To ask if this is extreme regarding 'entertaining' 3YO?

[YoTampoco]

AIBU to ask how much attention is 'normal'/ reasonable to give a 3 year old child? For example, is 7am - 7.30pm being pretty much entirely geared to keeping the child entertained normal? Or would some 'downtime' be reasonable at that age, as in maybe some time amusing themselves and not continually being amused by the parent? Or even just a small amount of time to be allowed to be a bit bored? The situation I am referring to is to the point where nothing else can be done when the child is around, not even having a shower or sending a text message, because they are the absolute focus of attention at all times, from jumping out of bed the second they stir in the morning, right through to bedtime.

I don't have DC so am prepared to be told that IABU, but I do have friends and family who have them and don't necessarily think that they are quite this 'extreme'. I would be interested to get more views though.

[strawberrybubblegum]

If her parent is avoiding screen time (a very good thing!) then proper chunks of time with them doing their own thing isn't realistic for all 3 year olds. Mine only really started being able to do it around 4.

For pp who say they need boredom to develop creativity, I'd say that's when they're bit older. Forcing 'alone time' on a child of 3 who isn't ready for it isn't going to achieve much in the way of development. They are developing creativity at age 3, but may well still need adult scaffolding for that development task!

And I wouldn't jump to thinking that it's too much attention which is causing her to develop an attitude. Bad behaviour is generally caused by too little attention rather than too much - particularly if it means that attention ends up being given when the child misbehaves (ie to tell them off). Children need and crave attention, and they will willingly take negative attention over none.

Her behaviour change is probably due to age. There's a reason they get called threenagers...

[Sprogletsmuvva]

DP is main career during the week, as I work FT. Leaving aside evenings, I do most of the care of 2yo DD at w/ends. So although both parents live together, I suppose we kind of have a 50/50 ser-up. My routine will typically go:

Sat: 9am I wake up , DD some time later (we all co-sleep and are not early risers!) . BF, Tea & biscuits, and looking at photos for DD or internet for me.
10.30-11: I go to the bathroom with DD for a shower and dressing. Usually she has one with me (all-in, this takes bloody ages), otherwise she entertains herself in the bathroom (it’s a big bathroom) while we chat.
11.30ish: I sort breakfast. DD amuses herself in the kitchen while I eat, although this is sometimes more trouble than it’s worth.
12.30ish: We go out to get our veg etc for the week followed by a trip to the playground. I actually enjoy this, as DD burns off some serious energy and I’ not having to stop her doing anything unsuitable.
2.30ish: Light lunch and attempt to get DD to sleep. Eventually, I go off to Get a Few Things Done while the monitor is on.
5.30ish: If DD has woken up, DP might sit in bed with her for a bit watching TV while she plays with toys. Otherwise, off to the living room where she does some stuff separately but he also eg reads with her. In the meantime, I start dinner and BF a bit.
8.30ish: Dinner. DP helps DD with hers. DD can wander about after she’s finished, or watch TV or sit with a parent.
11pm: Getting to bed: change DD’s clothes & nappy, let her play with toys BF and chat for a few minutes.

I think we generally have quite a good mix of attention, tho realise I’m probably fortunate in DD (she isn’t clingy or standoffish). One thing I’m silently judge on is parents who don’t talk to their kids at all when they’ out & about . Having said that, I did resort to finding an obscure showing of her favourite programme when needing to get dinner sorted the other day, and am likely to resort to the ‘electronic babysitter ‘ more in future .

[YoTampoco]

nooka I do think having another one around would make it easier in some ways! They don't do screen time either, none at all, but that's not my business obviously and I never mention it.

I feel like I should also say that it's not because of the child's behaviour. They can be full on like any 3YO but in most ways they are as well behaved as you get - although we have noticed some slightly more demanding/entitled behaviour creeping in, which is actually partly what precipitated this thread as I think the two are linked 😕

[ocelot41]

Prior to having a child I would have said that was nuts. After having DS (who was just a whirling dervish of energy until about 5, I understand. It wasn't safe to take your eyes off him for even a few minutes as he would be in the knife drawer, out the front door etc. I look back on photos of me when he was that age and I just look so haggard and stressed. People who don't have kids like that just don't get it. It's relentless.

[plimsolls]

That took me so long to write it ended up as a cross-post!

[plimsolls]

Reading between the lines, I think you are wondering if your partner devotes too much attention to his/her child on “their” days, maybe because you feel edged out or annoyed if he/she doesn’t contact you.

If so, I think your OP is kind of a (mis) leading question as whether it’s reasonable to dedicate 100% of one’s attention every waking minute to one’s child is not quite the issue. Would it be more accurate to say “AIBU to think my partner should give me some attention as well as their child on their contact days?” But then, you wouldn’t get a resounding agreement with that question.

I tend not to reply to messages or get a lot of non-urgent stuff done on some days when I’m doing a lot with my daughter. When she’s busy playing or entertaining herself, I’d probably prioritise having a quiet 5 mins or making a cup of tea or something. I wouldn’t necessarily be at someone else’s command.

[bitofwhatyoufancy]

The 50% thing affects this I think, guilt at not seeing them half the week means you pack a lot more into the time you have. I'm a little like this with my ds who I co parent, not as extreme as you decide though. I can still get jobs done and go on mumsnet.

[YoTampoco]

It's not that I am demanding any kind of change; I love both my partner and the child and I'm genuinely not some evil stepmother type who wants to take the attention away or push them out at all. I just genuinely didn't/don't know how normal or sustainable it is, particularly if we were to have a DC ourselves at some point as we have discussed. The parent is aware that they do it and admits that it's not necessarily the right approach. I know it's a difficult situation with guilt and sadness at missing out on 50% of the time involved, so I do 'get' it in that sense, even if I don't think it's ideal. I also know it's obviously not going to be forever as they are only little for a relatively short time. I appreciate all the responses and viewpoints given.

