To feel really sad after reading a message on my son's phone?

[Fedupfeelingthisway]

Apologies in advance this could get long, but I'd really appreciate some advice!

My son is in his final year of junior school and will be starting secondary school after the summer. We have managed to get him into a private school as we felt that it was the right thing to do for him.

He's never particularly fitted in at his local (small) school. He gets on with the other kids fine and he's never been bullied as such, but he's always been a bit of a square peg and very different to the other kids. He's not into sport and all the other boys play football at break times, and he really isn't interested in hanging around with the girls either. He tends to just spend his time with the adult playground assistants and is happy in their company as he is with them. (I've always asked him if he's ok and he insists he's not lonely!)

He's 11 and the school have always said that they feel he's socially advanced for his age which is another reason why he doesn't relate so well to the other kids. He's never been invited to play with the other kids or join in with activities and socialise with them, but equally he's always said he doesn't want to, he's fine just to observe. (Again much of the kids social activities revolve around football!)

Anyway. I've always felt he's a bit anxious and at this stage in life it's totally understandable than anxieties are pretty high, especially since he'll be starting a new school away from the kids he's grown up with after the summer. He's seems happy and excited about it too so it's not an over consuming negative anxiety or anything, if that makes sense.

He's also a very sensitive boy. Now, I know it's not nice to go taking through your kids phones but I've allowed him one the last few years with the understanding that I monitor it while he's still at junior school.

Last night I was checking his messages and they're the usual 11 year old nonsense. However there was one message that really made me feel bad for him and actually pretty pissed off, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

There was a girl at his school who started st the secondary he's going to last year. Seemed like a nice girl and he'll be seeing her every day on the bus. He'd been in contact with her since he found out he was going to be attending and it all seemed fine. Yesterday I see a message from him saying "'Melissa' says that everyone at New School hates me, is this true?"

To which she replied "Yeah they don't like you so far, even 'Jamie' and he likes everyone."

My heart just sank a little.

He's been given a fresh start and new opportunity and there's now this little tiny seed of self doubt that has been planted by this girl and I'm worried that it might really get to him.

I mentioned it to him this morning and told him that no one can say they don't like you if they've never met you! He's obviously mentioned it to one of his teachers as he said this is what they said too. (He saw this girl and her friends when he went for the entrance exam)

I know we never should project our own anxieties and history of negativity onto our kids, but I was horrendously bullied at school. It was absolutely awful to the point I self harmed and just spent 6 miserable years having to mix with kids who made me feel worthless and ruined my secondary education (obviously it's all ok now...but it has stayed with me in the form of being terrified of it happening to my own kids!) . I know kids will be kids but I'm slightly concerned now that if there's a kid who has got it in for him when he starts, that it could really affect how things go. (I always thought they were friends and had never known of any hostilities between them)

AIBU to feel really worried?

[waterrat]

OP he is being bullied and you are completely doing the right thing to step in and protect him/ stop it going further. Tap into your inner mama bear and go into the school and say you are worried about him.

I agree if she is the year above it's unlikely it will have a day to day impact.

[GrumpyOldBag]

Speak to the new school.

I'm sure they'll help resolve it and help you feel better.

[bumblingbovine49]

I was going to say that if they do a summer school make sure he goes to this . Not all the new starters do but we made sure we kept the three days free and didn't book a holiday then and made sure DS went.

It made a difference. He had not had many friends at primary but when he started at secondary, a couple of children from his primary school commented that Ds seemed to know a lot of people at the school.

This is because he met a couple of children at the summer school and was able to introduce them to some of the children from his primary school who were feeling a bit lost in those first couple of days .

[waterrat]

this is why it's so shit that kids have phones at such a young age.

[Fedupfeelingthisway]

I'm actually pretty hopeful that this new school will ignite a bit of a sporty under dog in him there's that much in offer! They have societies and clubs for absolutely every hobby interest and sport going so with that respect it's really exciting.

