to bin off play dates?

[pianomadness]

Since Xmas I've manage 2. Both ended in fractious kids crying or squabbling and just seemed like a faff.

Ds is 6 and only child. School full time obvs but also does breakfast club 5 mornings a week, after school club 3/4 times a week till 5, spends time with grandparents/cousins, does sports clubs between 2-4 times a week and we are 'out' a lot at the park / pool / beach etc.

I work near full time as does dh and both of us are in talking busy jobs where we come home talked out and the last thing I can be bothered with is sorting out this minefield.

Ds doesn't specifically ask to meet up with friends, he's busy doing plenty of stuff with other kids (not necessarily those in his friendship/class group though) and isn't that into close friendships, likes to do his own thing etc.

I feel I'm not BU to not organise them, let him sort his own social life as he gets older and cares but the curse of seeing Facebook's glittering social lives make me feel guilty that I should try harder.....

[ChocAuVin]

What minionsrule said. YANBU

[TrollMummy]

I think that those who work, have more one DC and who have DCs that do activities outside school find it most difficult to keep up with the play date merry go round. There simply aren't enough hours in the day.

[purplecollar]

I think keep your hand in. I do them but only with friends they have a particular thing with - i.e. they've been friends for a while, have something in common, like playing the same things. Then even if you just invite one of these a term, that's fine. You don't have to do it weekly. But it's useful to learn how to host and it's useful to show those friends you do want to connect a bit, even if you're a bit busy.

It sort of works for me because we kind of share favours with those people. I pick up theirs if they're running late, they might run mine to football if dh is away with the car. These things sort of happen as they get older. It's much nicer for them to go to the school disco with a mate. So it's good to build up a little network if you can.

[pianomadness]

It's really interesting reading people's views though. People seem to fall in 2 camps of doing them and finding it fairly easy to arrange and do or disliking them, finding it a massive inconvenience and not being plain sailing.

[pianomadness]

My AIBU was really as I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse (as I said I managed to organise 2 play dates since Xmas due to all the other commitments with me and the other parents, it was such a faff to organise as people's lives are understandably so complicated) and then they were a bit of a disaster and ds isn't bothered anyway BUT when I see Facebook and all the play date posts, I feel guilty, like it's something I should do.

[Policom123]

I stop this no sense couple years ago, when after hosting plenty of play dates at my expense , I realised that some parents was using my house as community center! I am with the OP , kids do a lot and I am now working full time, so we spend time as a family. Play dates parents always show up and is always one or 2 that sit there and expect to be serve and judge! I rather send the kids to socialise at after school clubs than put up with this again! I have to literally kick some parents out of my house as they would stay for dinner and start show up 4 times a week for a chat! ( when I was a SAHM) to start saying that I was negligent to my kids when I start working full time!

[ElsieMc]

I am a gp carer and do occasional playdates. My gs is busy playing with his brothers, busy with his school friends and after school clubs. He also likes time by himself playing on his gadgets. He even asks us at weekends what we are doing together which is nice.

We moved school around 18 months ago and it has boosted his self esteem. His last school was an absolute nightmare. Cliquey parents micro-managing friendship groups and nice kids forced to play with those who they would never naturally form friendships with. I used to wonder who the child was sometimes. Once they move to secondary school the kids make up their own minds about friendships

If it doesn't feel right op, then don't do it. Your ds sounds happy and well rounded so keep on doing what you do.

[BackforGood]

Greenshadow If you are at work, and then go to pick up your dc from after school provision - you would then have to go and fetch friend from their house, (if you have room in car, and right car seats) take them to yours, start getting something to eat ready, whilst doing all the usual stuff like checking their bags, dealing with letters, checking your own post, phone messages, etc. Generally, by this time of night, a lot of dc can be getting quite grumpy. I would then normally have to go out to take one sibling or another to cubs or swimming or something, and, not being able to leave young dc (especially someone else's) home alone, it would be back in the car. By the time I'm back in, it would be time to go home. Not a particularly pleasant experience for anyone.
It isn't 'sad' at all to have 9 1/2 hrs seeing friends all day at school + wrap around care, then playing / being with other friends at things like swimming lessons / cubs / football training / whatever they go to in the evening.

