WWYD?

[NoHunsHereHun]

DPs daughter died in 2015 and the anniversary was a few days ago. No one in his family - and I'm referring to his parents/siblings - has acknowledged this. I don't mean acknowledgment by Facebook post, I mean they haven't even text, let alone phoned to see how he's doing. We are both quite at this, I can't even offer a justification on their behalf (I can usually find an excuse for their slackness) as I'm so appalled. I want to message his mum and tell her how upset this has made him - should I? I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a grandmother to acknowledge this. My mother did.

Note: they do not live nearby so we haven't seen them, but there's never been any non contact etc and no ongoing feud to prevent contact.

So sorry for your loss. I've been through a similar thing w my family, as though they're only interested in being there for the good times. I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid apart from some people are just crap at being there for other people. Others may not know what to do for the best. Others still may be grieving themselves. If you would like to be closer to them, perhaps a call in which you share your sadness with them might help? Alternatively, I would try to accept how things are and honour your DSD in your own ways.

Oh no I'm so sorry, how rotten of them YANBU at all.

I don't think there's anything you can do though, or at least nothing that would do any good or actually make your DP feel better. I suppose he could tell them how much it hurt that they didn't acknowledge her anniversary, but they may get defensive and end up being more hurtful. It's a gamble.

How were they at the time she died? Supportive or useless? Do you think they've forgotten or didn't know what to say (not that that's a good enough excuse as I imagine a text just saying 'thinking of you today x' would go a long way).

Yes, just a text would have sufficed. I think they forgot. I genuinely don't know how a grandmother forgets the date her grandchild died. I understand that for those not immediately related, i.e. sibs the date may pass. They were supportive at the time.

So I am thinking I message with "hi, I wanted to let you know that DP is really upset that no one contacted him on GD anniversary on X. I hope everything is ok with you all."

Not defending it if that's what you do in your family - but I never remember anniversaries of deaths. I couldn't even tell you what month my parents/grandparents died.

But I remember their birthdays and visit their graves with flowers then.

So sorry for your loss

Some people don't think its the done thing to send texts about anniversaries. I would find it odd if people texted me about significant anniversaries. It doesn't mean they aren't grieving or thinking about it.

Personally, I wouldn't send that text. It doesn't read well to me. I think you need to be clear in your intention here. If you want to improve relations, have a heart-felt conversation.

Why can't you just do a Facebook RIP and let them see it, so they can say they are thinking of her.
To be honest I would never comment on a death unless someone else did first, as you never know if the person wants to keep it private or not, and a card would only be sent when the person passed away.
It may just be your DP needs you to be with them.

Don't divert grief to blame for other people. They will remember in their own way. Help him identify what he needs from you and others and ask for it, not get angry.

toosexy I get that. But would you really not contact your son to let him know you're thinking of him?

dont we're over 100 miles away otherwise I'd arrange f2f.

I'm like Laurie I remember people on their birthdays or Saints days rathervthan the anniversary of the day they died. But ive never lost a child, or known anyone who has so maybe this is the wrong thing to do. If they are generally kind and supportive then maybe let them know gently. And yes, bear in mind that grandparents are likely grieving too.

But would you really not contact your son to let him know you're thinking of him?

I'd probably call. But equally why wouldn't he call her? It's not just his loss, and its not a competition of grief. Perhaps she thought if he wanted to talk he would call, and otherwise would prefer to be left alone?

Either way, texting is hardly appropriate.

OP, you don't have to do f2f, you can call.

Or, arrange a celebration mid-way. Let it be known how much you're still thinking of your DSD and want to celebrate her life. Do that and involve everyone. Make it a positive, inclusive thing.

Sorry for the loss... but its not the first anniversary is it?

When we lost our DS, we had loads of messages around the 1st anniv. then just one or two for anniv's. after that - If anything i prefer it that way, let everyone grieve in their own way! (and leave me to deal with my feelings)

Its the same for birthdays too, I would much rather people just mark it how they want to and leave me to mark it how I want to. if they want to text or whatever thats fine, but I really don't want a fuss.

I sometimes text and remind people of things like this so that they can do something about it. Example is I text my DSis and Dbro when it's the anniversary of my DM's brother dying. That way they can call her or send her a text. I'm not sure it's worth being up after the event as they will likely feel awful and it won't help DH.

Maybe drop them a text to ask how they are but then reply and say DH has been really down as it's the anniversary, and leave it there?

pinky I'm sorry 💐 I genuinely don't expect anyone to make a fuss at all. I'm just very sad & disappointed that his mother hasn't been in touch to see how DP is. He's really hurt by that.

mumsoncrack he has a history of MH issues which makes it more surprising.

Thank you all for your thoughts on this - it seems overall advice is that I shouldn't contact her.