To avoid ex-MiL/FiL

[Sadik]

Was going to say AIBU not to want to see them (really MiL - she'll be driving this), but not much I can do about how I feel (at least short term). But should I grit teeth and meet up with them anyway?

Background (sorry a bit long). Split from ex-H of 25 yrs last year after ongoing affair / EA on his part. One late teenage dc who lives 50:50 with each of us, so me not seeing them won't affect access to GC. They live 7+ hours drive away, in the past we saw them around 3-4 times per year.

Ex-H avoids them as much as possible, not unreasonably IMO, though in the couple of years before we split I bullied him into encouraged him to invite them for Christmas as they're quite elderly now and his siblings were abroad/otherwise occupied.

After we split they rang my parents several times (who they've had minimal contact with over the duration of our marriage due to us living many miles away from both of them) telling them that there wasn't an OW involved, ex-H blameless etc. My DM was very much 'yeah yeah whatever' and just didn't say much as didn't want to run down her son/shatter illusions. I've basically avoided ex-Mil other than a couple of very very brief phone conversations to thank for xmas presents.

Whenever she visits ex-H now she emails - and has today now put a note through my door - asking to meet up for tea and a chat. I don't feel I have anything to say to her or want to be involved with her - I didn't want to see her when we were married, ex-H didn't want to see her then (he works VERY long hours whenever she visits), and doesn't want to now, and I definitely don't want to meet up for tea!!! But AIBU / or at least mean to a woman who is difficult but now really quite elderly?

[kaitlinktm]

I used to call her my Mother-Out-Law - she liked it!

[kaitlinktm]

I've now also sent her an email saying that I don't want to meet again as it sparks conflict between me and ex-H which is bad for our dd.

This was well thought of - surely she can't just ignore that. It might seem unfortunate that XH is still nearby so it makes it easier for her to see you when she comes, but really it is best that it is resolved now.

My XH moved abroad and married OW which meant I was invited to his family get-togethers whereas if he had still been here, he and his new wife would have been invitied. (DC were 16 and 18 and didn't need me to transport them to see GP).

I had to keep refusing and I'm afraid I must have offended many of them by refusing an invititation to a niece's wedding, but it took years for me to get anywhere near where you are now. MIL died a couple of years ago - I did keep in touch with her, Christmas and birthdays etc - and the family have fallen out, so I only see one SIL now.

It is good that you get on well with his siblings, but you must continue to be very clear with MIL about meeting up - although you could still send a Christmas card if you wanted. :)

[justilou]

Doesn't sound like she's the sort to give up. Bet you hear from her again shortly.

[ohfourfoxache]

Ooohhhh karma is a bitch - lucky OW

Hope that's an end to it all now. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she was all over you to try to fuck the OW off.....

[Sadik]

justilou if only there WERE another man

[Sadik]

I've now also sent her an email saying that I don't want to meet again as it sparks conflict between me and ex-H which is bad for our dd.

(I didn't mention this is mainly because even having her within 20 miles causes him to be tense to the extent that he blows up at anyone who speaks to him - OW can now have that joy ).

I did reiterate that there's no issue with them seeing dd as she spends 50% of time with ex-H, and I have no problem with re-arranging week/dd spending more time there when they are visiting.

[YouTheCat]

If she's anything like my ex mil, she'll be wanting to get you alone to tell you 'some home truths'.

Do you think she'll just turn up at yours?

[MissHavishamsleftdaffodil]

Very glad it was a damp squib, that sounds fairly painless! Meeting her with the ex somewhere neutral was a genius idea.

The fact she wants to see you again suggests she couldn't say or do what she wanted to, and it does seem to be about getting in the house and you being alone, so I suspect what's on her mind isn't about anything that benefits you, particularly if she's been pressuring your parents that ex is innocent and the OW whom they've presumably met by now is fictional (but then I'm a cynical old bag.) Glad you've been able to put that one to bed and do it in such a kind way.

[justilou]

Definitely snooping on you for signs of another man so that she can make you the bad guy!

[Sadik]

Just to update in case anyone is interested. Bit of a damp squib really - we had a cup of tea, exMiL gushed a lot about everything in an insincere kind of way saying nothing, I totally failed to say JUST BUGGER OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE. (I realise this is crap.)

ex-MiL gushed some more about how she wanted to come round to my house and see me AGAIN before leaving, but I'm hopeful that ex-FiL got the message especially when I dodged giving her my mobile no. with 'the house no. is fine' (absolutely perfect in fact, as - as she well knows - I never answer it and 1571 has the message set to 'don't bother leaving a message on here as I won't hear it').

[justilou]

Dying to hear how this goes. Could she be looking to stickybeak at your house for signs of another man? Good work not letting her meet at your house. She sounds like hard work. Good luck today.

[Sadik]

You are the gatekeeper to their GC
I'm really not - she's 15, and spends half her time with ex-H. (I have to say they also showed absolutely no signs of thinking the world of me over the last 25 years . )

[Madwoman5]

My gp thought the world of both DIL despite the fact they divorced their sons. You are the gatekeeper to their GC and if their son is not cooperating they simply miss their GC and your company (although my gm used to look down her nose at dm, she always made sure we were ok) Why don't you just go along and see what they want. Then you will know and can act accordingly. Taking you ex h is a bit of a cop out.

[GreenTulips]

Maybe they need looking after in their old age and thought you'd Lille the pleasure

[HipsterHunter]

I wouldn't bother.

I might ring and ask what the purpose of meeting up would be.

[Sadik]

Thing is, ex-H does see my parents still, as they live just round the corner from me (moved to be near us a few years back). It's a small village so he can't really help but see them!

[Sadik]

No, no, not at all weird grannytomine. And if dd was smaller, I'd also totally get why MiL would want to stay in contact (regardless of how we felt about each other) given the frequency with which dads fail to stay in their dcs lives effectively.

[grannytomine]

When my MIL died she was still in touch with DHs ex girlfriend from 40 odd years ago. I could never understand why someone who was in her life for about a year was such a big deal to her. Bit more understandable after 25 years I suppose.

Saying that I am just waiting for my sons ex to come round, I see her several times a week but that is because of childcare. God am I being weird?

[Sadik]

It's ironic really, as they patently didn't want me as family when they were first lumbered with me (Their son-in-law is a naice privately educated doctor. I - am not.)

[Bluetrews25]

They probably just don't 'get' that you aren't family any more, and you don't need to see them. They might feel it would be impolite to deny your existence and ignore you.
You might need to make up a polite excuse - and leave it with a don't call us, we'll call you type thing.

[MachineBee]

That sounds like a good plan. Good luck.

[Sadik]

"I wouldn't go out of my way for her but a brief coffee might help to pit this to bed."
That's kind of what I think - I've been avoiding her for a year, I can't bring myself to be outright rude given her age / the fact she's dd's grandmother, and she hasn't given up/gone away. I really don't want her in my house, so hopefully I can get this sorted in a neutral location.

[Aquamarine1029]

Don't even waste your time seeing her. There is absolutely nothing she could possibly have to say that you need to hear, and my guess is she wants her 15 minutes to prattle on about how blameless her son is for the breakup of your marriage. You don't owe this woman anything. Just ignore her.

[ohfourfoxache]

Jeez, you're more tolerant than I am

[Chloe84]

Have you ever met her after the split? Maybe she needs cliche alert closure? Or maybe she knows you are in contact with her other DC and doesn't understand why you're not in contact with her?

I wouldn't go out of my way for her but a brief coffee might help to pit this to bed.