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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my DP to stay home from work?

20 replies

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 22/03/2007 09:28

had some horrible news yesterday and feel awful, cant stop crying, and it seems like a million years till 5pm when he is home again,

i just dont want to face the day,

but he said he cant stay home and went to work even though i cant stop crying.

should i just leave him or phone him?

OP posts:

bozza · 22/03/2007 09:29

Is there nobody else who could be with you?

LucyJones · 22/03/2007 09:29

I wouldn't do either, certainly don't leave him.
Have you got anyone close by who could come round and keep you company?

CadburyCremeSquonk · 22/03/2007 09:29

Leave him. If he felt that going into work was the right thing to do, you'll only piss him off by ringing him.

Are you ok? Is there something you want to talk to us about?

LucyJones · 22/03/2007 09:30

Oh I thought ypu actually meant 'leave him' rather than leave him alone at work

Original poster

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 22/03/2007 09:32

no i meant shall i leave him alone and not bother him or phone him,

theres not really anyone i can ring, everyone works, and my gran is poorly i dont think she would appreciate me turning up with 2 babies (and we were there all day yesterday)

theres my sister but shes dues a baby anyday and is poorly too.

OP posts:

CadburyCremeSquonk · 22/03/2007 09:33

(I like the easter name, btw kitty)

themildmanneredjanitor · 22/03/2007 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyJones · 22/03/2007 09:34

Could you email him maybe and just lightly enquire if he could leave at lunchtime?
Or is there something you could do today with the kids to take your mind off whatever it is that's worrying you. Pizza Hut, park etc?

bozza · 22/03/2007 09:35

Looks like you're stuck with mumsnet then....

Original poster

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 22/03/2007 09:41

i might ring and ask if he can finish early,

its my mum - she had a growth removed for the 2nd time and they think its cancerous, she has to go back in 3 weeks to see if theres any regrowth, maybe start treatment

im just in pieces, it doesnt seem real - im just cracking up, all sorts going through my head, shes only 41, i just cant cope

OP posts:

hoolagirl · 22/03/2007 09:55

Have just seen your other thread. Am so sorry.
Maybe he's having trouble/doesn't know how to deal with this and is 'hiding' at work.
Not in a bad way though, just doesnt know what to do?

crystalpony · 22/03/2007 10:01

I suspect as he is 'once removed' from the situation it just isn't effecting him the way it is you and so perhaps he cant empathise and as such he is carrying on with his daily routine? Your situation more or less mirrors mine and my dh went to New York as planned when we were dealing with the news but to be honest it was probably for the best as I would have felt more hurt if he had be present with me but still not 'there' for me IYSWIM? I do think he cares he just has trouble showing empathy.

Original poster

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 22/03/2007 10:04

its nothing to do with that,

he just had a few days off work lately and says he cant take anymore, but im annoyed because the previous days have just been bunkoffs which i told him not to have, and now i actully need him here he cant be here

OP posts:

PavlovtheCat · 22/03/2007 10:09

phone him. He is your DP and should support you. Perhaps this might not be popular, but you need him. Even if he cant come home, he should try to find a way to talk to you.

When my mum was diagnosed with cancer last year, my DP called work and took a days emergency annual leave. He has the kind of job where they consider things like short notice leave as taking the p*ss but in actual fact they were and have been really supportive.
You should not have to deal with this on your own today, and if there is no-one else around, call him. Also, although your sister is poorly and due a baby, maybe she needs someone to talk to too?

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 22/03/2007 10:10

Kitty,

So sorry about your mum going thro. sim. myself Grandad only been given a a couple of weeks now and it's really hard.

My dh can't take time off easily never has been able to. He left me in hospital alone when I had my miscarriages twice, he went back to work within 3 hours of dd1 and dd2 being born.

When I was rushed to hospital and faced surgery I called him and said I needed him. He turned up after work some 6.5 hrs later. Thank God I didn't need the surgery.

I know your in bits and just want him to hold you and tell you everything will be alright but his being home will not change the situation and what can he really do to help you other than hugs.

I have spent days just crying etc also (grandad been a dad to me - so like losing a father).

