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AIBU?

To not put up with this behaviour anymore?

44 replies

MrsChopper · 08/04/2017 09:30

Hi everyone

I am just looking for a bit of perspective on my mother's behaviour.

When she doesn't get her own way she has these tantrums to make you feel bad for her and give in. Over the years she has fallen out with most people. That includes friends and most of our family. She always plays the victim, nothing is ever her fault. She doesn't have a partner either so at times I think she gets bored. I am an only child and feel that she thinks it's my responsibility to keep her entertained. We see her and MIL usually once per week, sometimes more.

Her tantrums include whining and crying and then getting angry. She often is aggressive in general. She recently kicked her dog in one of her tempers in front of my neighbour's poor DC. She once threw a bottle of pop at DP's head. Then tried to pretend it didn't happen. Never apologised. He was setting up her printer so it happened out of the blue.

If I tell her I went for a walk I get told off for not asking her. This is for every little thing we do. She also does this to other people, like nobody is allowed to do anything without her. She treats me and DP like children, often referring to us as 'the kids'. This drives me mad!

Her latest tantrum was regarding our DC and her being sick of our 'rules'. This was because we asked her to wash her hands before picking our baby up. She sneezes and coughs into her hands and I find that really grim. She also pokes her fingers around her mouth. She does not understand basic hygiene. Her response was 'I am his friggin grandmother'. I tried to explain that that does not magic germs away! She has not apologised for her behaviour (never does). DP wants nothing to do with her anymore. I can see why most people stop talking to her.

Sorry this is long. I could write a book about this I have got so many examples. AIBU to not give in to her tantrums anymore? I usually apologise (even if I feel I have done nothing wrong) and try to keep the peace but I am really fed up now.

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MrsChopper · 15/04/2017 15:39

*still lived with her!

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MrsChopper · 15/04/2017 15:38

Thanks for the kind replies. It has been a revelation! I actually really wished we were in the position to move away. I feel like she is on my doorstep! It was a lot worse when I still loved with her. Might explain the horrible tantrum she had when I told her I was moving out!

She wants to drop off DC's easter present. Luckily I am out for the day. I am dreading this as I find her a bit intimidating.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/04/2017 11:03

Like a gamerchick said, the guilt will stop eventually.

I also lost tolerance when I had my own DC.

Now you are reading, learning, seeing what is really going on, realising the depths of her selfish manipulation, you might break free pretty quickly.

I think the most dangerous thing is close proximity. They can get at you and mess with your head, you end up on constant high alert, sprinting out of Asda to avoid another public exhibition. I moved country. So did my siblings. It's great.

LonginesPrime · 15/04/2017 10:50

She sounds like my mother (and my late grandmother).

I have to go NC for a while when she gets like that. Not to send her a message, just because I refuse to be manipulated by her and don't need that shit in my life.

I have minimal contact (special occasions, etc) and sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's not, but I had to move a couple of hours away from her to feel like I could breathe again. It made a world of difference.

PickAChew · 15/04/2017 10:06

Maybe chopper's DM needs to take a bit more seriously the meme about treating your children well because they'll be choosing her care home.

Why the hell should op cave into tantrums just so her DM doesn't become a lonely old lady? Ffs.

Dawndonnaagain · 15/04/2017 10:05

..but what are you gunna do when your DM needs care and can no longer live independently?
You wouldn't look after a stranger, you don't have to look after a relative, particularly not an abusive one. Nobody is responsible for their parent unless they choose to be.

DesertSky · 15/04/2017 09:57

She sounds like she may have bi-polar?

gamerchick · 15/04/2017 09:55

h..but what are you gunna do when your DM needs care and can no longer live independently?

Show her the true meaning of 'you reap what you sow?'.

MrsChopper · 15/04/2017 06:54

Don't get me wrong Zafod, I wish her well. But not at the expense of my DC's, DP's or my own happiness anymore. And it's very sad to realise your mother really is all about herself. I mean she can be really nice but there's always a twist. For example she has said for years "If I win the lottery I'll buy you a lovely house". Fair enough. Now that's changed to "If I win the lottery I'll buy you a nice house. I'll find one with a nice granny annex".

She said herself, she is sorry for shouting but not actually the things she said or her opinion. She was basically telling me she is superior to DP and me when it comes to DC. And I'm not having that!

