To not want to meet parents due to weight gain

[user1498006172]

So dp s live overseas, they are visiting UK briefly for another reason and staying some distance away. They d like to meet half way to see dgc - they are not majorly interested in dgc but I'd like them to facilitate meeting them
However I've been struggling with weight gain. About 12 lbs since I last saw them.Bmi Is about 29 so definitely overweight but not hugely obese. And I'm dreading them commenting. They did last time . Ive asked them not to before so it will probably be a stage whisper or pointed looks up and down
DH will take kids by himself if I ask. AIBU to avoid.. I will just feel so crappy after seeing them.

[Marylou2]

Wow there must be a massive back story here. Please go with your DH and children. Present a united front as a family. If your parents really have nothing better to do than make snide comments about your weight when they get a rare opportunity to spend precious time with their daughter and grandchildren then I am so very sorry for you. They don't sound pleasant and I am sending you an unmumsnetty hug.

[Bloomed]

I would go. And I'm saying that as someone who is naturally very self conscious. You are more than your weight.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I would first question: if they are so nasty you don't really want to see them, why do you want your DC to see them?

[Taocrasorm]

Op here.
I can't say they're nasty all the time and although I wouldn't want dc with them for prolonged periods, I think an hour or 2 is fine
Of course there is a back story unsurprisingly.. Father is emotionally abusive to dm. Although she was v good to kids when small, as we got to teenage years it became apparent would always side with him.
They both comment on weight but he is worse. When I had just completed and graduated from a challenging degree, instead of congratulating me dm commented that I really needed to lose weight.

[sonjadog]

It sounds like you should avoid them. They don't sounds like they bring anything positive to an interaction.

[MarklahMarklah]

FIL "You need to lose some weight"
Suggested response from OP, "And you need to gain some manners."

[Taocrasorm]

I try to imagine responding like that but inside I feel terrible. Df will just say " I was just saying the truth.," or "im only commenting" . I know I will just have to grin and bear it. If I don't show then I'll get a load of emails telling me how devastated DM is.

[fc301]

This isn't going to help, except to demonstrate that I get how you feel.
I was pushed to the point of begging my DF to stop criticising everything about me. I just said if you haven't got anything nice to say then keep your opinions to yourself. He went absolutely fucking batshit.
And I hear you about DF EA DM. My Mums been in it 50 years, completely brainwashed and only what he wants/needs matters.
Hugs.

[fc301]

Read up on narcissists & coping strategies. share less personal info. Don't look to them for validation.

[INeedANameChange]

12lb is nob all. I'm BMI 20ish and people don't notice if I gain that much weight (or they're really polite if they do)

They probably won't even notice and if they do, or are generally just arseholes, they have far more issues at play than a few pounds in weight

[BoomBoomsCousin]

YANBU to not want to see them. But I don't really see what your DC have to gain by spending time with your parents.

[ThaliaLuxurySpa]

OP,

It must be very hard when your own parents act in such a way.

If this has been a constant since your teens, I expect, no matter how assertive you are in other areas of your life, every criticism takes you right back to feeling vulnerable/ hurt/ angry at previous unfair treatment?
Lack of recognition on successful completion of a tough degree a case in point.
(But well done from an anonymous MNer, FWIW ).

I'm guessing the criticism and rudeness is also not confined to your weight per se, more that it's (very understandably) a sensitive area for you, and thus an effective control tool for someone emotionally abusive to hone in on.

I've witnessed a very similar dynamic with close friend: her father is weirdly fixated about everyone's weight (incl. his own), but criticises hers constantly whenever she disagrees about anything, no matter how unrelated.
Her mother has been conditioned to agree (always claiming it's for my friend's own good to be told/ concerns about her health etc...bollocks is it; friend runs half marathons!), friend is terribly upset, reduces contact, is told is being oversensitive, feels guilty as kids miss DGPs, relents, things improve until the next time...

I'd be tempted to answer any weight comment whatsoever from them with "Ironically, I only resort to comfort eating when my self-esteem takes a bashing and I'm made to feel judged".
But I realise that type of person you describe rarely acknowledges their behaviour is ever at fault.

Are your kids of an age to be influenced by such attitudes?
i.e. are relationships between them ever likely to reach a stage of weekly hour-long FaceTime/ Skype sessions and stays with you when in UK?

(Very different scenarios between, say, a perceptive 7yr old regularly given the message from Gpa & Gma that only being deemed thin enough by them gets approval, and who picks up on the way Gma acts differently whenever Gpa's around, compared with a 2 hr meet-up twice a year, a couple of quick phone calls between times, and Mummy and/ or Daddy calling out any hurtful comments, each and every time).

Are there really enough positives to warrant strengthening Grandparent/ Grandchild relationships, or is it far more out of guilt (they're also perhaps elderly?) that your kids would feel hard done by and blame you, if communication is only kept minimal?

None of us would find it easy, I'm sure.
Hope you manage to work out the best solution for you and your DC.

[Taocrasorm]

Thank you for all the replies. I can really identify with pp who mentioned brainwashed DM and with thalia s friend who has that difficult emotional cycle with her father
At the moment DC are small so not likely to be affected and DPs haven't shown much interest in seeing them for prolonged periods (DM would probably like to but discouraged by DF )
I've spoken to DH who I think sometimes doesn't understand how I feel after spending time with them and he will be much more aware/ have my back.
Thanks to MN who btw were really helpful in helping me identify the emotional abuse by DF

[fc301]

💐 just remember it's their issue not yours ... the fuckers.