AIBU to think that this is not the way to bring up our kids?

[user1473341778]

I came to work this morning very upset after an all too common situation with my dd3, ds2 and partner. Both children can be extremely clingy to me and fight with each other for my attention. I explain to them both that I love them and try and calm things down, but they cry and fight, usually when I’m trying to leave for work in the morning or if I'm the one leaving them at the childminders. This morning it started as I was trying to bring ds downstairs. It then got worse when the other half leaped out of bed giving out and cussing at the children under his breath. I couldn’t repeat some of the things he says. I find the whole thing so upsetting. I know every morning can’t be roses and sweet melodies but these instances are becoming more and more regular. DH blames me and says I’m too soft on them and I need to toughen up and my argument is that he needs to be more balanced with them so that they enjoy us both looking after them and are not clinging onto me and saying they don’t want him to tend to them. I don’t know what I’m looking for, I just want my kids to be happy and grow up nice people. DH says they are bullying me, but they are 3 and 2 for goodness sakes, I don’t think they are too different to a lot of kids at this stage. DH makes them out to be monsters sometimes and I can’t cope with the negative rumblings he comes out with when they are acting out, it’s wearing me down!!!

[misscph1973]

OP, my DC were very clingy at that age, and my DH also was convinced it was my fault. I think he still does. But we are very different people, and DC still come to me now, at age 10 and 12, not to him. I think it's a great loss for him. But people don't want the same things. I think your situation is quite typical for many parents, but by no means all.

Just ignore him. It will pass, your DC will stop being so clingy. You are not responsible for your DH's behaviour. You might influence him indirectly by not focusing on his less charming behaviour and not reacting. It works for me.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

I agree with Anditstartsagain.

Maybe he is at the end of his tether if you are continually letting them get away with things and being a soft touch. He mutters under his breath not rants at them.

It may be a cased where the OP needs to start setting some boundaries with the kids (or it may not).

[Anditstartsagain]

I would find it very frustrating if every morning was fighting and moaning because my partner is being overly soft and letting it go on. I would resent always being the bad guy because he doesn't want to do it. I would also be annoyed if he stayed in bed while I struggled. I would be furious if he shouted and swore.

I don't think there is a right answer to this without knowing you though because he could be a lazy nasty arsehole or you could be a soft touch turning your children into spoiled brats.

[NoLoveofMine]

There are more posts on this thread alone by people making sarcastic comments about how "of course you leave him!" and insinuating legions of posters flock to make such a comment routinely than anyone actually saying this

[Instasista]

Snort navy and white of course you LTB! This is MN! What happens when your husband loses his temper or swears is you divorce. You take your children away from their father so can you have them 3 days a week each. You move them away from their home. You both buy new homes, each big enough for the family.

You seriously damage your families finances and future finances. You destabilise everyone.


Because you know. Abusive shit.

[QuiteLikely5]

Tell him to bloody wise up!

They bully you? Wonder where two toots learn bullying?

At the end of the day you have both got different approachable to parenting - they are going through age and stage appropriate emotions - it's up to him to realise that and manage it. Not to expect them to act like ten year olds!

Keep nurturing your children regardless of the manchild

[Instasista]

I think you're onto something here OP- the want you because he's moody. My DH can be quite shouty when he's stressed (well can't we all!) and I can see DC withdrawing and coming to me.

Mornings are stressful- can you have a reasonable conversation about what can make mornings better? This is unlikely to resolve itself.

Agree though, it's not abusive.

[FizzyGreenWater]

He is at the VERY least a big part of the problem.

[Devorak]

[NoLoveofMine]

It's difficult to say more without more details. From what's been written, the OP's husband is being negative and with increasing regularity swearing at them in the mornings. Whether this is abusive depends on if he's saying it to them or just quietly to himself, but it's not too helpful given it's happening more regularly and the OP is trying to sort them out as well as get ready for work.

Those suggesting people think he's abusive because he's a man I presume only see what they want to see when reading posts. Most threads have people coming down on both sides, if anything I'm surprised how often clearly unpleasant and even controlling men have more defending them than I'd have expected. Seems to me there's quite a wide range of opinions on most threads. I could say some always defend the man no matter what (as is far more common in society generally).

[Devorak]

I was being extremely sarcastic. The lowest form of wit, I know.

The best father I know - my husband - called our youngest a mother-fucker last night although under his breath at 5 this morning and in a different room. There was some insincere shouting from him as he went upstairs and he ended up reading them a story and snuggling down with them for an hour before they made pancakes.

The OP may well be being too soft and that means her husband will always be the bad guy. I simply feel surprised when others, with no more information than we have, leap to him being abusive.

AIBU is a great resource and has made me realise I'm being unreasonable a few times. When it's an echo-chamber with predictable "he's abusive" and "LTB" it has no value whatsoever.

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

He needs to spend quality time with them, do fun stuff, play, bath, etc... it's normal for young kids to prefer one parent or have separation anxiety, it's real anxiety not bullying. He needs to realise they are young children and he is the adult.

