To be annoyed at PIL?

[bettydraper31]

DH and I have been together for 11 years, his parents live 5 hours away. Parents are very nice but very full on, you all know the type.

They used to come and stay with us a few times a year before we had DD a few years ago, and we also used to go up there a few times a year too.

Since DD was born (not their first grandchild) things have turned a little strange... they haven't been to us since July 2016 despite numerous invites. They attended DD christening in May 2016 but stayed in a hotel night before and drove home straight after the christening (we offered them to stay with us night before and night of, again declined). And they've not returned since.

But we are still expected and have been going there and it's starting to piss me off. They know hard it is driving for 5 hours with a toddler in tow, all the packing etc etc. They are both retired so can come down here as leisurely as they please but they just won't. Last time DH asked them down for DD birthday this year they said they had "plans". They go NOWHERE. Once a week to the supermarket, that's it.

I'm starting to resent this situation, I've discussed it with my DH but he hasn't outright asked them what the issue is.

And now somehow it looks like we're going up again over xmas holidays despite me now being pregnant again!

I don't want to go!!! I want to dig my heals in and say no.

Helllllppppppo!!!!!!

[bettydraper31]

Thanks everyone!! I'm just going to let the land lay for a while and see how things go. I made my feeling clear to DH and if he values his Crown Jewels he won't mention going up there again anytime soon! X

[Temporary2002]

Offer to pay for their petrol for the trip there and back?
Could the guest bed be uncomfortable?

[Bobbinsandthread]

We struggled to get PIL to ours - a long distance but they were retired and could take all day doing it - for us it was much harder. PIL said it was 'easier' for us to go to them, obviously not true.
However it was part of a whole thing of becoming very set in their ways, having to do things on certain days, no flexibility- staying at someone else takes a lot of flexibility- different times, foods - they weren't willing to partake in that anymore.

[bunbunny]

Do you think they're saying that because they have decided (for whatever reason - ill health, laziness, control, etc) they want you to go to them for Christmas.

They know that you're pregnant (I'm assuming from what you've said that you've told them!) and might not want to travel, so have decided that they need to come up with an excuse that will keep them away until after the baby is born and beyond - and will keep you going there.

What would happen if you said that you'd still love to see them so as their christmas present you'll pay for them to visit (train/petrol/etc) - would they accept it or would they say they want the money to go towards their bathroom? Even if you said you really really wanted them to visit.

Did DH have christmas at home when he was little? If he did, then it's worth reminding them that you want to do what they did - and have a special christmas at home so your dd will have early memories of santa coming to her house, a family christmas etc and that it's time they passed the baton over to you. Basically throw everything at it to try to get them to visit. And of course point out that you're pg and it's really not advised to spend hours in the car driving/being driven, your midwife has said (because I'm sure she will if you ask her to ) that it would be bad for you and the baby, and they wouldn't want any harm to come to the baby would they...

What would happen if you had a word with them and said that DH wouldn't say anything to them, but has noticed that something has changed and he's really upset and hurt that his beloved parents won't come to visit any more - he feels it's a personal rejection. Would that guilt them into sharing the reason do you think?

(And are there any other siblings that might be able to throw light onto it, or do they feel that they can't visit you because they don't visit sibling 1 or because sibling 2 gets jealous or ??? reason that involves others)

[hiyasminitsme]

He needs to make it very clear that you'd be delighted to see them but it's too far for a newborn to travel

[user1499333856]

When we had our children the rule became that we spend Xmas day alone, just me, DH and 2DCs.

People are welcome Boxing Day or we drive to them. That's just how it is going to be for us.

And we made that non negotiable. Offer to go Boxing Day or issue the invite for that day.

[bettydraper31]

Agreed! I don't know what's worse, that it's the shittest excuse ever, or that's the real reason and that's just terrible! Picking a new bathroom over seeing their family..... doesn't add up to me!

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Nah. They just dont want to and are finding excuses.

[bettydraper31]

Update-

Rather coincidentally DH spoke to his mum tonight, I don't know the ins and outs of the conversation but apparently they can't come down as thy can't afford to as they're saving up for a new bathroom??? WTF?!!! They said they won't be able to come down before next summer!

Jeez Louise I've really heard it all now!

[KatyN]

Since having our second child my parents rarely stay at ours. They are 70 but very active. We haven’t Openly discussed it but i’ve Noticed the change. It may just be that your house is too noisy now.

[bettydraper31]

Thanks everyone for your kind messages.

I too have a hunch there is some underlying health problem that they haven't mentioned, I just wish they would tell us so we could help/be more sympathetic etc.

I do really like them, and we have fun when we're together, which is why it's such a shame and feels like a bit of a rejection that it seems like they just won't come down here.

Thanks again all. Xx

[AcrossthePond55]

we could get rid of them before lol x

I know you're saying that lightheartedly (I assume) but ss it at all possible that they are worried about appearing to 'push in' or 'coming around too much'? A couple having a child changes the family 'dynamics', sometimes unwittingly. I think we've all seen threads where DiLs (and DDs) complain that the grandparents are 'there too much' where before all seemed to be OK.

I'm about the same age as your iLs (no DGC at this point though) but I can see where I'd worry about that, even if my DiL didn't say anything.

I think before you start drawing lines in the sand, you and/or DH should discuss this with his parents. There may be an innocent explanation for them appearing to 'withdraw' from visits to your house.

[Laiste]

I would put money on health issues too, but your only two options are to either ask or just carry on as you are and be a bit more assertive.

DH should ask really.

[DressedCrab]

I would guess there are health issues that they don't want to worry you with.

