AIBU re DP's 'friend'

[battgirlatheart]

Please give opinions on this as I'm told I'm very unreasonable.
DP has a friend. More of a mate to be honest. They are now in their forties and first met early 20s at work.
When DP got with his now ex wife and was with her for 11 years the mate wasn't on the scene classic lost touch etc etc
Made friends again in recent years via fb.
Friend lives 200 miles away.
I met friend and his woman quite early in our relationship. Right away she spent the whole evening going on about how much money she had made a massive deal. Got drunk very quickly was very loud and quite embarrassing and had to pulled away from trying to wrench my handbag off me because she liked it and thought she should have it!
My DP says friend has issues with her drinking and behaviour.
I think she had issues about money as DP had told his mate I lived in a big house etc which is not because I have money but needed as my child is disabled from birth negligence.
Despite this I offered and suggested they were welcome to come stay and we could go into London etc as in outskirts and the lads could go play golf.
They never came despite me asking DP to invite them and suggesting we go visit them (would stay in hotel) as I had friends in same area too but nothing.
Fast forward six months and I plan DP 40th.
First people I messaged was this mate to say in four months time it's his birthday do you think you could come down. I was thinking surprise party but few weeks later decided to have a lovely weekend in London.
I said I would pay for hotel meals theatre they just needed to get here and pay for drinks and their spends at casino.
I asked a few times he kept saying he has to sort work so this was causing me not to be able to book till two weeks before and more fobbing off I just booked for me and DP.
Had a lovely weekend but then this mate and his woman launched as to what I can only describe as a bitch fest at me on fb neither had befriended me but on his page etc
People noticed I was upset and I explained about how his mate had let him down and not replied to even say sorry work etc can't make it.
At this point friend lied through his teeth claimed I had never even invited him. Luckily I still had the messages on fb so could prove I had and mate had acknowledged.
This caused massive issue as mate made up other lies as to what I had said claimed I must have deleted messages but refused to screenshot things to show my DP
DP believed him jumped down my throats was very nasty and hurtful to me and took me hours to point out mate was lying and get him to believe me
DP thinks I should just get over this says it's all my fault that I am driving his friends away wtf??
He has many issues with strange thinking like this.
He thinks I should hold no hurt
He thinks he shouldn't have to call out friend for lying to him and about me
He thinks I am being unreasonable
I think he is
He thinks you should let people hurt you but brush it aside not let it get to you which is ironic as he hasn't spoken to his own mother in ten years as when divorced his dad wanted fair share of house and had the decency to wait till DP moved out!
I think brushing things aside just means you're a walk over and setting yourself up for more hurtful behaviour. Weirdly he's very vocal about my friends and how they act.
AIBU or is he?
Stupid thing is he rants that we live on a golf course it would be ideal for mate to come stay and they play and I'm even now happy to let that happen I just think an apology would be kind but friend wouldn't do this as he's not that type
Sorry for long story didn't wish to drip feed.

[user1471558436]

Forget the ring. Sell it to cover the financial loss on your part. It's only symbolic if a disfunctional relationship. Why keep it? Get rid of it and him. Move on with your life.

[Lochan]

Bat it doesn't matter why he's treating you badly.

There is no excuse for his behaviour that will make it ok.

There's a very good reason the other women left him.

[Lochan]

Throw him out.

He's only with you for your house and money.

If you need the physical support that he provides - pay for it, it will be cheaper than this cocklodging, abusive waste of space you are living with.

Call your two best friends, apologise and ask for help and support to throw him out.

[battgirlatheart]

I don't mean that as an insult but I'm pretty sure he is on the spectrum
My 21 yr old has Aspergers I've read loads and can see all the pointers
I've given him the benefit of the doubt for two years. Begged him to get help. Family have suggested the same apparently but what more can you do apart from have extended patience tried all you can. You have to wonder at that point maybe my sympathy is wrong if he doesn't want to get help. He's pointed out my depression and pmt I listened and sought help.
Does he have such problems as autism is he damaged from every woman leaving him is he narcissistic or is he just not a very nice person as everyone has said basically
I've most likely been wrong for making allowances

[LadyPW]

He's either autistic or just plain selfish and hurtful
I was feeling sympathetic until this bit.

[ExplodedCloud]

Stop focusing on details like the ring. You paid for it. He's paid you a fraction of the cost and you could keep it anyway. He beat you and has cocklodgered you.
The gravy train ends here. Change the locks. Ensure your safety and concentrate on living well.

