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AIBU?

Partner an teenage kids don't get on

44 replies

round2mum · 15/04/2017 21:30

First time poster! Not even sure if I'm on the right thread? Apologies if I'm not
So I have 2 teenage children, boy 18 an girl 16. My boy has a number of special needs hence why I'm so protective!!!
I've known my partner 12 yrs had a brief fling about 10 years ago but decided to go separate ways for different reasons. 2 yrs ago ended up getting friendly again an decided to give it another go, I fell pregnant soon after an so we moved in together into his house as it was bought an mine was rented. He also has a 12yr son who lives with him. All got on great until about 10 months ago when partner started nit picking about little things children did, complaining if they didn't do chores saying stuff like "my house my rules don't like it you know where door is"
Now he says they are freeloading off him an they need to get jobs an pay their way!! I'm at breaking point as I'm the one constantly in the middle. Both are still in education so I don't see it's fair that they should contribute when they have no money coming in themselves.
Is he being unreasonable or am I too soft?

OP posts:

Report

magoria · 15/04/2017 22:19

Your 'P' has made it clear it is his house and your DC are there under sufferance and he can boot them out any time he feels like it.

Why are you considering yourself in the middle and not protecting your DC?

Imagine how it feels to be told it isn't your home!

One has barely left full time education, the other will be in some form of education for at least 2 more years.

He is showing you what he is.

Put your DC first or don't be surprised when they leave at the earliest opportunity and have little to do with you because you allowed them to be treated like this.

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/04/2017 22:21

But what is it they are doing that annoys him?

If they are literally not lifting a finger and living like pigs, as much as the way he is dealing with it is wrong, things should change on both sides.

underneaththeash · 15/04/2017 22:30

OP - does the 'd' key not work on your keyboard? Its and not an.

My teenage niece writes like that too.

SootyShearwater · 15/04/2017 22:39

OP - does the 'd' key not work on your keyboard? Its and not an.

My teenage niece writes like that too.

In the grand scheme of things, does that really matter, Underneath? Really?

underneaththeash · 15/04/2017 22:42

sooty - I think you missed my point.

Mulberry72 · 15/04/2017 23:15

That must be horrid for your DC OP.

I could not live anywhere that my DC were clearly not welcome.

Your 'P' sounds a delight!

Voice0fReason · 15/04/2017 23:43

I can't see this improving. It's all happened far too fast and the ground rules were never discussed or agreed. It's all his rules.
Sod that - your older 2 deserve better. Your youngest will still be able to see their dad, but you need to be living separately.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 15/04/2017 23:54

It really annoys me when women put a partner before their children. You obviously aren't happy or you wouldn't be questioning it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/04/2017 00:02

Any man said that shit to my DD, would have my foot so far up his arse, my toes would tickle his tonsils.

Yeah it'll be sad your youngest isnt living with her father, but she'll always have a secure home with you, atm, your other two cant say the same.

My nephew is 18 and works for things he wants, his DM and DStepdad pay for the essentials.

Moanyoldcow · 16/04/2017 00:05

Your children are in full time education - of course they shouldn't be paying board. Job for pocket money of course but not more than that - they should be concentrating on their studies.

Just leave. Your owe it to yourself and your children to get away from this selfish man.

QuiteLikely5 · 16/04/2017 00:10

What an absolute shame that your lovely kids have to put up with such an a*hole

You can chose who to spend your time with but they can't they have no option but to see and live with this man on a daily basis.

It's supposed to be a family home not 'his home' but hey at least you know where you stand.

Never mind the baby in your tummy you have to do what's best for all of you

honeyrider · 16/04/2017 00:30

I could never be with someone who would treat my children like that. He's shown you what he really is, if you want to have a good relationship with your older children in the future you need to be their parent and get away from that abusive twat.

Madwoman5 · 16/04/2017 02:26

Partner knew you were a package. What did he think, that they would stay four forever? That is YOUR home and THEIR home. If he sees it as HIS home, you are going nowhere. Teens can be challenging, no doubts there. Do they do their bit around the house? You need to talk to him and find out what is behind this. Kids stay home much longer now and if you have to deal with his smouldering resentment and a new baby, you will be miserable. You are not denying your unborn child their father, if you decide to go, you will be ensuring they witness and grow up a loving and respectful family and all that goes with it. Who needs an angry and resentful male role model in their life?

thecatfromjapan · 16/04/2017 02:58

At the very least, you have to show him you will not tolerate this. Why should you tolerate this? It's awful.

He's trying to come between you and your children. Decent people don't do that. He's abusing your children. They're in education - how on earth are they going to pay him rent? Does he want them to leave education? What does he want? Answer: to bully them - and bully you, through them. He bullies you, directly. The whole 'This is my house' thing is utterly bullying and extremely destabilising.

At the very least, you have to make it absolutely clear you won't tolerate this. He's pushing, to see how far he can push. That's classic abusive behaviour. He's already pushed you a long way past sensible boundaries - bullying your children is a good long way over normal boundaries, and I doubt this is where he started. You probably didn't even notice when he started - you probably just felt a little uncomfortable. You've only started noticing now, a long way down the road.

You have to be prepared to follow through. Make plans to take yourself and your family back to your home if he doesn't stop this behaviour.

When did you become pregnant? Is your child here yet? Abuse tends to start/get worse in pregnancy - because the woman is vulnerable. Is that when he started pushing your boundaries?

A life with someone who bullies you, and targets your children to bully you through - and bullies dependent children (your children depend on you and your partner) - is no life. It's not joyful, is it? Why put yourself and your children through that?

Feckitall · 16/04/2017 07:46

I guess it depends on the relationship you have with your DC.
At 17 my DM moved us in with her DP. They had been together but not lived together since I was 4 and DB aged 3. No DC together..he had DC who lived with their mother.
I was part way through A levels and DB had just done O levels. DB went in the forces a few weeks later. Her DP made it clear I was to leave school and get a job or work around school...university was not an option...i also got the 'door is there use it '
They married within a few months.Still together 33 years later. I see DM a couple of times a year.Her DH hasn't spoken to me more than a handful of times in that time. DB and I were not part of the package...just the baggage..

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2017 07:49

Are people really saying it's OK to ask kids still at school for rent? Blimey.......

troodiedoo · 16/04/2017 07:55

Anyone who says "you know where the door is" lacks empathy and demonstrates an inability to communicate in a mature adult way. Your poor kids must feel very unsettled.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 16/04/2017 11:45

"Anyone who says "you know where the door is" lacks empathy and demonstrates an inability to communicate in a mature adult way."

Hmm, my DH says this to me if I'm dissatisfied with something about him. He's always said it and it's not his home anyway, it's always been ours. My answer is he is free to leave at any time. Guess we're not really mature.

AmysTiara · 16/04/2017 11:47

They shouldn't be paying rent. They are at school.

He sounds a right nob.

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