to ask where to turn, elderly grandparents

[supermariossister]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, don't know where else to post and Im at the end of my rope. My grandparents live about 15 minutes walk from me and my sister, hour from my brother in the car.
They are both 80 this year - both have various health problems and in my grandfathers case we believe early onset dementia.
Many years ago he suffered a broken leg and has regular pain in it, has had occasions recently where he cannot get up if he falls or out of a chair.
Grandmother has fibromyalgia and is in heart failure. She had an attack at the weekend and was hospitilazed for the week coming home this yesterday. She has refused any surgery so basically will be managed but the breathing problems will continue to reoccur.

My AIBU is where do I turn for help? They are struggling but refusing to have carers in and us three grandchildren are struggling to keep them safe and looked after as we all have jobs/children and my siblings have newborn babies.

Feel like im at breaking point this week between being at the hospital, making sure grandfather was eating/ getting him to the hospital and then today he had fallen and couldn't get up. Just don't know where to turn and how to persuade them that we cant go on like this them included.

[Kingsclerelass]

My mum was like this, heart problem,wouldn't tolerate a carer, found the whole idea an insult. And I lived an hour away.
But she did let me book her a gardener to do two hours on a Tuesday. No-one in a uniform but she liked seeing the garden tidy. And the gardener agreed that if she didn't answer the door, he'd ring me. Then she had a hairdresser once a week and Farm foods delivery 2 days a week, and a chiropodist. All of whom had my phone number. Apart from the help, it gave her a reason to get up and tidy.
Then she had a call pendant in case she fell. And the phone.

We managed like that for about 7 years.

[SnobblyBobbly]

CMOTDibler has said what I was going to suggest.

Inform the hospital of your grandmothers situation at home before she leaves hospital and ask if a reablement package can be arranged.

If it’s the same as in my area, this will involve an element of care at home which is for a limite time (usually around 6 weeks here) to see them get back on their feet. It may also involve a visit from a reablement co-ordinator who will discuss care options/benefits/local support organisations which they can access.

Often it can act as a trial in regard to carers, where they get to sample how it can work and see for themselves the difference it can make - and all on doctors orders which removes relatives from the choice.

[stephanielittl7]

Supermariossister im in the same position as you with my Gran. She doesnt want carers coming in and expects me to do it all. I have a brother living with her but hes another story. She has had ss in but as others have said if they can make their own decisions then they wont do anything. I think you have to keep telling them you cant do it anymore and tell them they will need carers in because you are going to make yourself ill and then you wont be there anymore to look after them. for you

[Snowysky20009]

Contact Age UK.first thing they need done is a benefits check to ensure they are getting everything they are entitled too.

[Doctordonowt]

This is a very common occurrence and usually SS will not step in unless the people concerned agree to a visit. It usually means waiting for a crisis and in the meantime relatives live in a constant state of fear and exhaustion.

The first thing to do is to ring the elderly care unit at your LA. Tell them that they are vulnerable people who are a danger to themselves. Usually SS will telephone and try to persuade them to accept a visit.

While there are relatives taking care of them they will step back and wait for the inevitable to happen. Unfortunately very little can be done to persuade people to accept help. They truly believe that they are managing.

[Gazelda]

You aren't being a dick. You are making enquiries to ensure your GPs have their best care that is available to them, while also making sure your DC have all the love and attention they need too.
I presume your GP's daughter is your aunt? Perhaps you could speak frankly to her and explain the situation. Maybe get her to be the 'bad cop' and set the ball rolling with Social Services? She needs to take some responsibility too, and take some of the burden off your three.
You're a fabulous granddaughter, you love them, you care for them.

[Tapandgo]

Yes ~ other family members should be involved ASAP. You are doing the right thing.

[CMOTDibbler]

You aren't being a dick, you are ensuring their safety, and ability to stay at home. Once I started parenting my parents it was easier to deal with things tbh

[supermariossister]

It is really hard, things havent improved today if anything they have got worse. Ive noted down the number for adult social care and occupational therapy so am planning to ring them tomorrow. Do i need to tell them who i am? she will really fall out with me if it gets back that it was me and im scared to fall out with grandmother as it then leaves grandad fending for himself so to speak.

Wondered if it was worthwhile speaking to brother and sister and granparents daughter ( lives 8 hours away but has been down recently and seen how things are) and having a list of concerns.

I feel like a massive dick doing this, but something has got to give before one of them gets hurt or worse.

[sixteenapples]

The elderly parents board is helpful,

I too am in a nightmare situation with a parent and have encountered much of the same. My half-term has disappeared because I have had to care for my mum who had another fall. Can't cope much longer

[honeyroar]

We had similar problems with my mil when she lived at home. We had social services come round and they told her she needed a carer if she wanted to stay in her own home. She seemed to listen to them more and accepted it. The carer firm also came round while we were there and did an interview about how they could help. The lady that owned the care firm and the carers themselves were so friendly that she relaxed into their care amazingly quick once they started.

