Asked Dad for help

[Fullofqs]

Hi All,

I'm having a tough week in general with a lot of things, but wanted to vent on here about one thing that's got me down.
I am currently 14 weeks pregnant today, and I am 27 years old. My biological father left my mum and me when I was 2, and I had no contact with him throughout my life until I decided when I was about 20 I wanted to find him. I got his address and posted him a letter, and since then we had contact. about 1 year after we met again I moved about 200 miles away to be with my current partner and father of my child, and always try to see Dad once a year when I visit, twice if I can afford to. He has a wife (who's lovely, not wicked stepmother at all) and 2 daughters with her, I love them all dearly. I still live far away but try to visit as often as I can.
My Dad and his wife seem very well off, they both run their own businesses, have a big house with a hot tub, man cave with pool table etc etc, and buy expensive xmas presents for us (although I tell them not to, as we cant afford to do the same for them so we feel guilty)
Anyway, I have never asked Dad for money - ever. I have always made a point that I don't as I didn't want him to get the impression that I was using him for money, but this Christmas really hit me hard, and my other half has struggled to find work as hes self employed and we live in a very rural area. So we have had almost no food for about 2 weeks, no heating for about 3 weeks and I'm struggling to keep the electric meter out of the emergency.
So on Tuesday I asked Dad to borrow some money, I said if he cant its fine as i know everyones tight at the moment but explained it was for food heating and electric to show it wasn't for frivolous things. Next day arrives and he hasn't replied, I text him to ask if he received it and he says he did but will text me later about it as he wants to speak to my stepmum first, he also says they have been really busy as they had a security issue with one of their businesses at the weekend, so I obviously feel guilty straight away that I've nagged when they've got a lot on their plate, so I let him know that's fine and I'll speak to him later (and give my sympathies about whats happened).
It's now Friday...and that's the last I heard from him. I don't ask for money form anyone if I can help it, but if I do it's because I really have no alternative and it's necessary. It's really upset me that he has blanked me since, I get that he's probably had a lot on, but I'm not asking for a lot, and I have told him I will pay him back as soon as he wants.
Am I being unreasonable? If I am, go easy as I'm feeling pretty fragile. :)

[Motoko]

You're welcome. You'll get through this, and be stronger for it.
I had my first baby in the middle of July, he's 34 now!

All the best.

[Fullofqs]

@Motoko thank you for all your suggestions, I'll definitely look in to them :)

@GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz
I am due mid July (but first babies are often late) so I have a little while to try to get things sorted. We have managed to sort out a gas bottle and electric (and didn't have to borrow for it, OH took on some extra work) and some food to keep us going for a few days until I can sort a food bank referral. So we've managed without Dad (again). Your replies have been really helpful Glitter, and have really helped me to not be a victim feeling sorry for myself any more but be more determined, so thank you

[MatildaTheCat]

He’s the loser in all this. I’m so sorry, it must hurt very much to be rejected all over again.

The man is an arse. Please don’t go back for any more of this horrid behaviour. I hope you get straight soon. Do use all the brilliant advice here and on other threads on saving money and getting by on very little. It won’t always be this hard. Do speak to your midwife if you feel low, she may be able to offer some good support.

[Calvinlookingforhobbs]

I am not well off at all but if even a neighbour was pregnant and struggling and asked me for help I would do all I could to help her. Your dad is an arse and karma will catch up with him one day. I’m so sorry. Take care.

[GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz]

@Fullofqs
Despite everything, you sound very grounded and quite cheery really, which is great.

You'll see that food banks aren't all depressing miserable places. You'll manage.

When is your baby due by the way?

You could use this thread whenever you feel down and need a little pep talk.

For some reason I feel quite attached to you despite it only being through a screen. You sound like a good person and its lovely you're so close to your mum. I'm sure you'll be a great mum yourself. Lots of warm wishes to you

[Motoko]

Definitely speak to the midwife and ask for a referral to the food bank. Also, ring your utilities providers and see if they can help. If I remember correctly, water cannot be cut off, so you could delay payment to that bill. The priorities of bills to pay are council tax, rent/mortgage, food, gas, electric.

Have a look over at MoneySavingExpert.com. Check out the debtfree wannabe forum for advice on budgeting, and the old style forum for advice on keeping your grocery bills down, and how to cook on a budget.

