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To wonder if things will ever get better.

17 replies

karmacoma1 · 23/06/2017 11:22

Posting for traffic really.
I have a beautiful 14 week old DD. And she is currently the only good thing in my life.

I had a job that whilst wasn't perfect, was ok pay, and I got on with my colleagues.

A couple of months ago whilst on mat leave, I had a call from my manager to get on a conference call. My whole team job role was being reduced from account manager to customer care, for slightly less pay. I had the choice to return to this reduced role or take redundancy. I chose the latter.

I was convinced I would be ok. My dh told me it would be fine.

I have now had 2 interviews, for jobs I didn't get. I had spoken to an agency about a job, rewrote a version of my cv for the client, just to be told the client had seen it, and didn't even want to see me. Not to count all the applications I've sent out where I haven't even had a generic reply.

I now wonder wether I should of just stayed in my lane, and taken the reduced role.

I received a redundancy packet some of which my dh promptly borrowed to get a new car. He's paying me back, but now the sceptic in me wonders wether this was why he was so keen for me to take it. I've spoken to him about how lost and rudderless I feel, he was supportive at first, but just now when I spoke to him on the phone, when I spoke about sad I was feeling he said "I'm not listening to this depressive shit" and hung up on me.

I'm not sure if this is PND or just 'regular' depression. I feel angry at my old company for putting me in this position, which I know is pointless and I waste of energy - but I can't help it.

Has anyone else been through something similar? There must be light at the end of the tunnel?

OP posts:

MrsJamin · 23/06/2017 11:25

What do you mean your DH is paying you back for the car? You need to pool your finances as a family once you have a baby otherwise you'll always be worse off than the father.


speedywell · 23/06/2017 12:24

Oh I can see how this is tough for you Karmacoma. Having that certaintly of a job to go back to makes it much easier to relax into your time off, whether for a baby or any other reason. If you don't fall into job straight away it is only natural to feel a bit anxious about it.

Your Dh, well it doesn't sound very responsible. And of ocurse it puts more pressure on you which is inconsiderate of him. Do you have joint finances?

But perhaps the thing to focus on immediately is how to help yourself feel better in the days to come. Is there a course or hobby that you might start? Doesn't have to be intensive or difficult unless you would enjoy a challenge as well as a baby!!!

How long did you plan to off on maternity leave with your lovely new baby?

Maybe work/career related or maybe not at all, but something that is enjoyable and gives you a sense of acheivement and participation. You might also meet you new people and this can help to give a sense of new doors opening.

This is something I have done a few times when I have needed to pick up and start again. Not always easy but it can help to stave off the anxiety and isolation and the rudder-lessness as you say. And from a practical point of view, branching out always adds more skills so that can help with finding a job as well as personal satisfaction.


speedywell · 23/06/2017 12:26

Courses can be online of course to take account of your being with your baby!!!


speedywell · 23/06/2017 12:28

And I meant to say that I am very sorry that your DH is showing you no compassion. That is very cruel and disappoiting. Grrr


Graphista · 23/06/2017 12:32

Your dh needs a kick up the arse for starters. For another I thought the law was upon returning after mat leave company had to offer role of equal status and pay? When did that change?


karmacoma1 · 23/06/2017 14:24

Thank you for your replies.

Speedy - I have started going to some 'mummyfit' classes where you can workout with baby which are great and help break up the week for me. I haven't thought about online classes, but I shall certainly look into that - great idea Smile

Graphista - I thought this - and questioned HR who haughtily told me "well we are offering you a role, and your old role has gone, so that's it" - well words to that effect. I even sought legal advice on this and because the loss in earnings would be from no longer having a bonus as I would no longer being a sales person, but basic salary was the same - it was legit 🙄

OP posts:

chumpchange · 23/06/2017 14:27

i'm not listening to this depressive shit


How is he generally? Because hanging up on people isn't what normal people do as a rule. Were you having an argument?


karmacoma1 · 23/06/2017 14:48

Chumpchange- not an argument really, he's at work and he called me because we had been texting and I said I was hoping something good would happen for me career wise, and I was feeling sad that nothing was happening ( got the news that I hadn't got through a third interview this morning) and he said I should go back on antidepressants (I was taking Prozac) and I said I didn't feel like they worked, and that's when he made the comment and hung up on me. I imagine he's stressed from working and listening to me is draining.

He's often short-tempered with me which I know he can't help, but it makes me feel worse than I already do.

OP posts:

user1490142285 · 23/06/2017 14:57

Of course he can help it. A lot of us spend our lives wanting to hang up on people but we don't, we don't tell them they're spouting 'depressive shit' either; when you're an adult you cultivate empathy and respect for others, you're not just a big toddler saying 'no' and grabbing stuff. I'm sure this situation is hard for you both but this behaviour is not on.

If you suspect he told you to take redundancy so he could 'borrow' money for a car, is that because he has a history of being like that (putting his needs first)?


AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/06/2017 15:07

With regard to the anti depressants, there are a ton of different ones you can try if prozac isn't working for you. I was put on it at 15 as it was one of only a handful that were allowed to give to "children" and never felt any benefit from it, but wasn't tried with anything different til my mid 20's.
There might be a restriction on which ones you can take if you're breastfeeding, but there should still be a few other options.

I didn't find one for me till my 5th go and switching from an SSRI to a TCA, more dangerous with more serious side effects, but i was amazed when something actually worked and the difference is massive.

