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AIBU?

Just one text

34 replies

Rebeccajane14 · 12/04/2017 07:11

Had the worse fall out last night with DP over girl that will not leave us alone. Last year she was really nasty, told DP she didn't like me for no reason when I made such an effort to be a good friend to her and we all fell out. Now she messages him and me and makes out nothing happened. I don't feel comfortable with her after she used to constantly tell my DP she loved him while she had a DP aswell. And still recently messaged MIL to say she liked him-yes we're adults which is pathetic.
We fell out because I asked DP to reply to her needy text to just say please stop with the messages and leave us alone. Nothing nasty just to get the point across but he won't. AIBU to have expected him to just send a text like that not just say "I'll ignore it" because this is beginning to stress me out it's a waiting game for the next text and is really straining on our relationship. I know I shouldn't take it out on DP but this girl is getting between our relationship and although DP wants nothing to do with her he still won't send her one little text to say stop.

OP posts:

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CigarsofthePharoahs · 12/04/2017 11:33

I agree you need to speak to the couple. Does her partner have any idea about what's been happening?
Once you have spoken to them, then its time to block the dp's phone as well.
If it persists then I would strongly consider involving the police. Its harassment.

DonaldStott · 12/04/2017 11:03

Yes. Email her dp. Tell him to tell her if she messages you again, from ANY account. You will be contacting the police.

Block him too. Your partner surely cannot be friends with him when his OH is declaring her undying love for your partner.

How bizarre.

stressedtothemax12 · 12/04/2017 10:18

Thanks for all the comments. I think it's clear now to me and DP it's bordering harassment and I am going to message the couple and explain this. Thank you all. We're all in our 20's, this really isn't needed and just seems so immature.

stumblymonkeyremix · 12/04/2017 09:28

In this situation personally:

I would, along with my partner, tell her DP what was happening

Explain to him that we need to block his number to stop the harassment

I would send one final text/message/letter or whatever to her to explain very clearly and neutrally that we were keeping a log of every contact made and that if she continued this unwanted harassment we would start to notify the police

I would then ignore all contacts but keep a record of date, time, content, etc

If it continued I would contact the police re:harassment

If this was a man doing the same to you I don't think you'd think twice about it being harassment.

She sounds mentally unhinged.

Laiste · 12/04/2017 09:22

stressedtothemax12 Wed 12-Apr-17 07:45:48 - She isn't a girl she is fully adult and older than myself. But she is not acting like one.

Are you the OP stressed?

Have your DP and hers had a discussion about this? It's a bloody silly situation.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/04/2017 09:10

Surely her dp would be able to find the messages on his phone? I would just reply to him now when you know her dps got his phone back and say - did you mean to send this?

I understand him not wanting to rock the boat (or sticking his head in the sand as I prefer to think!) but I'd ask him what would it take for him to say stop. She's already harassing him.

How close is he to her dp? This sounds like a conversation they should be having...

ems137 · 12/04/2017 09:07

What does her partner make of all of this?

I'm pretty sure my DH would have something to say if I was constantly harassing another man and then doing so using his phone!

Batgirlspants · 12/04/2017 09:07

I hate to add this but do you think your dh has had more intimate contact with her than you know and she's threatening to tell you if he ignores her? That might also account for why your partner hasn't told her partner his so called best mate.

Batgirlspants · 12/04/2017 09:05

All very strange op.

You and your do need yo both be on the same page here that it needs stopping. Then you both need to inform her and her partner that you want no more contact from her in any way and if that is ignored you will assume its harassment and stalking and you will involved the police.

I just struggle to see how on earth your dh is still friends with her partner??

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/04/2017 08:58

Hey op

Sorry I'm with you on this

I,don't understand why your partner is so passive with this

She messages him from her partners phone if all else fails? Seriously wtf, I would have told her partner ages ago, I'de also threaten her with the police for harassment, send her a solicitors letter to stop.
I also think it's cruel for our partner to not be worried about how stressed you are over this, none of it is normal.