I've always tried to instal into him that being different is ok. Its alright not to be like the other kids and do what they do and it's incredibly cool to be your own person, just be nice to others and respect their interests and individualities. I think he takes most of this in his spirit but given that he's still an impressionable and sensitive 11 year old it sometimes frustrates him.

He's definitely ready for secondary school. He normally thrives in the company of older people and takes responsibility so very well to the point where I can rely and trust him with many things that other kids his age havent been given the opportunity to yet try.

I think I will take your advise and email the school. That way they will manage to pass it onto the relevant person. (I need to arrange another visit ahead of their trial week too anyway)

[Mrsmadevans]

TBH with you I feel as though this is my dd1 all over again. I tried my est with her , we all did, tried to get her to mix , invited other kids overbribed them really but she wasn't like them at all. She is ultra sensitive , hears ppl eating and can't bear it can't bear any hint of onions I could go on. Anyway she is 23 now and she says that we should have home schooled her , she said she never fitted in and although she wasn't bullied she felt out of it all the time , she wished she was home . I wish I had home schooled her now too, she is still a little strange , I have tried my best but you can't make the kids be nice to them or our kids be different . I suppose I am saying give home schooling a go and the very best of luck my dear, it's heart rending seeing them all alone . My dd2 is completely different very popular funny and gregarious , I haven't bought them up any differently , there is only 16 months between them same house ,dad, schools , teachers etc just totally different .

[ScarlettFreestone]

High school is a whole different ballgame.

It's much bigger, so the chances are much greater of being able to find "your people" are better too.

Social life won't all revolve round football either.

[August1984]

I wouldn't worry, like PP have said she's in the year above, i can't recall anyone from secondary school who wasn't in my year. I would advise he stops contacting either girl/that group as they don't sound very nice and he doesn't need them sapping his confidence. I moved secondary schools three times, there's always somebody on your wavelength. I'm not sure i'd contact the school, if they have a word with the girl it may point him out as a victim.

[Fedupfeelingthisway]

I really don't think I'd manage home schooling. I work from home and I just can't imagine I'd be any good at it or even have time! I have huge respect for people who manage it though.

[Bestthingever]

Your poor ds. I'd show these messages to his present school and I'm sure they'll be appalled. Ask for their advice about how to deal with this. If you could find who will be his head of year or tutor, it would be great if you could show this to him or her.
I have to say I knew a couple of kids who were a bit isolated socially at primary school and blossomed at secondary because there was basically a larger pool of kids to find friends from. It doesn't necessarily happen but it's worth pointing out to your ds.

[Bettyspants]

Oh my god this is heartbreaking. I also have a square peg son who certainly isn't socially advanced he's just 'different ' and quirky. In a different position in that he seems to be popular but distanced himself and prefers his own company. I can imagine something similar happening to him. It's very difficult to address something like this without that concern of potentially making things worse, but I really would go to the school and see what they are aware of. Just a guess I wonder if the girl was in company when she replied?

[ExConstance]

Just to say that I hope he will be OK. My DS 1 didn't have many friends at 3 - 11 school, they were sporty, he was Geeky. Things were better at secondary where he met a few other boys like him and did some activities that suited him. He didn't really blossom socially until he got to university where he suddenly found a social circle that suited him. His friends mostly do incomprehensible science related jobs but they are friends! The pastoral care in private schools tends to be better because they are better staffed, so hopefully his situation will improve.

[Curioushorse]

Contact the new school. I work at a private school and at least a third of our kids are sent there because they'd be bullied elsewhere. We put a lot of effort into creating a nice atmosphere, even on those flippin' buses. They'll want to know. And that's what you're paying for!

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

I was really bullied through school, I was a bit like your son, very academic, didn't fit in, didn't really want to though, due to the bullying as I never felt good enough. So I would spend my break times reading in the library.

Obviously this leads, like yourself to worry about my children, their experiences at school etc. I've got a situation with an end of term disco my son doesn't want to go to. That's another post though. Even though I was bullied and felt like an outsider, I always enjoyed the discos.

