My DD (21) works in a local restaurant, part-time. She has barely been scheduled for the last three weeks due to - she says - a personality clash between her and the (new) manager.
She has just come downstairs claiming that she's had an anxiety attack, burst into tears and expected me to call in sick for her... 90 minutes before her first shift of the week is due to start.
I am apparently being very unreasonable, and a cunt - to quote her - because although I cuddled her on my lap for a while (had no choice but to, really), I said that she has to go to work, otherwise the new manager will probably sack her. He has already informed her that she is unreliable and "no good" at her job. There are other issues there, apparently, but I only get one side of it, so...
Am I being unreasonable to refuse to call in sick for her and to encourage her to go to work today?
(There is a backstory, which I'll explain here so as not to drip feed... my DD has severe mental health issues, including a diagnosis of NPD. She worked out a long time ago that if she cries, most of the family will instantly rush around to make her happy again. I don't believe for one second that she genuinely had an anxiety attack. I suspect that she simply fancies a day lounging about and moaning about how awful her life is, how she doesn't understand her uni essay so is simply not going to do it, and how Google have offered her a full-time job... which I also don't believe, but that's what I was presented with within 5 minutes of my waking up this morning! Her crying today seemed contrived, because as soon as I said "you have to go to work"... the tears stopped, I was called an unreasonable cunt, and she stamped her way back upstairs. She is now in the shower. I suspect that she also had a row with her boyfriend last night as, instead of staying with him as she had informed me she was going to, she made my mother drive out to fetch her home again after two hours in his company. Which would explain her behaviour today. Normally I would be discussing this with my counsellor, but it's a Saturday and she's rightfully enjoying a life without my daughter's manipulative dramas...!)
AIBU?
AIBU to tell my DD that she has to go to work today?
contrary13 · 22/04/2017 11:59
PM whenever you like 
if you are being bashed around you are not alone - although you may feel as if you are as it's horribly shameful to talk about. (Even when your child can't help it).
She sounds terribly unwell TBH. If she is like the friend I had who was delusional and paranoid she pretty much had no insight into her illness. Although at some level she must have because as soon as someone would (gently) try to get her to seek that person would become the enemy (happened to me after I suggested talking to the GP about her 'anxiety' - she was completely delusional). That was the protective mechanism I guess - she wasn't capable of being reflective
No advice but 
for you.
You're amazing but have been dealt crappy cards, as has your dd.
Who cares for the carers, that's the difficult question really isn't it 
So sorry, OP. I can't even imagine how you cope.
Are you managing to do anything at all to look after yourself? I am worried you will burn out. You need a regular outlet. Do you have a support group for parents who are going through what you are going through? Would a regular massage help? Whatever you consider to be relaxing. A time just for you.
I get that you want to be a rock for your daughter, but you have to replenish yourself also.
Oh Contrary - I know it's not much use to you but so many ((((hugs)))) and 
and 
- I wish there WAS more that could be done to help you, but without a huge turnaround in the whole system, and proper funding, it's not looking good.
I hope you did go and get her; after taking your DS to school first, of course. But then I hope you went. Sounds like it was the only "sane" moment of her morning, realising that she needed you; and help, safe-keeping, but mostly you.
User... yes, she's 21 physically. But mentally and emotionally? Even her psychologist has said that she's stuck in a pre-teen stage of life. She is gullible, trusts completely the wrong people (her boyfriends may as well be signalmen for all the red and dark pink flags they wave!), doesn't think long-term, and continually puts her own safety at risk. So... let her get on with it? With what? Allowing me to plan the funeral of my own child? Yes, she called me a cunt. Because I am her safety net. I know it sounds double-dutch (what does that even mean?!), but she attacks me - physically, verbally, emotionally - because she knows/trusts that I am never going to leave. I am the one constant in her life. She told me on Saturday, when she was on an "up" and sitting chatting with her brother and myself, that I am the only person who has ever told her that they love her. Apparently not even my parents have ever said that to her (although that's not surprising... they don't tell me, either). They adore her to the exclusion of myself, my brothers, my son, my nephews and my great-niece. She is very much their golden girl... and yet they don't tell her, have never told her, that they love her.
