...to almost be relieved?

[Majora]

Please don't get me wrong here. I loved the fuck out of my daughter, I really did - she was unexpected and I had one of those 'didn't know I was pregnant until it was too late' pregnancies, because I have loose skin from weight loss and I'm pretty sick as it is. I was always STAUNCHLY childfree and still am, I guess? (I was 18 at the time, I'm 23 now) but me and my OH at the time lost her in a freak accident. Don't wanna go into it, don't wanna reveal details - it was nobody's fault. I wasn't with her at the time.

I think I was a good mum? I don't know really. I never knew how to interact with children before and wasn't very good at playing with her, but I did love her more than any other person in my life. I don't want anybody to assume I don't in what I say next because I was absolutely devastated - I lost the one innocent, pure thing I'd made with my own body and my own body had been through a hell of a lot as it was and had never served me well, but it did manage to make something beautiful, even if I detested the entire notion and experience of pregnancy.

But I'm almost relieved? After a year of grieving, I'm coming to terms with things and not having her in my life, although I'm still completely messed up from it and I feel like I'm missing half of a thousand piece jigsaw, I...never wanted children. I ADORED her, this tiny person I made, and I never wanted to make her feel unwanted when she grew up, and I never would have done, nor would I have resented her for something that wasn't her fault but I'm starting to realise I can do the things I thought I couldn't do as a mother who would have to make a life for a kid (after never having a job because of aforementioned illness) and then not having time for anything I enjoyed because my OH (at the time, we've split) was working himself to the bone to try and provide for both of us so I had to do everything in the house because he would have to leave home at 7, come back at 3 and then go work whatever odd jobs he'd managed to find. I never wanted to be a housewife and I resented that, because I hate everything about it and I hated that I had to be the person taking care of her because I simply couldn't handle working, but I kind of think working might have been easier at this point.

I digress though. Am I awful for being glad in some respects I don't have to be a mum even though I'm devastated about missing out on her life?

[Majora]

Sorry I'm not responding to everybody. I really appreciate people helping me put this into perspective, though. I just feel like if I ever said this to parents or friends they would be absolutely horrified and act like I wanted her to die or that it's just because I'm grieving - I've had gentle prodding (not from parents, mind you, they don't care. Sister has enough kids for them!) from people asking if I'll ever have another and my answer is always 'no' and I get the usual 'you might change your mind'.

Valeria, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I might consider myself childfree in the future but it seems such a cruel name considering I lost a child and I'm not free of her - the guilt will weigh me down forever, but childLESS should be reserved for people who want children but can't have them. Maybe the idea of a label like that is silly now.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be a whirlwind - I at least had time to get used to the notion of having a child, not having, loving and losing within the same moment.

[valeriarrgh]

People will ask the question, honestly I think it's too make them feel better more than it is for us. They want the 'happy ending'. I know when we went on to have our second more than a few people expected us to be 'fixed' like she was a replacement. I try to just let it wash over me. They don't understand. How could they?

I really struggled with the label thing. I found there was precious little support from the childfree community. I wasn't one of them anymore and that was that.

If you ever need a listening ear, I'm around. I hope you get the support you need. And again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[0ccamsRazor]

Op I know a fair few child free women, each has been a choice. A couple had pregnancies that they didn't feel right with. One decided to have her baby, but she died in utero at 30 weeks. It really is a personal choice, one that is valid. You have been dealt with a double whammy, not wanting a child, having a child and coming to terms with that decision and then loosening your child. Then going back to your feelings of not wanting to have a child by choice. All I can say is

[user1471502121]

It's okay. This is my first ever post despite a couple of years of lurking but I had to tell you that xxx