I personally feel that giving phones to primary school children, opens up the potential for bullying. Even at secondary school. So both have old phones of ours, but they can't text, although they play games where you join clans and can message. One little grotbag has excluded DC from their clan, where everyone else can join.

I feel it's a lesson really, that children shouldn't have phones where they can text one another, as some truly horrid children exist. It can make bullying a 24/7 experience.

My advice would be, sit DS down and say you're very grown up, you're also very clever and have different interests to others. Whilst this girl says people in her year group are being unkind, you'll meet lots of new people in September, hopefully you'll meet children who have the same interests as you.

I'm guessing there's access to a library and groups. Emphasise that there's lots of opportunities for him, he'll meet lots of new people. There'll be opportunities to do things you enjoy and meet like minded people. Plus there's the library and computers, where again there'll be people with the same interests as him.

I think that's important, to focus on the positives, maybe see what lunch activities there is, emphasise there's lots of opportunities for him to engage with things he enjoys. No one can say for certain that no one will like you because they haven't met you yet. Being told about a person is different to meeting them face to face.

I hope this helps.

Maybe consider getting rid of the contact for the girl who made those remarks.

What I do, as I'm a bit of a Crunchy Mum, is I like to tell my children everything they're doing well in, positive characteristics they have. How these will help them when they're grown up. Whilst working on any apparent negative ones, which rarely happens, but I work to instil positive values, explaining why.

An example, before a DC went to a club after school, DH was saying do this, don't do that, when he'd finished I said you were such a lovely person, I understand being with 'x' means that you mimic their behaviours sometimes, I would really like it if you could be that really nice person, before you were influenced by 'x' sweetie. (I'll do another post about that!)

So with me it's always about positivity, even with negatives, the focus is always on the positive.

[slipperyed]

Can you talk to the school, organise a facbeook group for new starters to get together over the summer holidays so he's made some buddies before he starts without the influence of the Year 8s when he starts?

[2014newme]

You do need to be more proactive, do you invite other kids over?

[Billsikesbullterrier]

I'm so sorry that has happened to your lovely son . Bullying like this is horrific. ... the tiniest knock to the confidence of a child can have long-term consequences, and because you are aware of it and showing such concern then you will no doubt help him to navigate it. I wish I had some good advice other to say that your DS sounds like an absolute star. Those sensitive lovely kids that get knocked in lower school usually come into their own at college/uni/adulthood, as the others grow up and start to recognise what qualities really make a person awesome.

[shovetheholly]

Oh the poor little lad! I feel so bad for him. How awful, and how thoughtless of the girl - she's old enough to know way better.

I don't know if you already do this, but I've seen martial arts lessons massively help children who are bullied to stand up for themselves. It's absolutely NOT about being physically dominant - quite the reverse - it's about cooly and calmly being able to stand your corner.

[museumum]

I really don't understand who Melissa Jamie and the girl he's texting with are?
Are they all at the senior school already? Or will they be in his year?
How has he got the number of the girl he's texting? She was very blunt in her response but it doesn't sound like she set out to bully him.
I think if you and he can approach the new school as a positive opportunity to meet his gr

[PetallyTyrants]

OP - would you answer my question above.

[Falafelings]

There will be lots of boys just like him at a bigger school

[Fifinella]

It sounds to me as if the bus girl who texted is someone your son trusted to ask what people think of him though? He asked her a question and she answered, albeit a bit bluntly.

Melissa sounds cruel and mean but just going off your OP the bus girl sounds like someone who knows the school and the people involved, but who your son trusts and who cares enough about him to give him an honest answer, which didn't seem like bullying to me.

But I might have read that wrong!

[Fedupfeelingthisway]

Sorry Petally, just away on the school run. Yeah both girls too him this. Girl who texted him who is at the school he's going to and 'Melissa' who is her friend in the year below him at his current school. No idea who was with who when it happened.

[Fedupfeelingthisway]

I don't think she's bullying him just now...I'm just worried that it could develop into something because I know all too well from bitter experience it sometimes just takes one single person to light that blue touch paper.