[nooka]

I had 50:50 shared residency of my children when they were small and so I adjusted work and domestic stuff so as to get as much as possible out of the way on the days when I was on my own so we could have fun together. They still had plenty of non parent led time though, in fact one of the things I particularly enjoyed was listening to the two of them play together. One of the great pluses of having more than one child I think. I'd have gone crazy if I had to be child centred all day long.

[IWouldLikeToKnow]

Unfortunately I’m dealing with this with my son who turns 3 next week. It depends on the child. He needs entertainment constantly. If he’s not occupied his behavior is really bad. He is full of energy and cannot sit still. He’s always been this way. I literally can get very little done when I’m with him. He’s good when he has tasks to do - “helping” with household tasks, etc. but he’s never been great at entertaining himself....despite lots of toys. I know people judge this and say it’s my fault he’s like this but really all kids are different.

[Birdsgottafly]

", it's just the dedication of every waking second to their entertainment (and I'm not exaggerating) that I'm questioning."

Your potential Partner is Parenting the way they chose to, which is their right. But it is something that you'd have to accept, if you take things further. It's good that you are thinking about this, but not that you want it to change.

I'm a hands on Nan. So are a lot of my Friends. I (and them) devote the whole of our time with our Grandchildren, to giving them one-on-one constant attention.

I imagine a Shared Residency Parent would feel the same.

They aren't little for long.

[tiptopteepe]

depends on the child. My son is nearly three and he does sometimes like to play in his room by himself. Occasionally for up to an hour. He also loves to eat his breakfast sat at his little table in his room looking out of the window and he will do that for about 20mins. He does need some attention though and will come downstairs and find you to chat to you and try and get you to play cars with him.

My friends child is the same age and is much more high energy and although he doesnt want interaction he cant be left alone for any length of time because hed just completely destroy his surroundings.

I think it depends massively on the nature and personality of the specific child.

[YoTampoco]

No, I already said in the OP that I don't have DC of my own yet, but I do want to.

[LapinR0se]

Are you a Mum yourself already?

[YoTampoco]

No I'm not a stepmum but there's the possibility that I might be at some stage. The child in the scenario is lovely I should say, really delightful the majority of the time, it's just the dedication of every waking second to their entertainment (and I'm not exaggerating) that I'm questioning.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

Some kids are just hard work. Mine is very demanding of my attention and I go to work mainly to get a break from him.

Saying that, I also use him as an excuse for getting out of things I don't want to do, talking to people I don't really want to talk to etc, so it can appear that I am unusually dedicated to him.

[LapinR0se]

Are you a stepmum in this scenario?

[AFistfulOfDolores]

Boredom is an oft-underrated experience for young'uns. It helps them develop self-sufficiency and creativity - and, frankly, equips them to deal with the same when they're adults.

I'd definitely be giving them time to do their own thing - and also for the parent/s to be able to do their own thing too. Both are vital, imo.

[kaytee87]

Also it's not usual for a small child to split their time 50-50 with different parents. It's generally accepted that it's better for the child to have a constant 'home' and regular contact with the absent parent. This could be unsettling the child and making them clingy and unable to play alone.

[Splandy]

No, I don’t think it’s ‘normal’, but it’s exactly how my eldest was (and still is). I found it draining and I think it contributed to my poor mental health at the time. I can remember locking myself in a room to cry and having him outside the door kicking it because he wouldn’t do anything alone. At times I felt like he was drilling into my brain or suffocating me. I tried many strategies and nothing worked. He’s now ten and still exactly the same. He is unusually sociable and seems to have a need to be around other people and have constant interaction. He would rather lie on the floor shouting and crying for an hour than do anything to alleviate boredom. He follows me around the house filling his time by doing things like swishing his hair across the floor for ten seconds and asking what I’m doing now. Every ten seconds. The only thing he does alone is screen time. He hasn’t ever really played with toys properly and they are only used if he has friends over. It’s been that way for many years now.

My youngest is two and happily toddles off to play with things alone and amuses himself. I’ve treated them both the same and it is a relief to realise that I didn’t do anything wrong, but that is just his personality. I used to wonder how anybody could even contemplate having another child with a toddler because of the amount of interaction and attention he demanded. I now realise that his behaviour wasn’t typical!

I find it very frustrating when people assume that I must have provided entertainment too often and made him reliant on it, or that I haven’t considered just allowing him to be bored. I obviously don’t provide non-stop entertainment but he still wants it and does nothing for himself in the times that nobody is interacting with him.

[Ansumpasty]

That sounds extreme and quite bizarre. Can't be good for the child, either.

[PineappleScrunchie]

Constant entertaining, no.

Constant supervision - for some 3 year olds, yes.

[PinkyBlunder]

The parent in question has them 50% of the time

Maybe because of this the parent actually wants to devote all their time to the child? I’d probably feel the same.

3 year olds are funny creatures but it depends on the child. Mine was particularly demanding. It’s starting to pass now.

[jaimelannistersgoldenhand]

My experience of 3 year olds is that they are happy to do housework that doesn't involve tidying mess that they made directly- laundry, dishwasher, getting ingredients out of fridge etc

[formerbabe]

That sounds exhausting! How would you ever get anything done?!

At that age, it's reasonable to say
"Right, sit at the table and do some colouring while mummy makes dinner"
Or
"You play with your Lego, whilst I hang up this washing"