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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for getting worked up over friend asking for a lift

18 replies

saadia · 19/03/2007 17:40

I used to pick up a friend on the way to school to pick up ds (her dd goes to same school). Anyway there are roadworks now in that direction - temporary lights at a main junction, only one lane open and it is slow so I have started using a different route. Anyway, at 3pm, the time I leave, she called and asked which way I was going so I told her it would take too long to go her way and was going a different way. She said no the traffic is not too bad so I went that way, got stuck in traffic picked her up and was a few minutes late picking up ds. It wasn't a disaster or anything and I appreciate that the weather was awful but I really minded that she expected this of me.

OP posts:
VioletBaudelaire · 19/03/2007 17:42

How annoying.
I'd screen my calls tomorrow, and she'll soon get the message.

Chloe55 · 19/03/2007 17:45

A one-off is fine but it seems that she just comes to expect this of you now which would really annoy me.

I had a friend who didn't drive and if I ever invited her over to mine for a coffee/takeaway etc then she just expected that I would pick her up and take her home - she lived 20mins away. I just stopped inviting her over in the end, shame coz she was nice in every other way.

shonaspurtle · 19/03/2007 17:46

Tbh, if it was me I'd still pick up the friend and leave earlier because of the traffic.

I don't think you're being unreasonable though - she was making assumptions and it was very cheeky to talk you into it when you'd clearly made up your mind not to.

Original poster
saadia · 19/03/2007 17:47

thanks violet and chloe, glad you agree with me. Part of me feels that it's no big deal to give her a lift but OTOH I know I would never expect this from someone else.

OP posts:
Caligula · 19/03/2007 17:48

Just tell her that it is too much trouble to collect her while the lights are like this.

marymillington · 19/03/2007 17:48

she is lucky that you are able to help her out. But if its a permanent arrangement and she is relying on you, presuming she's not in walking distance and doesn't herself have a car, maybe you could just have set off a few minutes earlier. if she could walk it, that's a bit different.

Original poster
saadia · 19/03/2007 17:48

x-posted shona - yes it was the presumptuousness that I really minded.

OP posts:
Original poster
saadia · 19/03/2007 17:51

It's not really a permanent arrangement and lately, with the nice weather she had been walking. She doesn't drive and the bus service is terrible. I think I may suggest that I pick her ds up and drop him off at her's on the way back if she is having problems to save time. TBH I think that when she chose the school she should have factores all this in.

OP posts:
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 19/03/2007 17:57

I would say something to her. She shouldn't assume but if you've given her a lift on a regular basis then she may have come to rely on it without even realizing it iyswim.

When I started my first job I worked with a girl who lived just up the road from me. She offered me a lift home every night and although I never expected it, and in fact gave her chocolates/wine etc on more than one occasion and offered to contribute to cost of her petrol etc, after a few weeks it did become a regular thing. Then a couple of days she said she wasn't going straight home which obv wasn't a problem for me and I just got a taxi home. Then a few days later I was called into my manager's office and manager (who was a complete bitch anyway but that's a topic for another thread) said to me that this girl had mentioned to her that she didn't feel able to offer me lifts home any more but that she felt uncomfortable saying something to me as she was such a nice person and didn't feel she wanted to upset me, but that she had other commitments and that giving me a lift home just wasn't convenient, and could I please not ask her for lifts any more. I was absolutely mortified, I had no idea how she felt and she'd never let on. I'd never assumed, never asked, had asked if she was driving but had never assumed she would give me a lift and yet it seemed she'd felt I was assuming.

I've never had the confidence to ask anyone for a lift to anywhere since.

Original poster
saadia · 19/03/2007 18:04

wannabe that's odd of her to go to the manager to say something.

chloe I can totally see why that would put you off. A lot of people think it's no big deal to be given a lift but I actually would prefer to go somewhere under my own steam. Before I had the car people would always offer me lifts home but I just thought as a one-off OK, but I wouldn't expect it.

She has come to rely on it and the other thing I find really annoying is that her ds does too. I was picking them up in the mornings too but haven't done so for a few days (same reason) and he said to me today that I shouldn't be late and should collect them. He is 5. I explained about the traffic, but TBH if any of my kids said that to someone they would be reprimanded.

OP posts:
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 19/03/2007 18:22

wow if my child said that to someone then I would have harsh words.

do you think that he has come to expect it? or is it possible that his mum has said something to or in front of him?

I too think that when applying for schools, distance to and from should be taken into account if you don't drive, otherwise how are you going to get there? I made a note that I needed to be able to walk to/from school when I made my application.

Original poster
saadia · 19/03/2007 18:25

He is an extremely over-indulged child and IMO gets way too much attention from his mum. He really plays up when she's around and one time when he came over to play without her he was like a different child -sweet, polite, well-behaved - but when he's with her she really lets him behave like a baby and even said herself that my 3yr old ds is more mature than her ds.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 19/03/2007 18:38

What was the weather like? It was utterly sh*te here at school pick up time! If it was rubbish, I'm not surprised she wanted a lift although she could have asked more nicely.

powder28 · 19/03/2007 18:46

wannabe, how was mothers day?

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 19/03/2007 18:48

mother's day was good thanks powder. Parents came over in the end and I cooked roast beef and yorkshire pudding and made my own creme brulee which I was immensely proud of

powder28 · 19/03/2007 18:49

What did your sister do?

Original poster
saadia · 19/03/2007 19:04

Soupdragon the weather was horrible but if I was in that situation I would have called a cab, and considering how much I've saved her in bus fare - four fares every school day since November - I'm sure she can afford it.

OP posts:
helenhismadwife · 19/03/2007 19:18

Saadia I would say to her that you will call her if you are coming her way so that you can give her a lift, then she knows not to expect you if you dont call. I didnt have a car or drive until quite recently and really really appreciated lifts when it was raining etc but I never expected them

Her son is a cheeky little sod I would be mortified if one of mine said something like that.

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