[araiwa]

"Of course you were on the OP's side Devorak without reading her post. Some women always are. Even without fully understanding whether this man is abusive. LTB? In that snippet of info? FFS."

woosh

that thing passing over your head was clear sarcasm

[Whosthemummynow]

Devorak

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

DH is an idiot, at best. Kids are exhausting when they're like that and he needs to be a parent. Parenting doesn't stop because you're tired or whatever.

Swearing under your breath is childish behaviour and creates a nasty atmosphere. If what he's saying is so bad the OP doesn't want to repeat it then he's really an arsehole.

I often wonder about people who really believe children have it in them to bully and control their parents, like they're some Machiavellian geniuses behind all the tripping over and bumping into things.

OP, they're just tiny kids and you're going everything right. DH is an idiot. Point him to some child psychology books (or websites even) and see if he can get the most basic understanding of children and why his "approach" is stupid and harmful.

[53rdWay]

Depends a lot on what you mean by "giving out and cussing at the children under his breath"

Hissed "oh for fuck's sake" followed by "Right come on then, DS, trousers on!" - not brilliant but not big cause for concern, probably can be fixed by taking some time to agree a strategy for mornings together and making sure you're on the same page w/r/t realistic expectations. (2yo and 3yo aren't 'bullying' an adult!)

"Get your fucking trousers on DS you little shit" - absolutely not on.

In context of swearing and shouting it is concerning if they're both clinging on to you and saying they don't want their father to look after them.

[tweezers]

All small children get anxious at one time or another. It's not an attempt to "bully" their mother. It's normal. Mornings can often be stressful with small children and what can go wrong, will go wrong. You don't need this extra stress of criticism by him when you're trying to get everyone out the front door.
It sounds from what you have said as if his "muttering under his breath" and general intolerance and criticism of you as being weak, right in front of them - have made the whole situation extra tense for you and the kids are picking up on that. Why is he blaming it all on you? What is his actual strategy to make mornings run more smoothly other than telling you to be "tougher" on them. What is he personally making himself responsible for? Getting "tougher" with anxious children will not calm the situation and certainly won't get you all out the door anymore smoothly, You'll be exhausted before you even get to work IMHO. That's one thing.
The other is.. are there any practical things you could do to "bomb proof" the morning, so that small fixable things causing anxiety are not adding to the scene. Eg.. our worst mornings were when I'd forgotten something they needed, or misplaced keys etc, or had no petrol in the car causing more delays stopping at garages.
Forgive me if you already do all this but just in case, what worked for us was to get everything laid out for the kids the night before, top to toe and also for the adults. (its amazing how resistant they all were to this at first so don't expect an overnight fix) A key place for the keys and sunglasses etc..their bags by the front door as a bedtime routine. A family planner with any school needs written in, checked every night or programmed with alerts into your iphone. Breakfast decided on andset etc..If this is the friction point.. box of snacks in the fridge to get them out the door and nibble on the way (not ideal but better than no breakfast at all in the short term) All Sounds a bit OCD.. but if they have a clear simple routine to follow ( and I'm not suggesting you don't but that it's flagged up more to them) Finally. galling though it is, getting up 15 minutes early before everyone else and get yourself completely ready, it's worth it & will give you more time to deal with any problems and take some of the time pressure off you.
Annoying though it might be, you are then taking COMPLETE CONTROL of the mornings - then children will a bit calmer. Eventually they will start pitching in as they get a bit older and calmer and you will be more confident to talk to him calmly when the kids are not around - about his unhelpful, critical attitude.
There's no perfect way, anxiety is probably a phase, get through it anyway you can, and
know that you are doing your best. Best of luck.

[pointythings]

They are 2 and 3. It is normal for them to be clingy. This does not make them bullies.

But OP needs to develop.routines and be firmer. OP'S DH needs to help out in the morning instead of staying in bed and moaning. Teamwork needed here.

[Garlicansapphire]

Where does it say OP undermines him in front of the children?

And lets remember - it is hard work bringing up tiny kids both close together in age and both of you are under pressure right now. Why not try to have a discussion, not when you're stressed, about how to jointly approach parenting in difficult situations, without any accusatory 'you're wrong, I'm right' stuff. If thats not possible maybe try some counselling to talk it through in a safe environment - the tension and clash of styles wont be helping the children or improve their anxious behaviour. Its a joint problem.

[littleshitebing]

Our ds 3 is very clinging to me, fine when I'm not home, happy with dh etc. as soon as he sees me he is a little limpet, think it is a usual stage with them. DH does sometimes get annoyed by it (not swearing tho as that is unacceptable) but I think it's more annoyance at not being able to do anything, we both know it's a phase which will pass.

You need to speak to your DH though as he maybe feeling left out etc. or like he isn't needed etc. I know that dh can feel like crap when ds refuses to go near him when im around.