AIBU to be really annoyed at this family?

[staveleymum]

Every day (and I mean every) one family are late for school. They have 3 children and obviously mum doesn't drive as Dad brings them in the car and drops them off (on double yellows or a no parking area but that's a different rant)! I usually see them as I'm walking back to my car after I've waved my 2 in so I know they are late. It's only 5 - 10 mins but it must be disruptive to the class (their DD is my DD's class).

I know there is a special Mothers Day assembly this morning that Reception class do and one of their children is in this class. They cant even get to school on time for that event (and they didnt seem to be in much of a rush when I saw them either)!

I know they only live a mile away so they dont get caught up in traffic. Is it too much to ask to get them to school on time?

I dont suppose there is a lot the Head can do about it either? It just really winds me up every time I see them!

[car5ys]

Awaywith, I just thought it funny that she always wrote "traffic" as the reason though when she didn't even have to cross a road

[my2bundles]

I always took my eldest not school 10 minutes after the other children. The reason being she has an invisible disability which not a small handful of other parents knew about. The 10 minute time difference as arranged for my child's and staffs benefit. Quite rightly none of the other parents where privy to this information. It's so easy to judge a situation but in all fairness you have no idea why this family is late every day. Please don't come up with they have no special needs argument because it's usually not public knowledge.

[PortiaCastis]

It's amazing how kids need the loo at the last minute and say I need a wee when in fact its a poo and takes them half an hour or so. Men always need the loo when dinner is served or so it seems

[StealthPolarBear]

Yes o love the bowel trick :o

[Frazzledmum123]

FeralBeryl - I LOVE your post, made me laugh out loud (not the part about you child of course). Ironically I've got better since I had my baby so I know it must be something I can control but at the moment I'm really struggling

[Frazzledmum123]

Yes in England and they do have snacks but it is a tiny amount and would in no way be a substitute for a meal, think 4 or 5 grapes! She doesn't make him late, we are on time but with a heck of a lot of nagging and running and we only just make it. Like I said before though, I don't blame them, she is little and doesn't understand the impact, it's my fault but I don't think it makes me a bad or lazy mum and my son is doing very well at school. I appreciate you have a different approach to meal times and hell your way may well be better but it's not a way I am comfortable with, letting her go hungry.

I still maintain that unless you have no vices, bad habits or traits you wish you didn't have, slinging around names at those who's weaknesses lay elsewhere is pretty crap

[Falafelings]

My kids are regularly late. I'm up early, have everything ready the night before. I'm ready to leave in plenty of time but one of my four isn't. He hates school and it's such a negative experience for him. He takes a while to get up as a result. My time is spent supporting him emotionally and having a nice morning to balance out the school crap.

[FeralBeryl]

Frazzled I'm similar to you in that I'm a 'last minute Annie'
If I have 20 minutes to be out the house I can do it no problem, if it's 40-gah. I'll think I can do loooooaads of other stuff first because I'm running so early. Then be late
DH is even worse and it stresses me out terribly watching him fucking saunter around (he actually is late for things though)
The one thing that has kicked me up the arse is DC1 is being assessed for SN at the moment and is becoming very anxious about random things.
Given how DH makes me feel with the last minuteness, I don't want to risk DC feeling the same and something in me has just clicked.
Also as someone always decides they need a poo as soon as the front door opens, I now fling it open 10 minutes before we actually leave in a bowel tricking frenzy!
We aren't rushing nearly as much now.

[Absintheshots]

Are you in England? It looks like all they do is eat at preschool in this country! If they haven't got breakfast, they at least have a mid-morning snack, really early lunch, early afternoon snack and possibly diner in some places.
If when one of mine refuses to eat breakfast, I can't make the others late, especially when they are older, so too bad. They won't starve, and at worst they can have a banana on the way. No treat allowed that day either. If you are not hungry, fine, but don't expect to make it up by snacking on rubbish when you come home. Carrot sticks and apples always available for the ones who are starving...

[AwaywiththePixies27]

Hairy I dont know if it is going to be rolled out everywhere. But I was told at the last school, that five persistent mates were going to result in you being slapped with an unauthorised absence and a possible fine. If they roll it out I'm sure that 9:15 mum will get a foot on quicker.

[Frazzledmum123]

Hairy - we've done this and she went hungry, all week. We had her preschool teacher pull us aside and ask if she was ok as she seemed tired and unable to concentrate. I don't think it's her being naughty although she is extremely stubborn but I think she just doesn't want to eat as soon as she is up - at weekends when I let her play for an hour before breakfast she is fine. So we tried getting her up an hour earlier and she was half asleep and even slower! Don't assume because it worked for you we haven't tried it ourselves. We even got the hv's advice but she couldn't suggest anything we hadn't tried. I'm just hoping it's something she grows out of and in the meantime I often end up feeding her which speeds her up but slows me down!! At least she is fed though!