Pink... ?! In my opinion, "Wills and Harry" (and Kate Middleton, don't forget - she's been wheeled out, too) are doing more harm than good when it comes to MH and the services for it. Until they part with serious amounts of their money into the MH services... I won't believe they're doing anything other than (a) keeping themselves in the press and (b) pandering to their own self-absorbed whims. It's a shame, because Harry's a lovely bloke... but he and his brother are causing more harm than they are doing good. Also, my daughter has had these issues for 12 years now. Search my other threads. They predate this latest campaign. Not to mention the fact that my daughter isn't "open" about her issues. At all. Outside of the family (and on here, with total strangers who are never going to be able to do anything other than distantly offer support and advice to me... an anonymous poster at her wits end) I doubt very much that anyone knows she has MH issues. That's her perogative. I have bipolar and a serious social anxiety issue. My close friends didn't know about either until last year when my daughter left me for dead, and I ended up having to tell my best friend of 20 years, whilst sobbing on her shoulder, because she couldn't understand why I was telling her that I completely understand my daughter's mood swings (mine are completely under control, I've taken meds every day since I was 16, and are less extreme than my daughter's - because she also has a personality disorder, which I don't). There is such a stigma about mental health disorders, it's not even funny. And comments like yours, whether well-meant or not...? Don't help. Neither do "Wills and Harry" parading around "baring their souls" simply to keep the Royal Family immediate.
Devilish - thank you. We had a quiet afternoon, where we pottered around and I explained a lot of my father's childhood/my grandmother's life to my son, then ate a fantastic dinner before coming home and watching a film together. He was a bit subdued to start with, and just before he went to bed, but... I did my best to distract him.
Thumb - nope, she refused to acknowledge that she even needs the medication. One of the (deluded) things she verbally threw out during the row yesterday was that her psychologist has told her that she doesn't need to take the medication which he has prescribed to her/told her she will probably be on long-term. Another was that her psychologist hasn't actually diagnosed her with anything - which... I have the letter with the diagnosis' (?es) clearly stated. Mind, it's a step forward from a year or so ago when she insisted that I was "in cahoots" with the family GP, her psychologist and her counsellor, and was somehow paying them to claim that there was (is) something "wrong" with her. I also completely sabotaged her relationship at the time (she was ghosted) and had caused my parents to hate her (they adore her, it's almost Stately Home worthy!).
I'm fortunate enough (ha!) to know/recognise when she's tilting off her axis slightly. I know when she's lying to me. I know when she's being grandiose. I know when she's frightened... when she's hurt... when she's been hurt by others. I'm her mum. That's what I'm here for. Unfortunately, I'm also desperately trying to teach her to be responsible for her own safety/life, and capable of living without me.
She called just before she knew I had to leave to drive my son to school, to demand a lift home later. Last night, she rang to tell me that she had booked the hotel room so that she could have sex with a randomer from the 'net. She can't understand why I am so sad for her and disappointed in her. She's told me that she has broken up with her boyfriend... and then less than two days later, she's booking/paying for a hotel room (when she's too broke to pay for her puppy's food, mind!) so that she can have sex. I didn't need to know that detail. I don't want to know that detail.
As I was typing that last bit, she's just called again to demand a lift home immediately. She's been told that she's going to have to wait for a bit, because I'm in the middle of something. I've just been told to fuck off and die... and then, in the next breath; "Mummy, please come and get me..." She only calls me "Mummy" when she's ill or after something.
I don't want her to come home.
She's ill because she hasn't taken her meds.
She won't grasp this concept. Choice and consequence. Action and reaction. Ying and bloody Yang.
I barely slept last night, because I was waiting for a 'phone call to tell me that my daughter was dead. When I did sleep? Nightmares about having to identify bodies in a morgue. For all of "Wills and Harry"'s wittering on about MH... what about those of us who have no choice but to support those with severe MH problems? We don't get support. In any way, shape or form. We are the unsung army of parents, siblings and carers who tolerate abuse because we know they don't mean it/can't help it. But at what cost?