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Zafodbeeblbrox10 · 15/04/2017 03:48

Fair enough..but what are you gunna do when your DM needs care and can no longer live independently? It's the future. Having worked in elderly care homes I am well aware that most residents get little or no family support. Maybe some of them deserve this? All I am saying is, is there something you can do now to prevent this? Rather than later regrets.

Gallavich · 15/04/2017 03:18

Jesus there is always one
I'm sorry you lost your mum, genuinely, but don't project your own feelings about your mum onto strangers who have very different mothers and very different experiences.

kali110 · 15/04/2017 02:50

I'd have no contact with her!
Please tell me she does not have any pets now?? i'd have been nc as soon as she kicked that dog! I'd have taken the poor thing too.
I certainly wouldn't want kids thinking that is acceptable!
She sounds vile.

MrsChopper · 14/04/2017 23:52

I chose to leave the shop to avoid another public argument. Her latest tantrum tookplace in a public environmen, it was very embarrassing. And believe me, I have spent years giving in to her because she is my mother and I felt sorry for her. But I've reached a point where I canno longer do this. Ideally I would like her to realise that her behaviour is unacceptable. In reality I can't see this happening any time soon and I have found everyone's advice very helpful. Like I previously posted, sometimes its hard to realise what's reasonable when someone has manipulated you for such a long time!

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gamerchick · 14/04/2017 23:43

sometimes what ifs are more palatable and easier to deal with than the reality. You can't choose your family and no one should feel grateful for a toxic mother just because they happened to give birth to them.

user1490744254 · 14/04/2017 23:38

I literally cannot believe what you guys are telling the op. Yep, she doesn't come across as the world's best mother thats for sure.

Nobody is perfect, but she is your mother, running out of a shopping store when you see her?

My mother died from bowel cancer when she was 49, we did not get on at all, (i was 23).

I will never know if things would have changed for the better or not.

Am begging you op, please don't dismiss your Mum, you might regret it one day x

gamerchick · 14/04/2017 23:32

It's so freeing I would recommend it to anybody. Treat them like toddlers and don't give the attention.

MrsChopper · 14/04/2017 23:28

It's time man

It well and truly is! I think since having DC I am developing a zero bullshit tolerance.

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MrsChopper · 14/04/2017 23:25

Thanks punkpuffin funnily enough since I've avoided her all week I've had a lovely, relaxed time. Apart from when I had to run out of Asda!

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gamerchick · 14/04/2017 23:23

The first time you stand your ground is always the hardest. Keep doing it, it doesn't get easier but any guilt you feel won't last as long as the last until you feel barely any. It's time man.

punkpuffin · 14/04/2017 23:19

Sounds like my mil. She throws tantrums to get what she wants and guilt trips dh (she's learnt it doesn't work with me). We've been slowly cutting contact and dh has told her how he feels about her behaviour but she cant/won't change. We are all more relaxed now we have less contact. Good luck op.

MrsChopper · 14/04/2017 23:12

Wow. She really is a fucking narc! That website is very eye opening.

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MrsChopper · 14/04/2017 22:24

Thank you, Angel

I thought keeping a distance she might have a think about it. Turns out she is not sorry at all. She is still maintaining the same argument but instead of the angry outburst she is now trying to make me feel bad/guilty. So I will continue to keep my distance. Must be a shock to her system, it's the 1st time I've not given in. I will check the website!

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AngelThursday · 14/04/2017 21:53

She sounds like a classic narcissist. My mother was a bit like this too. And like you, I was an only child. You can never please her or change her behaviour.
I found understanding her behaviour helped a bit. This website might help www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

MrsChopper · 14/04/2017 18:40

Just a little update:

After avoiding contact with my mother as much as possible (incl running out of the shop when I spotted her not my finest moment ) she seems to have finally twigged that I am not happy after her latest tantrum. Took her a while! She has now started the guilt trip manoeuvre. Basically said she is sorry for going off it but oh soooo sad about how she is being treated with regards to DC. So really she is still trying to get her own way!

I am still grateful for your replies, they have given me the strength to stand my ground. And I've told her I am sick of her tantrums and that we won't back down about the 'rules'. Have now turned phone off and am enjoying snuggles with DC instead of being roped into another argument. Feel quite sad that she can't seem to respect us and our decisions as parents.

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redshoeblueshoe · 08/04/2017 18:51

Good luck MrsC. It won't be easy, but its not fair on you, your DP and DC

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