[Absintheshots]

Frazzle

do you not have any faults at all, any bad habits? Of course not, I am absolutely perfect

I need to have a very strict routine to get all the kids out of the house on time. I wish it was easy and they would naturally organise themselves, but they don't. I never said it was easy, it just is irritating when people are casually late, because that's the way they are. How would you feel if the teachers were late, and the school wasn't opened when you dropped your kids? Would you find it acceptable to be stranded for 10 or 15 minutes until they turn up?
Why do you think other people have to make the effort but others don't?
How are you planning on getting your kids at at the coach on time when they have a day out/ week out?
More importantly, is it really worth you being stressed and tearful every single day? You must dread every morning, the kids will end up dreading going to school, it sounds miserable. It's just sound a shame to make our life so much harder than it needs to be.

[AwaywiththePixies27]

Most days put traffic as reason for lateness, she lived one street away from the school and walked as could not drive!!

I didn't live far away from the DCs last school at all. Didnt stop DS from kicking off that much daily we were constantly late. We were completely unsupported and the senco was of the opinion that I was just that single parent who couldn't cope with the naughty one. Despite the fact he was never naughty in school, according to their reports to his paeditrician anyway and the fact my DD was never late (older and sent her around on her own).

Guess what? His new school is a 30-40 minute walk away and he's never late. Because he wants to be there.

In a yr 3 class of 24, NINE children had negotiated permission for their DC to be late because they were anxious /had ADHD /sensory problems /got overwhelmed by the other children /school phobic /degrees of Asperger Syn. and various other things. The percentage of posters on this thread who have DC with similar problems is even higher. So should they organise a later 'late' group because their kids are freaked by the numbers in the late group?

Pontynan I don't know what the answer is. We tried everything with my DS. He was just unhappy every day and would try anything to avoid going. We tried all sorts. We had a new attendance officer who was lovely and tried to help us when no one else did. The officer would pick him up and take him to school at one point it was that bad. We also tried other ways. Like putting him into breakfast club in the hope it'd 'ease him into the day' better and he'd avoid the crowds and that that came with drop off time (one of his triggers). But in the end the only thing that worked was moving him school and having staff that were supportive and understood his 'complex needs' as his new senco put it.

Also the OP appears to have no idea why this particular family is regularly late.
I know of a family who's all three DCs have SNs. They are 'persistently late' to the outside eye. Only it's arranged through the school that they're dropped off 'late' at 9am and picked up early at 2:30pm. Because anything else results in absolute chaos for the classes they're in.

[Frazzledmum123]

I luckily never have to use public transport apart from a plane and you have a wide window of when you have to be there for that. TBH I'm often late for work too but they are great and introduced a flexible start (not just for me I might add) where you have a half hour window but have to make it up at the end. They also recognise that I'm a bloody hard worker and I eat lunch at my desk, don't drink coffee or smoke so although I can be 5 mins late, apart from using the loo I'm glued to my desk all day. My kids are a bit young to enjoy the cinema and if I don't have them to get ready I can be on time!

[HairySunshine]

I fully admit to judging a particular family at dc's school. I pass them every single day at around 9.05, already 15 minutes late and they just mosey along seemingly without a care in the world, sometimes playing hide and seek, sometimes climbing trees but never looking stressed or harassed. They get to school at 9.15 at the earliest every single day.

The mum has been fairly open about the head speaking to her and has asked advice from various people, including me, who manage to get multiple dc to school on time. When she was told I get up at 6am and get everything sorted, dc get up at 7am for their breakfast, have a wash and brush their teeth at 7.30, get dressed at 7.45, do hair and shoes at 8am, ready to leave at 8.30am she was horrified - she can't possibly go to bed before midnight and get up before 7.30am herself let alone expect the kids to. They don't have a chaotic lifestyle, there is no alcohol or drug issues, the children don't have any SN, the mum has no health problems, there is no DV as she's single, she literally just does not see it as important enough to make the effort for.

Frazzled, set alarms or timers. I had to use a timer with my dd2 who was messing about at breakfast. I gave her 15 minutes to eat a small bowl of cereal and if she didn't, she went hungry. We only needed it for a week before she realised it wasnt much fun. If they mess around getting dressed then they go to school as they are - ds2 only needed to be taken outside in socks the once to understand that I was serious. Sometimes you have to be prepared to see them go without. Being on time is important in every area of your life. It is easy to stop if there are no mitigating circumstances such as SN or DV or health issues, you just have to be prepared to be a bit harsh and mean sometimes.

[motherinferior]

But Frazzled, what about work? Trains? The cinema?