[MsHarry]

Say "We have plans!"

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

There's also the mindset that their home is 'the family home' - if it's the one your DH grew up in, in the area his family are all from, that is viewed as "home" and you are the ones who have "moved away", so at Christmas and events, it's seen as perfectly normal to want to do those things at "home" - which they still see as their house.

If they haven't really spent time at your house since you became parents, and visits with grandchild have been at their house, it still reinforces the "home" as their house idea. (It could also be an issue that even though you were married, his Mum and Dad were still the "Mum and Dad of the family" until you had DC1, which would reduce them to support role, and by forcing it to be in their house, they are keeping the status of being the ones in charge, as you are then guests).

I'd find a way to push it, so they can spend some time at your house as family christmas time, say you don't feel up to the journey but would love to have them for a few days, offer to pick up from train station etc. It might help if they do it once.

If they have no mobility issues, then it would be easier for them to come to you, than you to take small DCs to them. Your house will be set up for toddlers and baby proofed, you already have your DCs toys, beds and home comforts all there, much easier for adults to adapt to a new setting than children.

[whiskyowl]

Your DH needs to get his arse into gear and ask. It's possible there might be something really wrong here, and it's really his duty to find out. I discovered my Dad wasn't driving anywhere because he had horrific carpal tunnel and hadn't been back to the GP because they told him it was "nothing to worry about". A steroid injection sorted it.

If it's some other reason, it needs to be confronted openly.

[diddl]

I would continue going there when convenient for you and only as often as you want-not doing more to make up for them not coming to you iyswim.

So last time they didn't stay over, but since then they haven't visited at all since then?

I think that they are just hoping that you will take over their share as well.

We are abroad & ILs have never visited.

I don't think that they quite believed that we would go without seeing them-until it happened!

[Rainbunny]

Considering they changed their behaviour after you had a baby I wonder if they found being around a baby too much for them, perhaps they have an aversion to crying or something? Just trying to figure out why they would suddenly stop visiting when most GPs go into overdrive when a grandchild comes on the scene. Very peculiar.

I agree with putting your foot down and calling their bluff, if you don't now while they are still able to drive easily (I'm assuming) it will only get worse in future.

[LadyGagarden]

Hi OP. My Pil live about 3 hours away so I sympathise as it’s a nightmare going to visit them as we have the expense of a hotel as well as a nightmare journey etc. They do come here too though maybe once or twice a year. I send DH up on his own once or twice and then we meet halfway occasionally. Perhaps you could suggest that? It’s a pain travelling for ages to somewhere that doesn’t have your DC’s toys etc I’d just be honest with them or rather, get DH to be honest with them!

[WildRosesGrow]

My PIL refuse to come to our house, as they 'don't know where it is'. My BIL very helpfully has twice picked them up (5 hour round trip for him) and brought them here, so they can get familiar with the route, but sadly they still won't make the effort.

We live just under 2 hours drive away. They could also get a direct train from a station 5 minutes walk from their house - we are more than happy to pick them up from the station at our end, again they refuse. We would not see them if we did not drive to their house. They have plenty of money, no commitments and are in generally good health but just can't be bothered.

I try not to bring it up anymore, as it upsets my husband. He sometimes takes the children to go and see them without me and sometimes we all go. You can't force people to do something they don't want to do, sadly some people are selfish and lazy, even if the consequence means they won't see their children or grandchildren. I think they see it as their role to be visited, as they are the elder statesmen or something. They also make a massive fuss about cooking a tasteless meal in tiny portions, then complain about how tired they are about it. Have tried taking them out to eat (and paying for it for all of us) but then MIL complains about how expensive it is, the food is too fancy, portions too big etc.

Sorry ended up in a rant about my inlaws.... In short, I would reconcile myself to only seeing them when you visit them and make it less often, particularly if you are pregnancy sick and tired out.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

While the health issues are a possibility I would think it is more likely that someone made a "helpful" comment, or they thought it up themselves, that you wouldnt want them staying over after the baby came. And it transformed into them never travelling to you at all as they got used to never having to make the effort. Perhaps they had friends or other family who fell out with DS's or DD's about being OTT after a baby came and they wanted to avoid being accused of taking over or being over involved?

If DH wont ask, cant you ring and say "Why wont you ever come to us these days?"

[Ewanwhosearmy]

We seem to often have threads about how hard travelling with a toddler is. When we had DC1 my parents lived in Europe. We had a ferry and several hours drive to do several times a year.

We ended up with 4 DC very close in age, and every Christmas, Easter, Holiday we made the 4 hour journey to my parents, despite us both working and having a carful. Yes it was a pain but it really isn't that difficult.

Now we are in our 50s I really don't like driving anywhere. We both find it really tiring. So if your ILs are in their late 60s I can imagine that journey is very tiring for them. If your DH has the sort of relationship where he can ask whether there is an issue I think he should.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

I would use the pregnancy as an excuse to see if you and DH can find a way round it, tell him you don't feel up to the journey, but would it be possible for his parents to use the train, or fly and you pick them up?

[SaucyJack]

If the situation has changed since you had DD, I'd say it was to do with them finding your home less relaxing now there's a child on the loose than anything to do with their health.

Is there less space for guests/do you play CBeebies all day/are there toys all over the floor yadda yadda? Maybe they prefer you to go theirs because they can (consciously or not) control the noise levels or meal times or whatevs better?

I'm not saying there's necessarily anything you can do about it btw- or even that you should if it's simply down to them being unused to the chaos that comes with small children. Just a suggestion based on some of the problems we have with DP's parents.