Devilish - her brother gets quite cross with his sister from time to time, because she's not the sister he remembers her as being. Last night, for instance, she was lovely. She was chatty, and laughing, and happy... and he didn't want to go to bed, because - like me - he knows that these phases are few and far between these days. They were chattering away about the few interests they have in common, she was asking his advice about something she'd written for uni and actually listening seriously to his opinion, they were swapping funny Youtube videos... and it was lovely to watch/be on the edges of. Then this morning, she woke up in a nasty mood and turned something I'd said into an excuse to launch both barrels of vitriol at me. Which she did in front of my son, and he became quite upset about the fact that she was berating me at the top of her voice for not having aborted her... which... wow. He's okay now, though, as she's flounced off out and announced that as being at home makes her absolutely miserable, she's off to sleep elsewhere, tonight.
She was supposed to start work at 11 today. She initially told me that she was working from 1pm onwards - and then that they'd called her and she wasn't needed at all. Except I overheard them calling her to demand to know where the hell she was, she was meant to start at 11, how dare she leave them in a situation where they're a waitress down... I overheard, because she put them on speaker in her room, whilst I was in mine, with the doors open. Last night, she was bragging about how the manager of another local restaurant happened to be eating in her section and overheard "the way that [the manager] spoke to [her]" and was disgusted by it. She was all smiles and giggles as she told us how the manager of the other place was encouraging... nay!, demanding... that she hand a CV in to them because she's "just what [they] are looking for... with the tattoos, and how pretty [she] is...". Do I believe this? No. It's exactly like the conversation we had about Google. She is in a manic stage, a severe "up" of the cycle, and is having full on delusions of being fabulous. Which I suspect that she knows are lies, and delusions, but she needs to boost her own ego and self-esteem by telling me/others in the hope that we'll tell her "but, of course!!! You're so beautiful/wonderful/smart/funny/whatever...!!!". This stage is worse than the depressive "down" stage where she won't get out of bed, in many ways. Not least because this is the stage where her behaviour becomes dangerous and she puts herself in risky situations...
And now she's flounced off, expecting a cavalcade of anxiety and pleas for her to come home to follow in her wake. Except... it's not happening. Because my son, the dogs (for yes, she has dumped the pup on me again!) and I are going to visit the village in which my father grew up, today. A whim visit. A last minute decision. But one which I've been putting off, even though my son has been asking to go there for months.
Am I worried about her? Of course I am. Actually, I am genuinely terrified that she'll come home in an urn. But she's an adult, and I cannot keep doing this. She made a choice this morning to be downright cruel and nasty both to and about me, in front of her brother. For absolutely no reason. She made a choice to flounce off out without her doorkey. Now is when she needs to face the consequences of those choices, I'm afraid, and understand that I and her brother are not here purely to be her emotional punch bags. We deserve better. As does she, but...
When I posted yesterday, I was already halfway to the "can't and won't do this anymore" stage. Today, after watching her smile of triumph and the delight in her eyes as she taunted me, and belittled me, and physically intimidated me... as punishment, I suspect, because of the work situation (I can't help but wonder if her being so lovely last night was so that I'd let my guard down)... I'm fully there.
And for anyone who read the very wise words about the choice I made between my ex and her... we never lived together, he was never left alone with her, and I know for a fact that he did not touch her. If she was abused, then it was by her paternal biological family. She adored him right up until my son was born (whom she informed the radiographer at my sexing scan, had to be a boy because if he turned out to be a girl... she would throw her in the dustbin with all the other rubbish! Consequently, she was never left alone with my son when he was a baby...!) then something seemed to shift in her brain and my ex was no longer permitted to be in our life. I haven't dated since. Because she won't allow me to. She's actually told me that. I have a DV counsellor because of my daughter. Because when she's like this...? She's dangerous. To herself, and to others.
But this afternoon? I'm definitely putting my son first. He and I quite like our escapes into the countryside around where we live, with no real agenda other than "must eat at some point", and we're fortunate enough to live in a beautiful area. If his sister returns and continues to behave the way that she does, then my son will be going to stay with his Dad and stepmother for a while (whether he wants to, or not). Because he is a child, and my daughter is an adult... and realistically, there's no choice about which one of them I have to protect.
