So, it's a long story, I'll keep it as short as I can. DS made an accidental baby with a girl he knew, just friends wb. He's now 21 she's 20 baby 18mnth. I was perhaps understandably quite angry with him (and her) at first for having unprotected drunken sex but I have tried to be as supportive and helpful as I can. I have good relationship with both and see DGS as often as I can (i do a busy professional job). Mother of DGS is lovely but quite vulnerable. I have got to know her fairly well. Second time I met her was at the birth so...
Anyway, one of the reasons I was upset when I found out about this was because I could see that the family she came from might be trouble. I've often tried to talk to DS about the company he kept, explaining that life is hard work as it is without getting mixed up with people who are chaotic, nuts or whatever. He ignored me and called me a snob. To be fair, the girl is really nice, intelligent, good company and doing the best she can under the circumstances. My DGS is well cared for thanks to her. DS was present at the birth (whole other post about the conversations we had that night, suffice to say he did not listen in biology) and he is more help to them both now that she has finally been housed in a small council house. She had been staying at her parents, then at her grandparents and he was not allowed to visit because her father threaten to beat him up, run him over or kill him if he came near. her parents are, to be blunt, just weird. Her grandparents not much better. Now I am however remotely tied to these people for life, not just for my DGS but for my DS and now for DGS mother, because I am worried about her too. I feel I need to take some responsibility even though I don't have much time or headspace because they are both so young.
Why weird? I hear you ask, that's a bit judgmental.
Well maybe, if you think the death threats are at all normal.I can only go on what I've seen and what I've heard but what I've heard from both the young woman and my DS is that the young woman has been on the receiving end of behaviour I would call abusive, name calling, manipulation, also getting physical. She moved into her grandparents for a while and things calmed down but then the grandparents got angry and weird and physical again. The other GP fairly often turn up unannounced at their own parents house and also at the young woman's new house to start an argument or even a fight. They drag other people into it. It's all high drama. The main problem seems to be that they don't want her or GS near my DS, which is unfair I think. He is also doing his best and DGS's mother wants him around and wants him at the house helping her. She says things have been much easier for her since he has been allowed to spend time with them and he says he is enjoying getting to know his son.
Thankfully they have only turned up at our house once, right at the start when she was pregnant. She didn't realise she was pregnant until quite late, 2nd trimester. At first she was going to have the baby adopted because she was in shock, too young and a little traumatised at the suddenness of it all. This is what I heard and saw at that first encounter with other GPS. Firstly, they turned up out of the blue. They were polite and explained the situation saying they only came to see us to find out if we had any family history of illness, for the adoption, and to let us know the name of the adoption social worker. However, they father also said that he would love a baby and didn't want the adoption. She agreed but said she was not in good health. They left. The next morning I got a text to say the girl had changed her mind and was keeping the baby. Well, that's her choice I said, but I did wonder if they had changed her mind. It turned out later that they wanted, but can't have, another child for health reasons. They are at least 15 years younger than us.
Now, this is what I saw today, which has me very worried.
I had arranged a visit today with my DS2 for lunch and to see DGS. I arrived with groceries and toys and lunch and we sat down for a chat in the kitchen. Young mother is worried about other GPS behaviour and has contacted a solicitor for advice. Been told maybe non molestation order and I think residency order. She does seem to think her parents want to take her baby away from her. There is a knock on the door. I am cutting up pizza. I hear a silence, no words at all, then a strange growling sound, not a pleasant one. It is the other GP (father) hugging DGS in the hallway, sort of on the doorstep. DGS is not distressed. Young woman comes into kitchen and whispers it's her dad. No words have been spoken. I finish cutting pizza and walk into the hall, being as normal as I can, say hi, friendly, we are just about to have lunch do you want some? Answers no. I carry on as I would normally, deliver pizza to DS2. He won't let me near DGS. Very strange body language. He gets him in the high chair, talking all the time to the child but not acknowledgeing anyone else. I introduce my DS to him and offer strawberries. I work my way past his obstructing arm to the high chair and act normal. Eventually he relaxes a tiny bit and we dress the baby together (the allows me to help with the trousers) young woman stays mostly in kitchen. When she enters room he won't look at her. I say that we are going out. He will not release the child from a very tight embrace. Child is not distressed though. He carries him out to my car. Will not let him go. Eventually young mother takes him and puts him in car seat. Child starts crying because he wants his Grandad back. But instead of moving out of sight so the child settles GP stands close to the open car door, behind his daughter, who is doing the car seat.
Afterwards, I ask if he often comes round unannounced and she tells me yes, and usually just stands holding the child on the doorstep while she stands there awkwardly. Grandmother doesn't come anymore since they fell out. Grandmother hit the daughter and so the daughter doesn't want her to come.
The really worrying thing for me, and please tell me if his is a misinterpretation, but I had a violent ex and when I finally left him he once tracked me down at a restaurant and sat opposite me, not speaking, holding very tightly to our DS. I found it quite terrifying. He seemed to only see our DS as a possession of his, not as a person. He seemed to be trying to hurt me by hugging our son. My ex was dangerous. I am free of him now. I do still feel lucky to have escaped. I do wonder if he would have killed me or us if I hadn't gone into a refuge. Obviously I am more alarmed by this weird behaviour than someone who hasn't had this experience. AIBU?
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V grateful for advice from social work, child p, law types - weird grandparents
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wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 15/07/2017 20:12
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