Jack Monroe's blog Cooking on a Bootstrap has lots of recipes using cheap ingredients.

Good luck, sorry your 'dad' has let you down again.

[Fullofqs]

*day and age can say they

[Fullofqs]

Your post makes a lot of sense, KC. I know he will be wondering about why were having a baby if we don't have the money, but realistically how many people in this day and age cans at they were completely financially stable when they had a child? It wasn't this bad when I first got pregnant, it's just the time of year and hopefully won't last long. Reading people's responses has hardened me a bit, and made me see that I was right all along to not rely on him in the past. I'm not going to cut him out of my life, I have 2 amazing sisters that have done nothing wrong so if nothing else I will keep the peace to be able to spend time with them. But my ideas that dad was a changed man because he's been such a good dad to them and that he would treat me the same have been totally demolshed by his actions (or lack of) this week. x

[KC225]

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. It's only natural to feel down. You are worried about finances, your partner's
/mum's health issues and now you have come to realise that your Father was not there for you growing up and is not there for you now. That's a lot on anyone's plate.

I imagine he is puffing himself up with 'if they can't afford food/heat now why are they having a baby' speech. Ignoring the fact he has never paid a penny towards your growing up. I doubt if he will mention it now, if he does it'll will be along those crappy 'learn to live within your budget/teaching you a life lesson' brush offs.

Don't ask him again. Sort yourself out, sell stuff on eBay/Gumtree. Look on free cycle for baby stuff. Accept second hand stuff. Babies need surprisingly little. Sounds like its more cash flow, so hopefully once it's over the next few months you'll be okay.

When you have your baby, you will look at that tiny bundle of helpless humanity and wonder how people walk away without a backward glance, (as my Father did and my best friend's Father did to her) but you know now, he is not there for you and he will not be there for you child. You don't have to go NC but as the poster above said, think of him as a distant Uncle, not as the fantasy Father you wanted. As hard as it is, maybe he has done you a favour. You know what his true colours are now and you don't have to writing a post about how distant he is with his grandchild in five years. You can protect your child from that.

[Fullofqs]

Exactly Lyra, thanks for your reply. If he doesn't want to or can't help me out I don't have a problem with that, I can make other arrangements. But waiting around for a reply for days means I haven't been able to sort something else out just in case he came through. I didn't want him to give it to me, he would get it back. And it took a lot for me to even ask, I've always been very stubborn not to ask for anything from him more for principle than anything else. So to go back on that was big for me. I won't be doing it again, and I'm not going to be contacting him again unless he contacts me first and addresses why he didn't respond to me. It's just common courtesy to let someone know. My OH said the other day he's a good actor, and unfortunately for once i agree with him.
The whole thing has been the icing on the cake, as I've been very down for a couple of weeks with a lot of other things (pretty much every aspect of my life is getting me down at the moment) so this just topped it off. Think I might have to mention to the midwife how I'm feeling as been feeling very dark for a while now.
Thanks for everyones kind words x

[LyraPotter]

If I knew someone I loved was struggling to buy food and electricity I can't imagine being busy enough for it to 'slip my mind'. Making sure you have enough to survive isn't just another boring chore to be ticked off the list.

If he can't afford to help you then fine - but the least he can do is tell you so. If he just doesn't want to help then frankly I think he's a bit of a bastard. He was responsible for you when you were a child and he abandoned that responsibility like a coward. The least he could do now is help while you're struggling.

If I were you I would cut your losses with him - he wants you on his terms, he's not really willing to be a father to you. In terms of getting you through this rough patch I would speak to CAB about any benefits or entitlements you have, and I would speak to a food bank. I hope you're back on your feet soon love x

[Fullofqs]