She'll never know how much I love her. She'll never understand it. Even if she has children, herself. She said last night that I am the only person who has ever told her that she's loved by them Not even her "boyfriend" of 11 months has told her. He's told her that he doesn't trust her, that she smells and needs to shower, that she shouldn't drink with her medication, and that she's fat (which she really isn't)... but never that he loves her. And she believes that's acceptable (it's really not and she's worth so much better/more than he's convinced her she is).
But now, I have to stop waffling and round the canines and child up... and try my very best to hide my terror that my daughter is going to do something stupid today, and my upset at being berated and belittled for breathing, by her, this morning.
Thank you all, though. and or 
for/to you all.
This is the second thread I've seen in as many days where a number of posters make ignorant comments about someone who the OP describes as having "severe mental health" problems. PPs then begin attributing the behaviour to her being immature, lazy, a "nightmare", and comments like "21 is a little old to still be acting like this if she doesn't get her own way".
It's sad to see these comments.
OP I don't think anyone here is remotely qualified to advise you on this given your daughter's MH. I can only offer you my sympathy because it sounds like you are suffering an awful lot, as is your daughter.
Also really upset for both you and your DD, reading your last post contrary.
It does sound as though something happened to her around age 7, and that she has locked it down into a black box in her brain. At points in her life, that black box will try to open up (a bit like Pandora's box) and those are generally the best times to try and address whatever might be in there - but getting her to accept and act on that would be incredibly difficult, because the rumblings of what's in the black box could be scaring her silly.
I used to have a client who had terrible trauma issues with her mother - she desperately needed therapy and she knew it (she had to be sectioned a couple of times) but she couldn't face what was in her own black box, ever. It was just too much for her; but it kept trying to escape and giving her nightmares.
I think Achey has a good suggesion there, that you could maybe have a chat with the restaurant boss - maybe go above the manager's head to the owner, unless it's a chain, in which case chat to the manager. I don't know whether it would be a discrimination issue if he's deliberately not giving her shifts, if he knows about her health situation, but it might be.
Hope you have a quiet weekend
Thank you everyone for your comments - I went out with DS and the dogs for a very long walk, whilst my daughter went to work. She came home early, because there were few bookings, but she didn't call in sick and is now sat at the table working on her essay for university. She's on an "up" at the moment, which means that yes; there are delusions (I doubt very much that Google offered her a full-time job, f'instance!). I suspect that some of her comments/beliefs about her manager's treatment of her are her misinterpretations. Normally, she has a great time at work - she's been there for almost 3 years, and the other waiting staff/chefs/bar staff are a pretty good bunch of people (her stepmother used to work there, with some of the same staff, so they're known entities). However, as some of you have pointed out, she's using her illness as an excuse - usually, though, it equates to refusing to get out of bed, or do her chores. And she can't do that. Whether she likes it, or not (and I know that she doesn't), her MH issues aren't going to go away. This is her... for the rest of her life. And she has to learn to deal with it.
There is no way on this planet that I would kick her out of her home. For a start, as Achey said, the percentage of mentally ill teenagers/young adults living on the streets (although I think "existing on the streets" would be a better term) is too high. I know that if/when she leaves home, I am going to have to remind her to pay her rent, to attend her appointments with her psychologist/counsellors, to take her medication, to take the correct amount of medication, to shower... from a distance. My counsellor (for domestic violence, bizarrely) asked me a few weeks ago how I think she'll cope on her own - and wasn't remotely shocked when I said that I truly think she'll either kill herself, or end up locked away for hurting someone else. Because she'll come off her medication. Right now - and I know that some of you will think that I am spoiling or pandering to her - I have her medication hidden away and I not only hand her the correct amount each day, but I have to watch her take it to make sure that she does, on the suggestion of her psychologist.
