To think my friend's daughter is an adult who should be able to cope with this?

[user1485342611]

My friend's daughter is nearly 23. She was meant to go on holidays this Summer with a few friends, but one dropped out to go on holidays with her family, another decided to work abroad for the Summer and the whole thing got a bit messy and ended up being cancelled.

Disappointing obviously, but my friend is reacting as if her daughter has been through some major trauma. She and her DH have now altered their own holiday plans so they can do something that includes dd, and she's constantly talking about how this has had such a bad effect of DD's morale, she's learnt such a terrible lesson about people letting you down, she hopes she'll be able to move on etc etc.

AIBU to think this is way OTT. Her daughter is an outgoing, confident girl and should surely be able to cope with a minor setback like this. We've all had holiday plans fall through, or a friend let us down. It's just life, get over it, surely?

[Pinkheart5915]

Probably should be able to cope with that but I don't know the individual maybe she is wrapped up in cotton wool by her parents and never grown up but at some point she WILL experience disappointment as well it's part of life!
Or she could have problems that you aren't aware of which would explain it.

Whatever the reason of they want to change holiday plans that's up to them

[MagnumAddict]

She's still your friends child no matter what age she is so if she wants to change her holiday plans to involve her after a disappointment I can't see the big deal.

I also don't think you can be that great a friend as

1. if it was my friend and I thought this I'd be able to say something about it to her even if it was just to say please change the record! 2) you have come on to a forum to get strangers to belittle either her or her daughter. Some friend.....
   
   Have your holiday plans fallen through at some point and no one gave a shit? You sound a bit bitter.

[SuperBeagle]

I think it's got sweet fuck all to do with you, so why you'd think to post about it on here is beyond me.

[user1485342611]

It's a chat forum Magnum and I think my friend's attitude is OTT so came on to AIBU to see if others agree. If you don't agree with my stance fine. But being snide about a poster posting about a situation on AIBU and seeking opinions is a bit ridiculous.
Not really sure why you bother to read threads on here if that's your attitude.

[MagnumAddict]

Hmmm

I was commenting on the fact you sound bitter and not a fantastic friend. Not about the fact you posted on aibu which you are welcome to do, keeps me entertained!

That's just my opinion, which as youve posted here, you've asked for. Sorry to disappoint you and not slate your 'friend' and her daughter

[user1485342611]

I cannot for the life of me see how I sound 'bitter'. I am bewildered by my friend's over reaction. I'm certainly not asking anyone to 'slate' my friend or my daughter. What a strange assumption. I am asking them if my friend's reaction is unusual and if her daughter should be able to cope with a minor disappointment. That is what I asked for opinions on, not my motivation in posting.

But possibly you judge people by their own standards.

[user1485342611]

By 'your' own standards, I meant.

[Birdsgottaf1y]

If my DD had been looking forward to a holiday 'Abroad',bought the clothes for it and then was let down,if i could then goon holiday with her,i would. But we are all close.

I'm planning my 50th away, with two of my DDs (and GCs). To some,on here, who leave home and never look back,that probably does seem odd. In my circles,we go on holiday in big groups,including family and it all goes well.

OP are you sure you're not a Sibling etc,because your friend is telling you that her DDs morale is low, but you are saying that she's fine, as though you know her better than her Mother.

""No, she hasn't go anxiety or depression. Her mum would have mentioned it.""

Because we all discuss are periods of poor Mental Health.

What do people have against others being supportive to one another? "Being there" for someone in your life is more than putting a meme upon FB.

[Birdsgottaf1y]

"" I am asking them if my friend's reaction is unusual and if her daughter should be able to cope with a minor disappointment""

Leave others to decide their 'shoulds', especially when it involves their,or someone that they care about, emotional well being.

[MagnumAddict]

This is getting a bit silly, of course I judge people by my own standards - my own standards being if a friend did this I'd think 'that's nice, how supportive' but more than that I'd think 'it's up to them'

Now if you had came on and said your friends daughter's situation was going to have an impact on YOUR holiday plans, I'd have given a different response.

I perhaps shouldn't have said you sound a bit bitter but I just can't fathom why this would be bothering you enough to ask.

[user1485342611]

I'm asking because I'm curious to know what other people think Magnum, just as so many posters on AIBU start threads about something they've encountered that they find a bit OTT.

I'm 'bothered' by it because I have been listening to my friend talking about it for weeks and weeks, and am finding it hard to keep making sympathetic noises and sound genuinely sorry for her daughter, when I'm getting a bit bored of it by now.

If I was genuinely really really bothered about something I wouldn't post about it on here. I come on here to discuss things that mildly irritate or bemuse me, in a way that I can remain anonymous.

[loverlybunchofcoconuts]

It sounds a lot of fuss, but you really don't know everything about your friends DD - you already mentioned that she didn't mention that her DS moved into a flat - she could much more easily have not mentioned a number of upsets or setbacks in her DDs life, which didn't match the view she likes to have about how here DDs life goes.