Wow I have a lot to reply to, so sorry everyone for my late response, I didn't manage to get back on lastnight as my OH is T1 diabetic and we had a medical issue we had to deal with with that.
I think there's a few things I need to address, someone said we have 1 child and another on the way, that's not the case, I am pregnant with our first child, so it's just us :)
I do work full time in an office, and my OH is currently working and has been for the last month, but doesn't get paid for the work he has done until the job is finished and he inputs his invoice, so we're both trying the best we can with work but it doesn't seem to be paying off at the moment. We are not entitled to any benefits at all, I have looked in to it, apparently I "earn too much", and were slightly over the threshold so get nothing.
I haven't been to a food bank before, so I will mention that to the midwife and see if we can get some help with that at least, so thanks for the suggestions there everyone :)
I will mention I still haven't heard anything from dad, I haven't bothered him again. I am not upset that he won't lend me money, I did state to him what it was for so he does know we are desperate. I am upset however that he has ignored it, I have been ignored by him almost all of my life so it really struck a nerve that he could do that, I thought he was better than that. Whoever it was hat said about leopards and their spots has echoed my mum - she has said that about dad many times.
Mum can't help, she is an absolute angel and I love that woman with every fibre of my being, she had surgery in November/December sometime and was unable to work for 6 weeks after so she can't afford to help me at the moment (I'm sure she would if I asked, but I asked her to buy something for baby last week for £15 and she said she couldn't afford it as she wasn't working much and needs to get back up to normal money again) she also paid a bill for me last month which I am paying her back for so I don't want to ask for more.
I know I need to sort out my finances - trust me no one knows that more than I do. But the issue wasn't why I needed the money, the issue was the fact I needed it at all for things that I need to survive and was blanked.
I'm going to see if I can sell anything to get some quick cash, hopefully that will help.
Sorry if this post comes across as blunt, I don't mean for it to sound snooty or anything, and not sure if it even does. Thank you everyone for all your comments, I have been reading some people's posts in floods of tears because they've really hit home and cemented that I'm not the one in the wrong, I was wondering at one point if I had overstepped some mark. My dad and I (I thought) had a good relationship prior to this, he's always loving when I do see him. But I did get the feeling when I last saw him at Christmas when I told them I'm pregnant that he wasn't best pleased, his reaction wasn't negative but it wasn't much of a reaction at all. And the rest of the visit after that for the next 2 days I felt he was more distant with me than he usually is. When I asked my OH if he noticed he said he wasn't paying much attention (surprise surprise, lol )
But thank you for everything you have all said so far, it is genuinely appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read the post. All the best everyone :) if I've missed anything I'm sorry!
P.S: Glitter, can you be my best friend? laugh x

[PitilessYank]

YADNBU!

Does he know that the money would be used on essentials? Maybe he doesn't realize how desperate your situation is?

You sound like a very nice person. I am galled on your behalf that he treated his first set of kids so poorly.

[usualGubbins]

Blackteadrinker77 yes I agree that contacting the OP is what a reasonable parent would do. However, the dad has proved himself to be totally useless to her all her life, so I doubt if he is going to change at all. One or two others have said that the OP's OH has to step up somewhat and I think that too. They have one child, another on the way and things aren't going to get any cheaper. It's winter and they have no heat or food. That is no way to live with 2 people supporting a family.

OP, again, you have my sympathy, maybe now is the time to move away from the rural countryside to somewhere where jobs are more plentiful?

[Tanaqui]

IF your dad never paid any maintenance then he is probably a shit dad (v rare exceptions). I would text your nice step mum, explain you didn’t mean to offend him and only asked cos you are pregnant, and drop him in it (and you will see from her reaction if she is actually nice).

Then ignore them all except for Xmas and bday cards, maybe a little present for your sisters if they are young; and focus on you, your baby, and your partner- he needs to step up and get some money coming in now, even if it is overnight shelf stacking. Also see if your midwife can refer to a food bank.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Oh OP, you are in a difficult spot. There's another thread at the moment about a father's relationship with his daughter but this is not the same thing at all.

First of all, I think you need to ask your mum if she can help you out temporarily. Then, as pp said, your husband needs to look at getting some money into the household for his family. That is his responsibility as much as it's yours but you are pregnant at the moment and have other issues.

Now as far as your dad is concerned... I can fully understand why you got in touch with him, you wanted to see if you still mean anything to him - and you do/did as you were in contact. From your dad's point of view you're an adult albeit you're his daughter and he can see that you have a husband whose business isn't supporting his family - and the first thing you think of is to ask him for money. You follow that up in your thread by saying that 'he can afford it better' but that's not the point and as far as he's concerned, you're 'patting the deep pockets'.