She attends counselling sessions infrequently. She had another personality clash with her last counsellor (... yes; there's an emerging pattern of behaviour here) and was assigned to another. The replacement counsellor called to introduce herself to me, and to get a bit of background on my daughter. Which I gave - as much as I know, anyway. My daughter hadn't told her psychologist or her previous counsellor anything about why she needs their support, really. Nothing about the fact that she can't remember much of her childhood, nothing about the refusal to see her biological paternal side of the family (she refused point blank to have anything more to do with them when she was 7... and I've always wondered if they abused her in some way, to be honest, because she's "stuck" at that age and it was round about then that her behaviour started to change). She didn't tell them about the ways in which she has put her safety at risk, or about the fact that she was raped a few years ago. Nothing. So they were working with someone who was a blank slate to them. Now, they're not. Now, hopefully, they can make sure that she gets the help which she desperately needs.
To answer a few questions:-
(1) Her manager hasn't scheduled her for any shifts. She's been more than willing to work, right up until today, but hasn't been allowed to. He apparently even went so far as to tell her colleagues that they weren't to ask her to cover their shifts if they couldn't work them. Whilst I know she's in a stage of her cycle where she's the victim and everyone abuses her... I also know her well enough to understand that there is a grain of truth to this. She needs to work - ignore the finances for a moment. Working actually makes her happy. She likes her job. She usually gets on well with her colleagues.
(2) Yes, she will probably continue to live at home for a long while yet. This isn't something that makes me particularly happy, but for the time being, this is the only option that will keep her safe/alive. I'm not being dramatic, or over-protective here, either, unfortunately. Whilst I long for quiet evenings with full control of the remote, or the ability to eat what I want to for a change, I also know that I want that to happen with the added security of knowing that my children are both alive/safe.
(3) Her biological father has never been involved in her life. She saw his family until she was seven, was stalked by them when she was in college, and has full blown anxiety attacks if she thinks she's seen them in town. Her biological father was a nasty piece of work. My DS' father was in her life... forever, pretty much. We grew up together and got together romantically when she was a small toddler. Because of the lies which she told, which actually led to my making a choice - partner or child - and us breaking up, he won't have anything to do with her. His parents, siblings and wife, however, have been a great support - but can only do so much.
(4) I actually didn't get much choice about having a crying 21 year old on my knee today. One minute I was minding my own business, the next, she was on my knee. I have a disability myself which makes it difficult to shift a grown adult off my knee... but more importantly, I'm her mother, and she was incoherent at that point. Given her past history, I was honestly expecting to spend Saturday in A&E or the local police station...
(5) The pup... ah, yes; the pup. We already have a dog, who is knocking on a bit in years now - and I had been toying with the idea of getting a puppy whilst he's still with us, for a while. I was intending on researching breeds, finding a breeder, choosing a puppy whose final adult size/breed/origins would be known to us... My daughter saw an advert on the Internet, found a lift to the village the pup was being sold on from, and came home with her. We were her third home in as many days, I'm afraid, and we have no clue as to what breed she is, how big she's going to get... but she is a darling and has slotted into our home/lives as though she's always been here. However. My daughter does get a bit arsey about the fact that her puppy has decided that she's actually my puppy. Although as she cheerfully announced when I went "WTAF?!" at the puppy's arrival in our midst, when (if) she moves out... the puppy will be staying, anyway! As I'm typing this horrifically long response, I have a cat on my lap, a snoring elderly dog on my feet and a puppy curled up beside my chair, watching me in case I feel like wandering into the kitchen... She follows me everywhere, sleeps in my room (my daughter's room is a health hazard, to be brutally honest, and the puppy screamed the house down for the first few nights when she was crated in there - the first night my son and I moved her crate into my room, she slept through in silence, with our dog stretched out on the floor beside her crate... he won't set foot inside my daughter's room), and cries if I have to go upstairs and she's not allowed to go with me. It's not surprising, though, that she's decided I'm her person - my daughter spends most of her days at uni and her evenings in her bed/working when she has a shift/out drinking with her friends and boyfriend. I'm the pup's constant. My daughter, her owner, is her occasional. Did I want another dog right now? No. Do I have another dog right now? Yes. Can we cope with another dog right now? Without a doubt, yes. Am I still very cross with my daughter for doing what she did? Oh, yes. But it's done.
Thank you all, once again, for your responses - some kind, some supportive, some kick-up-the-arse (which I also appreciate). I am off to find my hidden bottle of and stash of chocolate, before my feet fall off completely! 
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