just thought I was frightened of cats and should be encouraged to bond with them. I spent a great deal of time being unable to breathe and covered in weeping sores and hives. Im pretty angry about that to this day.
Your ex is an absolute dick for putting his cat above your daughters needs.

Can you text him a picture message of her after every visit where the cat has been around her? Then you have the pictorial evidence but also evidence of the date and time the photo was taken and sent. Could also do this via facebook live video via messenger. That deffo shows date and time that video is actually being shot.
I think as PP have said its just about gathering evidence. Find a doctor that will confirm in writing her allergy and email a copy of that to your ex so you have a record of doing so. Then document any time he exposes her to the cat in his care.
After doing that if he is still continuing to do it then I think you should stop contact.
Struggling to breathe all the time shes at his house will be effecting her psychologically and she may end up with anxiety or other issues like that. It really is horrible when people wont believe you are ill and try and convince you that you are just being precious.

[Renaissance18]

Please do not let her visit until the cat has gone and all carpets and upholstery are treated.

I had my first asthma attack at 28 because of a cat and ended up in hospital as inhalers etc did nothing to relieve. I had always been itchy and sneezy around cats but did not realise how serious it was until it was almost too late. I was terrified.

Asthma and allergies are serious.

[ozymandiusking]

The GP can do a simple blood test to assess whether she is allergic to the cat. I suggest that you strongly request one.
Quite simply your ex has no right to be treating her medically and not telling you. Under these circumstances, don't let her go to him.
Tell the social workers.
See a solicitor.
Stop messing about.

[LearnFromThePast]

Sadly if it is his wife’s cat, even with evidence I suspect he will just not see your daughter any more. If he can see her in that state and still shrug his shoulders then it says a lot about him and I say this as a cat lover. I would get the tests to prove it is a cat allergy and then stop her going there. He will then have to discuss things with his wife or see her outside of their home.

[givemesteel]

Devil's advocate - would pictures of hives and bloodshot eyes make a difference in court as how would you prove it was from the visit. Can't hurt but if op is stopping contact she might not have this evidence.

Practically speaking it may also help if you can ascertain if your DD is allergic to cats only when the cat is physically there versus whether she is allergic to the being in anyone's house who has a cat. Not everyone is so allergic that they can't be in a place where cats have been, but obviously others are.

I say it because if she is indeed allergic to being in houses where cats reside, she can't visit her dad so long as they have a cat.

Could you go to a friend's house who has a cat to test it out (sorry to suggest something that brings your DD more pain)?

I just think that is important to find this out in case it goes to court.

Also pay attention to breed. I have long haired cats which a lot of people seem to be allergic to, who aren't allergic to your average moggy.

[Graphista]

It's an immunologist you would need to see.

[MrsOvarall]

Putting the cat out and cleaning won't help. The cat has to go. Diagnosis is quick and simple.

Ask for an appointment with the specialist to explain the results and invite your exH in writing to come along. Ask for the specialist to put their recommendations in writing to both of you.

Good luck. This must be very stressful.

[AnathemaPulsifer]

You need to deal with this with the help of your solicitor. Stopping contact is likely to cause you huge legal problems. Insisting contact takes place in a contact centre or at a cat-free location would probably be much safer.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Stop contact until the cat is rehomed. It’s sad but she cannot be exposed to this.

[IntelligentYetIndecisive]

For someone who's allergic to something, each contact with the allergen exacerbates the reaction, making the allergy more sensitive to the allergen.

Less and less of the allergen is then required to provoke a response which becomes more extreme each time.

Whatever she's allergic to, it's at the ExH's place.

Proper allergy testing is required.

[alpineibex]

How can he believe it's not the cat?

Wtf does he think is causing it?

[GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough]

I wouldn't let her go. I have cat allergies which are horrendous! My eyes itch I sneeze and I can't breathe I have to take strong antihistamines and have an inhaler. I am awful at my mil house she has one cat and it's not usually around but I still react!

[MardalaRhyme]

Whereabouts in the country are you? You need a paediatric allergist or failing that an immunologist. Anyone who can do skin prick testing and will see children.
Ring their Secretary first to make sure they are able to do the testing.

[Glitterbaby17]

Have you taken any pictures of the hives and her eyes when she comes home? If not you should as these accompanied by allergy confirmation will be sufficient evidence for court. If you can get an appointment soon I’d be tempted to continue contact documenting via photo then stop when have letter

[Ellendegeneres]

Sorry op. As you can tell I had similar stuff with my dc. I hope you’re able to get your dd seen fast and stop visits until results are back and she is able to fully be protected from this idiot of a man she has to call her father

[Ellendegeneres]

four it’s moronic comments from people like you that had me isolated and fearing I was not in fact doing best for my dc when I was told isolation from illness was the only way he would stay alive- because idiots like you think people can outgrow immune system diseases and by being exposed to more will in fact not kill them at all, but in fact help them.
You make it sound like it’s in the ops head or that she’s overreacting- it’s neither. You want to risk your child’s life, that’s on you, but the people with actual experience and knowledge in this area will carry on with the actual advice and not giving mindless pointless comments. Fucking idiot

[Mxyzptlk]

Does it matter what causes the wheezing etc? Being at the ex's house is dangerous for her.

If you are still sending your DD there, get pictures and video of her, before and after, then don't send her again.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hope you get the allergy test and stop your evil ex from further endangering his daughter's life.

[BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot]

They tend to be dermatologists who double up as allergen specialists

[lunar1]

Glad you are going to see a specialist, and privately you should have confirmation pretty quickly. As soon as you have absolute props stop contact immediately.

Keep taking pictures. The more exposure to an allergen, the more antibodies you can build up, potentially meaning the reaction can become more serious with each exposure.

[JamesBlonde1]

I agree putting the cat out is no good. I’m allergic to cats and dogs and I can tell that as soon as I walk into a house with one (even if it’s not present) I KNOW one lives there. I can smell/sense them.

If he wants contact he gets rid. I haven’t read the full thread but if there is no court order in place to breach, tell him no contact until the cat is gone.

Document all discussions, including with the useless GP and just wait til he complies or goes to court. Contact needs to be in the best interests of the child and if it’s causing her to be ill then it’s not is it?

He’s an idiot. I can’t believe he’s putting a fucking animal before his own daughter. I remember this as a child with other relatives. Oh no it won’t be snuggles the cat making her I’ll. It fucking is!!

[brownelephant]

op you need a gp with allergy interest.
if you are near london, the portland and great ormond street are great. slternatively call bupa or nuffield (big private chains)
or google your postcode + paediatric allergy testing.

[BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot]

Stop contact immediately. I am allergic to cats and each time I'm in a house with one my reaction gets slightly worse than the previous time. Don't risk it. Let him take you to court and seek advice from an allergy specialist in the mean time

[LoniceraJaponica]

"tbh I would try to see a gp for an allergy test.
and stop dc going there."

Definitely do this. It is a simple blood test. DD (17) had a blood test for general allergies recently and she had a lovely letter from the GP telling her that the proteins reacting to cat hairs were off the scale.

Armed with such a letter you would be perfectly within your rights to not allow your daughter to stay with her father.