To suggest maybe he could just see a doctor and see if there's a simple solution to the problem that's going to break us up?

[PaperdollCartoon]

I'm pretty sure I'm not but his reaction suggests I might be.

My partner and I are both late twenties and have been together 5 years. For most of those years we have struggled with his low sex drive. We were averaging 5-6 times a year, though it's slightly gone up recently. It seems been horrible and heartbreaking, I've felt constantly rejected and sad that just about anything seems more important to him than having sex with me. We are very loving and affectionate with each other, lots of cuddling and kissing, but it rarely turns into sex and usually needs to be planned in some way when it does. I've come to realise it's not me that's the problem but it doesn't always feel that way. I love him and want to spend my life with him, but have seriously considered leaving over this. He has repeatedly refused to consider therapy, seeing a doctor to see if it's something physical etc. He's definitely not gay. We have talked and talked (and then not talked about it for a long time because 'it's too much pressure') and he always says he'll try harder but never does. He just doesn't want it very often and I don't want to force him into it.

I've been doing some googling and have come across some studies that show that diabetic men can have lower testosterone levels. He's been Type 1 diabetic since childhood. I've asked/begged that could he go to the doctor and just ask if they'll test his testosterone levels. It might not be that at all, but what if it is and it's easily fixable? Apparently I've ruined his day and put him in a bad mood. He doesn't want to go to the doctor, I'm totally unreasonable for even suggesting it. I know this might not be the answer but couldn't he just try and find out?

AIBU for suggesting he go to the doctor and possibly find a solution to the only problem in our relationship before I can't take it any more and leave? I really really don't want to break up, I just want things to be better.

[PaperdollCartoon]

SpareChange might be an option, though he only sees the diabetic clinic once every 3 months these days, it's only held once a month on a specific day, and it's a pretty quick run through of his blood results/home blood test readings etc. I'm pretty sure they'd send him to the GP to sort out any specific blood tests. Luckily we have a great GP surgery where it's pretty easy to get appointments quickly, so I think being able to make the decision to speak to a doctor and just go for it rather than waiting might be best, 'ripping off the plaster' as it were?

AmusedBush it couldn't hurt as an option to explore, though sounds a bit more like anxiety. Have you spoken about therapy either for both of you or just for him? (Though I suggest it, my DP wouldn't entertain it. When I looked into it we couldn't afford it anyway)

[PaperdollCartoon]

PigFace its horrible isn't it, and so hard to talk about. The idea that all men want sex all the time still really perpetutes.

[PaperdollCartoon]

Sorry hit send too soon. He shouldn't say your anxiety makes it hard for him though? Why does he think it causes a problem.

[amusedbush]

PaperdollCartoon

I've suggested everything I can think of and he won't entertain it. In fact, if I were to leave him it wouldn't be because of the lack of sex, it would be because of the sheer selfishness around this issue

[scaryteacher]

Ladypw paperdoll One treatment is a cream to be rubbed into the shoulders or lower abdomen in the morning. Dh has just been prescribed some.

[PaperdollCartoon]

ScaryTeacher that's really helpful to know, thank you.

Amused yeh I completely understand. I think one reason I've stayed is I genuinely believe he does want things to be better but doesn't know what to do. If he does refuse completely to go to the doctor now I wonder if it might be the final straw. But ultimately this might not be the issue, I can't be mad at him for not having a high sex drive, I don't think he's doing it (or in this case not doing it) on purpose

[Lingotria]

I think you have explained yourself enough. Give him a deadline and if he doesn't at least go to the doctor and try a treatment then leave and stick to your guns. You deserve better than to stay in an unfulfilling relationship. You're only in your twenties too. If you were my son or daughter I'd be telling you to cut your losses and go find someone who makes you happy and fulfills you in every way.

[PaperdollCartoon]

Lingotria thank you. I will have to consider really hard. My DM utterly adores him, my whole family do. She knows about our issues and thinks there's more to a relationship than lots of sex, I am inclined to agree. My DDad is utterly useless though so a partner as helpful and on the ball as mine, even without a sex life, would definitely seem the most sensible option.