But I'm going to say that you shouldn't worry that it's cancer. She has 3 weeks until the results and even if it is cancer they have some wonderful treatments for breast cancer and at 41yrs the doctors will do everything they can to get your mum well. (my grandads 86yrs so they say these no point as he's had a good runnings)
Your worrying about what if's and the thought that you'll loss her her you have no need at this point. I finally decided to enjoy what time grandad had left and not grieve him going before he's gone!
Please remember that they haven't yet confirmed anything and you worrying is totally normal but don't yet until you now the facts. I'm sure you'll reward this and ask how the hell are you not meant to worry but this will eat you up if you don't try and it may turn out to be not very much at all.
Like I said your mum's young and the thought of losing her is scaring you perfectly normal but you haven't yet and it'll more than likely be a long time before you do.
As for dh he understands that your scared but men are from Mars they don't get that women are emotional normally. Your dh will be thinking that you need to wait for the results why are men so clinical? I'm sure he doesn't mean to make you feel like works more important but at the moment I bet he thinks theres nothing to get over worked up about until the results are in.
Can you don't go to the park with the children and let them play and try just for a few minutes to keep your mind busy on other things so your not worrying about your mum as the worry is very stressful and will leave you tired.
{{{{{{{{{Big hugs coming your way}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

PavlovtheCat · 22/03/2007 10:11

where his bunkoffs sickies or leave? If sickies, he should tell his employers what is going on and ask to leave early to be with you. It is worth a try at least, the worst that can happen is they say no?

Rhubarb · 22/03/2007 10:15

Kitty, it may be nothing. I think the best thing to do for today, and I don't mean this to sound harsh, is to keep in your head the thought that she may be given the all clear. Otherwise you could be like this for the next 3 weeks! Just switch yourself on autopilot for today, see to the kids and keep yourself busy, the minute you stop to think then you will fall apart again. So do all those things you have been putting off, it will make the day go by easier.

My dh can't take time off easily either and many a time I've been very ill but had to get myself up, the kids up, dressed, breakfasted etc because I knew that if he took the day off to help me, he might have lost his contract for the job.

You don't quite know how you get through days like that, but you do. You have to. So be strong for now and plan some nice things to do when he comes home, like a long soak in the bath where you can cry your heart out. Tell him to pick up a take away on his way home too so you don't have to cook.

Hope it's good news for your mum.

nogoes · 22/03/2007 10:19

I know how you must be feeling Kitty. Six months ago my stepdad died suddenly and my sister was diagnosed with cancer days later. I wanted dh to stay home but he couldn't and I felt quite resentful towards him. You are going through a very difficult time at the moment and you are probably imagining the worst case scenario, I know I did. The thing is imagining the worst makes you feel one hundred times worst and can also affect your own health.

The next few weeks are going to be really difficult for you but you really do need to try and stay positive for yourself and your family. Go off to a softplay centre with the kids and try and arrange something nice to do at the weekend with your dp, I know that you will not be able to think of anything other than your mum but it will help.

marymillington · 22/03/2007 10:21

if i were you, if your sister is not infectious , go to her and look after her, she'll be needing the same support, will understand exactly how you feel and taking care of her will help you both. is your mum too far away to be with just now...

i'm sure your dh cares enormously, but its important to maintain some normality or you will creae a lot of pressure for yourselves.

wishing all the best for your mum, be kind to yourself too.

Original poster

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg · 22/03/2007 10:28

thankyou so much,

my DP got a lift to work with my mum and he mustve told her how ive been

she has just rang me from work - she says shes not worried, she'll be ok, i hope shes right.

ive got to stop, i literally havent stopped crying sice i woke up,

its just a fecking bad day (dropped my choccie biccy and its dissapeared into oblivion and its the last one!!)

shes more upset because they found out they couldnt sell her house last night (something to do with council house discount - she would owe them £30,000 if she sells before jan!!) - she was paying for our wedding, so shes freaked about that

but i dont care, ill get married in a dustbin if it means shes there

im waffling now, im going to go put a disney film on and cuddle up with my boys

god knows what they think is going on!!

OP posts:

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