My 4 YO DD can’t/won’t wipe her arse. AIBU?

[Imnotposhjustquaint]

To think she should?

I’ve spoken to her school about the fact that she needs help when wiping her bum. I’ve taught her how to do it and also told her how important it is that she’s made sure it’s clean when she’s finished.

The thing is that she seems embarrassed and doesn’t want to ask for help to wipe off her teachers which I can understand but when asked why she doesn’t do it herself she says that she doesn’t want to get poo or wee on her hands.

I’m at a loss with her, I got her changed out of her uniform and she told me that her bits were sore so I got her to wipe the excess off and then put her in the bath. When I got her out of the bath she still had bits of poo in her bits so I suggested that I try and get the tricky bits out. She point blank refused to let me clean her down there as she was still sore and wanted to do it herself. The thing is that she doesn’t have the dexterity to get the poop that’s in her little crevices (for want of a better word) which in all fairness wouldn’t have been there if she had wiped her backside properly at school. Part of me thinks it’s laziness and part of me thinks it’s bevause she genuinely doesn’t like to get poo on her hands etc. She was very sore tonight and didn’t want me to clean her because of this. Eventually managed to gently clean it all off.

AIBU and expecting too much or should she be doing this by now?

[DoJo]

Would it be worth putting some cream on in the morning before school, something greasy like sudocrem to help the residue to sort of slide off as it were?! Mine had a bit of a problem in as much as he seemed to have quite sticky poos that were taking a LOT of wiping to remove, but a bit of preventative cream made it easier and helped with any soreness as well.

[aRespectableBureaudeChange]

I wouldn't worry at all or think about it until beyond 7. All different and averages never tell us much.

[isthistoonosy]

obv we knew they could physically wipe before we started this

[isthistoonosy]

We have had some issues that nursery have taught the kids to shout for help and wait for a bum wipe. We just started to shout back - so it went

kid - finished
us - and - do you need help
kid - yes
us - why do you need help
kid ummm
us - can you not reach the paper / have you lost your bum / did your hand drop off / etc
kid - ummm no - so then we remind them dry wipe dry wipe, wet wipe wet wipe

at that point they know to ask again, only if the paper is still dirty and of course we will then help. But that is really rare.

It has taken a while for them to unlearn the habit but we are getting there and they normally just have the conversation with each other now.

[Qvar]

No YANBU and actually, it's NOT normal to still have to wipe a physically and mentally average child's bottom at the age of six.

[Imnotposhjustquaint]

@toonosy no she doesn’t have messy poos at all. They’re always very solid. She never complains of stomach aches etc either.

[isthistoonosy]

Oh we have a 'rule' one paper for front and a seperate paper for the back.

[isthistoonosy]

I'm a bit suprised by the other answers both of mine (just 3 and 4.6) are on the whole fine to wipe themselves (normal paper most of the time) and it is very rare they have dirty pants or sore bums. Although we had a dirty phase when the 4 yr old was three but it was short lived and sorted by having wet wipes available (which they still are).

Does she tend to have wet / messy poos - could that be diet / tolerance related maybe?

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

www.nbcdfw.com/news/business/CONSUMER-REPORTS-ARE-FLUSHABLE-WIPES-FLUSHABLE-237585911.HTML

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Avarsarala No, they have been shown NOT to dissolve.

[https://www.nbcdfw.com/news/business/Consumer-Reports-Are-Flushable-Wipes-Flushable-237585911.html]

[SweetMoon]

She's only 4 so it's perfectly normal she doesn't wipe properly yet. If she's in reception then usually there is a ta aswell as the teacher and one or the other will help deal with this. I'm yet to meet a reception teacher or ta who wont help out in toilet situations at this age!

I'm sure by year 1 she'll have got the hang of it. If she is consistently coming home sore and pooey have a word with the teacher as they may not know she isn't wiping properly and can then help her out so to speak.

[Whereisthegin1978]

I really wouldn't worry - my 4 year old is similar and I still help her. She's my third so I'm fairly relaxed that there are no issues and at some point fairly soon she'll get it! If my first had been like this I'd probably also be worrying, although I think I still check wiped at 4. It just takes some longer than others.