You sent him a text for this money? I ask because you mention that you'd asked him if he received it - and he said yes. Why wouldn't you have telephoned him? Asking for money is a personal thing and it should be done in a personal way - particularly if you don't have an easy relationship yet.

The posters telling you that 'that's it now, cut him off' are doing very much what you'd expect those who are just in it for the money to do. Back off at a refusal or lack of speed in responding. This in spite of the fact that you said to your dad it was ok to say 'no'. He hasn't said no, he's just not responding quickly.

All that said, your dad should have sent you some money. Straight away, without delay. No argument about that. I would have done that.

You have a need urgently so it's time to get some interim help. Can you get referred to a food bank? Delay payments (other than mortgage, etc.)? Can your husband get some temporary work somewhere else? Can you work/do you work? Could you help with the business so that your husband can go out to work?

What I'm saying is that you have urgent needs to sort out - put your dad and your relationship with him on a backburner for now.

I hope your cashflow issues can be resolved more quickly than you fear, OP.

[Merryoldgoat]

There aren't many people that I wouldn't help with money in your situation OP - for my children I'd be going to extra mile.

[BewareOfDragons]

He already owes you for the many years he wasn't helping support you.

I'll admit, I do wonder why on earth you wanted to pursue a relationship with a man who (f)actually abandoned you, who appears wealthy and gives his '2nd family' everything they want, but won't even help you with food and heat when you're desperate.

I'd walk away from the relationship if it were me, unless there was a way for a solicitor to make him pay all the back child support he owes your mum for you.

[Splandy]

To an outsider, this is really simple. Your dad isn’t a good dad to you. It makes me feel really sad that you’re almost beating yourself up and feeling guilty about asking your own dad for something, having to give all of your reasons. It sounds almost like you are grateful to him for giving you these tiny scraps of attention! When you consider that he never tried to find you or pay for your upbringing in any way, you do NOT need to feel guilty about asking him, any guilt should be on his side. My parents regularly paid towards my gas bill over winter when I was a single parent because they hated the thought of us being cold or going without because I was worried about affording the bill. That’s what a normal parent does in that situation if they are able to help. I’m sorry you’ve had to find out this way, are any other options available to you right now?

[Whiterabbitears]

The fact he's not replied means he's avoiding the issue, just like he did for your whole childhood OP. Men like this are an absolute disgrace, walking away from a child and then after SHE found him as an adult ignoring his pregnant daughter in hard times. I don't know how he can live with himself. OP I would see him as a lost cause and you need to seek help elsewhere. Can you get referred to a food bank and get some help with benefits?

YANBU to ask your dad OP, he owes you for his neglect of you as a child. I hope things work out OP

[Blackteadrinker77]

@usualgubbins I get your point but wouldn't you then be ringing them and talking to them about it?

Getting them to fill out an SOA to see where they can cut down etc. You wouldn't just ignore the fact they have no food or heating.

I can't wrap my head around that as a parent.

[barefoofdoctor]

I'd make contact with him once more asking to borrow this money then knock the whole relationship on the head if he says no or doesn't reply. Don't waste anymore time or energy on this fucked of a 'man'. He should be travelling to you not you treading on egg shells around him. Can you find out how to access a food bank?

[nousername123]

I've never asked my dad for anything and even now, i can't afford to pay bills let alone eat, I've had no offers. Makes me laugh because he said he's never got any money but buys lamb and beef on a regular basis. We are literally living off of chocolates and biscuits that we received for Christmas. My mum is a saint and has helped us all she possibly can. My step dad has lent me £100 so I've got fuel in the car for getting to hospital when I go into labour (soon hopefully). If you lived round the corner from your dad do you think he would see you more? Do you always initiate contact? Sounds like he's not interested in taking any responsibility for you and never has. Yes you are an adult but you're pregnant and need to eat, he shouldn't even have to consider it. He should lend you the money x

[expatinscotland]

Your 'dad' is a glorified sperm donor. Think it's time to cut your losses. LOL at all the 'maybe he's not as wealthy as he seems'. I'd sell the shirt off my back if I knew my child was going without food or power or heat.

[Didntcomeheretofuckspiders]

I have nothing productive to add, others have said it all but didn’t want to read and run.

Hang in there OP