And of course, here's my obligatory "Your husband has acted like an arse". I'm sure he's a decent guy, but he isn't being as supportive as he could or should be. Both my sister and my dad have suffered with depression too and even knowing how it feels myself it's difficult to see and support someone without making mistakes. Make it clear to him he's fallen short and you were disappointed and upset, but also try not to hold it against him, tell him that you love him and hope he can help support you moving forward.


karmacoma1 · 23/06/2017 15:11

Not so much putting his needs first, but seeing a way for him to benefit out of a situation. I suspect he didn't want me to return to work anyway, as he kept morning about how much nursery would cost.
In all honesty I don't think he has adapted to parenthood as well as I have. He gets hysterical if DD is fussy and cries a lot at night, and says that her crying gives him anxiety.

OP posts:

karmacoma1 · 23/06/2017 15:12

Almost - thank you, I will make an appointment at the doctors and see if there's anything else I can try.

OP posts:

user1490142285 · 23/06/2017 15:37

Well if crying didn't 'give you anxiety' they'd make it into a soothing chillout track wouldn't they? Smile Of course it is meant to make you feel like you should be doing something.

Parenthood can bring all kinds of new dynamics to a relationship. Maybe he needs to be more active w dd, so he can feel more confident about being able to take action when she is upset and not just get upset himself - ? It sounds like a stressful time for both of you.

Not so much putting his needs first, but seeing a way for him to benefit out of a situation. Those two things don't sound all that different.

It sounds like you need to be able to differentiate between your own sadness/depression and his unhelpful behaviour. I am not saying everything is his fault, but you mustn't feel like it is yours either, or that you're causing him to react etc. Whenever I hear that one partner is 'better at' something difficult (eg adapting to parenthood) than the other I wonder if the first partner is just stepping up and the second is using that as an excuse.


IonaNE · 23/06/2017 16:37

You should have taken the new role - and start looking for a job at your old level. Hope things get better soon.


TheSparrowhawk · 23/06/2017 17:11

It's fine for him to say 'I'm sorry, I'm really tired today, can we talk about this some other time?'

It is absolutely not ok to say that he's 'not listening to depressive shit' and hang up the phone. Dickhead.


MikeUniformMike · 23/06/2017 17:18

OP, the job market is a bit strange right now, but you are only after one job. Keep plugging away with the applications and you'll get there.
In the meantime, enjoy the time with your daughter.
You took the VR because the job they were offering you was not what you wanted. Good luck.


speedywell · 24/06/2017 00:24

Hello again Karmacoma

Sorry for being so late to check back. Hope you are feeling a little bit better.

The mummy-fit sounds great. As you say it is nice to have things to go to and be a constructive distraction and nice bonding time too :)

I'm glad the course idea grabbed you :) I like learning and courses but not everyone does! Not sure what your bag is but if you are academic there is // which has proper free online short Uni courses from all round the world on all sorts of subjects, science to literature to art etc. Most from really top Unis so quality is good. No commitment so no problem if you just stop (dont have to ask permission!) and very flexible. Can pay for a cert of participation for £30 ish if it might be useful career-wise. The courses have discussion boards so a chance to discuss with other participants. Or Open Uni of course. They have free and paid for courses. I find that courses can help to give direction to a period of waiting as the course is x number of weeks.

There are also craft courses if you are crafty. Sometimes people do end up starting their own businesses from your situation so you never know where learning a new skill might lead but hopefully fun trying.

I'm the sort that always feels better if I am doing something constructive or creative or a little project. Making something or painting a bookshelf etc. Doesn't have to be a big thing or something too difficult. I made a little pin cushion once and was very pleased with myself!

Also keeping on meeting people is helpful so maybe some volunteering? Not sure if you have childcare of course. Should be fun or intersting and always a bonus on the CV.

Or even setting out to read a selection of classic authors. A few months ago I read a couple of Jane Austens for the first time as I have always felt like the odd girl out for not having read any.

I've had to change jobs and/ or pick myself up quite a few times, including at the moment and so these are the kind of things I try. Not intensively or putting pressure on to achieve but just to keep a sense of direction and a bit of structure on a day that might otherwise become a sad or anxious day. It doesn't change the outside circumstances of course but it can help to manage the sense of uncertainty and fill the time. I don't have children though so of course your circs are a little bit different to mine.

I hope it turns out that your DH is just temporarily stressed and bad tempered (and maybe feeling a little guilty??) and is being kinder to you. Perhaps it was being at work that made him snappy - he is probably worried about you and maybe getting distracted at work so lost it a bit in that circumstance. Lets hope that is it anyway and he is being nicer now. There is a lot for you both to adjust to at the moment.

I would also suggest doing some number crunching and projections, if you haven't already of course! Just so you know where you are financially and at what point you might need to tighten belts etc. It can be tempting to put things like that off if one is feeling overwhelmed and anxious or depressed but it is always better to know what's what. Hopefully your DH will help you so you have a joint plan. And it might take off the initial pressure. The CAB can be hepful if you need more advice.

I have been through some really, really crap situations so I don't believe in being maniacally optimistic regardless of facts, as if painting a shelf is going to magically get you a job, or in feeling obliged to keep up a chirpy front when serious shit is happening, but there can be little things that can help a bit even in bad times. And talking can help too. PM if you would like.

Hope you find something that helps you get through this tough time :)

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