[Frazzledmum123]

SecretsInSpitalfield - thank you, I really appreciate that

Absin - but do you not have any faults at all, any bad habits? Do you never lose your temper when you shouldn't or eat more than you should or smoke? It's easy to say, just don't - just count to 10 before you lose it, just eat less, just go for that run, just quit smoking- in reality it isn't that simple. Yes I could set my clock earlier, but as I said before it doesn't help, it should but it doesn't. I could set it an hour early and get my kids up then but they are more tired and slower. 10 minutes gets lost and I honestly don't know where! My daughter can be horrendous at meal times, I've tried telling her off, being overly nice and literally feeding her myself like a baby but nothing works and my only option would be to send her to preschool hungry which I'm not prepared to do. Ironically today we were early because they were quick for some unknown reason! Ultimately I'm not blaming the kids though as it is my failing and I know that but using the one area a parent is bad at to call them a bad parent or lazy is completely unfair, my every waking moment is dedicated to the kids. Do you think people who are late enjoy it? If it was easy to stop of course we would, just the same way the areas you aren't perfect in I'm sure you would correct if you could.
I know several other people who are late - one admitted to me the other day she was in an abusive relationship and suffering depression, another has ME and seriously struggles just to get up in the morning and a third has a child who wakes constantly throughout the night and so she spends her days literally struggling to stay awake- those are just the people I know who have chosen to confide in me and they would all present as 'normal' people. You literally have no idea what makes a person late and this attitude of them being lazy or disrespectful really pisses me off. You say it isn't about being perfect but perhaps this is the one area of their lives where they aren't perfect and the parts you don't do so well in they are brilliant at and can't understand your issues. Why do you get to decide which areas you have to be good at and which you don't?

Just wish people could be less judgy- I have sat and cried about rushing and stressing my kids out on many occasion and if I could just become more organised like that I would. Saying I am crap with time is no more a poor excuse than saying you are crap at anything else in parenting, technically all faults could be corrected

[Funnyonion17]

One child late to class doesn't disrupt the class, stop being precious

[Absintheshots]

we were 40 mins late starting out and all the other children were getting very fed up

I know a school where they didn't tolerate this behaviour and didn't wait. When the school is booked on a ferry to cross the channel, they cannot wait anyway, they plan for contingencies but on road, not at departure.
Unfortunately, there's less you can do when the kids return, someone has to wait until some parent finally turns up to pick them up.

Frazzle
either put all your clocks 10 mn early, or decide to be at school 15mn early. How do you ever catch a train or plane if you can't turn up on time? I am just crap with time is a pathetic excuse, do you think it's that easy for everybody else? Work backward if you have to: something like: it takes 10minutes to put on coat etc, 15 minutes before that to wash hands, brush teeth, toilets break, 30 minutes to eat breakfast, 20 minutes to get dressed (completely random times, I don't know how many kids you have) 30 minutes to cook breakfast ...
and here you go.
I takes me 20 minutes to get ready in the morning the days I work (up/shower/breakfast/laundry etc.) I plan around 2 hours with my kids when I am doing the school run. It's not about being perfect good lord, it's about being realistic and organised.
You are punishing your kids by stressing them and rushing them in the morning, it's not fair (general statement, not having a go at you Frazzle)

[Livelovebehappy]

It may be disruptive, but I guess there are going to be disruptions in classes some of the time anyway. You're only privy to this one issue as you witness it every morning. But there are children who mis behave in class who disrupt daily, or maybe SN children who need that extra attention. Or the child that never settles in class and needs one on one care at times. As with these issues, let the Head sort it out. I'm sure it's been mentioned and is on Heads radar, but you're not going to be able to sort it yourself, so I wouldn't waste negative energy on it.

[SecretsInSpitalfield]

Stealth - it sounds like they both have to get to work afterwards (otherwise why would it be a family outing?) the OP could ask if she could pick up their DC in the mornings from their house. If she is SO concerned she would do this. I just don't see the point of her post!! It's just pure nastiness.

[StealthPolarBear]

Spinning rhe dad drops off.
I always drop off at school. If I started being late would it be appropriate to bypass me and offer dh help with the drop off?

[Spikeyball]

Pontynan are you saying that schools shouldn't make reasonable adjustments?

[SecretsInSpitalfield]

Frazzled - you sound lovely 😊 and ignore Absin. Most judgmental people actually have issues or imperfections that they loathe so they DEFLECT. 'Oh let's go home, make a nice breakfast, sit at the laptop and bitch about that awful late mum at school , he he he' ... pathetic!!

[Frazzledmum123]

Oh and before anyone says it, I'm not for one minute saying everyone who is on time doesn't bother with a decent breakfast, just using it as an example that not everyone is 'perfect' just because they are on time!