[Patchouli666]

Testosterone levels in men are increased by using gel that you rub into shoulders One available is called testim. It won't mean any more injections. its a really quick fix if that's the problem.

[ThomasandFriends]

Could you maybe make an appointment with the doctor yourself, mention this to him and ask if there's any way it could be brought up next time your DP's there? I'm imagining the doctor could ask something like "And is your diabetes causing you any other problems? Some men find it harder to have erections, for example."

I know, on the one hand, this is you protecting him in a way and not owning the issue, but, as people have said earlier, there is such a stigma for men around ED that he might need a kick up the bum. I've mentioned something to my DP's doctor that I knew he wouldn't mention but was important she knew. He'll never know I spoke to her, but it seemed to come up naturally in their conversation and meant he could tackle the problem.

[PaperdollCartoon]

Thomas there are several GPs at our surgery and you generally just see whoever is available, I've never seen the same one twice. But I do know the one he's seen the one time he's been there (we moved to the area in the last couple of years and he goes to separate clinic for diabetes stuff not the GP) was by chance a diabetes specialist, so might be worth him trying to see her if he doesn't mind seeing a woman.

[PaperdollCartoon]

He doesn't have any problems getting or keeping an erection, he just doesn't have the drive to use it very often.

[Ohyesiam]

I suppose we all long to be loved exactly as we are, and bring told we need fixing does not feel good.
So while I get his POV , yanbu at all in my opinion.

[Italiangreyhound]

YADNBU, any of you women who are staying with men who are not meeting your sexual desires to this extent, you are totally reasonable for not wanting to stay in such a relationship.

IF your partners and husbands had all the exploration possible and it was just a fact that their sex drive was low, then you could decide based on this.

But if they are not even willing to discuss this with a doctor etc, then they are very unreasonable.

Do you ladies have children, want to have children?

Please do not stay married to men who are not sexually interested in you, and not willing to find out how to change that, unless you are happy with the situation, and don't have a very strong desire to have children/a child.

My sex drive (at 50 something) has gone pretty much south for the moment, but we still manage once a week. And I do enjoy it. And if my dh wanted more ... well, I know he does so I should maybe step up a bit more, I do love him and I quite like sex.

I guess what I am saying is you need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life, if not, tell your husband/partner, that this has to change or you will not stay.

No one has to have sex with you, but then you do not need to stay married/partnered with anyone unless you wish to.

[PaperdollCartoon]

ItalianGreyHound I know, though always helpful to hear that. He definitely is attracted to me and does enjoy it (I've been over both of those options enough to be sure) he just doesn't get the drive enough to prioritise it. I hope there's a way to solve it. We'll see.

[Lingotria]

Sorry just wanted to add- If he's able to get and maintain an erection easily then have you considered a stress/psychological reason to the problem rather than a diabetes related one? Diabetes usually impacts libido by reducing blood flow & is normally accompanied by failure to get or maintain an erection.

[PaperdollCartoon]

Lingotria from what I've been reading it can be ED or low libido or both.

[PaperdollCartoon]

The issue is it causing low testosterone leading to reduced desire rather than being a blood flow issue

[MiniCooperLover]

OP, I read recently that Robbie Williams has testosterone injections due to his low levels of testosterone. I also have a male friend with Diabetes who also gets the shots and they have helped his marriage. Due to your DPs diabetes I'd hope a GP would not ignore his worries. Good luck.

[PaperdollCartoon]

He has booked a doctor's appointment. Not without a bit of crying from me and him having a paddy. But he did look at the stuff I'd found and agreed it sounded like him. Hopefully the doctor will agree, he's not seeing them until the 10th. Fingers crossed there's a solution.

[Guavaf1sh]

This is one of those threads that make me think the reaction would be totally different if the sexes were reversed...

[Willyoujustbequiet]

I wouldn't get too hung up om diabetes being the cause if he has no issues regarding getting an erection.

My albeit anecdotal experience of 2 type 1 diabetics is an extremely high sex drive.