I have a number of friends who know what sorts of practical things are going on in my teen/adult DCs lives, but I would not share their emotional problems and anxieties because it would seem like that is not for me to share and could cause embarassment.

I think you could be a bit more generous, and ask your friend how her DD is reacting, and, if she says she hasn't said much, help your friend realise that she's perhaps worrying too much, and her DD can sort her own life. She may however, tell you more, so that it all makes a bit more sense.

[shellhider]

No, she hasn't go anxiety or depression. Her mum would have mentioned it.

Maybe she wouldn't, after all if she's got a friend who goes broadcasting their private business on Mumsnet then the last thing she would want to do would be to tell that 'friend', surely?

[user1485342611]

The reason I'm 'broadcasting' it on Mumsnet is because I don't speak about her business to anyone in real life. And I have changed a few small things so that neither I nor her can be identified.

[shellhider]

I'm fairly sure that she would recognise herself and that wouldn't be a nice feeling would it, to me that'd suggest that a 'friend' couldn't be trusted.

[Witchend]

My dd are similar to Cory. Outwardly very confident. Most people only see that side of them.
Inwardly they aren't and although they can seem totally coping with major issues, it's often the small things that really make them struggle.

Most of my friends don't know that one of my dc was referred to CAHMS for selfharm and more. To me, that's not my information to share. I think I have told three people. one for advice as her dc had been through it, one for reassurance as her dd was just starting it and the other because professionally she could offer inside information.

If something like that happened to my dc then to them I would be calm and very much "oh things happened, never mind" but I might moan to a friend about it.

[user1485342611]

No, she wouldn't recognise herself. Believe me, I've disguised things enough. Not that I think she ever looks at Mumsnet anyway, but even if she did she wouldn't realise this was her.

[RintelsPoint]

It's one Summer where she might not get to go abroad with her friends. Hardly a major trauma or tragedy.

You say the holiday was meant to be for a "few weeks" and that the DD is finishing college and jobhunting afterwards. It doesn't sound like a standard holiday to me - more like something that's been talked about throughout college ("the summer we finish we could..."), a longer holiday in their last free summer before jobs tie them down a bit, etc. 3-4 weeks backpacking around somewhere could be (or feel like) more of a one-off than two weeks by a pool in the sun.

The mother's reaction seems ott - maybe she is living vicariously through her DD and never got the chance to travel so is disappointed, whilst the DD is putting a face on but actually struggling as PP have suggested?

(If I'm right - get it through to the DD that backpacking solo is awesome and resolves the flaky friends situation. )

[livefornaps]

Like pp say, she's still your friend's child, whatever age she is. Maybe she's harping on a bit, but it's not like your children reach 18 and you stop feeling any disappointment for them when things don't work out.

It sounds like she was really really excited for her daughter, maybe because she has her own memories of going away at that age?

Whether or not she rearranges her own holiday plans to include her daughter does not concern.you.

Just smile and nod or change the subject. Maybe with "so did you go off on a girl's break at that age then? I bet you were a terror..."

[Dawndonnaagain]

If this happened to my very confident dd I'd be organising something too. My extremely confident, outgoing, lively dd spent a recent weekend in hospital having taken 40 paracetamol, topped it up with Night Nurse and half a bottle of Tequila. Again. She frequently ends up in my bed at 3 in the morning, worried. Last night she was talking about ending it all again because people were having a go at her because they think she's lively, confident and can take it. Be very careful with your judgements, you have no idea what goes on at 3 am.

[Knittedfrog]

I would be exactly the same as her parents.
Dawn, sending you and dd love. You're right people have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone has their limit and breaking point. What some people see as a trivial blip is a massive ordeal to others.

[honeylulu]

My sister tends to over react at the slightest disappointment and my parents fuss over her and I swear she has become worse over the years as a result.
Being sympathetic is one thing. Pandering doesn't do any favours.
On the morning of my wedding she (chief bridesmaid) had a huge tantrum, big snotty tears and wails because it rained when we were having some photos taken in the garden and she thought her hair was "ruined". Cue parents fussing over her to console her and taking over my bedroom to help her fix her hair. Meanwhile mine was soaked as well but never mind I was only the bride!
She now doesn't speak to me because I've got a daughter and she hasn't. My parents justify her behaviour as "she's so sensitive".

[Mrs9C]

YANBU, it's life, she might as well face up to it at 23, it's better to learn early that people let you down. Can't stand dramas being made out of nothing, don't think they've had a genuine drama if that's the case, my neighbour is like that, it's quite exhausting.

[Livelovebehappy]

I think as parents we always place a lot of importance on the happiness and wellbeing of our own DCs. But I've also been in situations where I've thought friends are over reacting with their DCs, and I think you're probabally a bit detached from situations in respect of how others parent, but are a bit blinkered when it comes to your own.