[HeyRoly]

Could you suggest that she doesn't poo at school?

That's TERRIBLE advice. If you have to go, you have to go, and you should never teach a child to get into a habit of withholding. They'll either soil themselves or get constipated.

OP, my DD is 6.5 and still tries to get out of arse wiping as much as possible

One thing that springs to mind is that wiping back to front is the problem. I know front to back is advised but admittedly is difficult for young crack handed children (pun intended). But she must be wiping back to front if she's coated in it and getting sore - poor kid.

[Vibe2018]

Sounds very normal. She's only 4. My 6 year old still does this - in his case its laziness or forgetfulness.

[mathanxiety]

My DCs all went to school in the US, where they were still in preschool at age 4 (Kindergarten started the following year for them).

The teacher and TA used to wipe if any parent requested help for their child. This was considered far preferable to the issues caused by poop in undies, including itchiness and resulting scratching and children getting dried poop on hands and in food and mouths, families (and teaching and TA) getting worms, tummy bugs, and the need for daily disinfection of toys, writing materials, and classroom surfaces.

There were disposable latex gloves in the bathroom for the adults.

[BlumAndFlip]

This is the lesson. Wipe until the paper is clean. Nothing else.

If you have a plastic doll/baby doll put some yellow burger mustard on it and show her how to wipe it off. The mustard shows up on the loo roll - but not as much on the doll (ie unlike face cream/something darker).

This will show her that there you can see if the mustard is gone not by looking at the doll's bottom - but by looking at the toilet paper. Paper clean = poo gone.

I had to do this will DD - she thought just waving the paper vaguely in the right area was enough. Even waved (literally - did not actually touch any part of her) several times blocking the loo once she used to much waving paper . Once I showed her that she needed to look at the paper things started to improve.

[Earslaps]

I still remember being round a friend's house where DS was playing with her DD, they must have been 4 or 5. The DD went to the toilet then reversed into the room (complete with a reversing beep like a van), knickers round her ankles and said "Mummy, can you wipe my bum for me?".

We had quite a few friends round to play in Reception and Y1 for both DC who asked for a hand with wiping, including grabbing their ankles so I could get good access. I do wonder how many of those I'll still know as teens and whether I should remind them of that in future...

It's a hard skill to learn and I don't think small children's hands reach all the way round easily.

[OutyMcOutface]

Could you suggest that she doesn't pop at school? My three year old regularly needs s but if help wipingbut he doesn't poo at nursery so it's not an issue there.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My dd didn’t want to wipe either. For years. It will pass. Eventually. She’s 9 and rest assured mummy no longer wipes her bummy!

[StillMedusa]

If it cheers you up any I was definitely still 'check wiping' all four of mine at that age, and some took longer than others!

DD2 was very keen to keep my services, and was 7 before she finally consented to sort herself out (she never went at school). How it came about was a bit of tale... she called me up 'I've fiiiiiinished..' I grabbed a wipe off the windowsill (before we knew not to flush them) wiped, left...
A few minutes later 'Mum my bottom stings!' Hmm odd. Went back up to check her and realised I'd just wiped her bottom with bleach wipes !!!!

She never asked for help again!

[RazzleDazzle3]

Back in the 70’s when I was the same age and was starting school I too didn’t like to wipe.... my nan said to my dm “don’t worry that’s not a problem, that’s what the teachers are there for ” didn’t help my dm and the worry....

[Namechangerextrodinaire]

@shouldwestayorshouldwego

My DD who is 6 is horrendously bad at bum wiping. Im still heading up that department.. probs till she's 16ish

[Mistoffelees]

I'm a teacher and when I was in reception I would expect children to mostly wipe themselves but I or my TA would do a last checking wipe if needed or a complete clean up if any child got themselves in a right state. I can't imagine leaving them dirty and uncomfortable all day

[Imnotposhjustquaint]

@shouldwestayorshouldwego you’ve described DD to a T!

Funnily enough, her nickname is ‘Anne Boleyn.’