[battgirlatheart]

Hi no help
Social services cane out to assess if I was at risk. She said she normally helps adults whose partners have dementia or special needs etc the police felt I was at risk due to partners special needs and obvious ones.
She said she felt I knew what to do had my wits about me and gave me some local numbers of women's aid etc
Had no help re court police woman didn't come back to do victim impact statement and now on holiday

[April229]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through OP. if you have the means to leave it's a no brainier. Change the locks, make the police and any other agencies know you have separated and focus on yourself and you kids for s bit. I don't think anyone who reads this will tell you any other advise.

As for the ring, it's yours to do what you want with.

[PutUpWithRain]

An IDVA is an independent domestic violence advocate - a person who is assigned to someone who is viewed as an especially vulnerable victim of domestic abuse. Given the situation you describe, you should have been referred to them, and they would have been able to help you both with statements, financial advice, emotional support, counselling, practical advice, and most especially how to handle things with the CPS (although the Witness Support Team would also have a part). Have you had no support regarding the assault charges? And how have the CPS justified prosecution, when there were no bail conditions?

[KazenoTaninoNaushika]

You sound like you've dealt with such a pile of shit from him...so sorry to hear that . I'm so glad for your sake that you've papped him out!! From what you've described he sounds dangerous to your emotional and physical well-being. Stay strong...it'll be hard if he is messaging you constantly but you know you and your DC are better off without him.

[battgirlatheart]

I can't move again
I moved here just six months ago uprooting kids only just got my boy in a special needs school and half way settled
I don't have control of my sons trust fund they would not allow another move so quickly

[accendo]

Fuck the ring, it's the least of you worries. Get rid of this abuser before he kills you. What will become of your son then?

[Madwoman5]

Forget the ring, it is the least of your problems. Once he has gone I would be tempted to move away and start again somewhere safe. Sell the thing and put the money towards a break for you and your son, he does not deserve a penny. You went from an abusive father to another abuser and it is time to break the pattern. You need professional help to deal with your self esteem issues. None of this is your fault, you are just following a path that is familiar and it will only bring you more sorrow and grief. So he was good with your son....so what? He broke you and that is not a healthy atmosphere or environment for him to grow up in. Stop justifying your existence and every move and just do what you know you must. Stay strong.

[EatSpamAmandaLamb]

Umm you are barking to stay in this relationship. Move on. Change your locks. Return the car, return the ring. Remove him from every piece of paperwork connected to your house. He sounds like a dangerous man.

[battgirlatheart]

Given all he's had financially and emotionally out of me

[battgirlatheart]

Should the ring be sold to negate him of his promise to pay me back?

Should he be true to his word and pay me back and I be allowed to keep the ring?

[Madwoman5]

So he doubted your word despite you showing him the exchanges and his mate showing him no evidence to the contrary? No no no OP. This is not acceptable. Dp is showing no loyalty to you. This friend of his has lied through his teeth, taken advantage of your good nature and still your dp wants him to stay in your house? He really does have it made doesn't he? Where's your fight girl? Please do not marry this man, he is using you. He has his ass wiped financially, steers clear of backing you up, commitment and respect is missing. If he really loved and respected you, he would honour his agreement and find the money to pay for the ring as he said he would, instead of just assuming it was ok to pay half. He would respect your views, your home and your son. You deserve so much more.

[user1471558436]

Be on your own. Learn to love yourself and commit to being a single mum. You and your son wil have a much better life.

[redshoeblueshoe]

Bloody hell.
Move away. Block him on FB and your phone.

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

It sounds as though you have money.

He sounds like a violent, spiteful cocklodger.

Leave him, if not for you then for your child.

[ExplodedCloud]

Definitely keep him out. You are worth more than you think!

[battgirlatheart]

This is what worries me
This is why as of yesterday he's out of here but he's messaging me saying these things
I'm not having him back
My boy is upset missing him but I know he would be more upset without his mummy
I've thought many a time shit he's going to kill me.
I don't need him I'm independent money wise
House and bills sorted
I don't need him for anything
I just needed to hear this from strangers.
He says my friends hate him and are biased well this is proof that normal people think he's not acting correctly
I thank you from the bottom of my heart

[ExplodedCloud]

Who's going to look after your son if he assaults you even worse next time?

[battgirlatheart]

What's idva?
My dad abused me as a child in every way
Partner tells me it's all I'm worth
He's most likely correct

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

he's a cocklodger - got you paying for everything to keep him in your life.

STOP IT!