AIBU to be honest with my children

[bluecoconuts]

I have made various mistakes in life and obviously like most parents am keen for my children not to follow my example.

What I don't want is for them to think I'm a pathetic failure - but it's now to word it. Basically I want their life to be totally different to mine but I'm meant to be a role-model for them.

Has anyone else experienced this difficulty?

[Neverknowing]

I agree with crowd. It's important to know your parents aren't perfect! Less learning from their mistakes, more learning even when you make mistakes or things aren't easy you can come out the other end !

[Crowdblundering]

I think by being honest you are being a role model.

It's important for kids to know we are not perfect - and then not such a terrible shock when they realise it's true!

[bluecoconuts]

It was a rhetorical question really, Crowd. It's brilliant you turned it around but it's not really applicable in my situation.

[Crowdblundering]

The addiction was before I had children - I would not have (and did not) entertain bringing a child into that situation.

[DJBaggySmalls]

I'm honest about the broad path from A to Z, but not the fine details. They shouldn't have to know some details.

Tell them the fact is, we survived and here we are. Its the survival skills and coping strategies they need to know. Everyone makes mistakes or has problems from ill health or other people at some time in their lives. Expect it..
Its better not to make bad mistakes. your life will be easier if you dont. but if you do, its usually salvageable.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I will definitely be talking about my experiences with dd. Including simple things like going for a midnight swim having had a couple of drinks. Dd has a medical condition so I want her to know how unsafe these choices are and not to give in to peer pressure as I didn't want to go.

[bluecoconuts]

If the heroin addiction had continued to have a serious impact on your and therefore their lives though, would you still advocate honesty?

It's hard to say. Like I say I don't want to have to say "children, I'm sorry, I haven't done this life thing very well and I've done my best but to be honest it's still a bit shit compared to how it could have been!' or not :)

[Violetcharlotte]

Kids need to learn by their own mistakes, so I don't think saying 'I did x even I was your age and look what happened' is helpful. When you're young, you think you're invincible and right about evening and your parent know nothing, so you're unlikely to listen to them!

I think if you have made mistakes in the past (and who hasn't?!) you shouldn't be beating yourself up over them. We make the decisions we make because that's what feels right to us at the time, what's important is what we learn from our mistakes and how we grow as a result.

The best way to help your DC take the right path, I believe, is to always try to put yourself in their shoes, remember what it was like to be their age and how you felt at the time, this will help you have a relationship where they feel they can talk to you about anything, without judgement.

[Neverknowing]

My mum always pretended her past was great (to shield us) and it turns out her past was incredibly black including a heroin addiction, awful abuse, severe depression and anxiety. I wish she had spoken to me about it as when I had went through an abusive relationship and depression she acted like she didn't know anything and her experiences would have helped me.
My sister knew all of these things but for some reason she felt she couldn't talk to me. Obviously I don't blame her it was traumatic for her but she really acted like her life had been perfect, she never lied but I always felt her life had been so amazing and I was a bit of a failure.
Having found all this stuff out now as an adult it makes me feel a lot less close to her because she never trusted me with this. I would always be honest with your children, they need to know everyone (even mums!) go through hard things and it proves that they can come out at the other end, just like you did !

[unapaloma]

I have a similar issue blue coco - I was very timid and full of self doubt when younger, i got stressed abiut everything and had quite a bit of counselling.
By the time my DCs came along I was doing better, and have, I think, seemed to them as tho I have confidence that I know what I'm doing (and I'm happy that I've brought them up and cared for them well).
Now my early20's DD is full of self doubt, and feels she is a mess, and is even more upset because she feels there's no good reason she can't be happy, like me.

I've told her some of how I used to feel at her age, to try to make her realise its quite common, and that she can come out of it and be happy. But i worry that it could change her view of me, and that it might make her feel its inevitable she'll struggle.
Following your thread with interest!

[bluecoconuts]

I think in a funny way specific mistakes like that can be easier to address and sort.

Mine are more of a slow, steady wandering in the wrong direction.

[TakemedowntoPotatoCity]

I think - yet to be proved though I guess - that a lot of my shortcomings are down to bad decisions made by me when I didn't know any better or have really good advice. Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing. If I can veer my DD away from similar decisions e.g. going to a different type of school, while still allowing her to make her own decisions - I guess I mean try not to influence her, just give good, experienced advice, which I'm not sure I had - I will think I've done a good job.

[Crowdblundering]

Cluesue

Yes - I started volunteering with substance misusers 12 years ago which led to me setting up a project for teenagers which I get paid quite well for - my kids are proud of me .. so it backfired a bit

[Cluesue]

Crowdblundering what a bitch of a stepmother,I've known 2 ex heroin addicts and they've actually gone on and achieved more in life in terms of stability and success,financially,Personally and professionally that they inspired me greatly.

[WomblingThree]

I think if you are a good role model right now then that's good enough. Each day that you do good things is a day that you've shown them a positive experience.

I think people have a tendency to dwell too much on past mistakes, rather than concentrating on not making them again. You can't change the past, but you can make the present good enough.

[bluecoconuts]

Thanks. I don't mind sharing things with my children in a sense - I'm more worried i suppose that they may see me as a failure and not somebody to be respected.

[Crowdblundering]

You do not learn from others mistakes you learn from your own .. that said I told my kids I had been a heroin addict before they were born because their step mother was going to do it for me

[centreyourself]

moany your mum would be very proud of you.

[Littledrummergirl]

How old is your dd? My dc are in their teens or nearly and we have been very honest with them about our experiences. Dh was a horrific teen who narrowly avoided trouble mainly by not being caught. We have explained how these were poor decisions, the impact they made and crucially imo the impact they could have made. We explain the good and bad that came from our experiences. We try to show them the behaviour that we do want from them by doing it now ourselves.
Be honest, "I did x it was a stupid thing to do because..., as a result I....
I was lucky because y could have happened meaning my life would have been changed, instead of (positive experience ) I could have (negative experience ).
I know you are much cleverer than me and will learn from my experience and not do what I did."

This is something we do a lot and so far I have very well grounded dc who are amazing young people.

[bluecoconuts]

I don't know Ella though. I suppose we expect our children to notice but if they've never known any different they won't, necessarily.

[bluecoconuts]

In all honesty Rebel, not really. It's as good as it's going to get but every now and then I'm struck by how very different it could have been.

[EllaHen]

Thing is, I'm good with money because my parents weren't. Dh is committed to family time because he only saw his father 3 hours per week.

Sometimes, I wonder what lessons​ we are teaching our kids because we are providing the things we didn't have growing up.

Where will their determination, or motivation come from?

[RebelRogue]

Do you have a good life now? One that you're mostly happy with?
Most people make mistakes.. from really bad to small ones. The important thing is to learn from them and know that you can recover . That there is a way out.

You can advise your kids and use yourself as an example if they seem to start doing the same mistakes you did,but there's no need to make them an extensive list of things to avoid. There will be things they prolly won't listen to you about anyways.
And when they do mistakes(be it their own,or smth similar to you) be there to remind them that it's not the end of it. Be an example of that.

[bluecoconuts]

At any rate I suppose what I am conflicted with is acting as a 'warning' but also explicitly drawing attention to the fact that they should not look to me as a role model in many respects and I hope that is possible to do.

[bluecoconuts]

Thanks moany, that's the sort of thing I mean