I'd go for the button/buzzer around their neck too.

Good luck. It's very hard. But you do need to insist on some help at this point. Cruel to be kind..

[Maverick66]

Contact Social Services.
They will be entitled to carers.
It is a difficult subject to broach with their generation but it is for their own safety.
There is a thing called Direct Payment ( where I live in NI) which allows you to take control of budget for carer yourself. It means you can employ one person to call each day rather than different carers every time iykwim.

[CMOTDibbler]

My dad (mum has dementia) didn't want carers. I got tough and told him that they had to have them, and that if they weren't having carers that the hospital wouldn't discharge mum (not a lie entirely, but a slight exaggeration). After the first lot, he got used to it, and its been much easier to add to their care package with time - and they are still both at home.
If you speak to the staff on the ward, they can put you in touch with the hospital social worker and even though they won't press carers on them if there is family around to do these things, you can use their words iyswim. My thoughts meant nothing to dad, the nurses saying they needed things were taken as gospel!

[Gormless]

Sorry you are going through this: it’s so hard. What I would say that helped in a similar situation I faced with my elderly parents is that I made a deal with them that they’d ‘try’ the carers for two weeks and could then refuse to have them if they still didn’t want them after the two weeks. It was a risky bet but it worked: the carers were brilliant and they wouldn’t be without them now. I think what helped is that it meant my parents still felt they had a little control over the situation. Whatever you do though, try to take care of yourself too: this is a trying and exhausting situation for you too.

[SciFiG33k]

sorry I have no advise OP as I live abroad and not sure the system there. I know how tough it is though as I am one of the primary carers for my 90year old GM who lives alone and was also to my 91year old Nan till she died last year. It's really tough and you have my sympathy. Good luck getting help for them.

[meredintofpandiculation]

There's an "elderly" board on here which has lots of information, also stories of people in similar situations which helps with the inevitable guilt when you feel you're not meeting their needs.

[kathrynelizabeth3005]

One suggestion if it isn't already in place is to get them a pendant alarm for emergencies. You may know the type of thing but if not, it's a little red button they can wear and they press it if they have a fall. It contacts the 24 hr call team who have your details (anyone you nominate to be an emergency contact) and they then call and see if you can go round.

My grandma has one from Lifeline24 (just google them) and it's amazing, and gives me peace of mind as she has had falls in the past and couldn't contact anyone. I would really recommend them.

[BelleandBeast]

It sounds like you are doing a great job but understandably, at breaking point. Where are your parents in this, do they have involvement/views?

[Toast3]

I found Age UK to be fantastic when I needed help and advice with my Mum. An advisor came out to us, assessed my Mum, worked out what she was entitled to (both financial and care related) and also filled in the forms (a mammoth task). The thing that helped the most was that I already had power of attorney so was able to set these things up and do things on my Mums behalf. They will advise on that too if you haven’t already got it. Good luck to you 👍

[ClareB83]

Promise them you'll help choose carers, check references and drop in to spot check them. But they do have to get them.

[supermariossister]

You are right they are scared, its awful but i try to explain to them that the good carers and stories dont often make the news whereas the bad do.

[supermariossister]

I do have children just mine are all 10+ so easier to take back and too. I know you are right its just so bloody hard theyve been like our parents since mum passed away 5 years ago and i hate letting them down but we are all really struggling and they still need more care than we can give.

Grandad maintains he is fine, but he is very rigid and set in his ways, they bicker a lot which doesnt help.

[Tapandgo]

Well that leaves the GP then if there is nobody else they trust enough to help them towards a solution that suits all. The GP, with your permission, could also let them know that your health is suffering now.

You need to persist in ‘pushing them’ for your own sake as well as theirs. They will be suspicious and afraid as many older people are of being ‘institutionalised’ or at the mercy of ‘bad’ carers. (Sadly some rare but horrific stories of career abuse has been hitting the press recently)

[JustKeepDancing]

If you are concerned that your grandfather has dementia, it may be worth contacting his GP to express your concerns and to ask for a referral for testing. It's worth considering as it may open up options of support as well as various medications if he does have it and keeps developing symptoms. If your grandmother has been discharged from hospital then she should have had an assessment to make sure that she was well and able enough to go. If she is not home yet then you could speak to the discharge coordinator and express your concerns. They may be able to implement a short term care package which could help your grandparents to see that the extra support is helpful long term.

Unfortunately if they are both capable of making their own decisions then aside from speaking to social services to raise specific concerns (eg if they are at risk of harm by not eating or taking medications etc) you're very limited. It may be worth sitting down with your grandparents and siblings and trying to explain that you are not able to care for them as you would all like, and that you would like to look at other helpful options (a cleaner, housekeeper, carer to help with medication on mornings, a befriender, sorting power of attorney etc). I'd also suggest this as a way of ensuring that your siblings don't leave the care and support to you, if you are the only one without children.

Age UK might be useful to call too.