If he won't deal with it, than maybe you should once and for all, your a grown up your allowed 💐

thatdearoctopus · 12/04/2017 08:36

Whilst I 'get' what people are saying re: ignoring the texts, I suppose what you are wanting is for your dp to stand up for your relationship in public by telling her he's not interested. Do you feel insecure that he seems reluctant to do so?

sobeyondthehills · 12/04/2017 08:22

Start writing it all down, include dates, times, make sure you keep the messages, change his number. If it continues make a complaint to the police.

shovetheholly · 12/04/2017 08:17

It sounds like a situation in which there are no firm boundaries, and I think you're right to ask for these to be established, for the sake of everyone's position and peace of mind.

However, this may be more difficult than it sounds, as it sounds like there are several people in this situation who are enjoying the tension, ambiguity and drama.

badabing36 · 12/04/2017 08:16

This woman sounds a bit scary. I can see why your dp wants to pretend nothing's happening, but I'm not sure that's going to work to be honest.

However, I don't think 1 text is going to sort it out either, and you pushing it adds to the drama and comes across as though you're testing him to be honest.

Does her dp know about this? If not tell him. If he does your dp needs to end the friendship I think. Then you can block her entirely hopefully.

highinthesky · 12/04/2017 07:59

There is a block function on phones. Use it!

AnguaResurgam · 12/04/2017 07:50

It took me a while to type all that, and I hadn't seen the OP's second post, which is more suggestive that the person she described as a girl is actually an adult

(I took the comment about 'we're adults' to refer to her and her DP not the person she'd described as a girl. And of course dealing with a girl is rather different to dealing with an adult, so I had thought it carried the normal meaning. Now I'm not so sure)

AlcoholAndIrony · 12/04/2017 07:50

Does this girl know that she is actually harassing you. It's bordering on obsessive/stalker behaviour and anything less than saying no and blocking will only allow her to continue to act the way she has been.

TBH id be very close to getting the police involved.

How do you know this person?

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2017 07:46

How old are the people invovled here please?

stressedtothemax12 · 12/04/2017 07:45

She isn't a girl she is fully adult and older than myself. But she is not acting like one.

user1471558436 · 12/04/2017 07:45

I think they are all adults angua.

user1471558436 · 12/04/2017 07:40

Have you or your DH talked to her dp about it?

AnguaResurgam · 12/04/2017 07:40

You say you're adults, but that she is a girl.

Any chance you could just tell her mother? How does she know DH? Because I was wondering if there is another adult who could intercede - if he is a teacher he could be on very thin ice so talking to someone on SMT could be worthwhile, or confiding in a colleague if there is any way his occupation could be described as being in a position of influence over her.

The text to a family member has tipped this from girlish crush into circumstances under which your DH really needs to take steps to protect his reputation. MIL must be told not to answer texts, but to keep then, just in case there's an investigation.

If there are sources of advice open to DH, he should consult them before any further action (don't forget unions can also advise, or professional bodies if the girl knows him from a sport or other national club).

If it's not linked to his occupation/activity, then it's less likely to be career damaging or criminal (as it's only position of influence that lead to the possibility if prosecutions if the girl/boy is over 16) but could still be reputation damaging. So he really does need to respond to all overtures (whether spoken or in writing) by saying he's not interested. I would say do it as kindly as possible, given that she is so much younger, but as this seems to have been running a while, then I think there's a risk that any kindness could be seen as encouragement, so it needs to be firm now.

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Laiste · 12/04/2017 07:38

''she used to constantly tell my DP she loved him while she had a DP as well.''

And your DP and he are still great mates? If this is the same partner she had when she was flirting with yours then this is never going to be a normal couple relationship (or a particularly normal bloke relationship) and he needs to block her, block him and forget all about them both!

Sirzy · 12/04/2017 07:36

If she is that determined then realistically she isn't going to listen to a stop message anyway?

user1471545174 · 12/04/2017 07:35

This needs to be stopped OP. Your husband should help you with this. If he can't ask her to stop, can he ignore the texts?

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