[remoaniac]

I grew up in the UK in the 70s/80s and we often went to friends' houses after school to play/for tea

Exactly. Not play dates. I'd come out of school and say "can X come home for tea" and my mum would say yes/no if she said yes, we'd ask X's mum. None of this overscheduling nonsense that goes on these days (and saying no in case a better offer comes along).

Where I live, I found that there was a huge amount of parental control over who played with who. I guess that ceases the older the children get, particularly at secondary school, although I still get the impression that the parents round here micro-manage their children's friendships.

[GreenShadow]

I find this all so sad.

All 3 of our DC loved having friends round and also going back to the friends. We never thought twice about inviting people round, whether with or without parents in tow.
I find it hard to see why this is supposed so much extra work than not having a friend round - if they are friends, do they not by definition, play nicely together?

I love getting to know their friends better - surely most parents would..?

[NoLotteryWinYet]

in which case funny, i'd stop - if it wasn't making my life easier and/or my DD wasn't enjoying it I agree, don't bother!

[Funnyfarmer]

@NoLotteryWinYet
I find them a lot of hard work because dd doesn't actually want them there. She wants to do her own think so the play date dcs then look to me for entertainment. Then my dd gets cross because I'm playing with the other kids and not her. And most of the time they just mither and I can't get anything done.
Is that the same with you op?

[Funnyfarmer]

My dd 6. Had her 1st proper friend round last week. By 1st proper friend, I mean not a child she plays with simply because me or dp are friends with there parents. If was so different to other play dates. No arguing no telling on each other they actually properly enjoyed each other's company.
I don't particular like her dm and I'm certain she doesn't like me either and I find the child a bit Ill mannered so not a friend i would have picked for her. But dd has a mind of her own and is perfectly capable of picking her own friends, and there welcome to my house anytime. But these forced play dates parents arrange. Hated them. Can't help thinking I had to have these children round in order to be excepted into the "yummy mummy " club and I don't even think dd enjoyed them much either.

[Cleanermaidcook]

I'm With you OP, luckily for me dd (8) and ds(7) are close in age and get on well together this is my excuse for not organising playdates have lots of clubs and activities and are lucky to live in a quiet cul-de-sac where they can play out with other kids their age. Do i want them all in my house when i'm off work (i work in a preschool) hell no! no playdates here!

[NoLotteryWinYet]

struggling to figure out why you think it's more work? My DD is much happier when she's got a friend to play with and gives me a break from being the baby horse/baby polar bear/princess etc etc.

[Dancergirl]

Playdates are a pretty new thing here, it's more what American people do

Rubbish, I grew up in the UK in the 70s/80s and we often went to friends' houses after school to play/for tea. They weren't necessarily called playdates then.

OP, you sound a little defensive. If you and your ds are happy I'm not sure why you posted...?

I would say to encourage a few play dates though, when you can. Even if your ds isn't outwardly keen, I think it's important especially as an only child. He might enjoy playing lego with a friend there occasionally.

[Naturebabe]

There's no law you have to do them. Ease off a bit if you're knackered. The hardest bit is getting your house ready IMHO, so you don't feel like a filthy slob when other parents and kids come over. I find the actual play dates quite fun (except for odd times when shit kicks off). It is lovely for them to grow friendships at home though... It's part of learning I guess.

[TheKitchenWitch]

So if your ds is fine and happy, and you think he's not missing out, why are you posting and then getting snippy when some people do disagree with you?

[Mumzypopz]

My DDS friend used to have lots of play dates, almost every night, I used to wonder when she fitted in homework. She also then never had any time for activities, such as swimming or dance or judo or anything else. My DD did lots of activities but no play dates and she has a much wider group of friends now than the child who had friends from school home every night.

[Mumzypopz]

Sounds like he does loads, I never really bothered with them, and my kids have ended up fine. Chaste....I think you have been really rude.. why would you pity her child, sounds like he does loads.

[Sunnyshores]

I think its important for my children to see their school friends out of school and know them on another level, not weekly but in the school holidays at least, and its important to me that I know their friends and at least casually know their mothers. Doesnt mean I enjoy them at all

[holidaysaregreat]

YANBU
Sounds like he has lots going on for his age. He probably likes to chill a bit.

[gamerchick]

They're not essential. I'd rather grate my face off.

Parents seem to treat this kind of shit like a check list of things you 'must' do for your kids. You really don't have to do a lot of them and this is one of them.